tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29893819529217255772024-03-13T21:56:30.050-07:00Sex, Science and Spirit (old)by Hermes SolenzolHermes Solenzolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01692919473562622263noreply@blogger.comBlogger33125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2989381952921725577.post-163788835082983042021-12-26T18:45:00.001-08:002022-03-05T09:14:13.289-08:00We Have Moved!<p> The blog <b>Sex, Science and Spirit</b> blog moves to a
new website with its own domain name</p>
<p class="story"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;"><a href="https://en.hermessolenzol.com/">https://en.hermessolenzol.com/</a><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="story"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">It was time. The Blogger
platform is getting outdated, while the new one, Wix, offers many advantages:<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="story"></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">A more modern and
functional look.</span></li><li><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">To be able to join the English
and Spanish blogs in a single website, with the possibility of translating
content using Google translate. </span></li><li><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">A blog classified by
topic: Science, Philosophy, Sex, Kink, Polyamory, etc. So now you can go
directly to the content that interests you.</span></li><li><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">The ability to post video
and audio. </span></li><li><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">A forum to host
conversations of all those who want to sign up as members.</span></li><li><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Pages for each of my
novels.</span></li></ul><p></p>
<p class="story"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">This blog will remain open
so that you can access the articles already published. Little by little, I will
be posting all those articles on the new blog, updating them when necessary.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="story"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Comments are closed in this blog, but welcome in the new blog. </span></p>Hermes Solenzolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01692919473562622263noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2989381952921725577.post-64541694002949339442020-12-17T15:18:00.002-08:002020-12-17T15:18:50.323-08:00G-Spot, Squirting and Vaginal Orgasms - the Controversy and the Science<p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHr-FhSXQ3oFnVXwHmnTTWaE9Sxma9QmpmxrjGXr2HhSr8aahKSQ9eVgjVSKag76l8YcFIOTW7Q8iXvokde1oUMom-O2dIzwbKq0qsMbKoYYCUSl1eneQ2F6FvsMLDtrpW1sUSSoofRX4/s852/Skene+gland.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="852" data-original-width="605" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHr-FhSXQ3oFnVXwHmnTTWaE9Sxma9QmpmxrjGXr2HhSr8aahKSQ9eVgjVSKag76l8YcFIOTW7Q8iXvokde1oUMom-O2dIzwbKq0qsMbKoYYCUSl1eneQ2F6FvsMLDtrpW1sUSSoofRX4/w454-h640/Skene+gland.jpg" width="454" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Skene or peri-urethral gland</td></tr></tbody></table></p><h3>The controversy: two views about female orgasms<o:p></o:p></h3>
<p class="journal">The official version, defended by sexologists and other
experts <span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">(</span><a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22240236"><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">Kilchevsky et al., 2012</span></a><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">; </span><a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/25283533"><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">Puppo and Puppo, 2014</span></a><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">)</span>,
is that there is only one type of female orgasm: the one triggered by
stimulation of the clitoris. Although some women are able to reach orgasm
during penetration, this is because the penis stimulates the clitoris
indirectly with its movements in the vagina. The vaginal walls are practically
devoid of the nerve endings needed to trigger an orgasm <span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">(</span><a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22240236"><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">Kilchevsky et al., 2012</span></a><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">)</span>. The G-spot does not exist and there are no
vaginal orgasms. Similarly, female ejaculation is a myth <span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">(</span><a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20183002"><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">Shafik et al., 2009</span></a><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">)</span>; what
really happens is that some women produce a lot of vaginal lubrication.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="journal">However, there is another version, the one told by many women
who have embarked on a deep exploration of their sexuality. It is also
supported by scientific studies <span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">(</span><a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20092462"><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">Jannini et al., 2010</span></a><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">; </span><a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11967519"><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">Schubach, 2002</span></a><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">; </span><a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20149049"><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">Thabet, 2009</span></a><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">)</span>. According
to this view, there are at least two types of orgasms, clitoral and vaginal,
which differ in their subjective qualities. The vaginal orgasm can be triggered
independently of clitoral stimulation through a point on the front of the
vagina, the so-called G-spot - an abbreviation of Grafenberg spot <span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">(</span><a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11967519"><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">Schubach, 2002</span></a><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">)</span>. A
vaginal orgasm is often accompanied by a stream of clear fluid that is
different from urine or vaginal discharge. Although many women are unable to
achieve vaginal orgasms at first, they can be trained to do so by sensitizing
the G-spot with prolonged finger massage.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="journal">Who is right? Well, there is plenty of evidence to consider. <o:p></o:p></p>
<h3>Orgasms vary widely among women<o:p></o:p></h3>
<p class="journal">But first let me start by saying that women vary enormously in
their sexual response <span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">(</span><a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/27667356"><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">Prause et al., 2016</span></a><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">)</span>. Many
women find it difficult to achieve orgasm with anything other than clitoral stimulation.
However, there is also a large group of women who prefer vaginal stimulation,
not only during intercourse but also by masturbating using fingers or dildos inserted
into their vaginas. Some women cannot stand direct clitoral stimulation because
their clitoris is so sensitive that they find it unpleasant or even painful.
For other women it is the opposite: their clitoris is a bit insensitive while their
vagina provides a much more reliable source of pleasure. <o:p></o:p></p>
<h3>Ideology seeps into sex research<o:p></o:p></h3>
<p class="journal">In fact, the G-spot and female ejaculation have been known
since ancient times in numerous cultures <span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">(</span><a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20233286"><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">Korda et al., 2010</span></a><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">)</span>. They
are described by Taoist texts of the 4<sup>th</sup> century, in the Hindu Kamasutra
and, in the Western world, by Aristotle and Galen. So why is there such a big controversy
regarding its existence?<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="journal">The reason is ideological. In 1976 the American feminist <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shere_Hite">Shere Hite</a> published <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Hite Report</i>, which became a best-seller.
Based on informal questionnaires, it argued that the best way for women to
reach orgasm is to masturbate by touching the clitoris and that internal
stimulation of the vagina is not necessary. This was embraced by a group of
radical feminists who viewed penis-in-vagina intercourse as a form of male
domination. Some, following the writings of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andrea_Dworkin">Andrea Dworkin</a>, even
went to the extreme of saying that “<a href="https://witchwind.wordpress.com/2013/12/15/piv-is-always-rape-ok/">penetration
is rape</a>”. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="journal">This triggered vicious criticism of previous works on the
female orgasm. Dr. Grafenberg was called a sexist and accused of having
invented the G-spot in order to convince women to practice vaginal intercourse,
thus relegating them to the roles of reproducers and providers of male
pleasure. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="journal">Sigmund Freud was also called a sexist because in his “<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three_Essays_on_the_Theory_of_Sexuality">Three
Essays on the Theory of Sexuality</a>” he sustained that only women who had
reached psychosexual maturity were able to enjoy sexual intercourse and that
those who resorted to clitoral stimulation were immature. Thus, he was the
first to categorize women as clitoral or vaginal. Of course, saying that women
who prefer to stimulate their clitoris are immature is nonsense, but so is
denying the existence of women who prefer vaginal stimulation. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="journal">Fortunately, sanity was eventually brought back by a new wave
of sex-positive feminists who consider it worthwhile to derive pleasure from
different types of sex. However, sexologists are still reluctant to talk about
vaginal orgasms for fear of being politically incorrect.<o:p></o:p></p>
<h3>Evidence for the G-spot <o:p></o:p></h3>
<p class="journal">According to an increasingly popular view, the G-spot is an
organ located below the anterior face of the vagina, called the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skene%27s_gland">Skene glands</a> or periurethral
glands <span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">(</span><a href="http://link.springer.com/content/pdf/10.1007%2Fs00192-011-1558-1"><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">Dwyer, 2012</span></a><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">)</span>.
Its physiological function remains a mystery. However, it seems to be similar to
the male prostate <span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">(</span><a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11967519"><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">Schubach, 2002</span></a><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">)</span>. During
sexual stimulation, the Skene glands produce a clear, odorless fluid that is
different from vaginal lubrication, which is produced by different glands - the
<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bartholin%27s_gland">Bartholin's glands</a>
- and is more viscous and milky. A detailed study of 50 normal and 125
circumcised (without a clitoris) Egyptian women found that 82% could have an
orgasm by stimulating the G-spot, which in 66% of the women was found as “two
small flaccid balloon-like masses on either side of the lower third of the
urethra” (<span style="mso-no-proof: yes;"><a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20149049">Thabet, 2009</a>). </span>A
recent meta-analysis (a systematic review of previous studies) <span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">(</span><a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/31464000"><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">Ostrzenski, 2019</span></a><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">)</span>
concluded that the G-spot exists as a distinct anatomical structure and that it
becomes engorged with blood during sexual stimulation. However, it is still
debated whether the G-spot is the same as the Skene glands. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="journal">As for the claimed lack of nerve terminals in the vagina, it
should be kept in mind that number of nerves does not necessarily correlate
with intensity of sensation. Numerous nerve terminals are required for precise
tactile sensations, like the ones in our fingertips, but not for diffuse
sensations like pain and pleasure. Amazingly, women with spinal cord injuries -
and thus unable to feel anything from the waist down - can have orgasms through
vaginal stimulation. Studies using fMRI <span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">(</span><a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16913288"><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">Komisaruk and Whipple, 2005</span></a><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">; </span><a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/15451368/"><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">Komisaruk et al., 2004</span></a><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">)</span>
on these women showed that the usual neuronal pathways ascending the spinal
cord were not necessary for orgasms because the sensations traveled from the
vagina to the brain via the vagus nerve. The vagus is a nerve that originates
in the brain and meanders through the middle of the body contacting all major
organs. Its functions are both efferent (sending information from the brain)
and afferent (sending information to the brain). Therefore, it seems that
vaginal stimulation can trigger orgasms through the vagus nerve and does not
require the presence of numerous terminals of the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pudendal_nerve">pudendal nerve</a>, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dorsal_nerve_of_the_clitoris">like the clitoris</a>,
which connects to the brain via the spinal cord. <o:p></o:p></p>
<h3>Evidence for female ejaculation<o:p></o:p></h3>
<p class="journal">I have witnessed female ejaculation on several occasions. I've
also seen plenty of videos showing it, although these could be of women peeing.
Still, 40% of women report ejaculating during orgasm, and 82% of women who
report having a G-spot also report ejaculating <span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">(</span><a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/2327894"><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">Darling et al., 1990</span></a><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">)</span>. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="journal">In contrast to the vaginal lubrication produced by the Bartholin's
glands, the secretion of the Skene glands contains biochemical markers similar
to those produced by the prostate, such as the PDE5 enzyme (<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CGMP-specific_phosphodiesterase_type_5">cGMP-specific
phosphodiesterase type 5</a>) and PSA (<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prostate-specific_antigen">prostate-specific
antigen</a>). The prostate is a male organ that makes the semen, the liquid in
which the sperm cells produced by the testicles are suspended. Therefore, the Skene
glands would produce a semen-like fluid in women, so it would be appropriate to
call their secretion "female ejaculate."<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="journal">The problem is that the Skene glands are quite small and so
they do not seem to be able to produce the large amount of liquid observed when
women squirt. The same meta-analysis <span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">(</span><a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/31464000"><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">Ostrzenski, 2019</span></a><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">)</span> that
showed the existence of the G-spot also ruled out that it is responsible for
female ejaculation. This has led to the speculation that squirting is really
urinating, something called coital incontinence. However, there is evidence
that female ejaculate is different from urine <span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">(</span><a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23634659"><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">Pastor, 2013</span></a><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">)</span>. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="journal">In one study, two women who reported ejaculating during orgasm
were thoroughly examined <span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">(</span><a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17634056"><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">Wimpissinger et al., 2007</span></a><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">)</span>.
Ultrasound revealed a gland lining the whole length of the urethra, and
urethroscopy showed openings into the urethra. Biochemical markers of the
prostate were found in their ejaculate, but not in their urine. This was taken
as evidence for the existence of the female prostate and female ejaculation. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="journal">However, another study on seven women <span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">(</span><a href="https://www.jsm.jsexmed.org/article/S1743-6095(15)30958-9/fulltext"><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">Salama et al., 2015</span></a><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">)</span> reached different conclusions. Before sexual stimulation, the
women were asked to empty their bladders, which was confirmed with ultrasounds.
The same method was used to observe that their bladder filled up during sexual
stimulation and that it was empty after squirting. Biochemical analyses of the
ejaculate showed that it contained urine but also PSA. Before sexual
stimulation, their urine did not contain any PSA. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="journal">There is a way to reconcile these two apparently contradictory
results. According to this interpretation, in women who squirt sexual
stimulation causes the Skene glands to release their secretions into the
urethra. Since the exit of the urethra is closed by the sphincter, all that
liquid is directed into the bladder, where it accumulates. At the same time,
the kidneys keeps filling the bladder with urine. When the women have an orgasm
all this liquid is released from the bladder as female ejaculation. Depending
on how large the contribution of the Skene glands is in relation to that of the
kidneys, the ejaculate will contain more PSA or more urine. This explains why
both PSA and urine is found in the ejaculate.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="journal">Then, why do women ejaculate? It has been hypothesized that
the biological function of squirting is to clean the urethra to avoid the
urinary tract infections that are common after sexual intercourse <span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">(</span><a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19766406"><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">Moalem and Reidenberg, 2009</span></a><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">)</span>.
Another possibility is that this is just another signal that the woman has had
an orgasm, which increases bonding with her sexual partner. <o:p></o:p></p>
<h3>Conclusion<o:p></o:p></h3>
<p class="journal">Based on this evidence and my own personal experience, I am
convinced that the G-spot, vaginal orgasms and squirting are real. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="journal">I would go even further by saying that women are capable of
many other types of orgasms: anal, from nipple stimulation, from spanking and
other forms of pain, from exercise, and even to have full-body orgasms. But I
will leave these topics for future articles. <o:p></o:p></p>
<h3>Take-home messages<o:p></o:p></h3>
<p class="journal" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Female
sexuality varies widely, much more so than male sexuality. When making love with
a woman whom you have just met, you should not assume that her sexuality will
be similar to your previous lovers. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="journal" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Discarding
vaginal orgasms because they are politically incorrect does a disservice to
women because it denies them an important source of pleasure. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="journal" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Beware
of the opinion of sexologists, especially if they seem to be ideologically
motivated.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="journal" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->The
G-spot and vaginal orgasms do exist. If you have only had clitoral orgasms so
far, it may be worthwhile to experiment with vaginal stimulation to have new
sexual experiences. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="journal" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->However,
you should not become frustrated if you are not able to squirt or cum by
stimulating your G-spot. Skene's glands appear to vary greatly from woman to
woman. About 18% of women do not seem to have a functional G-spot <span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">(</span><a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20149049"><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">Thabet, 2009</span></a><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;">)</span>.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="journal" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">6.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Vaginal
orgasms and squirting are different things. It is OK to squirt. It is OK to not
squirt. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="journal" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">7.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Do
not consider your sexuality as something static but something that can be
changed with practice. Keep learning and exploring. <o:p></o:p></p>Hermes Solenzolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01692919473562622263noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2989381952921725577.post-24957737377140723762020-10-09T15:40:00.005-07:002020-10-09T15:40:58.250-07:00Is Sex Sacred?<p><span style="font-size: medium;">The two opposite views of sex in our culture: precious and intimate, or without intrinsic meaning</span></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidgKwQf_Pd8DgmMA6goA5WwaF8o94U2T0DLou06O2rr13KUsYP0TsjTPV27C2Uf6hEewt5gdXKY3F_VwnLvtLbuQ11HuItGCK13iuJr6X3_z6F2AGbqxGBBjSINo5N8YskzGJ6ha6Qr1E/s600/sacred-sexuality+virgin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="400" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidgKwQf_Pd8DgmMA6goA5WwaF8o94U2T0DLou06O2rr13KUsYP0TsjTPV27C2Uf6hEewt5gdXKY3F_VwnLvtLbuQ11HuItGCK13iuJr6X3_z6F2AGbqxGBBjSINo5N8YskzGJ6ha6Qr1E/w266-h400/sacred-sexuality+virgin.jpg" width="266" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://inpowerinstitute.com/events/sacred-sexuality/">Source</a><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p></p><p class="journal">Far lack of a better adjective, I use the word “sacred” not
with its religious meaning, but as something worth of special consideration. I
propose here that modern culture is torn between two opposing views of sex,
with opposing answers to the question in the title:<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i>Yes, sex is sacred and deeply
meaningful. It is the most intimate act because sexual pleasure and orgasm make
us enormously vulnerable. Sex also establishes a deep bonding, producing romantic
love. That is why sex is called “making love”. By making love, a couple
develops a monogamous bond, an alliance that helps them to stay united to
confront life’s vicissitudes and to care for their children. Therefore, sex
should not be degraded by doing it outside a committed couple or for banal
reasons.</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i>No, sex can be whatever
you want it to be. What matters is not sex itself but the meaning we attach to
it. Hence, sex can be anything between a banal act for pleasure or a spiritual
quest, as in the ancient discipline of Tantra. But there is nothing intrinsically
sacred about sex; that is just a relic of sexual repression by religions and
puritanical ideologies. Sex leads to bonding only if that is what you want it
to do. In fact, masturbation is a sexual act that does not lead to bonding. Romantic
love arises not just sex, but from mutual understanding, loyalty and commitment.
</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Each of these answers leads to different views on some thorny issues
related to sex, like the seven that I discuss below.</p><p class="journal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<h3>1. Casual sex<o:p></o:p></h3>
<p class="journal">If sex is sacred, then promiscuity, one-night-stands, and
other forms of casual sex should be condemned as a desecration of what should
be a special, intimate act. We should only have sex with somebody after dating
them for long enough to know that “they are serious about the relationship”. In
the most extreme view, sex should only happen after marriage, after the members
of the couple have made a strong commitment to each other.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">On the other hand, if sex is not sacred then there should be
no problem practicing it casually with somebody we just met and are not going
to see ever again. Or to have multiple partners, friends-with-benefits or
nostalgic sex with an ex. Sex is just one more pleasurable experience in life that
we enjoy alone or share with other people.</p><p class="journal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<h3>2. Masturbation<o:p></o:p></h3>
<p class="journal">Some people still consider masturbation as something dirty and
unethical. A common occurrence is that somebody in a couple feels betrayed
because his or her significant other masturbates. At the bottom is this is the
idea that sex should be used for bonding only, so if somebody masturbates he
could be bonding with another person in his imagination. He is committing
adultery in his heart, as the Bible says.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="journal">However, alone sex is considered okay by most people today.
Moreover, masturbating can serve to explore our bodies and find out what works
best for us, leading to better sex with a partner.</p><p class="journal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<h3>3. Pornography<o:p></o:p></h3>
<p class="journal"><a href="https://medium.com/@jessicamasterson_6828/the-third-wave-dream-girl-begs-to-be-broken-9eb0bb717f29">Radical
feminists still keep the campaign against pornography that they started in the
70s</a>. They argue that performing sexual acts on camera for the benefit of
strangers degrades the body of women. This can only be true if there is
something special about sex that makes it different from any other act. If this
sexual act is able to degrade the porn actress, that means that there is
something sacred in her body that is being corrupted. However, if there is
nothing particularly special about sex, then doing it on camera should present
no particular problem. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="journal">There is also the
feeling that watching porn when you are in a monogamous couple is <a href="https://www.covenanteyes.com/2015/01/19/using-porn-is-cheating/">tantamount
to cheating</a>. This is similar to the problem with masturbation, with the
added problem that there is one specific person that our partner is watching.
However, if sex can be de-coupled from bonding, there should be no problem in
experiencing pleasure by watching porn.</p><p class="journal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<h3>4. Adultery and non-monogamy<o:p></o:p></h3>
<p class="journal">Taking it one step further, why is it such a tragic event when
somebody in a couple has sex with somebody else? Hard words are spoken, tears
are shed, divorce papers are filed. Adultery is taken as the ultimate betrayal,
even though there are worse things that can happen in a couple (psychological
abuse, economic exploitation, subjugation). When asked about it, people argue
that cheating is lying, the breaking of a promise. But quite often lies are
told and promises are broken without such dire consequences. No, the only
reason that adultery is so bad is that so much meaning is attached to sex. Sex
is considered such a special act, of such profound intimacy, that can only be
done with a specially chosen person.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="journal">Non-monogamy in its various forms (open relationships,
swinging, polyamory) deconstructs this deep value attached to sex. Our cultural
conditioning is hard to break but, once we have done that, we can talk with our
wife about her last sexual fling with the same joy and complicity as we would discuss
the last movie she watched.</p><p class="journal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<h3>5. Kinky sex (BDSM)<o:p></o:p></h3>
<p class="journal">Having sex by hitting somebody, inflicting pain, tying them
up, or dominating them, seems to be completely the opposite of what we would
expect if sex is a sweet, intimate and loving act. That is why a lot of people
reject the idea of kinky sex. However, people that practice BDSM know that it is
even more intense, intimate and stirring than vanilla sex. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="journal">For a lot of kinky people, BDSM fulfills a desire that exists
besides sexual desire, overlapping with it only to a certain extent. BDSM brings
them a satisfaction and joy much deeper than vanilla sex. The existence of such
desires reveals that there is more to sex than couple bonding. Sex has to do
with our darkest psychological compulsions. Furthermore, kinky sex can be transformative
by producing altered states of consciousness and by bringing to the surface
deep subconscious contents. Some people consider it as a spiritual path. Coming
around full circle, sex becomes sacred again, but in a positive way instead of
a negative, repressive way.</p><p class="journal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<h3>6. Sexual abuse and rape<o:p></o:p></h3>
<p class="journal">Now I am going to venture into dangerous territory. If we
assume that there is nothing special about sex, that casual sex with strangers
is perfectly fine, then why is rape so hurtful? If sex was truly
inconsequential, then being raped would be as bad as being beaten, but not worse.
And yet women who are raped often develop a profound, hurtful and life-long
trauma. (I am aware that men and children can be raped, too; however, women are
the majority of the victims of rape.) <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="journal">There are several possible answers to these questions. But
first let me state unequivocally that nothing that I say is an excuse for rape
or an argument for leniency towards its perpetrators. The first answer is that
sex is, indeed, sacred or special, so when a woman raped something intimate
inside her is damaged. The problem with this idea is that it would need to be
reconciled with the view that sex is not sacred when we deal with masturbation,
casual sex and non-monogamy. The second answer is that rape is hurtful because
cultural norms have thought women that they should feel hurt when they are
raped. A third answer is that sex is not sacred but that rape hurts women, not
because is a sexual act, but because it is a special act of violence able to damage
something deep in their psyche.</p><p class="journal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<h3>7. Prostitution<o:p></o:p></h3>
<p class="journal">Increasing calls for the decriminalization of prostitution are
still met with confrontation, silencing and lies. The main lie is that
prostitution is the same as the trafficking of women. This is not true because
1) most prostitutes are voluntary and not trafficked (only 1 in 7 prostitutes
is trafficked in Europe, see page 49 of <a href="https://www.unodc.org/res/cld/bibliography/the-globalization-of-crime-a-transnational-organized-crime-threat-assessment_html/TOCTA_Report_2010_low_res.pdf">this
United Nations report</a>), and 2) most trafficked people are not prostituted
but exploited in other forms of labor. Moreover, the most expedient form to end
sexual trafficking would be to legalize prostitution so that those that do not do
it voluntarily can come forward without fear of being accused of having
committed a crime. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="journal">Leaving aside the complexities of the issue of trafficking,
what is the main argument against voluntary prostitution? It usually takes the
form of one of the following statements. “Prostitution degrades women by
objectifying their bodies.” “Sex is an act that cannot be bought and sold.” “Monetizing
sex degrades both the seller and the buyer because sex is an intimate act that
should not be tarnished by money.” These statements are all based on the idea
of sacred sex. Massage, for example, is also a physical activity in which a
person services another person’s body, but it does not have the stigma of
prostitution because sex is not involved. If sex was not sacred, then there
would not be anything in the prostitute’s body that could be degraded. Likewise,
sex can only be tarnished by money if it is somehow sacred.</p><p class="journal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="journal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="journal">In summary, we must consider carefully what sex means in our
lives. Of course, conservatives of various religious persuasions will always want
to impose the idea that sex is sacred. But progressives do not have a
consistent view about the meaning of sex, either. They<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>change it depending on the issue being
considered, from casual sex to adultery to prostitution. We should think about
this and reach a common understanding. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="journal"><o:p> </o:p></p><br /><p></p>Hermes Solenzolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01692919473562622263noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2989381952921725577.post-13395923280926642912020-09-19T15:32:00.002-07:002020-09-19T15:32:48.252-07:00Racist eugenics once again: forced sterilizations of immigrant women<p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrzLfTPTYGE-7bJb7RAo7npD193mU90Oq8Tz5C8m7UrggKV-Pf6Ey_KF4RJgfjxc2Egf3poP8kqe8y2P6BmBDQQB-WbH6qrBJPyj81x8ZwbP2suHihKZ3GyHHOldnvaE3lFj3Qxb0UdKI/s891/stop+forced+sterilizations.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Poster art for a 1971 “Stop forced sterilization” rally in San Francisco. (Rachael Romero/San Francisco Poster Brigade via Library of Congress)" border="0" data-original-height="891" data-original-width="700" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrzLfTPTYGE-7bJb7RAo7npD193mU90Oq8Tz5C8m7UrggKV-Pf6Ey_KF4RJgfjxc2Egf3poP8kqe8y2P6BmBDQQB-WbH6qrBJPyj81x8ZwbP2suHihKZ3GyHHOldnvaE3lFj3Qxb0UdKI/w314-h400/stop+forced+sterilizations.jpeg" title="Poster art for a 1971 “Stop forced sterilization” rally in San Francisco. (Rachael Romero/San Francisco Poster Brigade via Library of Congress)" width="314" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Poster art for a 1971
“Stop forced sterilization” rally in San Francisco. <br />(Rachael Romero/San
Francisco Poster Brigade via Library of Congress)</td></tr></tbody></table></p><p>It is a perfect storm combing many issues that progressives
care about: racism, eugenics, reproductive rights, immigrant rights, private
detention facilities, retaliation against whistleblowers and medical abuse.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">To keep this short, I will summarize the basic details. If you
want to dig into the evidence or get more information, the story has been
reported by <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2020/09/15/ice-covid-irwin-complaint-nurse/">The
Washington Post</a>, <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/sep/14/ice-detainees-hysterectomies-medical-neglect-irwin-georgia">The
Guardian</a>, <a href="https://www.cnn.com/2020/09/15/politics/immigration-customs-enforcement-medical-care-detainees/index.html">CNN</a>,
<a href="https://www.npr.org/2020/09/16/913448209/whistleblower-in-georgia-claims-high-number-of-hysterectomies-at-ice-facility">NPR</a>
and <a href="https://www.newyorker.com/news/daily-comment/the-private-georgia-immigration-detention-facility-at-the-center-of-a-whistle-blowers-complaint">The
New Yorker</a>.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Here is the story in a nutshell. Immigrant women with minor gynecological
problems at the <a href="https://www.ice.gov/detention-facility/irwin-county-detention-center">Irwin
County Detention Center in Ocilla, Georgia</a>, a private facility run by LaSalle
Corrections, were taken to the Irwin County Hospital. There, they were seen by doctor
Mahendra Amin, a gynecologist based in Douglas, Georgia. The doctor told them that
they had ovarian cysts or other problems that required surgery. The women were
given consent forms in English to sign, even though they could not read or understand
English. Apparently, medical records were falsified to state that the women did
speak English. Then the women underwent surgery in which their uterus or
Fallopian tubes were removed, ensuring that they could not have children.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">According to an advocate, one woman volunteered for deportation
when she became aware that she would “lose her reproductive system” if she
continued to be treated at the facility.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The story came to light when it was reported by nurse Dawn
Wooten, who works at the detention facility. Nurse Wooten also complained <a href="https://theintercept.com/2020/09/14/ice-detention-center-nurse-whistleblower/?utm_medium=email&utm_source=The%20Intercept%20Newsletter">of
numerous dangerous practices related to Covid-19</a>, including placing staff
and detainees at risk of contracting the virus, neglecting medical complaints
and refusing to test symptomatic detainees. She did not identify the doctor
performing the surgical procedures, other than by calling him the “uterus
collector”. However, the story was corroborated by <a href="https://theintercept.com/2020/09/15/hysterectomies-ice-irwin-whistleblower/?utm_medium=email&utm_source=The%20Intercept%20Newsletter">private
interviews conducted by The Intercept</a> with three detained women at the Irwin
facility, eight detainee advocates and a former employee. These witnesses
identified the doctor as Mahendra Amin. <a href="https://www.facebook.com/NowThisPolitics/videos/366289401400103">The
story was also confirmed by the organization Immigrant Families Together by speaking
directly to the victims</a>.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Through his lawyer, doctor Amin has denied the accusations, claiming
that he has only performed one or two hysterectomies in the last two or three
years. In contrast, the human rights group Project South claims that at least 20
women received hysterectomies in 6 years. This might be just the tip of the iceberg
since the majority of detained women do not have lawyers or advocates. </p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The US Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) initially
stated: “ICE takes all allegations seriously and defers to the Office of
Inspector General regarding any potential investigation and/or results. That
said, in general, anonymous, unproven allegations, made without any
fact-checkable specifics, should be treated with the appropriate skepticism
they deserve.” Later, an ICE official stated to the media: “According to ICE
data, since 2018, only two individuals at Irwin County Detention Center were
referred to certified, credentialed medical professionals at gynecological and
obstetrical health care facilities for hysterectomies in compliance with
National Commission on Correctional Health Care (NCCHC) standards. Based on
their evaluations, these specialists recommended hysterectomies. These
recommendations were reviewed by the facility clinical authority and approved.”</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Predictably, the repression has started. The whistleblower, nurse
Dawn Wooten, <a href="https://www.cbsnews.com/news/whistleblower-nurse-questionable-hysterectomies-shoddy-covid-care-georgia-immigrant-detention-center-dawn-wooten/">was
demoted</a>. There are fears that ICE will rush to deport key witnesses, as <a href="https://www.texastribune.org/2020/09/15/ice-deport-witness-sexual-assault/?utm_campaign=trib-social&utm_content=1600195807&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook&fbclid=IwAR1McaJU4q3jGLjlgYU2ze9VuGIwwfxJt10lsxUurG6X8ejwhHf1KPSbpeI">it
did with a woman who reported sexual assault at El Paso detention center</a>. Representative
Jackson Lee (D-Texas) <a href="https://www.msnbc.com/all-in/watch/rep-jackson-lee-stops-deportation-of-woman-claiming-fallopian-tube-removed-without-consent-91942469521?fbclid=IwAR2WaspjXnilx49_yKYjN8o3FcGnZuvfpmc2ltDrd8uPN9JtaLerVw2TVdc">just
stopped the deportation of Pauline Binam</a>, a woman who had her Fallopian
tube remove at the Irwin detention center and who could be a key witness in <a href="https://ktla.com/news/nationworld/dems-to-investigate-nurses-claim-ice-performed-mass-hysterectomies-at-facility-in-georgia/">the
investigation opened by the Democrats</a>. Binam has been in the United States
since she was two years old and is under threat of being deported to Cameroon.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><a href="https://theintercept.com/2020/09/17/forced-sterilization-ice-us-history/?utm_medium=email&utm_source=The%20Intercept%20Newsletter">There
is a long history of forced sterilizations in the USA</a>. Many were performed
following the doctrine of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eugenics">eugenics</a>,
which aims to improve the quality of the human population. Historically, this
was done mostly by suppressing the ability to reproduce of people and groups
judged biologically inferior. <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eugenics_in_the_United_States">In the
United States</a>, this included Black, Native Americans, Puerto Ricans and
Mexicans. These eugenics policies are not in the distant past. According to an
investigation done in 2013, from 2006 to 2010 at least 148 female inmates in
two California prisons were sterilized by coercion. This raises the suspicion
that there is a secret policy to sterilize immigrants so that they cannot have
offspring in the United States in the case that they are granted asylum or legal
residence.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">So, the question now is whether the forced sterilizations at
the Irwin detention center were just the work of one rogue doctor or expose a
secret racist eugenic policy of ICE and the current administration.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Please, keep paying attention to this issue. Do not let it
be buried in the avalanche of awful news that is drowning us these days.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>Hermes Solenzolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01692919473562622263noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2989381952921725577.post-63151961263539197732020-04-27T14:01:00.000-07:002020-04-27T14:01:41.321-07:00How to add conflict to your erotic story to make it more realistic and exciting<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh46umy_6Jl2G_PXr93-o8lcose4Nd0xkNIH1lM6V0OCP4JXvsJXYUVA4lktkO_UFmK_rSOmUphBQkDIyet6ZcSJEOK_2q2EHbWbYAR0kg0g5GrAMVwn8mEL8IN5E_V2lrIAjKXUu0S6zM/s1600/Escape13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1000" data-original-width="1000" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh46umy_6Jl2G_PXr93-o8lcose4Nd0xkNIH1lM6V0OCP4JXvsJXYUVA4lktkO_UFmK_rSOmUphBQkDIyet6ZcSJEOK_2q2EHbWbYAR0kg0g5GrAMVwn8mEL8IN5E_V2lrIAjKXUu0S6zM/s400/Escape13.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Drawing for the cover of my novel "Desencadenada". </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Let’s face it: most erotic stories are boring. The sexual images titillate us and that keeps us reading but, other than sex, not much is happening. You may add appealing characters, a nice setting and beautiful wording, but more often than not the reader will skip over the wordy parts to get to the good stuff. She is not interested in the story (because there is none!), just the sexy bits.<br />
<br />
Most erotic stories are not interesting because they do not abide by the basic rules of fiction: there must be conflict, the conflict must drive the plot, and the plot must change the main characters in a significant way.<br />
<br />
However, for many writers of erotica conflict is incompatible with sex because they think that conflict is the same as violence, and mixing violence with sex equals sexual abuse. And they don’t want to go there. Sex is supposed to be loving and peaceful, a way for people to connect. It should not be violent.<br />
<br />
This is wrong on two counts. First, sex can be violent but no abusive. For example, <a href="https://sexsciencespirit.blogspot.com/2014/11/altered-states-of-consciousness-in-bdsm.html">in BDSM physical violence is combined with sex to make it more exciting</a>. But, most important, conflict is not the same as violence. Hollywood has created this wrong idea by inundating us with movies full of fistfights, gunshots, car crashes and explosions. But, fortunately, life is not like that. And yet life is full of conflict.<br />
<br />
This is particularly true when it comes to sex. In fact, most sexual acts have an element of conflict. We still live in a repressive society in which a lot of sex is done by breaking taboos, conventions, ethical rules, agreements with third parties, and even the law. Also, more often than not there is a mismatch between the desires, goals or emotional states of the participants during sex. Therefore, not only are our run-of-the-mill erotic stories boring, they are unrealistic because they offer an idealized vision of sex that rarely corresponds to reality.<br />
<br />
In this, erotic stories are not very different from porn videos: the absence of conflict makes the sex unrealistic. Besides, if the appeal of our erotic story is based solely on sexual images, video will always be able to do it better. But if our story dwells into the experiences that happen inside the minds of the characters, we will be doing something that video cannot do.<br />
<br />
There is also an opportunity to be educational. You can present as conflict a problem that you know how to solve. It could be questionable consent, homophobia, problems achieving orgasm, lack of communication, sexual shame, etc. The characters face the problem, experience distress, find a way to solve it, have great fun, and end up feeling great about the whole thing. Or you could write it in a dramatic key, showing how the inability of the characters to solve the problem leads to an unhappy ending.<br />
<br />
Just like any other kind of fiction, erotica can be happy, dramatic or even tragic. It could also be written as humor. When you stop to think about it, sex is inherently funny, filled with undignified positions, embarrassing outcomes, and endless possibilities for slapstick accidents. The whole repertoire of humans emotions are brought into sex: joy, sadness, fear, surprise, anger, disgust, shame, guilt, indignation, disappointment, envy, jealousy, pride, empathy, compassion and, of course, love.<br />
<br />
A critical decision is who is going to be the point of view character in your story. Avoid an omniscient narrator, that is, one who can move from the mind of one character to another. This distances the reader from the action, which is the last thing we want in erotica. What you want is the reader to slip inside the skin of one of the characters so that he or she can feel what the character is feeling. This is achieved using either the first person or a tight third-person narrative. Make sure to go frequently inside the mind of the character to describe her thoughts and emotions. Never create confusion about who is the point of view, especially at the beginning of the story. Usually, your point of view character is the one who experiences the conflicts the most and gets transformed at the end of the story.<br />
<br />
And, please, don’t make your characters perfect! Only imperfect people can be transformed by what happens to them. Give them some flaws, this will also add some depth to them.<br />
<br />
At this point, you probably have realized that there are endless possibilities to bring conflict into an erotic story. I list a few examples below. I classify them according to whether the source of conflict is external, in the relationship, or internal to one of the characters.<br />
<br />
<h3 style="text-align: left;">
External sources of conflict </h3>
The sexual attraction is so strong that these people are having sex against all odds and putting themselves in danger. Or maybe danger is the secret ingredient that makes sex so hot.<br />
<br />
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>Romeo and Juliet - the characters belong to antagonistic groups: families with ancient quarrels, nations at war, or opposing cultural tribes.</li>
<li>The characters belong to different groups that make communication between them problematic, such as different races, social classes, political parties, nations, cultures, etc.</li>
<li>Having sex in an unusual place where there is danger to be discovered: an elevator, a train, a plane, a beach, a park…</li>
<li>Having sex in a dangerous place: underwater, in a rock-climbing route, in the snow, on a kayak in the middle of the sea, on a mountain top, in a dangerous neighborhood.</li>
<li>The sex act breaks a societal taboo. For example, stories featuring incest, cheating, student-professor or boss-secretary relationships. Of course, you should consider the ethics of writing such a story and whether it may be targeted for censorship. </li>
<li>The sex is against the law. For example, a homosexual act in an Islamic country.</li>
<li>Sex during a natural disaster: hurricane, earthquake, etc.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<h3 style="text-align: left;">
Sources of conflict in the relationship</h3>
Most couples have problems and those tend to surface when they have sex. And if the story is about casual sex, well, then the potential for conflict rises considerably, doesn’t it?<br />
<br />
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>Performance sex. Sometimes one of the persons wants a relationship much more than the other. Then sex may become an act of seduction to convince the reluctant partner that they would get a lot of pleasure out of the relationship. This creates a dynamic that can range from the comic to the tragic. </li>
<li>Problematic consent. I do not agree with the absolutist position that anything other than enthusiastic consent is rape. Ignoring the fact that there are borderline cases actually hinders the fight against rape. There are a lot of these gray areas and fiction is a great way of creating hypotheticals to explore the limits of what is ethical. Let’s face it, a lot of sex is not accepted enthusiastically and it is still OK. There is charity sex, service sex, sex to keep your spouse from looking for another lover, sex to get a job or a promotion, etc. Some of it is ethical, some is not. A story is a good way to get your readers thinking about it. </li>
<li>Jealousy and envy. A sex story may involve a threesome, in which case these pesky emotions are more likely than not to come up. How will your characters deal with them? Or will it all end up in disaster?</li>
<li>Angry sex. A couple has a fight. Before the can make up, they are hard at doing it. In fact, the anger makes the sex even hotter. But how will they feel when they are done?</li>
<li>Problems in achieving orgasms. There is much talk about the <a href="https://sexsciencespirit.blogspot.com/2019/12/the-orgasm-gap-is-terrible-idea.html">orgasm gap</a>. All the cultural and political baggage that comes with this problem can be an excellent source of conflict and illustrate the values and beliefs of the writer. </li>
<li>Premature ejaculation and loss of erection are common problems in men. Just like with female orgasm, we should stop pretending that all goes well in sex all the time. Writing these problems into your story and still come out with hot sex can be challenging, but worth the effort. And, who knows, some of your readers may learn something from it.</li>
<li>Ironically, sexual boredom in couples that that been together for a long time is also conflict. How will they rise to the challenge and make sex interesting? Will they be able to light their fire?</li>
</ul>
<br />
<h3 style="text-align: left;">
Internal sources of conflict</h3>
As I was writing my novels, I realized that internal conflict is the most beautiful kind of conflict. It is subtle and challenging to write, but if the protagonist is to change at the end of the story it would be through some kind of inner struggle. A writer who can show inner conflict will demonstrate his ability to understand the finest aspects of human nature. Fortunately, sex is one of the most common sources of inner conflict.<br />
<br />
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>Pent-up sexual desire. He had wanted her so bad, and now he is about to have her. Will this be a dream come true? Will he be disappointed? Or is his desire so crazy that he will spoil his chance?</li>
<li>Internalized sexual repression or homophobia. Even these days, a lot of people have to struggle with these problems, particularly at the age of sexual awakening. Sexual shame and guilt surface unwanted and can become a major problem. Confronting them can lead to a spectacular transformation of our protagonist.</li>
<li>Guilt. The protagonist may be doing something wrong, like cheating, so the guilt may be warranted but in conflict with a strong sexual attraction. The fact that he is willing to transgress illustrates to the reader how strong is his desire. Or, instead, the guilt may be irrational and anchored in her past, as I did in <a href="https://sexsciencespirit.blogspot.com/2014/10/is-it-sinful-to-be-spanked.html">this passage from my first novel</a>. </li>
<li>Shame very often accompanies sex. In the process of confronting it, the protagonist may learn something valuable about herself, about her partner and about sex.</li>
<li>Disgust. I once <a href="https://sexsciencespirit.blogspot.com/2013/12/one-legged-love.html">dated a woman who had had her left leg amputated</a>. She was very attractive, but the first time we had sex I looked at her stump and it was not a pretty sight. She noticed my feelings. You bet that our lovemaking was full of conflict, of which I learned some valuable lessons. </li>
<li>Prior sexual trauma. Unfortunately, this is more common than it is usually recognized. Anxiety and even <a href="https://sexsciencespirit.blogspot.com/2014/12/panic-attacks-in-bdsm-scenes.html">panic attacks</a> can show up during sex. Here is a great opportunity to show how empathy and compassion can be used to deal with these difficult situations. </li>
</ul>
<br />
<br />
If your story is long fiction, perhaps a novel, it will be a good idea to interweave problems that are external, in the relationship and internal to create a beautiful tapestry of interrelated conflicts to drive the plot. After all, this is what happens in real life: the environment affects the relationship, and trouble in the couple awaken old problems and drive inner struggles.<br />
<br />
Do not worry, adding conflict to your story will make it hotter. Taken by itself, sex is just pure mechanics. Even the kinkiest act is just a simple combination of body parts and motions. When sex becomes really exciting is when it means something, when it carries with it a lot of emotional baggage. This is what makes an erotic story exciting, and not boring.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
</div>
Hermes Solenzolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01692919473562622263noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2989381952921725577.post-12342126105451270882019-12-31T19:26:00.000-08:002020-01-01T21:54:54.597-08:00The orgasm gap is a terrible idea, scientifically, personally and politically<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I have wanted to write about the orgasm gap for a long time. However, the subject seemed rife with political landmines. As a neuroscientist specializing in pain and sensations, I gathered many scientific papers on sexual pleasure and orgasm. Female orgasms are so complex, so controversial and so ideologically loaded that they seemed impossible to tackle in a short article. Nevertheless, I am giving it a try, leaving a lot of information for future posts.<br />
<br />
The ‘orgasm gap’ can be understood as two interconnected ideas:<br />
<ol style="text-align: left;">
<li>Women have fewer orgasms than men during sex.</li>
<li>Men are to blame for this.</li>
</ol>
You may object, saying that the orgasm gap is only the first idea and that the second is a strawman. However, since its inception, the orgasm gap always referred to <a href="https://medium.com/@mysteryvibe/the-orgasm-gap-what-is-it-and-why-does-it-exist-f953ad79d845">men as the culprits</a> of women not being able to reach orgasm [1].<br />
<br />
Although the orgasm gap is presented as a call for women being more aware of the inequality they suffer during sex and as the remedy to this inequality, I think that it achieves exactly the opposite by perpetuating some wrong ideas about the female orgasm and how to achieve it. Not only that, this idea damages feminism by increasing the divide between women and men.<br />
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
The ‘orgasm gap’ idea is wrong scientifically</h2>
I am not contesting the idea that women achieve orgasm less frequently than men during sexual intercourse. That is a statistical fact [2-4]. However, an idea can be wrong scientifically even when based on fact: when it provides the wrong conceptual frame to understand a problem. The ‘orgasm gap’ idea does that by looking at orgasms through only one variable, their frequency, when in fact orgasms are complex phenomena in which intensity, quality, and emotional impact are as important as frequency. When we consider these crucial properties we come to realize that there is, in fact, another orgasm gap in the opposite direction: female orgasms are often more intense, more enjoyable and have a greater emotional impact than male orgasms. Of course, this second orgasm gap is not to be blamed on women but on some basic physiological differences between the sexes. This is not a new finding, people have been aware of it since antiquity, as I humorously pointed out in my article <i>The Orgasm Gap According to the Ancient Greek</i>.<br />
<br />
Of course, if you do not reach orgasm at all it does not help that it would have been better than a male orgasm. Here we are faced with a third orgasm gap, one that exists between women: some women are multiorgasmic and cum easily, others are anorgasmic, and most are between these extremes with different levels of difficulty in achieving orgasms. To complicate things even more, the ease, frequency and intensity of female orgasms change through life, notably after menopause, but also depending on factors like childbirth, motherhood, emotional health and quality of romantic relationships. Emotions like anger, indignation and shame have a great impact on the ability to orgasm and orgasm quality.<br />
<br />
The other way the ‘orgasm gap’ is wrong scientifically is in its second part. It discusses orgasms as something that happens only during sex with another person, ignoring orgasms achieved through masturbation. However, the inability of a woman to achieve orgasm through masturbation is a different problem that her inability to get it with a sexual partner. The first could point to a serious physiological or psychological disorder, whereas the second may or may not be caused by her sexual partner. By framing female orgasms as something exclusively related to sexual interaction, the idea of the orgasm gap may direct women in the wrong direction to solve their problem.<br />
<br />
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
Approaching sex with an ‘orgasm gap’ mentality is bad personally </h2>
Many people come to sex with a lot of emotional baggage. They may have grown up in a sexuality repressive culture that has left them filled with sexual guilt and shame. They may have been abused sexually. They may come from previous relationships with people that disregarded their sexual needs or that were sexually incompatible with them. And yet, for sex to be fulfilling, healthy and fun we have to leave that baggage behind and try for a fresh start. That may not always be possible, but at least we should be aware of our problems and not blame them on our sex partner. Here, an ‘orgasm gap’ mentality is likely to increase instead of remedy our previous problems. It makes women look at men with suspicion, which is a bad place to start. Even worse, it presents sex as a transactional act: “I give you pleasure if you give me pleasure”, when sex should be an act of generosity. A fundamental thing to understand about sex is that giving pleasure IS pleasure. Pleasure is not just the sensations arising from our genitals, is the whole emotional feedback, the upward spiral of ‘I enjoy that you enjoy that I enjoy that you enjoy…’.<br />
<br />
In my experience, the biggest obstacle to orgasm is anger. That’s why I think the revindicative approach to orgasm brought by the concept of the orgasm gap gets it completely backward. If you start having sex with the frame of mind that you are going to blame your partner if he doesn’t give you an orgasm, most likely you are not going to get one. You may add other negative emotions to anger, shame and craving, for example, but nothing drives sexual pleasure away as effectively as anger. There is no amount of sexual expertise that can overcome those walls in your head.<br />
<br />
If you are trapped in anorgasmia, the way out is in not to find a man that can ‘give you an orgasm’. Barred a medical or psychological problem, the path to better orgasms is creative masturbation. You should be able to give yourself orgasms, and in the process map out the places in your body, the touching, the rhythms, the fantasies, the words and the sounds that get you off [3]. Only then you will be able to tell them to your partner, so you can travel together on a landscape of pleasure. And remember, orgasms are only one more feature in that landscape.<br />
<br />
Regarding men's behavior, there is an issue regarding female orgasms that has been ignored by the orgasm gap warriors. As analyzed in the book A Billion Wicked Thoughts [5], many men do seek to give women orgasms with single-minded determination. However, they do not do it in the spirit of <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-passion-paradox/201208/are-you-ggg">good, giving and game (GGG)</a> sex, but because they consider it an act of conquest, a personal achievement demonstrating their sexual skills. Here the giving of pleasure comes from the ego, not from a place of generosity. The ‘orgasm gap’ ideology encourages this, adding to the ‘making her cum’ ego boost the additional reward of being politically correct.<br />
<br />
Genesis did a great satire of this attitude in their song Counting Out Time:<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I'm counting out time, hoping it goes like I planned it,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">'cause I understand it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Look! I've found the hotspots, Figures one and nine.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Still counting out time. Got my finger on the button.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"Don't say nuttin' just lie there still</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And I'll get you turned on just fine".</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Erogenous zones I love you!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Without you, what would a poor boy do?</span><br />
<br />
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
The ‘orgasm gap’ hurts the political goals of feminism</h2>
</div>
I have always defined myself as a feminist, but I look at modern trends in feminism with increasing unease. Some feminists seem to be hell-bent in starting a gender war. This is not new, of course. There is an undercurrent of misandry (hate of men) in some forms of feminism that goes back to the 70s. In particular, anti-porn feminism tried to condemn male sexual desire as inherently violent, exploitative and objectifying of women (culminating in the “penetration is rape” nonsense). I suspect that the ‘orgasm gap’ comes from this ideological current in a last desperate attempt to fend off sex-positive feminism. After all, this idea is consistent with a view of male sexuality as being inherently selfish.<br />
<br />
However, if feminism is to succeed, it needs to recruit men to its cause instead of alienating them. And this is what the ‘orgasm gap’ idea does when it blames men from the sexual problems of women. Of course, there are some selfish men who only seek their own sexual pleasure. More often, however, men fail at giving pleasure out of ignorance and lack of skill. As the practice of casual sex becomes more common, pleasuring women is not an easy task because their sexual responses vary enormously [2, 4, 6]. And no, it is not as easy as stimulating her clit; many women do not like their clits to be directly stimulated. And yet some others do. Others vastly prefer vaginal stimulation and do not care if this is politically incorrect. There are submissive women who fall on their knees and beg to be used for your pleasure. I’ve met sadistic women who were much more interested in my pain than in their own pleasure. Every woman is different, so go figure! As sex adviser Dan Savage once said, sex should be like a five-page dinner menu where each person gets to pick their favorite dish, and then share it.<br />
<br />
Just like in a relationship, sex should be the glue that binds women and men together to fight for progressive political causes. Including, of course, women equality. Tossing blame and shame back and forth across an artificially-created gender gap is foolish and counterproductive. Equality is not a zero-sum game, and nowhere is this truer than when it comes to sex.<br />
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
References:</h2>
[1] E.A. Armstrong, P. England, A.C.K. Fogarty, Accounting for Women’s Orgasm and Sexual Enjoyment in College Hookups and Relationships, American Sociological Review, 77 (2012) 435-462.<br />
[2] K.L. Blair, J. Cappell, C.F. Pukall, Not All Orgasms Were Created Equal: Differences in Frequency and Satisfaction of Orgasm Experiences by Sexual Activity in Same-Sex Versus Mixed-Sex Relationships, The Journal of Sex Research, 55 (2018) 719-733.<br />
[3] D.A. Frederick, H.K.S. John, J.R. Garcia, E.A. Lloyd, Differences in Orgasm Frequency Among Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Heterosexual Men and Women in a U.S. National Sample, Arch. Sex. Behav., 47 (2018) 273-288.<br />
[4] J.R. Garcia, E.A. Lloyd, K. Wallen, H.E. Fisher, Variation in orgasm occurrence by sexual orientation in a sample of U.S. singles, J Sex Med, 11 (2014) 2645-2652.<br />
[5] S.G. Ogi Ogas, A Billion Wicked Thoughts: What the Internet Tells Us About Sexual Relationships.<br />
[6] R. King, J. Belsky, K. Mah, Y. Binik, Are there different types of female orgasm?, Arch Sex Behav, 40 (2011) 865-875.<br />
<br /></div>
Hermes Solenzolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01692919473562622263noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2989381952921725577.post-42309073834177078592019-12-22T14:45:00.001-08:002019-12-22T14:45:18.571-08:00How to recognize abuse in BDSM relationships<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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One of the key issues in BDSM has always been how to distinguish
a healthy BDSM relationship from one based on abuse and exploitation. To do
that, an agreement was reached back in the 80s based on the three criteria of “safe,
sane and consensual” (SSC). This means that there should be no serious physical
injuries (<u>safe</u>), there should be no emotional manipulation (<u>sane</u>),
and that everything that happens should have the consent of the participants (<u>consensual</u>).
Later come other formulations, like “risk-aware consensual kink” (RACK), but in
my opinion they lack the simplicity and directness of SSC. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="story">
<br /></div>
<div class="story">
There are also techniques that ensure that a BDSM scene is SSC. <u>Negotiation</u>
consists of a discussion of the things that will happen in a BDSM scene, done
as equals and with a spirit of honesty, respect and open communication. During
the negotiation some <u>limits</u> are established: things that the bottom
partner does not want to do or to endure. Often, limits are divided between
hard limits, which are never to be crossed, and soft limits, things the bottom
may accept in some circumstances or in future play. For example, sexual
intercourse can be a hard or a soft limit. Importantly, SSC means that consent
can be withdrawn at any time during a BDSM scene. The bottom may simply say
“no” or “stop” but, since these may be uttered in the screams in a scene, a <u>safeword</u>
is used instead. This is a word agreed during negotiation which is used by the
bottom to stop the kinky play in an unambiguous way. A lot of people and BDSM
organizations use “red”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>as a safeword,
sometimes using “yellow” to ask for the intensity of the scene to be decreased
without stopping the action altogether, like in a traffic light. The safeword complements
the limits by providing a way to stop something unexpected or that causes
unbearable feelings. Some BDSMers do not like to use a safeword because they
have other ways of communicating when there is a problem. Other objections to
the use of a safeword are that the bottom may be in a state of mind in which it
is impossible to say it, or that it can be an excuse for the Top not to check
on the bottom. Evidently, a safeword is meant to be used as a safety device in
addition to all other precautions that can be taken to ensure that the play is
SSC. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="story">
<br /></div>
<div class="story">
BDSM can be practiced in some extreme forms and still be SSC. In
<u>full-time or 24/7 BDSM</u> there are no scenes, the Dominant and the
submissive are in-role all the time in their relationship. This means that
there are rules that the submissive has to follow all the time or else be
punished, and that the Dominant can always demand obedience and servitude. For
some people in this type of relationship, Dominant and submissive are not roles
that they play but it is who they are. Another extreme form of BDSM is <u>“consensual
non-consent”</u>, which varies from pretending that the Top is doing something
that the bottom does not accept, to accepting being ordered, hit or used
sexually by the Top at his or her whim. I mention these extreme forms of BDSM to
point out that they are not abusive, as long as they have been previously
negotiated and mutually accepted without any form of coercion. In particular,
everybody should be able to leave the relationship or to re-negotiate its
terms. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="story">
<br /></div>
<div class="story">
Despite all this, it is unfortunately true that BDSM lends
itself to facilitate and hide abuse. First, there are some myths in BDSM
culture that undermine SSC and promote exploitation. Here are a few examples of
these myths: that dominance and submission are valuable by themselves; that a
“true submissive” must obey the Dominant unquestionably; that limits are meant
to be overcome, or that a BDSM relationship must progress to 24/7 or consensual
non-consent. Second, the lack of acceptance of BDSM makes it difficult for
victims to denounce abuse, because that would entail to come out as practicing
BDSM and therefore risking being victimized again by society. Conversely, some
people are intent to label healthy BDSM relationships as abusive for
ideological reasons, ranging from social conservatism to some puritanical forms
of feminism. Because of this, I think it is crucial to discuss the different ways
in which BDSM can be used as a pretext for abuse, emotional control and
exploitation. I am not going to talk about rape or physical sexual abuse, which
are hideous but easily identifiable, but about more devious forms of abuse
based on psychological manipulation and the subversion of common BDSM practices.
Of course, emotional abuse can happen in both BDSM and vanilla relationships,
and it is not more common in kink. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I have tried to use gender-neutral language as much as possible;
otherwise, I alternate between genders. Although is statistically more frequent
that the abuser is male and the victim is female, abuse can occur in all kinds
of gender combinations. Also, I alternate between referring to Dominant and
submissives (which implies a Dominance/submission or DS relationship) and Tops
and bottom (implying a sadomasochist or SM relationship). There are
peculiarities to different gender combinations (for example, femdom, gay BDSM,
lesbian BDSM, etc.), and to DS and SM relationships, but it would be too complicated
to discuss them here. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="story">
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Here is a list of ways in which abuse may occur in BDSM
relationships. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="story">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><u>Jealousy and possessiveness </u>are often at the
core of abuse. A lot of violence in couples, even murder, is motivated by
jealousy. Dominance-submission forms a perfect cover for possessive
relationships because it normalizes control by one partner and surrender by the
other. Hence, the difference between a healthy and an abusive relationship can
be hard to tell for people outside of it. One clue could be found in how the
dominant reacts to the social environment of the submissive. Continuous
suspicion and using dominance as an excuse for exaggerated control over most
aspects of life should be other warning signs. For example, demanding access to
your cell phone is a sign of unwarranted control and intrusion in your privacy.
In the specific context of BDSM, an abuser will seek to bypass SSC and subvert
BDSM practices to achieve emotional control. This is the common characteristic
of the next points. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><u>Not respecting limits</u>. An abusive Top may
consider limits as a personal challenge and set to work to undermine them. This
is often rationalized as the need for the submissive to “grow” in order to
experience BDSM more deeply. In reality, the abuser sees your limits as an
impediment to the absolute control he wants to exercise over you. He will
consider overcoming your limits as a personal success. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><u>Objecting to a safeword</u>. Abusers often
take advantage of the controversy around safewords (mentioned above) to
discourage the bottom from using them. Another common strategy is to agree to
use a safeword but making it clear that the submissive will be punished for
using it. The punishment may consist in stopping the scene and refusing to go
back to it, a measure that is unnecessary unless the bottom asks for it. The
Top may also become unkind, passive-aggressive or outright angry. In extreme
cases, she may berate or reject the submissive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><u>Adopting extreme forms of BDSM</u>. To
maximize their control, abusers may try to quickly escalate relationships to
24/7 or consensual non-consent. This is rationalized as the myth that these
type of relationships are the truest form of BDSM, or that they are somehow
more desirable because they would make the submissive happier or more
prestigious in the BDSM community. The reality is quite different: 24/7 and
consensual non-consent are relatively uncommon and are reached after a couple
has gone through a long evolution in their practice. They are never assumed
casually. Another difference is that 24/7 is most often practiced by monogamous
couples that are deeply committed to each other, whereas an abuser may try to
impose 24/7 on multiple partners simultaneously, creating what is called a
“stable” of submissives. Of course, polyamory is very common in BDSM, what is
uncommon is 24/7 relationships with multiple partners. An honest 24/7
relationship is very demanding for the Dominant, who has to continuously
interact with the submissive so that she gets something in exchange for her
surrender. An abuser, however, will neglect the submissive once he has obtained
the control and exclusivity that he desires. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><u>Secrets</u>. An abuser may demand that you
keep complete secrecy of what happens between you and him, perhaps with the
excuse of protecting your privacy or under the fear that your BDSM relationship
would not be understood by your family and friends. That deprives you of
seeking advice and contrasting what he does with what other people do. Of
course, it is reasonable to ask that some intimate things remain private, but
excessive secrecy should be a warning sign.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">6.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><u>Exaggerations and lies</u>. Abusers are not
usually honest people, they surround themselves by a thick net of
exaggerations, half-truths and outright lies. That serves to hide who they
really are and to inflate their ego. He will make you believe that he is an
attractive man, that many women are after him, that you are very lucky in that
he has chosen you, and that you will lose big time if he leaves you. Narcissism
and low self-esteem are often at the root of the need for control that drives
manipulative behavior.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">7.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><u>Encouraging lying and other bad behavior</u>.
Eventually, the abuser will try to make you an accomplice of his lies. It is
very easy to progress from asking you to keep a secret to making you lie to protect
that secret. The abuser may also enlist your cooperation in abusing other
people. This would make you feel special, that you have progressed to his inner
circle, unlike all those submissive losers that crave his attention. If this
creates feelings of guilt and shame in you, they will only serve to encourage
you to accept the abuser’s rationalizations. This way, your own bad behavior
will cause you to become more entrapped in the abuser’s web of lies and
self-aggrandizement. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">8.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><u>Blaming and shaming</u>. The worst abuser is
the one who most adeptly uses psychological manipulation methods to control
you. Guilt and shame are very powerful emotions that can be used for emotional
control. A common tactic is for the abuser to cast himself as the victim,
especially if you are trying to leave him. She may tell you how much you have
hurt her feelings and how cruel you are for doing so. If you apologize, as most
people would do, this would only serve to start a dynamic in which you
continually have to atone for your fault. You find yourself constantly on the
defensive. Your behavior is always questioned, but never his. Of course, all of
this may happen in vanilla relationships, but in BDSM there is the added
element that you are supposed to be submissive, to give yourself completely to the
Dom. Submission becomes an obligation, something that defines your value as a
person, instead of being a choice that you make for your own reasons.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">9.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><u>Drug abuse</u>. It is a widely held belief in
the BDSM community that drug use should be avoided in a BDSM scene. Personally,
I make an exception for the use of cannabis by my bottom when I have been
playing with her for many years, because this enhances her experience. Still, I
believe that the Top should refrain from consuming drugs and alcohol before or
during a scene, because he needs a clear mind to ensure safety and consent. A
submissive that is inebriated or high on drugs may be unable to give consent
and process pain sensations and strong emotions. This is particularly true for
opioids and stimulant drugs like cocaine and amphetamines. Needless to say, inducing
a submissive to take drugs would be an easy way for an abuser to gain complete control
over her by decreasing her critical ability and weakening her will.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">10.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><u>Attacks
to other people</u>. "If you want to know how your boyfriend will treat
you, see how he treats his mother," says popular wisdom. You may find that
your new Dom is prone to road rage, starting flame wars on the internet and
other violent behavior. That should be a clue of how he is going to behave with
you once the relationship settles down. The infliction of pain and the giving
of orders in BDSM should be done without anger. The Dom should be in a state of
self-control all the time. Otherwise, a scene can slip into a physical abuse
before you realize what is happening. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">11.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><u>Social
isolation</u> is a technique widely used by religious sects. They convince you
that your family and friends are bad for you, that they are to blame for all
the problems you had before. A jealous dominant may use the same method by
ordering you to break up with your friends and then surround you with his own friends,
people who are loyal enough to him to support his lies and gaslighting. Integrating
into the social environment of the abuser deprives you of the referent of
people who can advise you, putting you in a situation of psychological
vulnerability. Sophisticated abusers interact with people who think and act like
them, cultivating collective beliefs that justify the abuse.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">12.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><u>Taking
control of your life</u>: money, work, housing, etc. It could be a great
temptation to go live with your Dom, let him support you financially or use his
connections to get you a nice job. Especially if the Dom is wealthy your
financial situation is not so great. You may have fantasized about finding your
own Christian Grey, a powerful alpha male who will completely envelop you with
his amazing power, providing safety and security forever. After all, isn’t this
the common theme of countless romantic novels? However, this can be the biggest
mistake of all. Not only this would increase your social isolation, but once your
Dom is in control of your finances and living arrangements it may become
practically impossible to break up with him. This would require a lot of
external help from friends and family but, if he also has managed to destroy
your relationship with them, what can you possibly do? <o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="story">
In this era of #MeToo, it has become fashionable to divide
people between abusers and victims. Abusers are evil people who are
irredeemable and should be avoided and ostracized, while victims are blameless souls
who should always be believed and protected. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unfortunately, life is much more complicated.
Yes, there are predators out there who are unscrupulous, selfish and full of
bad intentions. But far more common are people who are ill-informed,
unconsciously possessive, jealous and mindless. And this applies to both
dominants and submissives. Just like a Dom may become over-controlling and exploitative,
a submissive may rush into a type of relationship that she is not prepared for,
be it 24/7, consensual non-consent, a live-in situation or financial dependency.
Which is to say, unhealthy BDSM relationships may happen more out of ignorance
than malice. It is important to realize that extreme forms of BDSM are
incredibly powerful and intoxicating, and can easily lead to psychological
dependence by undermining your self-esteem. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="story">
<br /></div>
<div class="story">
It is hard to talk about these things without feeding into the
narratives of those who want to condemn BDSM. Also, let me emphasize that 24/7
and consensual non-consent are legitimate forms of BDSM, that they can be
practiced safely and enrich the lives of the people who adopt them. They are
just things not to rush into, especially when you are young or inexperienced. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My advice is to practice BDSM by scenes,
returning to your independent, autonomous self in between. Only after doing
that for many years you should venture into extreme BDSM. Read a lot about it,
integrate yourself in the BDSM community, make lots of friends, get a mentor
who is not your Dom, and always stay alert for those who want to use BDSM to
exploit and control you.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br /></div>
Hermes Solenzolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01692919473562622263noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2989381952921725577.post-23487003899370875842019-12-18T22:17:00.003-08:002019-12-18T22:19:59.806-08:00Did Sam Harris just play a hoax on the listeners of his podcast?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2Qaiu8JuF8mX0HHZXVyRRRaWfqRhfSBOc7GoG9VLBO310oNHkuh_Uzwil107fEMeLZY5PmNEEjksJKX3kPV-N4sx8IpgJ580L57pScK0c3kC5MsJYLjFtmHqBJ6L0A0OYgsR1uEvy1r0/s1600/IMG_2151.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2Qaiu8JuF8mX0HHZXVyRRRaWfqRhfSBOc7GoG9VLBO310oNHkuh_Uzwil107fEMeLZY5PmNEEjksJKX3kPV-N4sx8IpgJ580L57pScK0c3kC5MsJYLjFtmHqBJ6L0A0OYgsR1uEvy1r0/s400/IMG_2151.JPG" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The interior of the church La Sagrada Familia, Barcelona, Spain</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Episode 178 of the podcast of Sam Harris, “<i>Making Sense</i>”, is titled <i>The Reality Illusion</i> and is just short
of 3 hours long. In it, Sam Harris and his wife Annaka interview <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Donald_D._Hoffman">Donald Hoffman</a>, a professor
at the University of California at Irvine. Hoffman starts by making the
argument that our minds evolved to hide reality from us, so that the real nature
of reality is completely different from what we experience. Depending on how
far you want to take this, it is either obvious or an appeal to radical
skepticism. It would be obvious because our senses clearly do not show the real
world as made of atoms, photons and the like. They make a model of the world
that we can use to do things in the world and to predict the outcome of those
actions. In that our minds are quite successful, thank you very much! Radical
skepticism is the idea that we cannot be sure about anything that we think we
know. Ironically, even though skepticism is considered the enemy of religion,
radical skepticism is an argument for religious belief because, since we cannot
know anything, we may as well believe in religion. Clearly, the success of
science is a good argument against radical skepticism.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But is in the second part of Hoffman’s argument when things
get really weird. After much hand waving, he basically says that this reality
that we cannot perceive (because our senses lie to us) is composed of “conscious
agents” that have an effect on the world. He sustains, with Annaka enthusiastic
agreement, that consciousness is the fundamental reality. Why? Well, because we
don’t understand consciousness, so we may as well make it the fundament of
reality. Since consciousness is already there in the world, we do not need to
explain what it is. This is a classic example of the “argument from ignorance”
fallacy. Too bad that all the training that Sam and Annaka have on critical
thinking does not let them recognize that. The idea that consciousness, or
mind, is fundamental to reality is an old one, and it is called <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panpsychism">panpsychism</a>. It’s a weird,
mystical idea that clashes against modern materialism, more correctly called physicalism
(everything follows the laws of physics) or naturalism (the laws of nature are necessary
and sufficient to explain reality). However, what Hoffman is saying is much
crazier than panpsychism. He is saying that the world is full of “conscious
agents” that we cannot perceive. To me, this sounds like saying that he believes
in angels, or ghosts. Because, what is a “conscious agent”? “Conscious” means
that it has a mind like our own. “Agent” means that it does stuff in the world.
This contradicts the principle of causality, stating that every natural
phenomenon has to have a natural cause. Which is a basic axiom of science,
without which all magical beliefs are possible. But this does not bother
Hoffman because… guess what? He doesn’t believe in causality! Nor does he believe
in space-time. These are illusions created by our minds, which cannot perceive
the real reality… With all its angels, ghosts, leprechauns, elves, “conscious
agents”… whatever you want to call these spiritual, invisible, inaudible, untouchable
beings. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What evidence does Professor Hoffman have for the existence
of these beings? Well, he has a mathematical model. In the 3 hour-long podcast,
he does not even hint of how this mathematical model is supposed to work. Because,
you see, mathematics is just too hard to explain to the common person. At
Annaka’s instance, he did admit that he introduces consciousness into the model
at the onset. So, consciousness in, consciousness out. Garbage in, garbage out.
That’s how mathematical models work. They are a great tool of science, but if
they become disconnected from the actual results of experiments they can lead to
all kinds of wild conclusions. Like believing in angels. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The reasoning used by Hoffman, and to a certain extent,
Annaka, is too similar to the reasoning of quacks to be the product of honest,
serious minds trained in critical thinking. That’s why I think this has to be a
hoax. I am rushing to call it before Sam Harris tells us what fools we have
been in believing it. In fact, it is quite similar to the famous <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sokal_affair">Sokal hoax</a>. Physicist Alan
Sokal published an article in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Social Text</i>,
a postmodernist journal, saying that physical reality is a social and
linguistic construct. This is very similar to the title of this podcast
episode: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Reality Illusion</i>, isn’t
it? Ever since the Sokal hoax, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sokal_affair#The_%22Sokal_Squared%22_scandal">several
copycat hoaxes</a> have been attempted, with limited success. So perhaps Sam
Harris got into his mind to do a better one. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But, wait, Donald Hoffman has written a book about all this:
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Case Against Reality</i>. <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Case-Against-Reality-Evolution-Truth/dp/0393254690/ref=sr_1_1?crid=189WHYHOSQ5AK&keywords=the+case+against+reality&qid=1576732714&sprefix=The+case+against+reality%2Caps%2C1563&sr=8-1">The
book is for sale at Amazon</a>. Maybe the book itself is a hoax? Judging from the
description of the book, it seems that is about the initial, less outrageous
claims of Hoffman. So maybe only the second part of his claim, his mystical “conscious
agents”, is the hoax.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The truly terrifying idea would be that this is not a hoax,
that Sam and Annaka Harris swallowed this crackpot theory hook, line and
sinker. That would be a real shame, because I really like Sam Harris and his
podcast, even though <a href="https://medium.com/@hermessolenzol/the-evidence-for-free-will-and-how-denying-it-devaluates-freedom-5f9a01626ceb">I
strongly disagree with his ideas about free will</a> (he says it’s an illusion)
and consciousness (he has a glorified view of it as the one and only
uncontroversial truth). His pushback against religion (kind of forgotten now)
and political correctness are much needed. As a life-long meditator, I also
sympathize with his effort to popularize meditation and mindfulness. I just hope
that he does not go too far into mysticism and magical thinking. That one of
the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_Atheism#%22Four_Horsemen%22">Four
Horsemen of Atheism</a></i> would fall prey to superstition would be
tremendously ironical, and a real shame. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br /></div>
Hermes Solenzolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01692919473562622263noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2989381952921725577.post-70904566579168241752019-10-19T13:43:00.002-07:002019-10-19T13:46:23.516-07:00How to avoid hurting the one we love<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEig_vmpoCXToxHM1UyKniFw1v8_5fWwaQrVQdtEb8NBTATscGRydDcflN80wCqq8jae_k4Z300Wp0t6Xf4k0y5n7mHIBXnixG3oTV8V7zjalpaSi9Vu_cDty_jvU6q-Z0PoNec48sAxgjE/s1600/IMG_2123.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEig_vmpoCXToxHM1UyKniFw1v8_5fWwaQrVQdtEb8NBTATscGRydDcflN80wCqq8jae_k4Z300Wp0t6Xf4k0y5n7mHIBXnixG3oTV8V7zjalpaSi9Vu_cDty_jvU6q-Z0PoNec48sAxgjE/s640/IMG_2123.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Obscured by clouds. La Pedriza, Madrid, Spain (2018). Photo by Hermes Solenzol. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
It is quite ironic that the person who loves you more is also the person who is able to hurt you most deeply. Romantic relationships entail a great deal of suffering. And everybody thinks that this is unavoidable, that suffering is just the price you pay for love. But I think that it doesn’t have to be this way, that if we hurt the person we love it’s because we must be doing something wrong. It seems that when we reach a certain degree of intimacy we start allowing ourselves some behaviors that bring conflict and emotional damage. Then, perhaps what we should do is to learn to recognize those behaviors and ways to avoid them. We should learn healthier ways to love.<br />
<br />
“Abuse” is a strong word. We neatly divide the world between abusers, who deserve our scorn and even jail time; victims, who must be protected and healed, and the rest of us, nice people who are neither abusers or victims. This classification works quite well when it comes to physical abuse, because physical damage is relatively easy to identify. Unwanted sexual contact is a bit more tricky, because social norms in some borderline cases are in a state of flux, but in most cases the line between consent and non-consent is quite clear. However, when it comes to emotional abuse there are no such clear boundaries. Whether a particular act is abusive or not depends on context, intention, how often is repeated, and how resilient or vulnerable is the person that receives it. Perhaps this explains why we hurt the person we love so often, sometimes intentionally, sometimes inadvertently. When it comes to emotional damage we all can be small-scale abusers and victims. Of course, there are real psychological abusers: those who cause emotional damage in an intentional or habitual way with the objective of bringing the other person under their control. Emotional abuse could be defined as any behavior that causes psychological damage, produces dependence, and decreases the self-esteem of the target person. It is based on breaking the psychological balance of a person using three key emotions, fear, guilt and shame.<br />
<br />
Here is a list of some behaviors involved in emotional abuse:<br />
<br />
1.<span style="white-space: pre;"> </span><u>Coercion </u>is a demand that can’t be refused without bringing about serious negative consequences. One clear example is coerced sex; imposed, for example, under the threat of a fight. But coercion can be used to obtain many other things: going to a party, socializing with some particular people, choosing a vacation spot, how to decorate the house, or when to have children.<br />
<br />
2.<span style="white-space: pre;"> </span><u>Threats</u> are one of the most direct forms of coercion. They evoke fear to get what we want. In a couple, one of the most frequent threats is breaking up. This usually happen as a result of an unbalance of power, because one person values the relationship more than the other. It could be that she is more in love or that the relationship brings on advantages that he doesn’t want to lose. Sometimes, the impending threat of the break-up becomes an unspoken but powerful coercion. Other times this threat is just a bluff.<br />
<br />
3.<span style="white-space: pre;"> </span><u>Frightening</u>. Threats are just one way of using fear to control a person. Emotional manipulation can be increased in an environment of high anxiety created by actions like screaming, throwing things, breaking things, risking safety or breaking the law. The simple presence of fear creates an environment of oppression.<br />
<br />
4.<span style="white-space: pre;"> </span><u>Blackmail</u> is a form of coercion that consist in threatening to do something that the other person doesn’t want us to do if he does not comply with our demands. One familiar form of blackmail is the threat of telling about something. One clear example is “outing”: revealing that somebody is gay, bisexual, into BDSM, polyamorous, or any other form of sexuality not approved by society.<br />
<br />
5.<span style="white-space: pre;"> </span><u>Emotional blackmail</u> consists in using fear, obligation or guilt (abbreviated by the acronym FOG) with the goal of pressuring another person to do what we want. There are four types of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_blackmail">emotional blackmail</a>. The first consists in the threat of punishment. A classic example in couples is the withdrawal of sex or affection. The second type is self-punishment: the threat of harming oneself. An extreme but all-too-familiar case is the threat of suicide. A milder case is that sulking attitude when we don’t get what we want. The third type of emotional blackmail consists in engaging in acts of self-sacrifice with the goal of evoking guilt. These include all those acts of service that are done not out of goodwill or love, but to get something in exchange. The fourth type is perhaps the most difficult to recognize, because it consists in offering a price in exchange for getting what we want. A classic example is offering candy to a child in exchange for a kiss. In a couple, offering sex as a price may seem like a good idea at first, but in fact this is not very different from withdrawing sex when we don’t get what we want. It leads to the creation of a manipulative environment in which we don’t know why things are done.<br />
<br />
6.<span style="white-space: pre;"> </span><u>Breaking boundaries</u>. We all have things that we don’t want to do or want done to ourselves: those are our boundaries. In a healthy relationship each person defines what his boundaries are and respects the boundaries of the other. Problems arise either when boundaries are not clearly defined or when they are known but are broken nevertheless.<br />
<br />
7.<span style="white-space: pre;"> </span><u>Sabotage</u>. This includes instances of not respecting the work, family and social obligations of our lover. The most typical case is when a couple’s brawl leaves us so upset that we cannot focus on work. In this case the sabotage is involuntary and indirect. A step up from that is when somebody has so little respect for their partner that he gives no consideration to her work schedule or the time he needs to devote to family and friends. Time and attention can be misappropriated, for example, by forcing dates or phone conversations at inopportune times. In the more extreme cases of abuse, the abuser directly interferes with the work or social environment of the victim with the clear goal of undermining them. I know a case of a husband who called her wife’s boss to tell him the she was quitting the job, which of course was not her intention.<br />
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8.<span style="white-space: pre;"> </span><u>Lack of communication</u>. Good communication is vital in any healthy relationship. It is hard even in the best situations, so it becomes nearly impossible when somebody sabotages it as part of a manipulative strategy. One example of this is the “silent treatment” (refusing to talk) or its modern version: ghosting in social media. Another is doing the opposite: talking continuously to create a “<a href="http://sexsciencespirit.blogspot.com/2015/11/the-wall-of-words.html">wall of words</a>” that prevents the other person from talking.<br />
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9.<span style="white-space: pre;"> </span><u>Lying</u>. Of course, the worst form of lack of communication is not telling the truth. Lying could be considered as a way of taking power away from somebody, because misinformation prevents that person from making the best decisions. Lying is considered the main offense in infidelity, but any form of lying or dishonesty is harmful in a relationship because it undermines trust.<br />
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10.<span style="white-space: pre;"> </span><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting">Gaslighting </a>is an extreme form of psychological abuse consisting in the systematic manipulation of the information that is provided to a person. The goal is to weave of a web of lies, half-truths, secrets and deceptions that creates a distorted view of reality. This is often done with the goal of hiding a situation of generalized abuse. Gaslighting greatly harms the self-esteem and may cause the victim to question her own sanity. The name comes from the play Gas Light and its movie adaptations.<br />
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11.<span style="white-space: pre;"> </span><u>Keeping secrets</u>. The question of whether is okay to keep secrets from our partner is a delicate one. On the one hand, everybody has a right to his own privacy - some things are so intimate that we want to keep them from absolutely anybody. On the other hand, hiding some things that our partner has the right to know could be considered lying by omission. The most clear examples are STIs and adultery.<br />
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12.<span style="white-space: pre;"> </span><u>Invading privacy</u> is the other side of that coin. Everybody has a right to reveal things about themselves only if they want to, when they want to, and how they want to. Even when we reveal something to one person, we have the right that this is not revealed to other persons without our consent. And even if there is something that we should not keep secret, that does not make it okay to use coercion to force us to reveal it. A modern instance of violation of privacy is to search a cell phone or a computer without the permission of the owner.<br />
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13.<span style="white-space: pre;"> </span><u>Complaints and criticisms</u>. Complaining is normal. If something is not going well in the relationship it is essential for good communication to talk about it. But there are many ways to say something. When complaints and criticisms are made with the intention of evoking shame and guilt we enter the territory of emotional mistreatment. Problems should be presented at the right occasion, preferably with enough time to discuss them without feeling rushed. There should be no intention of hurting and offending. Quantity matters: a long list of reproaches is overwhelming and offensive. We should also pay attention to two bad habits related to this. The first is to be easily offended, so that whoever talks to us is kept on edge, having to constantly self-censor. The other is to present oneself as the victim, a common strategy of psychological abusers.<br />
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14.<span style="white-space: pre;"> </span><u>Shaming</u>. Even more than guilt, <a href="https://medium.com/@hermessolenzol/what-is-shame-5973574b9ace">shame </a>is the emotion that damages most the self-esteem. Consider, for example, all the cases of homosexual teenagers that are driven to suicide by shaming from their parents, their teachers, their classmates or religious authorities. One of the most common instances of emotional abuse are degrading comments and continuous criticism. A extreme case of shaming is cyber-bullying: the harassment and public shaming of individuals in social networks. Another form of shaming is to berate people not for what they do but for who they are, like their gender, ethnicity, sexual orientation or culture. Here we enter on the territory of bigotry and intolerance.<br />
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15.<span style="white-space: pre;"> </span><u>Not apologizing</u>. We all make mistakes, so we all should be ready to apologize when we hurt another person. A timely apology could mean the difference between a fight that is satisfactorily resolved and another that leaves scars for a lifetime. It could also mean the difference between a mistake done without malice or an act of deliberate abuse. When a person in a couple apologizes all the time and the other never does it, that is a sign that something is gone really wrong.<br />
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16.<span style="white-space: pre;"> </span><u>Not forgiving</u>. Not accepting an apology can undermine the dignity of the person offering it and thus can be hurtful and aggressive. Of course, not everything could or should be forgiven. In fact, in many instances of abuse there is a pathological form or forgiveness based on co-dependency: the victim constantly forgives the abuser, even making far-fetched excuses for the abuse. A necessary condition for forgiveness should be that the deed to be forgiven has ended. We can’t forgive somebody who persists in the misbehavior. On the other hand, not granting forgiveness that has been earned can become emotional abuse when this is used to perpetuates guilt as a form of control. Maybe the right thing to do when something cannot be forgiven is to terminate the relationship, rather than to continue it in the climate of power unbalance brought by the feeling of guilt. A variant of this problem is when an apology is accepted but used later on, over and over, to remind the person of his past guilt. This is not true forgiveness, which means that the issue is closed and we have moved on.<br />
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17.<span style="white-space: pre;"> </span><u>Passive-aggressive behavior</u> is an expression of hostility based on not doing things that we are supposed to do. It includes some of the problems that I mention above, like lack of communication, withdrawing affection, not apologizing, and not forgiving. But there are many other ways of being passive aggressive, sometimes hard to identify. Even over-politeness or extreme compliance can be forms of passive-aggression. By the same token, it is easy to accuse a well-meaning person of being passive-aggressive and it is very difficult to defend ourselves against such an accusation.<br />
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18.<span style="white-space: pre;"> </span><u>Social isolation</u>. A common technique to create emotional dependence in religious cults is to separate a new follower from his family and friends. This way the victim loses the frame of reference that would allow her to escape indoctrination. A similar situation can take place in a couple when a person is separated from her friends and social environment, usually because of jealousy.<br />
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19.<span style="white-space: pre;"> </span><u>Social pressure</u>. I may also happen that one of the individuals in a couple becomes completely surrounded by the friends and family of the other. Then, when problems arise in the couple, these people will have a biased attitude about them. Social pressure can also come from cultural norms that favor a type of person or a form of relationship. One clear example is sexism when society condones a man’s control over a woman’s behavior. Another case is when one person wants some kind of sexual freedom, like being kinky or polyamorous, and another person prevents it with the help of cultural norms and societal repression. We call this slut-shaming: harassing people because their sexual behavior infringes cultural norms.<br />
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I must confess that I have done some of the things in this list, but I also I had some of them done to me. Perhaps you think that you don’t do them just because you are a woman, or a feminist, or gay. Well, think again, you may be in denial. After all, even hard-core psychological abusers don’t see themselves as such. Is all too easy to rationalize emotional abuse as self-defense, standing up for ourselves, or even being funny. Most of us have been in a couple’s quarrel in which we have tried to scare or hurt the person that we love. If we need to fight, at least fight fairly, without being manipulative or cruel. We should raise our ethical standards and educate ourselves in all these different forms of emotional abuse. It should not be considered normal, even in its mildest forms. It leaves scars that undermine the relationship, setting the foundation for future fights, and even turning the relationship into something toxic. Moreover, when we engage in these behaviors we contribute to normalize them, making them harder to identify in cases of serious psychological abuse.<br />
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One of the worse things about psychological abuse is that it’s so hard to identify. There is a gradation between what is socially accepted behavior in a couple (but still wrong) and psychological abuse. Where our own behavior falls in that gradient depends not only on what our intentions are but on how vulnerable is the other person. It is easy to hurt somebody by mistake. Emotional mistreatment often becomes mutual in a couple. This may lead to a toxic relationship where victim and abuser are not always easy to identify. So we should be mindful that, even if we are being mistreated, this does not justify retaliating with emotional abuse of our own.<br />
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We all should examine carefully our behavior towards our loved one and carefully expunge any element of emotional abuse. When somebody opens their heart to us, this makes them extremely vulnerable. We should not betray their trust by using this vulnerability to hurt them or to exploit them. Even if we do it unconsciously, there is no excuse. If we want to be loved, we have to learn to love. And this consists in making the other person happy. Love should not hurt.<br />
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Hermes Solenzolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01692919473562622263noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2989381952921725577.post-75850505658528137742019-09-08T18:59:00.000-07:002019-09-08T19:00:33.400-07:00Spicing up your scene with hot peppers<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_06gZDgECErYFFSSNaT33iVu-kk-kVk7uBe2ZxouNoNgoxzVTheZwAlFY0Q24UjNbX0E8YY3T3QheGvUAE5kWtgcS-mGtGlrHXsUCQZqgeuKs1o1fknZkeHBuD0oP1HVfalqnr6Ey3SI/s1600/hot+peppers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="260" data-original-width="400" height="208" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_06gZDgECErYFFSSNaT33iVu-kk-kVk7uBe2ZxouNoNgoxzVTheZwAlFY0Q24UjNbX0E8YY3T3QheGvUAE5kWtgcS-mGtGlrHXsUCQZqgeuKs1o1fknZkeHBuD0oP1HVfalqnr6Ey3SI/s320/hot+peppers.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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One of the nicest things about a spanking is the afterglow: the warm feeling in your buns after the job is done; the way they become exquisitely sensitive to the touch of the hand or the rub of the underwear; how it reminds you of your punishment when you are fucked doggie-style and his belly bangs against your bottom as his cock dives deep inside you. Surely, many spankees long for a way to make the afterglow last longer or even to make it more intense.<br />
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Well, such a method exist. It is based on the creative use of hot peppers or their active ingredient, a chemical called capsaicin. In this article I am going to tell you more than you ever wanted to know about the science behind the wonderful effects of capsaicin. Then I am going to explain how to use hot peppers to enhance that afterglow feeling to such a level that it may make your spankee regret that you ever read this article.<br />
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<h3 style="text-align: left;">
The science of hot peppers and capsaicin</h3>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4lRGGIBdKwZ46Fkf_J9MniSlv90vbDWSv-6To1vo00_aQXuX3vvBp0in9eyM-D7gFYEVbvaw80ixo7maowg-vzfUhv1TFHPDbND4Y-fa8drDCO0yqZ3nUA9mk27A5yvRrFtRBkzkXJbA/s1600/C-010+-+Capsaicin.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="500" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4lRGGIBdKwZ46Fkf_J9MniSlv90vbDWSv-6To1vo00_aQXuX3vvBp0in9eyM-D7gFYEVbvaw80ixo7maowg-vzfUhv1TFHPDbND4Y-fa8drDCO0yqZ3nUA9mk27A5yvRrFtRBkzkXJbA/s200/C-010+-+Capsaicin.png" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">capsaicin molecule</td></tr>
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Ever wondered why hot peppers are hot? Not all spicy food produces this burning sensation: garlic, onions, horseradish and wasabi also elicit a strong, sometimes unpleasant “spicy” sensation, but not of the burning kind. The burning sensation of hot peppers is caused by a single chemical, a molecule called capsaicin. Research started in the 90s unraveled why capsaicin makes you feel like you are burning without being actually burnt. Capsaicin, it turns out, binds to a protein called <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/TRPV1">TRPV1 </a>(transient receptor potential vanilloid 1, if you want to know) that is also activated by high temperatures. TRPV1 is present in a population of C-fibers, the nerves that transmit pain from the skin and other organs to the spinal cord. C-fibers with TRPV1 transmit burning pain, so when capsaicin activates TRPV1 it also feels like burning. Garlic, horseradish and wasabi activates a similar protein called TRPA1, which when activated also elicits pain but not a burning sensation. Yet another protein of the same family, TRPM8, is the receptor for menthol and produces the sensation of cold. That’s why menthol feels cool. Fascinating, isn’t it?<br />
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Now let’s go back to BDSM. You are being spanked and every slaps that lands on your bottom feels hot. After the spanking is over your buns stay warm for a while. Why? Does this has anything to do with TRPV1? Yes, it does. The impacts of the spanking cause a bit of damage in the dermis, the bottom layer of the skin, causing its cells to release some of the metabolites stored inside them, like ATP and glutamate. These activate receptors in the C-fibers (the pain nerves) which in turn release two neuropeptides, substance P and CGRP (calcitonin gene-related peptide, if you need to know), which make the capillaries swell with blood. This is why your bottom turns that nice red. It’s a process called inflammation, characterized by three things: pain, swelling and heat. Some of the released chemicals cause a bit of activation TRPV1, which is responsible for the heat component of the inflammation.<br />
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Hot peppers burn in your mouth, because mucosa skin is rich in TRPV1, but do not produce much burning in regular skin. However, if the skin is inflamed that’s a different story: the TRPV1 receptors are already primed by the inflammatory soup of chemicals released from the damaged cells, and capsaicin drives them through the roof. So, if you apply capsaicin to a well-spanked bottom, instead of a nice warm afterglow it will start feeling burning hot. Not only that, the skin will become very sensitive to touch, so a simple caress or the rub of underwear will now feel painfully hot. This is something similar to what happens with sunburn, another form of inflammation. The technical term for when the sensation of touch turns to pain is allodynia.<br />
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<h3 style="text-align: left;">
Is capsaicin dangerous?</h3>
By now, you are probably thinking: “do I really want to do this to my bottom?” Well, we do regularly eat capsaicin in the form of hot peppers, some people even in fairly large amounts, so if we are not concerned with putting it inside our bodies why should we be concerned with putting it on our skin? Needless to say, capsaicin makes your skin feels as it is burning, but it does not actually burn you. That is, it produces no tissue damage. Capsaicin is also sold over-the-counter as pain medication to treat arthritis, tendinitis and muscle pain. In comes in touch applicators containing a solution of up to 0.15% capsaicin.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0eHhOT7dXzDbWGFqB4bPm0KeJ2Xbyq84NLRbm_fEm7TYBtVdrVS6-ZaAPgZbSKOh9ylP_znnSzslsDBz3g-WzbF2mScxPPGLEpyVSEW5oIfZ_9GHHxamCb5a7i1YzNEQTozjhzj3nL3I/s1600/Scoville+scale.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="700" data-original-width="497" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0eHhOT7dXzDbWGFqB4bPm0KeJ2Xbyq84NLRbm_fEm7TYBtVdrVS6-ZaAPgZbSKOh9ylP_znnSzslsDBz3g-WzbF2mScxPPGLEpyVSEW5oIfZ_9GHHxamCb5a7i1YzNEQTozjhzj3nL3I/s400/Scoville+scale.jpg" width="283" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Scoville Scale of spiciness of chili peppers</td></tr>
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However, capsaicin has also been weaponized in the form of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pepper_spray">pepper sprays</a> like <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mace_(spray)">Mace</a>, which contain from 0.18% to 3% capsaicin. It acts by producing a blinding inflammation of the eyes, burning in the skin, and coughing and difficulty breathing. In people with asthma, this can be deadly. Therefore, just handling capsaicin in a scene can pose a risk for both the top and the bottom. One thing to keep in mind is that capsaicin is not soluble in water and is very soluble in the fats of the skin, so it is almost impossible to wash away. Soap will not do the trick. It is soluble in alcohol, but you cannot apply alcohol to your eyes and I would not recommend putting it in your genitals. You could use a lotion rich in fat, but do not expect a complete wash-off.<br />
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What concerns me more about using capsaicin in the scene is that over time it can actually kill or blunt those C-fibers that contain TRPV1. This may be why capsaicin is used as a pain-killer. The end result could be that you develop an iron-butt: buttocks that can endure a good amount of abuse without much pain. You need to decide if this is something you want.<br />
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<h3 style="text-align: left;">
How to use capsaicin in the scene</h3>
You have a choice between using hot peppers or a capsaicin solution that you buy at the pharmacy (0.025% is a good dose if you want to start easy). Capsaicin solutions are easier to handle. Peppers are more natural, sexier and artsy. Personally, I prefer the peppers, so I will give instructions for their use, which can be easily adapted for capsaicin solutions.<br />
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What you need: a knife, a cutting board, disposable plastic gloves, cleaning wipes and paper towels. And, of course, chili peppers. I recommend green jalapeños, chile de árbol, or similar. Watch out for Thai peppers or habaneros, they are too hot!<br />
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Give the bottom a nice spanking on the bare buttocks. Keep in mind that the intensity of the burning sensation will depend as much on the strength of the spanking as the amount of capsaicin. Since the dose of capsaicin is difficult to adjust, especially if you use hot peppers, it is better to pay attention to the spanking. Which means, keep it light. In your first try don’t go beyond a nice uniform pink color on the butt. A five to ten minute spanking with medium intensity should be enough.<br />
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Put on the gloves. Using the knife and the cutting board, cut the peppers lengthwise. Get rid of the seeds, which have the larger amount of capsaicin and tend to get everywhere. Then, using your gloved hands, gently rub the peppers over the pink part of the skin. If you want to do this scientifically, you could use one buttock as the test (it gets the peppers) and the other as the control (no pepper). Be careful not to come close to the anus or the genitals (although the effect of capsaicin there is not as bad as you may expect, in my experience). Wait a couple of minutes, then use the cleaning wipes and paper towels to eliminate the remaining of the pepper juice from the skin. Leave your bottom to roast while you put away everything. Wear gloves throughout the process and wash your hands afterward, for good measure. But remember: anything that touches those buttocks may get capsaicin on it. Capsaicin has a nasty tendency to travel from the butt to your hands, and from there to your eyes.<br />
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<h3 style="text-align: left;">
The results</h3>
The bottom will become increasingly hot after five minutes or so. If the treatment is mild (light spanking, low dose of capsaicin), it will feel like an enhanced afterglow. With a strong treatment (hard spanking, lots of capsaicin), it will be definitely painful. The effects can last as long as 24 hours, peaking around 1-2 hours and then gradually decreasing. The worst (or best) part is the sensitivity to touch (allodynia), with some delightfully humiliating consequences. You can make the bottom feels being spanked just by putting a hand on the buns. Sitting may be extremely uncomfortable or impossible. So it will be wearing pants or underwear, a loosely-fitting skirt is advisable. All of this will probably turn-on your subject, making her excited and horny. You should plan for a sub-space lasting many hours and take advantage of all the wonderful side effects. For example, fucking her doggy-style will add a jolt of searing pain at the end of every thrust. (I have tried to keep all this gender-neutral; of course, a man can also be fucked doggie-style).<br />
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Let me emphasize that this is a one-way journey. Once the capsaicin has been applied, it is futile to try to wash it off. If the effects are too strong to endure, have her lay on her stomach and cool her bottom with a bag of ice. Aloe or other soothing lotion may help, but keep in mind that every time you touch those burning buns to apply it, it is going to hurt. Better to stay with her in the scene and enjoy the ride.<br />
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Hermes Solenzolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01692919473562622263noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2989381952921725577.post-22268766923682185172019-02-17T17:46:00.000-08:002019-02-17T17:46:29.458-08:00Why choking is not safe<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
If you are into choking, the bad news is that this is the least safe BDSM activity, it is responsible for the most numbers of death. The good news is that most of those deaths occur when people do it alone. Still, even if you do it as a couple, I strongly advise against it.<br />
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Choking, breath play or, more technically, erotic asphyxiation or <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erotic_asphyxiation">asphyxiophilia</a>, is used to refer to two very different types of actions. The first involves cutting the air supply to the lungs by choking or blocking the nose and the mouth. The second involves cutting blow flow to the brain, which is usually done by pressing on the carotid arteries. Spoiler alert: the second is much more dangerous than the first.<br />
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<h3 style="text-align: left;">
Choking</h3>
Straightforward choking, what we see in movies and TV, consists in pressing the neck to constrict the windpipe (<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trachea">trachea</a>) to keep air from reaching the lungs. The trachea is a very delicate structure made of cartilage, a tissue similar to bone that also makes our joints. This makes the trachea semi-rigid, so applying pressure on it can deform it permanently. Around the trachea are also the vocal cords and the esophagus. Therefore, this form of choking can produce long-term damage affecting breathing, talking and swallowing. It should never be done, unless it is just fake choking not involving any real pressure on the neck and that does not block breathing.<br />
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Of course, it is possible to interrupt the breathing of a bottom partner by other means. One popular one consists of sticking a cock deep into her mouth and then pinching the nose. This has the additional advantage of giving pleasure to the cock-owner and eliciting some interesting gagging reactions in the bottom. However, one thing I don’t understand is why in this type of situation the top is not concerned about having his cock bitten. Sure, any well-behaved submissive will never bite the cock that feeds her, but the body will do all kinds of weird stuff in a life-or-death situation. And breathing is our most basic drive. <br />
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OK, so we rule the cock as an instrument of asphyxiation, but there are still many other ways to stop a person from breathing, like putting a pillow or a bag over his nose and mouth. And, yes, this is safer than any of the other possibilities that I am examining. The body as a whole can store a good amount of oxygen. There are three main reservoirs: the air still present in your lungs, the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hemoglobin">hemoglobin </a>in red blood cells and myoglobin in the muscles. <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myoglobin">Myoglobin </a>is a protein similar to hemoglobin that is also able to bind oxygen. Cetaceans (whales and dolphins) have large amounts of myoglobin in their muscles that help them hold their breath for long periods of time. Free-divers learn to take advantage of these three reservoirs by different techniques to hold their breath underwater. I can comfortably free-dive for close to one minute, even while moving a lot. I once held my breath for 4 minutes, out of the water and relaxing. The <a href="https://www.outsideonline.com/1784106/how-long-can-humans-hold-their-breath">world record in breath-holding</a> is 22 minutes and 22 seconds, after hyperventilating in pure oxygen. But don’t get any ideas. As I said, this is done by trained people able to slow down their heartbeat and using sophisticated techniques to store as much oxygen in their bodies as possible. Importantly, the “air starving” drive that makes you want to breathe is not triggered by the lack of oxygen in your blood but by an excess of CO2. This can lead to dangerous situations (common in free-diving) in which you don’t feel like you need to breathe but are actually about to lose consciousness because there is not enough oxygen reaching your brain. So, if you want to engage in other types of breath play involving hyperventilating and then holding your breath (as I did as a teenager), you may want to learn a thing or two about the physiology involved.<br />
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Because of all this, even if asphyxiated to the point of loss of consciousness, most people will resume breathing and regain consciousness without any major consequences. However, this is only when said loss of consciousness doesn’t last more than a few seconds. Any longer than that and you risk having to perform CPR on a person who is unconscious and does not breathe on his own, as it happens with most drowning victims. After all, the centers that control breathing are themselves in the brain, so if the brain is not working they may stop functioning as well. And if the breath is stopped for several minutes there is a real possibility of brain damage.<br />
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<h3 style="text-align: left;">
Carotid occlusion</h3>
The <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common_carotid_artery">carotid arteries</a> form the main supply of blood to the brain. They run quite superficially on both sides of the neck. Cutting them, as we see in <i>Games of Thrones</i> and other gory TV series, will irreversibly lead to death in a matter of seconds. To stay conscious and alive the brain needs a continuous supply of oxygen and glucose from the blood. Neurons are the most finicky cells of the body: if they don’t get their oxygen they immediately throw a temper tantrum and die. Temper tantrum is quite an appropriate figure of speech because a neuron that is starving for oxygen will begin firing a lot of action potentials and releasing its neurotransmitters. The main excitatory neurotransmitter in the brain is the amino acid glutamate, which is also an abundant metabolite. When a neuron dies all of its glutamate is released into its surrounding medium, activating glutamate receptors in its nearby neurons. Too much activation of these glutamate receptors can kill those neurons, too, setting off a chain reaction that produces a wave of cell death spreading through the brain. This is what produces most of the brain damage during a stroke, which happens when a capillary inside the brain is blocked by a blood clot. So, why doesn’t this “wave of death” eventually kill the whole brain? Because there are cells in the brain (astrocytes, microglia and epithelial cells in the capillaries) that are in charge of preventing damage by absorbing glutamate and other neurotoxic substances. Still, considerable harm can be done before these cells manage to bring the situation under control. And, once neurons die, it is almost impossible to replace them.<br />
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What does all this have to do with choking? When you block the carotids to induce loss of consciousness and increase pleasure, you are starving neurons of oxygen and may be killing some of them. Keep in mind that you could have a substantial loss of neurons in your brain and not notice anything, because we are not conscious of most of what goes on in our brain. This happens to victims of concussion, who may suffer considerable brain damage without knowing it. The point is: you don’t know what is actually going on in your brain when you drive it close to unconsciousness, just because it is so much fun! Neurons could be dying while you party.<br />
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Let me explain why carotid occlusion is much more dangerous than other forms of asphyxiation. The key fact is that when you hold your breath, or when somebody blocks your breathing, there is a big reservoir of oxygen your body can use to stay alive. However, your brain does not have a similar store of oxygen. When you block the carotids, that’s it, your brain starts to run out of oxygen right away. That’s why people die much faster when their necks are cut than when they are strangled. There may be other complications of carotid occlusion, like cholesterol plaques being released from inside the carotids to cause strokes in the brain. But, even if you think you had a safe experience, there may be brain damage that you did not notice. As it happens with concussions (traumatic brain injury), injuries accumulate over time until all of a sudden the symptoms manifest themselves. And then is too damn late to do anything about it.<br />
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Hermes Solenzolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01692919473562622263noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2989381952921725577.post-35359850313484740612018-07-07T18:40:00.000-07:002018-07-07T18:40:00.254-07:00Sub Spaces<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
There is a lot of interest in the BDSM community on the “sub space”, a blissful state that it is said to be achieved through the use of skillful techniques of impact play, or rope play, or perhaps through masterful Dominance and unwavering submission. It is also assumed that sub space is mediated through the release of endorphins. In the past, I have pointed out that some of these beliefs are <a href="https://sexsciencespirit.blogspot.com/2014/01/endorphins-and-adrenaline-what-science.html">supported more by myths than by actual scientific evidence</a>. Still, it is undeniable that bottoms and submissives achieve some remarkable <a href="https://sexsciencespirit.blogspot.com/2014/11/altered-states-of-consciousness-in-bdsm.html">altered states of consciousness</a>, often followed by negative emotional states called “sub drop”. I would like to propose here that there is not just one sub space but several ones with distinctive, sometimes even opposing, characteristics. It is important to emphasize, however, that there is almost no scientific research done on masochists, and very little on the endorphin high and other altered states of consciousness produced by extreme exercise or pain. Therefore, what I am going to say here is highly speculative. It is based on my knowledge of pain neurophysiology and by drawing parallels between the effects of drugs and observations of the behavior of bottoms and submissives during scenes. I propose that there are at least three different states that can be considered “sub states”. I will point out their similarities with emotional states and with the effects of some drugs.<br />
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<b>Adrenergic sub space.</b> The most natural response to pain is the fight/flight response. In it, there is an activation of the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis that leads to a large release of adrenaline from the adrenal glands into the blood. This increases the heart rate, switches blood circulation from the viscera to the periphery, and promotes muscular activity. At the same time, inside the central nervous system there is a parallel activation of pathways that use noradrenaline as a neurotransmitter. Among them is a pathway that projects from the adrenergic nuclei of the brain stem (locus coeruleus, A5 and A7) to the spinal cord, where it intersects inhibit incoming pain signals in the peripheral nerves producing analgesia. Other noradrenergic projections go to the cerebral cortex, activating it and increasing alertness. In practice, when the bottom goes into this state she screams, struggles, stomps and laughs, while her pain thresholds go up. This sub state is characterized by analgesia, mild euphoria and high interaction with the Top. It is important to note that while the fight/flight response is considered a stress reaction, this is not necessarily bad. Some forms of stress (called ‘eustress’) are healthy and sought by many people in the form of roller-coasters, scary movies and exciting sports. I consider BDSM a form of eustress. A certain amount of eustress may be necessary for good health and can counter the nefarious effects of distress (bad stress). The adrenergic sub space is similar to the effect of stimulant drugs like cocaine and amphetamines, which act by increasing the availability of noradrenaline and dopamine at some key brain areas.<br />
<br />
<b>Endorphin sub space.</b> This sub space also produces analgesia, but in almost all other aspects is the opposite of the adrenergic sub space. In it, the heart rate goes down, and activity and alertness decrease. The relevant release of endorphins takes place not into the blood but in some brain areas. The pain inhibition is driven by a pathway connecting the periaqueductal gray area in the middle of the brain with the nucleus raphe in the brain stem and then down to the spinal cord to block incoming pain signals. There are reciprocal inhibitory connections in the brain stem between the nucleus raphe and the noradrenergic nuclei (coeruleus, A5 and A7), so that when the endorphin system gets activated the adrenergic system gets inhibited, and the converse. This is because, while the adrenergic system mediates fight/flight, the endorphin system is related to freezing behavior, in which the animal becomes immobile in order to avoid been detected by a predator. Repeated freezing behavior and certain patterns of endorphin release have been shown to lead to learned helplessness, a dysfunctional state that decreases learning, reduces immune activity and produces several other negative responses. Therefore, endorphin release is far from being the panacea that it is cracked up to be. This is not to say that that endorphin release is bad. However, a when a bottom continuously goes into this state, the long-term effects may not be good. In practice, a bottom in the endorphin sub space becomes dreamy, in an emotional mist, stops screaming and struggling, and is less alert of his surroundings. He will respond to questioning by pleading for the beating to go on - what some people call the “forever place”. The endorphin sub space is similar to the effect of opiate drugs like morphine or heroin because endorphins activate the same receptors as these drugs, the mu and delta opioid receptors. Endorphins also produce the release of dopamine in the nucleus accumbens, which is at the end of what is called “the pleasure pathway” that mediates motivation and is activated by addictive drugs.<br />
<br />
<b>Serotonin sub space.</b> This the sub space that is properly-named as such because, while the adrenergic and endorphin sub spaces are produced by pain and other sadomasochistic types of stimulation, this sub space is induced by the Dominance/submission (D/s) interaction even in the absence of pain. <a href="https://sexsciencespirit.blogspot.com/2014/06/the-seven-elements-of-submission.html">Surrender, obedience, service, mind-fucking</a> and other strong intimate interactions with the Dominant likely lead to the release in the brain of <a href="https://sexsciencespirit.blogspot.com/2014/02/oxytocin-monogamy-and-altruistic.html">oxytocin and vasopressin</a>, neuropeptides that mediate bonding. The similarity of this state with that produced by the drug MDMA (ecstasy), which also increases bonding, intimacy and affection, makes me suspect that this sub space is predominantly driven by serotonin release in the brain. Serotonin produces positive mood and counters depression. However, it produces mixed effects on pain because some serotonin receptors in the spinal cord increase while other decrease pain. The same goes for dopamine, which can increase or decrease pain depending on the emotional state of the individual.<br />
<br />
Whereas the adrenergic and endorphin sub spaces are incompatible, it is quite possible that the serotonin sub space can combine with them to produce mixed effects. It is also clear that the noradrenergic, dopaminergic and serotonergic neurotransmitter systems vary a lot between individuals. That is why it is so difficult to fine-tune antidepressant drugs to each person. Therefore, sub space is going to vary a lot from individual to individual. A flogging technique that is blissful to one bottom may be hellish to another. An accomplished Top is not one who has perfected techniques so that they are going to work with anybody, but one who has learned to accurately read the body language of the bottom and knows how to adjust the scene accordingly.<br />
<br />
Let me finish by addressing the issue of sub drop. There are at least two types of sub drop: one that happens right after a scene and another that occurs about two days afterward. The first one is likely the coming down from the fight/flight adrenergic reaction. After a strong activation of the sympathetic system (the one that releases adrenaline into the blood), the parasympathetic system kicks in, decreasing the heart rate and cutting blood circulation to the periphery. The result is that the bottom feels cold, tired and emotionally exhausted. A blanket, lots of cuddles and emotional support are the best solution. The second sub drop is similar to the one produced by MDMA and may be the result of the serotonergic or even the endorphin sub space. It is much harder to address, because the scene is long over and the Top may not be available for emotional support. It may even last several days. The only way to address it is to be ready for it and have some kind of emotional support system (friends, chocolate, a good movie, etc.) in place.<br />
<br />
The take-home message is that things in the scene are not as simple as going into sub space and come out of it a happier person. The human brain is something incredibly complicated that we are just beginning to understand. By inflicting lots of pain, or messing with strong emotions like shame, guilt and submission, we are giving our minds some extreme challenges. It is hard to predict what is going to happen. The best course of action is to go slowly, pay a lot of attention to your body, and find the path that is best for you.<br />
<br /></div>
Hermes Solenzolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01692919473562622263noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2989381952921725577.post-35029460492042899312018-06-23T13:13:00.000-07:002018-06-23T21:53:31.655-07:00The octopus fisherman<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<i>[Trigger Warning: Childhood sexual abuse]</i><br />
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I woke up earlier than usual. Little sunbeams filtered through tiny cracks in the blinds, announcing a beautiful summer day. I slid down from my top bunk and, not wanting to wake up my brothers, dressed up quietly. Just my swimsuit, a T-shirt and beach slippers.<br />
<br />
I was thirteen.<br />
<br />
The sun was still low over the pine trees. The bay was calm, an incipient breeze changing its color from silver to deep blue. It was going to be a hot day. Nobody was up yet, so I decided to go for a stroll.<br />
<br />
I wandered through fields of cabbage and corn till I came to the rocks on the shore. Not far on the water, in his wooden boat brightly painted white, brown and blue, was the octopus fisherman.<br />
Octopus is a delicacy in Galicia, sort of a national dish. It is served boiled on thick wooden plates, seasoned with olive oil, coarse salt and spicy paprika. I loved to eat it but was also fascinated by the animal itself. I had learned to catch it. With my mask, snorkel and fins, I would swim over the sandy bottom looking for odd objects: an old rubber boot, a pot, a tire. Then I would dive down and check inside for octopus. More often than not I would find one, which then I would wrestle to the shore, kill and proudly present it to my mother to cook for lunch.<br />
<br />
The old fisherman used completely different methods to catch octopus. He would never get in the water; like most Galician fishermen, he probably didn’t even know how to swim. He carried long poles with a hook at the end. When he spotted an octopus in the bottom he would quickly get one on his poles, hook the octopus and haul it into his boat. Sometimes the octopus would get into a crack in the rocks and stubbornly held to it with all the considerable strength of its tentacles and suction cups. Then a fight would ensue, the fisherman pulling with his pole this way and that and the octopus holding on for dear life.<br />
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* * *</div>
<br />
One day I witnessed one of these struggles while lying lazily on a towel on the beach. The fisherman fought for over half an hour and still couldn’t get the octopus. I grabbed my mask, snorkel and fin and got in the water, wanting to take a closer look at the struggle. There was a large rock on the bottom and the hook of the fisherman’s pole keep going under it. There must be an octopus under there. I asked him if he needed help, but he just muttered something incomprehensible in Galician. Finally, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I took a deep breath and dove toward the rock. Bracing with my knees on the bottom it was a simple matter for me to turn over the rock. The octopus came out and took off swimming at full speed, opening and closing its tentacles, looking like a little ghost. I went back to the surface for air. “Now I’ve done it!” I thought, “I have lost this poor fisherman his catch.” Desperately, I swam on the surface following the octopus, which was heading for deep water. I dove again. If the octopus were as smart as some people think it is, it would have just keep on swimming and I would have not been able to catch it. Instead, it opened its tentacles on the bottom and waited for me. I grabbed it and head back to the surface. It was a big one. It wrapped its tentacles around my arm all the way to my neck, pulling hard to slide between my fingers. I knew it just wanted to get away, but I started to get scared. Then I looked up and saw the fisherman in his boat. He grabbed the octopus and peeled it off me.<br />
<br />
“I’m glad I could get that octopus for you,” I told him after I climbed into his boat.<br />
<br />
“That’s your octopus, not mine,” he said. “Take it home and ask your mom to cook it.”<br />
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<br />
I used to ride with the octopus fisherman in his boat, watching him peer into the water to see an octopus where I could see just rocks. Another way he had to catch his prey was to drag a line to which he had attached a small rock with a crab and hooks tied on top. The octopus would try to get the crab and get hooked. He taught me the names of all the beaches in the bay and a lot of things about the sea. At the end of the morning, he would pull his boat to the beach and the beachgoers would gather around and bid for his catch.<br />
<br />
So when that morning he called me and rowed his boat backward to the rocks to let me in, I didn’t think twice. I went and sat of the prow as he rowed back out on the bay.<br />
<br />
I was starting to ask something about octopus when something really weird happened. The fisherman pulled the oars in and came to where I was. Then he started touching me over my skimpy swimsuit. I couldn’t believe what was happening.<br />
<br />
“What are you doing?” I said.<br />
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“Whoa, you have a big one!” he said.<br />
<br />
That was completely ridiculous. I haven’t reached puberty yet, I had the penis of a child. It didn’t even care if it was big or small.<br />
<br />
“Do you want to touch mine?”<br />
<br />
I couldn’t imagine anything more repulsive than to touch that old man’s cock.<br />
<br />
“No! Stop! Leave me alone!”<br />
<br />
“Do you want to go to shore?” He said in Galician. But he wouldn’t stop touching me.<br />
Go to shore and do what? Go to a hiding place so he could continue touching me? Anybody looking out from the beach could have seen us. But there was nobody.<br />
<br />
“Stop! Stop, or I’ll jump in the water!”<br />
<br />
He took a step back, considering what I had said. Then he started again.<br />
<br />
I quickly took off my T-shirt and my slippers and dove head first in the sea. The water was cold. I come to the surface and looked at him. He could row his boat much faster than I could swim. Would he fish me out of the water like I was an octopus? But he just stood there, looking at me with apparent indifference. I swam in a perfect crawl straight to the beach.<br />
<br />
I wanted to slip quietly back into my room and change, but my mother saw me walking in, barefoot and wet.<br />
<br />
“You have been swimming already?”<br />
<br />
“Yeah, the water is nice,” I muttered and went upstairs.<br />
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* * *</div>
<br />
What was that old man thinking? How could he dare? He was just a poor man, my father was a local authority. If I told, I could get him into a lot of trouble. He would probably wind up in jail. But I couldn’t stand the thought of that free spirit in jail. For me, he symbolized the freedom and wildness of the sea. Even what he had done to me represented that wild freedom. Those were still the dark years of the Franco dictatorship. I didn’t know anything about sex, nobody had told me. Obscure desires had started to awaken inside me, like the strange excitement I felt when I watched my classmates getting a spanking. I didn’t understand any of that. It scared me. The priests told us something about it, but it was always unclear. It was shrouded in secrecy and sin. Perhaps the old fisherman could explain it to me, the same way that he explained the way of the octopus. But not if he was going to touch me like that again.<br />
<br />
It slowly dawned on me that I could never ride in the old fisherman’s boat again.<br />
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* * *</div>
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<br /></div>
Later on that day I saw the fisherman pulling his boat on the beach. He had a system to pull his boat out over the tide line. He lay the oars over the sand, then put a round log across them. Then he rolled the boat over the oars using the round log as a wheel. He repeated the process until the boat was on the white dry sand. Some beachgoers always helped him, although he was perfectly capable to do it on his own.<br />
<br />
While the bid over the catch started, I quietly grabbed my slippers and T-shirt from the boat and walked away.<br />
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* * *</div>
<br />
He must have done other boys. One day, I was walking on a beach that could only be reached by hiking through thorny gorse and blackberry bushes, or from the sea. Then I saw him, walking out of a shack with a teenage boy. I pretended that I didn’t see them.<br />
<br />
The locals never talked much about him. He had no wife, no children, no family that I knew of. He seemed content and self-sufficient. He looked as old as the world, with his short white hair and his wrinkly face, but there was no way to know how old he really was. Perhaps he didn’t know himself. I saw him once dancing at a local fiesta, alone. He jumped and pranced with a vitality and abandon that I almost envied.<br />
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* * *</div>
<br />
I may have been already in college when I heard that the octopus fisherman was dying. Stomach cancer, they said. I made discreet inquiries and found the way to his place. It was an old stone house surrounded by an unkempt garden, but there were peach trees and fig trees and plum trees, the fruit still green in the early summer days. I knocked on the door, called, then walked in.<br />
<br />
The inside of the house was just a large single room, with a high ceiling, a wooden floor and walls of naked granite. There was a large bed in the middle. The old fisherman was laying on it, his belly swollen.<br />
<br />
I sat by him and asked him how he was. He knew he was dying. I asked him if he was afraid of death. He said he was afraid of the pain. We must have said other things, but that’s all I remember. I’m pretty sure I didn’t mention the incident in the boat.<br />
<br />
A few days later my father told that the octopus fisherman had died. He asked me if I wanted to go to his funeral. I said no. I had already said my goodbyes to the old man.<br />
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Hermes Solenzolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01692919473562622263noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2989381952921725577.post-20472701845260303282016-04-03T17:54:00.002-07:002016-04-07T12:06:38.626-07:00Hi-Tech Sex<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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© Hermes Solenzol, 2016</div>
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“¡Honey, I’m ho-ome!”<br />
<br />
Michel let out the customary American husband greeting complete with its appropriate singsong tone when he stepped into his Beverly Hills mansion. Ashley loved his little game of pretending to be the husband in a TV program that she watched as a child. He announced his arrival and she ran to greet him with a welcome kiss at the door.<br />
<br />
But not today, apparently. The only one to appear was Kurby, who proceeded to dance crazily around him and to put his front paws on his suit.<br />
<br />
Where the heck was Ashley? Michel climbed the stairs to the bedroom followed closely by Kurby, who kept jumping all around him despite his efforts to ignore him. A wave of heat struck him when he opened the bedroom door. The fireplace was on and there were candles everywhere: on the chest of drawers, on the bedside tables, over the closet and, dangerously, on top of the 48-inch flat screen TV. Michel threw his jacket on the bed and looked for the remote to turn off the fireplace. He blew out the candles over the TV and put them on the chest of drawers.<br />
<br />
“What are you doing, honey?”<br />
<br />
Ashley came out of the bathroom wearing a pink night gown and her favorite slippers: fluffy bunnies complete with glass eyes and long ears. She was petite, with dangerous curves, short blond hair and sparkling blue eyes.<br />
<br />
“Hey! Don’t turn off the candles!” she protested.<br />
<br />
“Only these ones, <i>chérie</i>… They are going to get wax inside the TV, don’t you see?”<br />
<br />
“And the fire! Why have you turned off the fireplace?”<br />
<br />
“It’s too hot.”<br />
<br />
“But it’s November! Next week is Thanksgiving and Christmas is just around the corner. What’s wrong with turning on the fireplace in the Fall?”<br />
<br />
“Yeah, it’s Fall all right, but the Santa Anas are blowing. Have you been outside? It’s steaming hot!”<br />
<br />
“I was just trying to create a nice ambiance for you… And then you come and spoil everything!” she whined.<br />
<br />
Michel put his arm around her waist and brought her close to him.<br />
<br />
“Oh, <i>chérie</i>, I really appreciate it! Does this mean that you have forgiven and we are going to make love again?”<br />
<br />
“Yes, but…”<br />
<br />
Michel didn’t let her finish. He pushed her to the bed until she fell on her back on it. He lifted up the pink night gown to uncover her perfect thighs and her pretty purple lace panties.<br />
<br />
“Stop, Michel… Stop! … We need to talk first.”<br />
<br />
Michel stopped and looked into her eyes.<br />
<br />
“Yes, <i>chérie</i>?<br />
<br />
Ashley sat up and patted the bed to make him sit beside her. Kurby, who had been running nervously around the room, took advantage of the opportunity to hump her leg. Michel tried to get him off her, but Kurby scared him off by fainting a bite and continued his task.<br />
<br />
“Oh, that darned dog!”<br />
<br />
“Don’t say that, Michel. He’s very affectionate, that’s all.”<br />
<br />
“But, <i>chérie</i>, you can’t let him do that. It’s obscene! Didn’t we agree that you were going to take him to have him fixed?”<br />
<br />
“Yeah, but this morning Tiffany gave me a better idea, so I took him to see Amanda.”<br />
<br />
Without stopping his humping, Kurby insinuated his snout under Ashley’s night gown. That was too much, even for her. She peeled him off her leg, took him to the bedroom door and threw him out.<br />
<br />
“And who the heck is Amanda?”<br />
<br />
“She is a psychic animal psychologist who is able to make direct contact with the mind of pets. Many movie stars go to see her.”<br />
<br />
“¡Oh, la-la, la-la, la-la! And did Amanda get in contact with the mind of Kurby?”<br />
<br />
“Yes… Well, not exactly… She got his horoscope and read his cards. She saw that, indeed, Kurby has a strong sexual compulsion. The cards showed that it’s a serious problem that can cause him an untimely death. So we can’t have him fixed. That would kill him.”<br />
<br />
“But then what are we going to do? You aren’t planning to…?”<br />
<br />
“Of course not, Michel! We’ll have to get him some bitches to keep him satisfied.”<br />
<br />
“Breed him, you mean? But who is going to want pups from Kurby? He isn’t even pure breed.”<br />
<br />
“Of course he is! Kurby is a cockapoo, a design dog, one hundred per cent poodle and one hundred per cent Cocker Spaniel. My mother paid a small fortune for him.<br />
<br />
“Ashley, a dog can’t be a hundred per cent one thing and a hundred per cent another…”<br />
<br />
Ashley gave him that skeptical look that he knew so well. It was impossible to argue math with her.<br />
<br />
“OK, let’s leave Kurby alone for the time being. What about us?”<br />
<br />
“Of, yes, us… I also talked to Amanda about that.”<br />
<br />
“With Amanda? But wasn’t she an animal psychologist?”<br />
<br />
“She’s a people psychologist as well… Quite good, in fact. Since she is clairvoyant, she understands immediately what’s going on. I talked with her for almost two hours.”<br />
<br />
“You didn’t tell her…”<br />
<br />
“About Brittany? Of course I told her about Brittany! That’s the key issue, isn’t it?”<br />
<br />
“But <i>chérie</i>, I’ve asked you to forgive me a thousand times. I haven’t seen Brittany for months!”<br />
<br />
“Of course you don’t see her! She dumped you, didn’t she? Do you think I don’t know? Tiffany is a good friend of one of her best friends. She dumped you because you didn’t do the cunnilingus right. She seduced you because she thought that, being French, you’d be good at it. The slut!”<br />
<br />
“Well, what did Amanda say? Did she tell you to make love with me? Because I imagine there has to be a reason for this”, he gestured to the candles burning all over the place.<br />
<br />
“Yeah, that… You aren’t letting me explain, Michel… She said that I was right in trusting my intuition and not allow you to penetrate me, because the key of the problem is that we have a relationship that is too coitocentric… That’s the word she used: “coitocentric”. It means that penetration is a way for you to express your aggression and your will to dominate me. But that desire that you men feel to dominate is impossible to satisfy. You become addicted to it. You want more and more, so you need other women to…”<br />
<br />
“But that’s not true, <i>chérie</i>! Making love is not expressing my desire to dominate, or my aggression, but the love I feel for you… Brittany was just a mistake. I let temptation get the best of me. It happens to a lot of people, but it won’t happen again, I swear. I love only you! You are the love of my life!”<br />
<br />
“Then, if that’s true, you’ll have to respect my feelings about it… You’ll have to help me heal this wound.”<br />
<br />
“And what do I have to do?”<br />
<br />
Ashley gave him one of her most charming smiles, her eyes shining with excitement.<br />
<br />
“Amanda had the most wonderful idea! You’ll see, let me show you…”<br />
<br />
Ashley went to the chest of drawers and came back with two white cardboard boxes. She sat back on the bed with one of them on her knee. On the box was a picture of what looked like a sophisticated vibrator .<br />
<br />
“A vibrator?”<br />
<br />
“Yes. From now on we are going to practice hi-tech sex, healthy and clean. No more penetrations… Which, you have to agree, are quite disgusting, with all that yucky mucus and secretions.”<br />
<br />
“<i>¡Mais tu es devenue complètement folle!</i>”<br />
<br />
“Don’t talk to me in French, Michel. You know that I don’t understand it. Speak in English, we are in America.”<br />
<br />
“<i>Mais, chérie, </i>you always said that my accent is what you like the most about me… and that is very romantic when I talk to you in French.”<br />
<br />
“Yeah, but not now, Michel. We are talking about something serious and I need to understand what you say.”<br />
<br />
“Well, I just said that you have gone completely nuts. How are we going to make love with a vibrator? That’s completely artificial, fake, inhuman… How can you compare that with the intimacy of body to body contact, feeling our muscles tense and relax, being inside each other… All those mucus and secretions you mentioned are not disgusting, they are natural…”<br />
<br />
“Oh, yeah? Who would have known, seeing how you react when you do that cunnilingus thing!”<br />
<br />
“That was just that one time, <i>chérie</i>… I’ve explained it to you a thousand times. It was just that dinner didn’t seat to well with me.”<br />
<br />
“Is that what you tell Brittany?”<br />
<br />
Michel sighed.<br />
<br />
“Why can’t we have a decent conversation without you bringing up Brittany?”<br />
<br />
“That’s what I’m trying to do, but you are not listening. You said I was crazy without even letting me explain what this things does.”<br />
<br />
“All right! What does it do?”<br />
<br />
“It’s not just a vibrator, Michel, it’s much more sophisticated than that. It’s called the iCum and it’s able to unleash the most powerful orgasms.<br />
<br />
“Really? How?”<br />
<br />
“Oh, Michel, don’t ask me to explain how it works, you know how bad I am about technology! Amanda explained it to me with all sort of detail, but I can’t remember a thing. Look, here it explains everything…”<br />
<br />
Ashley opened the box and brought out a thick instruction book. Michel browsed through it. It was so thick because it contained information in over a dozen different languages. The instructions in English were just four pages:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">You are holding in your hand a technological marvel that will bring about a new Sexual Revolution! The iCum-F is the key to expand your sexual capacity beyond your wildest dreams! Don’t let appearances fool you, the iCum-F is not a simple vibrator! It is an instrument combining sophisticated sensors to measure your level of clitoral arousal with a whole gamut of stimulators able to recruit all and each one of the nerve fibers of the feminine sexual organ. Of course, the iCum-F is able to reproduce any type of vibration known to date. But there is much, much more! Or team of scientists discovered that mechanical vibration is not the most effective way to stimulate the clitoris. The real key to pleasure is electrical stimulation, which the iCum can modulate in both frequency and intensity to bring you to ecstasy. At the same time that it stimulates your nerve fibers, the iCum-F measures the impedance of the clitoral mucosa to assess your degree of arousal. In that function it is assisted by a laser pulse-oximeter able to measure at the same time your heart beat, blood oxygen, blood flow and arterial pressure. All this gets integrated in the brain of the iCum-F, a tiny computer that…</span></blockquote>
“Are you planning to spend the entire evening reading that?”<br />
<br />
“No, no, of course!” said Michel closing the booklet. “You are right: it’s much more advanced than a simple vibrator.”<br />
<br />
“See? You don’t trust me. Sometimes I feel like you think I’m dumb.”<br />
<br />
“Please don’t say that, <i>chérie</i>! How could I think that of you! What’s in the other box?”<br />
<br />
Ashely gave him a mischievous smile.<br />
<br />
“The other box is for you, Michel. You wouldn’t think that I only cared about my own pleasure, would you?”<br />
<br />
Ashely opened the other box and brought out a cylinder larger than the iCum-F.<br />
<br />
“This is the iCum-M, for men. See? You put your ding-a-ling through this opening over here. At the end there is a device that stimulates the gland pretty much the same way that the iCum-F stimulates the clit. But there are a bunch of other things… Amanda explained them to me, but right now I can remember all the details.”<br />
<br />
“Well, let’s take a look…”<br />
<br />
Michel found the instruction booklet and started to read it.<br />
<br />
“Hey, don’t start reading again!” said Ashley grabbing the manual from him. “Where do you think we are, in a library?”<br />
<br />
“But we have to find out how this works,” protested Michel turning the iCum-M in his hands. “Can we open it? Because if I cum inside it would need to be cleaned, right?”<br />
<br />
“Oh yes, that I can explain… See? That’s why we have these…”<br />
<br />
Ashley took a plastic bag out of the iCum-M box. She open it and extracted a rubber disk from it.<br />
<br />
“These are disposable inserts for your iCum-M, made of natural rubber. When you use it, you throw it away and the next time you put in a new one.”<br />
<br />
“I see… disposable vaginas,” he said laughing at his own joke.<br />
<br />
“Don’t be silly! As you can see, it’s quite an hygienic system. No more changing the sheets after making love.”<br />
<br />
“And how much did you pay for these toys?”<br />
<br />
“Nine hundred and ninety nine dollars… Plus taxes, of course.”<br />
<br />
“Jesus! Both?”<br />
<br />
“No, each one… Come on, Michel, you’re the one who always says that money doesn’t matter! What can be more important than our sex life?”<br />
<br />
“But this is not about our sex life. These thingies are just to masturbate, which is different.”<br />
<br />
“No, they are not for masturbating, they are for making love. Because you wouldn’t use your iCum when you are not with me, would you?”<br />
<br />
The way Ashley was frowning, there was only one possible answer.<br />
<br />
‘Of course not… But, <i>chérie</i>, even if we use the iCums at the same time, that wouldn’t be the same thing as making love…”<br />
<br />
Ashley threw him on the bed and got on top of him, playfully.<br />
<br />
“I know what you want, you dummy! You will be able to touch me everywhere: my ass, my tits, whatever you want… But instead of putting your cock inside me, you put it inside the iCum. It will treat it right, you’ll see.”<br />
<br />
“That doesn’t sound very romantic…”<br />
<br />
Ashley kissed him in the lips furiously.<br />
<br />
“Come on! Don’t be so negative! Let’s try…”<br />
<br />
After a frustrating delay because of some difficulties with putting the vagina insert in the iCum-M, they finally got it going. Michel started manhandling Ashley but, when she saw that he wasn’t going to take the lead, she pulled down her panties and rushed to apply her iCum-F to her clit. Michel just laid there, looking at her expression of ecstasy without knowing what to do. Finally, he grabbed his iCum-M, lubricated it and gingerly put his penis inside.<br />
<br />
The device clamped around his cock like a vise, starting undulating motions up and down the shaft. It wasn’t unpleasant, just a bit threatening to feel trapped that way. But then the really good stuff got started. An exquisite electric discharge zapped his frenulum, followed by soft vibrations and delicious discharges of static. He thought that he would cum right away and again tried to take his penis out of the iCum, but the darned thing wasn’t going to let him go. Nevertheless, the intense stimulation stopped and was replaced by a soft massage up and down his shaft. Then it started all over again.<br />
<br />
“<i>¡Ah, chérie, c’est vraiment magnifique!</i>”<br />
<br />
But Ashely, lying at his side, wasn’t listening. She shook spasmodically in what looked like the most intense orgasm of her life.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
***</div>
<br />
“Honey, I’m ho-ome!”<br />
<br />
Ashley heard the singsong greeting with which Michel announced his arrival. Long ago she had grown bored with playing that stupid game of pretending to be a 50s housewife but she didn’t want to spoil it for Michel, who obviously enjoyed it so much. Luckily, there was always Kurby to welcome him home when she was busy… Like she was right now. She listened, expecting to hear the sound of paws running over the wooden floor, but there was nothing… Where was that stupid dog? I’d had to be her who greeted Michel.<br />
<br />
She left the two iCums on the bed with the bags of “vaginas”, as she and Michel had started to call them in jest. She looked at herself in the mirror to check her makeup, adjusted the strap on her nightgown over her shoulder and left the bedroom.<br />
<br />
She had been waiting for him anxiously. They had gone three days without having sex and it was starting to get to her nerves. Michel’s parents had come from Paris to spend Christmas with them and she had to take her mother-in-law, who didn’t speak a word of English, shopping in Rodeo Drive. She didn’t speak any French, either, so she had no idea on how they were going to communicate, but Michel had insisted in leaving the two of them alone because shopping was a woman thing. After some tension resulting from her failure to convey to Madame Nicole how expensive those stores in Beverly Hills could be, her own mother had offered to take her.<br />
<br />
On top of that, today, December 26, when everybody in their right mind took the day off, Michel had decided that he absolutely had to go to work.<br />
<br />
The temptation of using the iCum by herself had been almost irresistible, but she had promised Michel that she’d only use it with him. To do otherwise would be like cheating on him. Or so she had told herself, and that way she had been able to keep the darned thing in its box all day long.<br />
<br />
“Oh, darling, I missed you so much!” She screamed in his ear as she jumped on him to hug him with arms and legs. “Let’s go into the bedroom, I can’t stand it one more second!”<br />
<br />
“Ah, <i>chérie</i>, neither can I! But, please, get me a bottle of Perrier from the fridge while I change. I’m so thirsty! We have the Santa Anas again.<br />
<br />
Ashley was going upstairs with the bottle of Perrier when she heard Michel let out a bloodcurdling scream from the bedroom.<br />
<br />
“Arrrg! My vaginas! Kurby has eaten my vaginas!”<br />
<br />
When she opened the bedroom door she witnessed a devastating debacle: the bag of inserts for the iCum-M was laying on the bed, bitten into pieces. The “vaginas” were spread all over the bedroom floor. While she looked, Kurby grabbed one between his teeth. Holding the other end between his paws, he pulled until the insert tore with a loud “plop” .<br />
<br />
“Kurby, bad dog! Very bad dog! Look what you have done!”<br />
<br />
Kurby just wagged his tailed and looked back at her, excited with his new game. When she ran to him to grab him, Kurby grabbed the last intact insert between his teeth and, dodging her, ran out the door.<br />
<br />
“OK, this is it!” shouted Michel, enraged. “I want that dog out of my house! I want him gone by tomorrow!”<br />
<br />
“Calm down, Michel. You know very well that we can’t kick Kurby out. My mother is in love with him ever since she bought him for us. If we kick him out, the next day they’ll kick you out of your job.”<br />
<br />
“Oh, God! Why did I ever let your parents hire me! What are we going to do now?”<br />
<br />
Michel sat on the bed and buried his face in his hands. Ashley sat beside him and started massaging his shoulders.<br />
<br />
“Come on! Come on! Don’t worry, there’s got to be an insert that you can use.<br />
<br />
They spent the next half an hour going through the vaginas, inspecting them one by one. Kurby had been quite thorough, there wasn’t a single one left intact.<br />
<br />
“OK, don’t worry, on Monday I’ll go see Amanda and I’ll get you a new bag of inserts.”<br />
<br />
“On Monday? But today is Friday!”<br />
<br />
“It’s all I can do. Amanda goes away on weekends to her house in Palm Springs.”<br />
<br />
Michel looked dubiously at his iCum-M.<br />
<br />
“You know, maybe it can be used without an insert. It shouldn’t be too hard to clean it afterward.”<br />
<br />
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Michel…”<br />
<br />
But Michel was already taking off his pants. The moment he was naked, he jumped on her and started touching her everywhere. She became instantly aroused, not because of his clumsy caresses and squeezes, but because the moment to use her beloved iCum-F was so close at hand. Pretty soon she could wait no more. She peeled off her panties and grabbed the iCum-F from the bedside table.<br />
<br />
The first delicious pulsations starting teasing her clit. Through half-closed eyelids she saw Michel cautiously introducing his fully erected cock in his iCum-M. Exquisite electric discharges made her close her eyes. A dreadful scream from Michel made her open them again.<br />
<br />
“Arrrg! Ouch! Ayayayay! How do you stop this thing? Ashley, please, turn it off!”<br />
<br />
Michel was fighting like a madman to get his penis out of the device, which seemed equally determined not to let it go.<br />
<br />
“You can’t turn it off, it’s automatic,” she said matter-of-factly.<br />
<br />
“Then get the batteries out… Do something, for God sake!”<br />
<br />
‘It has no batteries. It gets charged through the USB, you know that… I was going to tell you that without the insert the electric discharges could get a tad too intense.”<br />
<br />
“No shit! And now you tell me? Ouch!”<br />
<br />
Luckily, his torment didn’t last too long. His poor tortured cock didn’t take long to lose its erection as a result of the harsh treatment it was receiving, and so it could break free of the vise that was trapping it.<br />
<br />
They looked at each other, not knowing what to say.<br />
<br />
“Michel, please, I can’t wait anymore…” she pleaded.<br />
<br />
His anxious look made her fear the worse. She started praying for him not to say it.<br />
<br />
“I know, <i>chérie</i>, I know… Go ahead and do it. I’ll just sit here and watch you cum. That’s pleasure enough for me.”<br />
<br />
She let out a sigh of relief and hugged him.<br />
<br />
“That’s what I expected of you, my love. You’ve always behaved like a perfect French gentleman. I love you so much!”<br />
<br />
“<i>¡Mais bien sûr, chérie!</i>”<br />
<br />
Ashely closed her eyes again and surrendered to the exquisite sensations that the iCum-F was giving her. She was so turned on! She was vaguely aware of the presence of Michel next to her, caressing her breasts, her belly, the inside of her thighs, but all of that was nothing compared to the strict discipline of pleasure that the iCum was delivering to her pussy, taking her to ever higher peaks… to let her fall from there at the last second. Vibrations and discharges ebbed to almost nothing just when she was about to reach her climax.<br />
<br />
The third time it happened she realized that something had gone terribly wrong.<br />
<br />
“What’s going on, Michel?” she moaned. “It stops just when I’m about to reach orgasm!”<br />
<br />
“I don’t know… Well, it could be that… don’t you remember? The last time we used the iCums we decided to change the mode. We set them on “edging”.<br />
<br />
“And what on Earth is “edging”?<br />
<br />
“It’s keeping you close to orgasm without letting you get all the way there.”<br />
<br />
“You’ve got to be kidding!”<br />
<br />
“No, <i>chérie</i>. You asked for it because you said that we were finishing too soon.”<br />
<br />
“You were finishing too soon, you dummy, not me! Why the fuck did you have to touch my iCum!”<br />
<br />
“Don’t worry, <i>chérie</i>, it would just take a minute to reprogram it,” he said meekly. <br />
<br />
“I’ll do it! I don’t trust you anymore!”<br />
<br />
She got out of bed, got the USB cable from the bedside table drawer and used it to plug her iCum to her laptop.<br />
<br />
“This stupid thing takes longer and longer to boot! You need to buy me a new laptop, I’ve told you a thousand times!”<br />
<br />
Michel tried to massage her shoulders. She shook him off with an angry motion.<br />
<br />
A message showed up in her screen:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
New hardware </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Looking for drivers…</div>
<br />
The window closed. A new one came up, larger and with black background.<br />
<br />
“Nooo!” she screamed in frustration.<br />
<br />
Michel squatted at her side to be able to read the screen. They both stared at the new message in disbelief:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
System update</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Please wait</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Downloading…</div>
<br />
At the bottom of the screen there was a black bar with a tiny green notch at the left. Over it, it said “1%”. After a while, the green bar grew a bit and the number changed to “2%”.<br />
<br />
Unable to move, they kept staring at the screen as the green bar continued to move at glacial speed towards 100%.<br />
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Hermes Solenzolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01692919473562622263noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2989381952921725577.post-60592726798822515842016-03-21T15:24:00.002-07:002017-09-16T12:08:01.897-07:00Endorphins do not mediate the pain reduction produced by meditation<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
For a while I have suspected that endorphins are not the only or the healthiest way in which the body decreases pain. This recent study lends support to that idea. It shows that mindfulness meditation reduces pain. However, when the subjects that were meditating were given injections of naloxone (an opioid antagonist that would block the effect of the endorphins) it did not decrease the pain reduction induced by meditation. Quite the opposite, it even increased it!<br />
<br />
<div class="cit">
<span role="menubar"><a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26985045#" role="menuitem" title="The Journal of neuroscience : the official journal of the Society for Neuroscience.">J Neurosci.</a></span> 2016 Mar 16;36(11):3391-7. doi: 10.1523/JNEUROSCI.4328-15.2016.<span style="font-size: small;"> </span></div>
<div class="cit">
<b><span style="font-size: small;">Mindfulness-Meditation-Based Pain Relief Is Not Mediated by Endogenous Opioids.</span></b></div>
<a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/?term=Zeidan%20F%5BAuthor%5D&cauthor=true&cauthor_uid=26985045"><span class="highlight">Zeidan</span> F</a><sup>1</sup>, <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/?term=Adler-Neal%20AL%5BAuthor%5D&cauthor=true&cauthor_uid=26985045">Adler-Neal AL</a><sup>2</sup>, <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/?term=Wells%20RE%5BAuthor%5D&cauthor=true&cauthor_uid=26985045">Wells RE</a><sup>3</sup>, <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/?term=Stagnaro%20E%5BAuthor%5D&cauthor=true&cauthor_uid=26985045">Stagnaro E</a><sup>4</sup>, <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/?term=May%20LM%5BAuthor%5D&cauthor=true&cauthor_uid=26985045">May LM</a><sup>5</sup>, <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/?term=Eisenach%20JC%5BAuthor%5D&cauthor=true&cauthor_uid=26985045">Eisenach JC</a><sup>6</sup>, <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/?term=McHaffie%20JG%5BAuthor%5D&cauthor=true&cauthor_uid=26985045">McHaffie JG</a><sup>2</sup>, <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/?term=Coghill%20RC%5BAuthor%5D&cauthor=true&cauthor_uid=26985045">Coghill RC</a><sup>7</sup><br />
<br />
Citation and abstract in PubMed:<br />
<a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26985045">http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26985045</a><br />
<br />
The whole article can be read here:<br />
<a href="https://www.dropbox.com/s/ue3dwws1vepiywb/Zeidan2016JNeuroscienceMeditationPain.pdf?dl=0">https://www.dropbox.com/s/ue3dwws1vepiywb/Zeidan2016JNeuroscienceMeditationPain.pdf?dl=0</a><br />
<br /></div>
Hermes Solenzolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01692919473562622263noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2989381952921725577.post-2918328708372817372016-01-21T21:36:00.000-08:002016-01-21T21:41:18.110-08:00How to avoid hurting the one we love<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br />
It is quite ironic that the person who loves you the best is also the person who is able to hurt you most deeply. Apparently, romantic relationships entail a great deal of suffering. Everybody seems to think that this is unavoidable, that suffering is just the price of admission for being loved. However, I think that it doesn’t have to be this way, that if we hurt the person we love it’s because we must be doing something wrong. It seems that when we reach a certain degree of intimacy we start allowing ourselves some behaviors that bring conflict and emotional damage. Then, perhaps what we should do is to learn to recognize those behaviors and ways to avoid them. We should learn to love in a better, healthier way. <br />
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“Abuse” is a strong word. We tend to neatly divide the world between abusers, who deserve our scorn and even jail time; victims, who must be protected and healed, and then the rest of us, nice people who are neither abusers or victims. This classification works quite well when it comes to physical abuse, because physical damage is relatively easy to identify. Likewise, social taboos about unwanted sexual contact are normally clearly established within any given society. However, there are no such clear boundaries when it comes to emotional abuse. Whether a particular act is abusive or not depends not so much on the act itself but on context, intention, how often the act is repeated, and how resilient or vulnerable is the person on the receiving end. Perhaps this explains why we hurt the person we love so often, sometimes intentionally, sometimes inadvertently. When it comes to emotional damage, we all can be small-scale abusers and victims. Of course, there are the real psychological abusers, those who cause emotional damage in an intentional or habitual way with the objective of bringing the other person under their control. Emotional abuse could be defined as any behavior that causes psychological damage, produces dependence and decrease the self-esteem of the target person. It is based on using three key emotions, fear, guilt and shame, which are used to break the psychological balance of a person.<br />
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Here is a list of behaviors involved in emotional abuse:<br />
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<li><u>Coercion </u>is defined as a demand that can’t be refused without bringing about serious negative consequences. One clear example is coerced sex; imposed, for example, under the threat of a fight. But coercion can be used to obtain many other things: going to a party, socializing with some particular people, choosing a vacation spot, how to decorate the house, or when to have children.</li>
<li><u>Threats </u>are one of the most direct forms of coercion. They evoke fear to get what we want. One of the most frequent threats in a couple is breaking up. This usually happen as a result of an unbalance of power based on one person valuing the relationship more than the other. It could be that she is more in love or that the relationship brings on advantages that he doesn’t want to lose. In these case, the impending threat of the break-up can become an unspoken but powerful coercion. It often happen that this threat is just a bluff. </li>
<li><u>Frightening</u>. Threats are just one way of using fear to control a person. Emotional manipulation can prosper in an environment of high anxiety created by actions like screaming, throwing things, breaking things, risking safety or breaking the law. The simple presence of fear creates an environment of oppression. </li>
<li><u>Blackmail </u>is a form of coercion that consist in threatening to do something that the other person doesn’t want us to do if he does not comply with our demands. The most familiar form of blackmail is the threat of telling about something. One clear example is “outing”: revealing that somebody is gay, bisexual, into BDSM, polyamorous, or any other form of sexuality not approved by society. </li>
<li><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_blackmail"><u>Emotional blackmail</u> </a>consists in using fear, obligation or guilt (sometimes this is abbreviated by the acronym FOG) with the goal of pressuring another person to do what we want. There are four types of emotional blackmail. The first consists in the threat of punishment. A classic example in couples is the withdrawal of sex or affection. The second type is self-punishment: the threat of harming oneself. An extreme but all-too-familiar case is the threat of suicide. A milder case is that sulking attitude when we don’t get what we want. The third type of emotional blackmail consists in engaging in acts of self-sacrifice with the goal of evoking guilt. These include all those acts of service that are done not out of goodwill or love, but to get something in exchange. The fourth type is perhaps the most difficult to recognize, because it consists in offering a price in exchange for getting what we want. A classic example is offering candy to a child in exchange for a kiss. In a couple, offering sex as a price may seem like a good idea at first, but in fact this is not very different from withdrawing sex when we don’t get what we want. It leads to the creation of a manipulative environment in which we don’t know why things are done. </li>
<li><u>Breaking boundaries</u>. We all have things that we never want to do or want done to ourselves: those are our boundaries. In a healthy relationship each person defines what their boundaries are and respects the boundaries of the other. Problems arise either when boundaries are not clearly defined or when they are known but are broken nevertheless. </li>
<li><u>Sabotage</u>. This includes instances of not respecting the work, family and social obligations of our lover. The most typical case is when a couple’s brawl leaves us so upset that we cannot focus on work. In this case the sabotage is involuntary and indirect. A step up from that is when somebody has so little respect for their partner that he gives no consideration to her work schedule or the time he needs to devote to family and friends. Time and attention can be misappropriated, for example, by forcing dates or phone conversations at inopportune times. In the more extreme cases of abuse, the abuser directly interferes with the work or social environment of the victim with the clear goal of undermining them. I know a case of a husband who called her wife’s boss to tell him the she was quitting the job, which was not her intention at all. </li>
<li><u>Lack of communication</u>. Good communication is vital in any healthy relationship. It is hard even in the best situations, so it becomes nearly impossible when somebody sabotages it as part of a manipulative strategy. One example of this is the “silent treatment” (refusing to talk) or its modern version: blocking in social media. Another example is doing the opposite: talking continuously to create a “<a href="http://sexsciencespirit.blogspot.com/2015/11/the-wall-of-words.html">Wall of Words</a>” that prevents the other person from talking. </li>
<li><u>Lying</u>. Of course, the worst form of lack of communication is not telling the truth. Lying could be considered as a way of taking power away from somebody, because misinformation prevents that person from making the best decisions. Lying is considered the main offense in infidelity, but any form of lying or dishonesty is harmful in a relationship because it undermines trust.</li>
<li><u><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting">Gaslighting </a></u>is an extreme form of psychological abuse consisting in the systematic manipulation of the information that is provided to a person. The goal is to weave of a web of lies, half-truths, secrets and deceptions that creates a distorted view of reality. This is often done with the goal of hiding a situation of generalized abuse. Gaslighting greatly harms the self-esteem and may cause the victim to question her own sanity. The name comes from the play Gas Light and its movie adaptations. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<li><u>Keeping secrets</u>. The question of whether is OK to keep secrets from our partner is a delicate one. On the one hand, everybody has a right to his own privacy - some things are so intimate that we want to keep them from absolutely anybody. On the other hand, hiding some things that our partner has the right to know could be considered lying by omission. The most clear examples are STIs and adultery.</li>
<li><u>Invading privacy</u>. The other side of that coin is privacy. Everybody has a right to reveal things about themselves only if they want to, when they want to and how they want to. We also have a right that whatever we tell somebody in confidence is not revealed to third persons without our consent. Even if it is not right to keep some things secret, that doesn’t mean that we may use coercion to force somebody to reveal a secret. The most clear example of violation of privacy, unfortunately common these days, is to search a cell phone or a computer for information without the permission of the owner.</li>
<li><u>Complaints and criticisms</u>. Complaining is normal. If something is not going well in the relationship it is essential for good communication to talk about it. But there are many ways to say something. When complaints and criticisms are made with the intention of evoking shame and guilt, we have entered the territory of emotional mistreatment. Problems should be presented at the right occasion, preferably with enough time to discuss them without feeling rushed. There should be no intention of hurting and offending. Like in many other things, quantity matters: a long list of reproaches is offensive. We should also pay attention to two bad habits related to this. The first is to be easily offended, so that whoever talks to us is kept on edge, having to constantly self-censor. Obviously, this gets in the way of good communication. The other bad habit is to present oneself as the victim, a common strategy of psychological abusers. </li>
<li><u>Shaming</u>. Even more than guilt, shame is the emotion that damages most the self-esteem. Consider, for example, all the cases of homosexual teenagers that are driven to suicide by shaming from their parents, their teachers, their classmates or religious authorities. One of the most common instances of emotional abuse are degrading comments and continuous criticism. A extreme case of shaming is cyber-bullying: the harassment and public shaming of individuals in social networks. Another form of shaming is to berate people not for what they do but for who they are, like their gender, ethnicity, sexual orientation or culture. Here we enter on the territory of bigotry and intolerance. </li>
<li><u>Not apologizing</u>. We all make mistakes, so we all should be ready to apologize when we hurt another person. A timely apology could mean the difference between a fight that is satisfactorily resolved and another that leaves scars for a lifetime. It could also mean the difference between a mistake done without malice or an act of deliberate abuse. When a person in a couple apologizes all the time and the other never does it, that is a sign that something is really wrong. </li>
<li><u>Not forgiving.</u> Not accepting an apology can undermine the dignity of the person offering it and thus can be hurtful and aggressive. Of course, not everything could or should be forgiven. In fact, in many instances of abuse there is a pathological form or forgiveness based on co-dependency - the victim constantly forgives the abuser, even making far-fetched excuses for the abuse. A necessary condition for forgiveness should be that the deed to be forgiven has ended. We can’t forgive somebody who persists in the misbehavior. On the other hand, not granting forgiveness that has been earned can become emotional abuse when this is used to perpetuates the guilt of the person asking to be forgiven as a form of control. So maybe the right thing to do when something cannot be forgiven is to terminate the relationship, rather than to continue it in the climate of power unbalance brought by the feeling of guilt. A variant of this problem is when an apology is accepted but used later on, over and over, to remind the person of his past guilt. This is not true forgiveness. We should move on. </li>
<li><u>Passive aggressive behavior</u> is an expression of hostility based on not doing things that we are supposed to do. It includes some of the problems that I mention above, like lack of communication, withdrawing affection, not apologizing and not forgiving. But there are many other ways of being passive aggressive, sometimes hard to identify. Even over-politeness or extreme compliance can be forms of passive-aggression. By the same token, it is easy to accuse a well-meaning person of being passive-aggressive and very difficult to defend ourselves against such an accusation. </li>
<li><u>Social isolation</u>. A common technique to create emotional dependence in sects is to separate the new follower from his family and friends. This way the victim loses the frame of reference that would allow her to escape indoctrination. A similar situation can take place in a couple when a person is separated from her friends and social environment, usually because of jealousy. </li>
<li><u>Social pressure</u>. I may also happen that one of the individuals in a couple becomes completely surrounded by the friends and family of the other. Then, when problems arise in the couple, these people would have a biased attitude about them. Social pressure can also come from cultural norms that favor one person over the other. One clear example is sexism, when society condones a man’s control over a woman’s behavior. Another case is when one person wants some kind of sexual freedom, like being kinky or polyamorous, and another person prevents it with the help of cultural norms and societal repression. This happens in instances of slut-shaming: harassing women because their sexual behavior infringes cultural norms.</li>
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Well, I don’t know about you, but I must confess that I have done some of the things in this list. Also, I had some of them done to me. Perhaps you think that you don’t do them just because you are a woman, or a feminist, or gay, or submissive. Well, think again, you may be in denial. After all, even hard-core psychological abusers don’t see themselves as such. Is all too easy to rationalize emotional abuse as self-defense, standing up for ourselves or even being funny. We should stop doing them because they really hurt that person that we claim to love. They also damage our relationship and gradually erode the love we seek. On top of that, when we engage in these behaviors we contribute to normalize them, making them harder to identify in cases of serious psychological abuse.<br />
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We all have been in a couple’s quarrel in which we have tried to scare or hurt the person that we love. We need to stop doing that, raise our ethical standards and, if we need to fight, at least fight fairly, without being manipulative or cruel. Emotional abuse should not be considered normal, even in its mildest forms. It leaves scars that undermine the relationship, setting the foundation for future fights and even turning the relationship into something toxic.<br />
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One of the worse things about psychological abuse is that it’s so hard to identify. In fact, I believe that there is a gradation between what is socially accepted behavior in a couple (but still wrong) and psychological abuse. Where our behavior falls in that gradient depends not only on what our intentions are but on how vulnerable is the other person. It’s way too easy to hurt somebody by mistake. Since it’s so easy to engage in emotional mistreatment, it often becomes mutual in a couple. This may lead to a toxic relationship where victim and abuser are not always easy to identify. So we should be mindful that, even if we are being mistreated, this does not justify retaliating with emotional abuse of our own. When emotional abuse has made a relationship toxic, the best solution is to break up. However, this can be surprisingly difficult to do because of <a href="https://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com/trauma-bonding/">trauma bonding</a>.<br />
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I think that we all should examine carefully our behavior towards our loved one and carefully expunge any element of emotional abuse. When somebody opens their heart to us, this makes them extremely vulnerable. We should not betray their trust by using this vulnerability to hurt them or to exploit them. Even if we do it unconsciously, there is no excuse. If we want to be loved, we have to learn to love. And this consists in making the other person happy. Love should not hurt.<br />
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Hermes Solenzolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01692919473562622263noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2989381952921725577.post-47088469256241942082015-11-22T22:05:00.000-08:002015-11-22T22:05:57.075-08:00In defense of cheating<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Although statistics about the prevalence of infidelity vary wildly (between 25% and 60% over the duration of a marriage), everybody seems to agree that it is on the increase on Western societies. Is this necessarily a bad thing? Or is it just one more symptom of the disintegration of the monogamous norm? Judging from what I read, it seems that many polyamorous people, while critiquing sexual exclusivity, are quite judgmental when it comes to cheating. In agreement with people of a more puritanical persuasion, they tend to view infidelity as the betrayal of a sacred oath. According to them, if a person is sexually unsatisfied in her or his current relationship, there are only three morally acceptable options: 1) continue to live sexually deprived, 2) negotiate an open relationship, 3) leave the relationship. The 4th option, of course, is cheating. I believe that sometimes it is ethically justified for the following reasons…<br />
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I believe that the basic issue underlying the ethics of sex is personal autonomy. It means that my body (and my mind) is mine and I should be able to use it as I see fit, as long as it doesn’t impinge in the personal autonomy of somebody else. This has two implications, one negative and one positive. The negative implication is that nobody should use my body (or my mind) against my desires, which makes rape, sexual abuse, psychological abuse and other forms of non-consensual sex, immoral. The positive implication is that I have a right to my own sexual satisfaction (again, as long as it doesn’t violate the personal autonomy of somebody else). This implies that sexual repression also violates personal autonomy and should be considered a form of abuse. Therefore, cheating is not a violation of consent because it does not violate the partner’s personal autonomy. What it does violate is a personal contract in which two people have agreed to mutual sexual exclusivity. However, breaking an agreement is a much less serious offense than violating personal autonomy (as in rape and sexual abuse). It is important to note that the sexual exclusivity agreement does involve relinquishing a large segment of personal autonomy: before I was able to have sex with whoever wanted to have sex with me, now I’m restricted to just one person. Because of that, any form of coercion in establishing this agreement should be considered quite seriously.<br />
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We cannot forget that we live in a society that strongly enforces monogamy. In fact, there many places in the world today where non-monogamy is punished with death. Even the more enlighten Western societies exert considerable pressure in favor of monogamy, using different forms of legal, economic, cultural and social sanctions. Very often these are unfairly directed more toward women than toward men.<br />
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Because of that, we cannot consider the agreement of sexual exclusivity involved in marriage as one freely made, but one made under the pressure of a coercive environment. In practice, this means that we are given the option between a monogamous relationship or no relationship at all. Almost nobody is given the option between an open relationship or a sexually exclusive one: it is monogamy by default. Let’s remember that an agreement made under duress is not morally binding.<br />
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Let’s now consider the three options (other than cheating) offered to a person who is sexually dissatisfied in a relationship. The first one is to just put up with the sexual deprivation. In the old, sexually-repressive culture, this went unquestioned. Sex was considered something superfluous, unnecessary for the happiness of a decent person (especially if it was a woman). The new sex-positive culture has changed that perspective, posing that it is unacceptable for a person to live sexually deprived. This not only applies to having sex in general, but also to enjoy alternative sexualities like BDSM. If I’m kinky and my partner is not, I’m entitled to do something about it. So this is no longer an acceptable option for a lot of people.<br />
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The second option is to negotiate an open relationship. This is considerably difficult, often impossible. Let’s not forget that open and polyamorous relationships are vanishingly few. Realistically, proposing an open agreement to a partner entrenched in the monogamous mentality is not only futile, it is foolish. The only thing that it would accomplish is to make us instant suspects of cheating, or wanting to cheat.<br />
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The third option is breaking the relationship. I am quite surprise at the alacrity with which so many people propose this option… like breaking-up was easy and entailed no suffering at all! Quite the opposite, most of the time it is the least desirable option, often an impossible one. This is because we live in a society that wraps a lot of power in the institution of marriage, in the form of economic power (share savings, mortgage, etc.) and restrictions of individual freedom (the house where I live, the job that I have, childcare, etc.). Then, breaking-up is not a simple matter of stopping a sexual and emotional relationship, but something that throws our life in a complete turmoil, most likely ending up by lowering significantly our standard of living. Divorce is easy when you are rich, ruinous when you are poor. And then there are the children, who probably wouldn’t suffer much if a parent occasionally cheats, but would be devastated by a divorce.<br />
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In conclusion, cheating is not a black-and-white issue, but one of great complexity. If one thing is clear, is that we would all gain a lot by de-dramatizing it. Contrary to what we read in novels and see on television, it’s not worth killing anybody over it. Is not even worth leaving our loved one over it. Sex is just sex, let’s not blow it out of proportion by attaching all sorts of mystical meanings to it. Yes, in some cases cheating is a dastardly thing to do, involving breaking of trust, dishonesty and betrayal. But in other cases it is just the least bad of a set of bad options. Like the case of the woman who has become economically dependent of her husband by leaving her career to have children, and now finds that he no longer wants to have sex with her.<br />
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From the point of view of a non-monogamous, sex-positive culture, we should be able to appreciate the element of rebellion against the established order that is implicit in cheating. Yes, the person being cheated suffers, but the monogamous norm is partly to blame for that suffering. It is that culture that has convinced him that being cheated is, oh, such an awful thing to go through! And let’s not forget that that cultural norm of sexual exclusivity creates an unbalance of power, empowering the sexually repressive member of a couple to the disadvantage of the one that yearns for sexual freedom. Ideally, we should all be able to be polyamorous if we wanted, but in reality the ability to do that is reserved to a precious few. We should not be judgmental of people who have to resort to other, more unpalatable options. <br />
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Hermes Solenzolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01692919473562622263noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2989381952921725577.post-77436301790604678722015-11-15T21:19:00.000-08:002015-11-15T21:19:21.219-08:00The six basic emotions of Ekman<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Charles Darwin was one of the first to realize that there are several emotions that are clearly expressed in the face and the body, not only of humans but also of many mammals. The fact that emotions are not unique to humans was consistent with his theory of evolution. Almost a century later, in 1972, Paul Ekman did a cross-cultural study in which he concluded that there are six basic emotions: joy, sadness, fear, anger, disgust and surprise.<br />
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•<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Fear is the most well-studied all these six emotions because is connected to important psychological problems like anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). We know that involves the activation of the amygdala region of the brain. In the body, fears triggers the production of adrenaline and the activation of the sympathetic system, which prepares the body for action: the fight-or-flight response. Paradoxically, it can also produce the opposite behavior: freezing, which consists in complete immobility of the animal, perhaps to escape detection.<br />
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•<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Disgust makes us reject substances or environments that are potentially unhealthy because they present a danger of infection or poisoning. We can imagine that this is a very primitive emotion because even simple animals have chemical senses that stops them from eating and makes them move away from toxic substances. It is associated with the body reactions of nausea and vomiting.<br />
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•<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Anger is associated with behaviors of aggression. Like fear, it involves adrenaline secretion and the activation of the sympathetic system, but while fear leads to either freezing or escape, anger draws us towards whatever has irritated us.<br />
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•<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Surprise, like fear and anger, involves a general activation of the nervous system. Its role is to direct our attention towards an unexpected stimulus. It is not a negative emotion, because at the onset it draws us towards the stimulus. If the stimulus turns out to be threatening, it is quickly followed by fear.<br />
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•<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Sadness produces the opposite reaction than fear, anger and surprise: it deactivates the nervous system, leading to a state of internal withdrawal.<br />
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•<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Joy is the most positive emotion. It activates the nervous system to make us go out exploring or to repeat a pleasurable behavior. I think it is important not to confuse joy with happiness, which is not an emotion but a generalized state of well-being, harmony and agreement with our life. Although when we are happy we tend to experience more joy, we can be happy in the mist of other emotions. For example, the fear inspired by scary movies or dangerous sports is happy-making. Even sadness can be accompanied by happiness, like in some pleasant melancholy states.<br />
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I feel increasingly fascinated by emotions. For a long time I have wanted to write about these six basic emotions and now, to my surprise, there is a Disney movie about them! The animation film Inside Out zooms inside the mind of the characters to show us how these basic emotions interact among them to direct our behavior.<br />
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Of course, being a Disney movie, we can expect a certain lack of depth and factual errors. The first one is… Surprise! They totally left surprise out. Why? What’s wrong with surprise? Is a perfectly legit basic emotion… Who doesn’t like a surprise party? Well, actually, I do… I’m a bit of a control freak and don’t like surprises, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate this emotion when it comes barging into my mind.<br />
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The other problem is a bit more subtle: the implication that these puny five emotions are the only ones we feel, when there are so many others. What happened to love, compassion, regret, jealousy, envy, pride, shame, guilt, indignation, self-righteousness, curiosity, boredom, awe, ridicule and loyalty? And that list is far from exhaustive. Unlike the six basic emotions of Ekman, many of these other emotions appear to be exclusively human. For example, we used to think that <a href="http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/02/26/dogs-shame-guilty-look/5833395/">dogs feel shame</a> and guilt, but recent research shows that we may be <a href="http://www.pbs.org/newshour/rundown/dogs-feel-shame-may-surprised/">anthropomorphizing </a>what is just a display of fear. Or maybe dogs are just very good a mimicking these emotions. Regardless, many of these emotions (like love, shame, guilt, pride and loyalty) are related to regulating social behavior. Others, like curiosity, interest, boredom and awe, seems related to our cognitive interaction with the world. I hope to write an article about these uniquely human emotions very soon.<br />
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And an interesting way of classifying emotions...</div>
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Hermes Solenzolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01692919473562622263noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2989381952921725577.post-53636239586052160342015-11-08T14:41:00.000-08:002015-11-08T14:41:08.452-08:00The Wall of Words<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Words are meant to be used to communicate and communication is essential in any relationship. However, quite often words are used as weapons to attack a partner in a relationship, as clubs to bludgeon he or she into submission. One thing I have encountered quite often in my life is what I call the “Wall of Words”, which consists in one person (whom I will call a “waller”) talking in an aggressive way for long periods of time so that the other person is forced into silence and does not have time to form an effective defense.<br />
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Here is how it works. The person will start talking and carry on for a long period of time, often giving lots of unnecessary details and repeating himself. If the other person interrupts her, he will complain vigorously about the interruption and then proceed with the speech. However, there is a double standard regarding interruptions, because when the other person finally gets a chance to talk, she will be soon interrupted by another long tirade of the “waller”, who suddenly feels the urgent need to correct something the other person has just said. In the most blatant cases of the Wall of Words that I have experienced, there was an occasional silence but when I opened my mouth to speak the “waller” immediately started talking over me, blocking anything I was trying to say. In fact, the Wall of Words may leads to two persons talking simultaneously, even screaming at each other, one trying desperately to get heard and the other blocking the speech.<br />
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The Wall of Words is harder to implement in group situations, although I have seen one person take control over an entire meeting and preventing people with dissenting opinions to speak by using her authority as the Chair to allocate most of the speaking time to herself.<br />
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The “waller”, consciously or unconsciously, is trying to block the other person from communicating. She clearly does not want to listen, she just wants to lecture the other person. The goal is to create a power imbalance in which the “waller” adopts the role of a superior lecturing a subordinate, like an adult reprimanding a child or a boss chastising an employee. Indeed, the content of the speech in the Wall of Words is quite often full of accusations and shaming. Other times the “waller” presents herself as a victim and the Wall of Words in put up with the excuse of defending herself against the supposed abuse of the other person. Of course, abuse does happen, but the way to stop it should not be preventing the abuser from communicating. In fact, the Wall of Words is in itself a form of psychological abuse in which the power imbalance created by the fact that one person gets to talk and the other doesn’t may end up undermining the self-esteem of the person silenced. Often, the “waller” will elaborate a long list of accusations and the person silenced feels powerless to even start addressing it. In the worst cases, threats are also included, adding fear to the negative emotions of guilt and shame.<br />
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What can be done when faced with a Wall of Words? Solutions are not easy because the Wall of Words itself prevents any solutions based on good communication. Here are some ideas:<br />
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<li><u>Ask a third person to mediate.</u> Ideally, the mediator should be made aware of the problem so that she can arbitrate equal time to talk. However, be aware that the “waller” may try to involve the mediator in the dynamic with protest of unfairness, ultimately also blocking the mediator from communicating. </li>
<li><u>Walk away.</u> Quite often a person will put up a Wall of Words only when he is upset or forced into a defensive position. In those cases, simply rescheduling the conversation for a time when everybody is more calm solves the problem. In other cases it may simply not be worthwhile to talk to a person who uses the Wall of Words. On the other hand, trying to continue a conversation when a Wall of Words is being used is not just a waste of time, but an affront at the dignity of the person being subjected to it and may even cause her psychological damage.</li>
<li><u>Ask yourself if you are part of the problem. </u>Granted, a Wall of Words is abusive, but perhaps the person using it does so as a mechanism of defense against something that you are doing. She obviously doesn’t want to listen to you, but is it out of fear that what you may say will hurt her? Even if you don’t use a Wall of Words, you may also be saying things that are threatening, blaming or shaming. </li>
<li><u>Use a safeword</u> to signal to a person prone to use a Wall of Words that she is carrying on for too long and is time for her to listen. Of course, this is predicated on that person recognizing that there is a problem.</li>
<li><u>Name the problem</u>: “you are using a Wall of Words”. I think that coming up with a shorthand name like the “Wall of Words” can help a lot by raising awareness about a previously unrecognized problem. Other words like “sexist”, “homophobic”, “emotional blackmail” and “slut shaming” have work very effectively as a signposts for other abusive behaviors. </li>
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I just came up with these possible solutions by thinking about this problem, but if you know of any others please feel free to suggest them.<div>
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Hermes Solenzolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01692919473562622263noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2989381952921725577.post-15871256375388303072015-09-26T11:29:00.000-07:002015-09-26T11:29:53.432-07:00Indignation and self-righteousness, explained by David Brin<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
David Brin is my favorite science-fiction writer and a savvy and innovative thinker. In particular, his ideas about the emotions of indignation and self-righteousness are extremely important in the current climate of ideological polarization. Here is how he explains it in a TED talk...<br />
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<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i275AvgVvow">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i275AvgVvow</a><br />
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Hermes Solenzolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01692919473562622263noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2989381952921725577.post-8151709704948910142014-12-20T17:05:00.000-08:002014-12-20T17:05:13.432-08:00The virgin/whore complex<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Some men dream about a woman that is pure and chaste. She has been waiting all her life for him, rejecting every man in her path until his arrival because he is her special one, the one she will love and cherish for the rest of her life. Once she is with him she will not flirt with anyone, not even look at them. She will protect her modesty and save her charms only for him. She is his virgin, if not in deed, at least in her deepest heart. She is also ready to step in the mother role, to build him a home that will be his castle, to take care of him and eventually of his children.<br />
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Well, maybe it is too much to be expected from a woman to be a virgin in this day and age, but a man can always dream… And, as a last resource, he can always invoke the old American Redemption Myth that permeates so many of the stories and biographies in the USA. It goes like this… A person is led astray by the “follies of youth”, tempted by sex, drugs and violence. She spirals down in circles of increasing degeneration until she touches bottom. Then she “looks for help” and starts a new life in a magical ordeal of rebirth - she is “born again”. That would be the perfect moment in her life in which her savior, the prince she has been waiting for without knowing in, can ride in wearing shining armor or a cowboy outfit, to “sweep her off her feet” and welcome her into her new life. All the mistakes of the past are forgiven and forgotten. Her virginity is magically restored by the soul-searching and the trials of her rebirth.<br />
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However, before making his glorious appearance into the virgin’s life, our knight-in-shining-armor or Malboro man has to entertain himself. He looks for “easy” women to have fun with. They are sexy, hot and funny and he likes to spend time with them. But in is heart of hearts he despises them because he knows what they are: they are whores, ready to fling themselves into the arms of any man. They are unworthy of him, they are soiled, they have lost their self-respect by pursuing the easy pleasures of life instead of the higher goal of Pure Love and dedication to Her Man. Of course, there is always the possibility that they would see the error of their ways, repent and be reborn as virgins ready to devote themselves to the Just One Man ideal.<br />
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Occasionally, after he has settled down with his virgin, our King-Of-His-Castle can feel a pang of nostalgia of his careless past with the whores. He thought the virgin would be all he wanted, but now that she is running around taking care of the house and the kids she is not much fun anymore. She dutifully opens her legs for him every time he asks, but sex has become a boring routine. So, since “men will be men”, he occasionally goes out of his castle to find himself a whore or two. Or maybe he adopts a special one who is always waiting to take him on a wild ride when he feels like it. But let’s not get it wrong, everything has to be in its place: the virgin locked in the castle and the whore waiting by the whoring bed.<br />
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Things are no different in the BDSM world. In fact, there are some roles that fit perfectly well with the virgin / knight stereotypes. The submissive can be in fact a super-virgin, one that chooses to carry her dedication to her Master to heroic extremes by being ready to obey his every word and to be punished if she ever strays from the “straight and narrow”. And the Dominant can be the super-knight, the Daddy who knows best and has no other desires than the well-being of his submissive virgin.<br />
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Do I really need to explain what is wrong with this picture? The virgin / whore complex is the manifestation of some of the deepest sexist reflexes of our culture. It is misogynistic because it negates the right of a woman to run her own sexuality, putting it at the service of a man’s fantasies and desires. It is sex-negative because it is based on repressing sexual desire and imposing a narrow normative of sexual behavior. Indeed, it reinforces the same old monogamous societal norms based on sexual and romantic exclusivity, and the labeling of “infidelity” as the worse possible transgression in a couple.<br />
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Yes, everybody has a right to live their kink as they please. If they opt for the most conservative versions of monogamous Domestic Discipline, that’s fine. But we cannot allow sexist, sex-negative and monogamous societal norms to be imported into the BDSM community and preached as the only valid way to do BDSM. The very nature of BDSM, the vast variety of its practices, lends itself to having multiple partners with whom to experience different forms of play. A desire for variety and experience doesn’t subtract from the intensity of the surrender in D/s; in fact, it adds to it. Furthermore, we shouldn’t take it for granted that complete surrender and obedience to a Dom is always wholesome and sane. The intensity of the feelings involved in submission makes it way too easy to manipulate them for psychological abuse, especially when coupled with social isolation in the name of “fidelity”. The best way of preventing this from happening is to be immersed in a kinky community that can raise warning flags when they are needed and provide advice to the submissive, and even the Dom, when things start to go wrong.<br />
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Hermes Solenzolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01692919473562622263noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2989381952921725577.post-86331052374181754902014-12-18T23:16:00.000-08:002014-12-18T23:16:53.898-08:00Cecilia, a portrait<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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What makes a woman beautiful? There are women of astounding beauty. Women who are tall, sculptural, with blond hair, blue eyes and generous breasts. They are the women that we expect to see on a magazine cover, on a movie poster. Just past her twentieth birthday, Cecilia is pretty, but with a discrete beauty that is only revealed under close inspection. She is petite, with features reduced in proportion. She has black hair parted in the middle; a sea of unruly curls messed up by her habit of sticking her fingers into them, combing them back in a coquettish motion that often ends with a wild shake of her head. Her face is triangular and symmetric, with high cheekbones, straight thing nose and sharp chin. Her lips are expressive, able to change in a heartbeat from a charming smile to a grimace of annoyance, and her big dark brown eyes are shaded by long eyelashes that emphasize that thoughtful look so common in her. One can make out the shape of the muscles in her strong, well-proportioned body, particularly in her arms and her thighs. Her breasts are small, with that shape rounded from the front, conical in profile, that establish youth and elegance. Her most attractive feature is her bottom, which has a bold, insolent curvature that make men turn around in the street to look at her as she walks away.<br />
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What makes a woman interesting? There are women with high-pitched, childish, excited voices. Other have voices that are as profound and seductive as the night. Cecilia speaks with a youthful, serene voice, sometimes fast, sometimes meditative. Her gaze often gets lost in the distance or glances self-absorbed at some random object that happens to be in front of her. Her eyes smile better than her lips, but they also know how to glare in anger or<br />
to let tears flow with abandon. She moves with quick, nervous gestures, or occasionally rests motionless, lost in deep thoughts. Because Cecilia is above all a girl of exceptional intelligence, of unconventional ideas, who chases her goals with a stubbornness bordering obsession.<br />
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What is it that some women have to make everybody fall in love with them? Perhaps, more than their beauty or their personality, what makes them irresistible is the power of their passion. Cecilia carries inside a burning desire that, like it happens with volcanoes, can be asleep sometimes, but sooner or later it explodes in a rain of incandescent sparks and blazing lava flows. Somehow that inner fire peeks out in the glint of her eyes, in the warmth of her skin, causing many to be bewitched. But beware those who dare love her! For Cecilia is also a woman of dark fantasies, one who courts pain and infamy, and it isn’t always easy to accompany her to the murky places that she likes to visit.<br />
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Nevertheless, at the beginning of our story we encounter a different Cecilia. An innocent, immature and sanctimonious girl, trapped in the historical circumstances of the country where she was born: a Spain that was just beginning to wake up from forty years of gloomy dictatorship. That tyranny and the devastating war that preceded it could smother perhaps the yearning for liberty and justice of an entire generation. But what the fascists never expected was that the desire to be free and to fight for a better world will be reborn with renewed strength in the hearts of their own children.<br />
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Hermes Solenzolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01692919473562622263noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2989381952921725577.post-43231167916969583462014-12-03T21:26:00.000-08:002014-12-03T21:26:52.621-08:00Panic attacks in BDSM scenes<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Among the many problems that can happen in a scene, panic attacks can be a serious one, especially if the Top doesn’t know how to handle them. They are more common that you may think. Last month, during a talk I gave at Threshold (the BDSM organization of Los Angeles), I asked my audience to raise their hands if they had experienced a panic attack in a scene, either themselves or their play partner. About two thirds of the 45 people present raised their hand.<br />
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<u>What does a panic attack look like?</u> It happens more or less like this… The scene seems the be going well and is approaching its peak. Both the Top and the bottom are completely immersed in it. Then the sub stops reacting. She does not moan with each lash, doesn’t move, has closed her eyes and seems lost in her inner world. Then, all of a sudden, she explodes. The panic attack is characterized by an inability to speak - so in this case the safeword is of little use. There is also difficulty to breathe, uncontrolled moves, evasive gaze, crying and rejection of being touched. Inside, the person that experiences the panic attack feels extreme anxiety, terror, tunnel vision and inability to think and express himself. That state can last an undetermined amount of time, from minutes to hours. Returning to the scene is normally impossible and, in any case, not recommended.<br />
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<u>What can we do when this happens?</u> The first thing, of course, is to stop the scene. Discontinue immediately any type of painful or stressful stimulus. If there is bondage, it must be released immediately because physical restrain is one of the main triggers of panic attacks. If necessary cut the ropes with scissors or a knife being extremely careful not to cut the sub, who is probably moving unpredictably. If he is wearing a blindfold, remove it. Turn on the lights. Being able to see provides a strong reassurance. You should speak clearly with a calm voice, explaining everything you are doing, even if it looks obvious to you, even if the sub doesn’t seem to understand. If he is having trouble breathing, you can try guiding his breathing with your voice. You should warn her before you touch her, because sudden physical contact can be alarming for somebody suffering a panic attack. If you are in a public space, try to keep people from crowding the sub. However, if there is somebody around who is intimate with the sub, bring her in, perhaps she can reassure the bottom better that you can. After all, you were the one just beating her, remember? Encourage the sub to cry, which is healing and releases tension. Once the worse part of the attack is over, when the sub can speak again, you should give him the option of talking about it or staying quiet to process it internally. Some people need to spend time alone after they suffer a panic attack. If that’s the case, your mission is to provide a safe environment in which she is not bothered or can hurt herself. Listen for any signs of danger.<br />
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<u>Why do panic attacks happen in scenes?</u> A scene puts the sub in an altered state of consciousness, and he may have a good trip or a bad trip. That state is normally experienced as something nice and enriching, but sometimes it brings forth traumatic experiences that pack such a powerful emotional charge that they trigger the panic attack. We call them “emotional land mines”. Paradoxically, endorphin release can produce the “freezing” state that is often the precursor of the panic attack. Animal studies have found that endorphin release can be triggered by uncontrollable stressors, so if the sub feels that she is losing control in the scene this can trigger the panic. Yes, endorphin release is not always a good thing. It has been linked to the “learned helplessness” paradigm, a state in which the person or the animal gives up and doesn’t fight anymore. Learned helplessness causes immune suppression, cognitive disabilities and a host of other unhealthy effects.<br />
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A person who suffers panic attacks is not crazy, neurotic or traumatized. The panic attack is just the manifestation of the power that a BDSM scene has to profoundly alter the mind. If handled right, a panic attack may even be beneficial in the long run. Mobilizing negative psychological contents allows them to be processed consciously, which can be healing.<br />
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I think it’s important that everyone who practices BDSM realizes that encountering a panic attack is a real possibility and to know what to do when that happens. It is even possible to prevent the panic attack from happening if we are alert to the freezing behavior that precedes it. When we flog or tie somebody, it’s normal for him to moan, complain and squirm. What is not normal is complete immobility in the face of pain. That is a sign that something is wrong. The Top should talk to the bottom from time to time. If she doesn’t answer, you should stop and look the sub in the face to make sure that everything is all right. There are, of course, people who prefer to “go inside” and not react to pain, but they should warn the Top during the negotiation that that’s the way they function. Conversely, I don’t think is advisable that the Dominant orders or trains the sub to be still and quiet when he experiences pain. Not only that would not let us detect an imminent panic attack, but it’s even likely to provoke one. <br />
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Hermes Solenzolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01692919473562622263noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2989381952921725577.post-72874448627454397582014-11-09T18:33:00.000-08:002014-11-09T18:33:55.627-08:00Altered states of consciousness in BDSM<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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One of the most fascinating aspects of BDSM is its ability to induce altered states of consciousness. Lately this has gathered a lot of attention in FetLife.com, but unfortunately it has also generated a series of pseudoscience myths and dubious techniques to induce endorphin release and attain that coveted sub-space. In this article I want to use my experience as both a BDSM practitioner and a scientist doing research on pain neurophysiology to shed some light on all this confusion. I must start with a warning: there is practically no scientific research on the neurochemical phenomena that occur in sadomasochistic scenes. Moreover, there are reasons to think that these phenomena are quite different from ordinary pain responses, so much of what I am about to say here is speculative. However, although at the moment we are not ready to talk about what happens in the brain during a scenes, we still can use scientific evidence to debunk some of the existing myths and set the foundation for some serious research.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3lz0H2n8zK1cdFKDy9Q5TguY7mZxRdUVoIj8pQ2nMnOJO7kQYVfhxbaYFfVSqCesFWfW3xjD7j24gwxieU7-XNROPlx47a85z7XxL4V8DapJvY_dkEvkYr35qunCAN2YTnkwcLESzv3I/s1600/SusanBlackmore.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3lz0H2n8zK1cdFKDy9Q5TguY7mZxRdUVoIj8pQ2nMnOJO7kQYVfhxbaYFfVSqCesFWfW3xjD7j24gwxieU7-XNROPlx47a85z7XxL4V8DapJvY_dkEvkYr35qunCAN2YTnkwcLESzv3I/s1600/SusanBlackmore.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A great book about consciousness</td></tr>
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What is an altered state of consciousness? Consciousness is the fact of being aware of everything that happens, both in the outside world and inside our mind. Our consciousness flows like a river of experiences that forms the story of our lives. From our subjective point of view, our consciousness is everything. Of course, objectively there is an external reality unaffected by what we make of it. What I’m pointing at is that our state of consciousness shapes and colors the events of our everyday lives. The reality that we perceive is altered by the filter of our consciousness: it disappears when we sleep and takes an exceptional intensity in situations of danger in which our brain becomes more alert to our surroundings. The quality of our consciousness determines to a great extent our capacity to be happy. This is because our consciousness is shaped by our emotional state, which is able to make our world look like hell or heavens. Since the dawn of our species, we humans have tried to alter our consciousness by consuming certain drugs or by undergoing certain extreme experiences. BDSM is an example of the second. Of course, not every BDSM activity is going to produce an altered state of consciousness, but those which do will likely leave us an unforgettable memory.<br />
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Here I want to propose a classification of altered states of consciousness that can be reached in a BDSM scene. This classification is based on my own experience, on discussions with other people that practice BDSM and on my knowledge of neuroscience.
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• <u>Endorphin release</u>. Endorphins are a family of almost 40 different neuropeptides that are able to activate the same receptors as morphine and other opiates. There are four opioid receptors, three named with the Greek letters mu, delta and kappa, which decrease pain, and the fourth called the nociceptin / orphanin receptor, which actually increases pain. Apart from their analgesic effect (pain inhibition), mu and delta receptors induce a sensation of well-being or euphoria. In contrast, kappa receptors produce a state of emotional distress called dysphoria. Endorphins are released into the bloodstream from the pituitary gland, but this does not produce analgesia or an altered state of consciousness because endorphins in the blood cannot cross the blood-brain barrier to have an effect on the brain. The only endorphins that can induce an altered state of consciousness are those that are released by neurons inside the brain. In addition, it should be noted that endorphins are independently released in different brain areas , so that we cannot speak of a generalized state of “endorphin release” but of multiple states depending on where they are released. In any case, we can safely say that endorphin release during a BDSM scene decreases pain and induces a feeling of calm, relaxation and even sleepiness. The submissive turns his or her attention inward, disconnecting with the surrounding environment and entering a fantasy world. Endorphin release can be triggered by gradually increasing pain intensity in an environment of emotional support in which the submissive can absorb the sensations without having to give a response. Endorphin release can be monitored as a decrease in heartbeat.<br />
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• <u>Nor-adrenaline release</u>. Nor-adrenaline or nor-epinephrine is a neurotransmitter that, like the endorphins, is released by pain-controlling neural pathways and produces analgesia. I suspect that many states of decreased pain sensitivity sadomasochist scenes that are attributed to endorphins are in fact generated by nor-adrenaline. As in the case of the endorphins, we shouldn’t confuse the release of adrenaline in the blood with the release of nor-adrenaline by some specific neuronal pathways in the brain, although both things often happen at the same time. Nor-adrenaline is released when pain is coupled to fear in a situation that demands a response from the submissive. There are inhibitory connections between endorphin and nor-adrenaline pain-controlling pathways, which ensure that endorphin and nor-adrenaline release do not happen simultaneously. Although both states produce analgesia, in other things they are very dissimilar. Nor-adrenaline release produces a state of increased awareness to external stimuli, which appear more intense. The submissive cries, moves, reacts. Her heartbeat increases. Nevertheless, this state can be as euphoric and pleasant as that produced by endorphin release.<br />
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• <u>Sub-space</u>. The term “sub-space” is often used indistinctively to refer to any of the altered states of consciousness described above. However, I would like to propose that ‘sub-space’ should be used only to refer to Dominance-submission scenes and not to sadomasochistic scenes, that is, to states generated by pain. I would define sub-space as a mental state in which the attention of the submissive is completely focused on the Dominant and the feelings of surrender and obedience that She or He evokes. From the point of view of neuroscience, it seems likely that sub-space is related to the release of oxytocin, a “social hormone” that induces trust and bonding. It may also involve dopamine release in the so-called “pleasure pathway” linking the ventral tegmental area of the striatum with the nucleus accumbens. The accumbens is the site of action of most drugs that produce addiction, like the opiates, cocaine, amphetamines and nicotine. Serotonin, a neurotransmitter of complex actions due to its multiplicity of receptors, could also be related to this state of calm surrender. In contrast to endorphin and nor-adrenaline release, sub-space is much more than a simple reflex response. Instead, it seems to be an emotional state in which one enters largely at will and that is subject to many variants and levels. Achieving a deep sub-space may require a period of training, building of trust and bonding between the submissive and the Dominant.<br />
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• <u>Top-space</u> is not mentioned as often as sub-space, but there is little doubt that it exists and is as important for the Top as sub-space is for the submissive. One of the things that make a good Top is to be able to read the physical reactions of the bottom and deduce from them his or her mental state. Both the Top in a sadomasochist scene and the Dominant in a D/s relationship have to focus all their attention on the person they are playing with, feeling empathy and establishing a tight bond with the bottom. Therefore, Top-space probably shares many physiological features with sub-space. Perhaps in it oxytocin release is accompanied by the release of vasopressin, another social hormone that induces feelings of possession and territoriality in males. In sadomasochist scenes in which the Top inflicts a lot of pain to the bottom, a substantial release of nor-adrenaline may occur in the Top because of empathy, which probably strengthens His or Her focus and control on the scene.<br />
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• <u>Sub-drop</u>. Many submissives and bottoms complain of entering a period of low energy, apathy and dysphoria after an intense BDSM scene. This may be due to a withdrawal effect to the release of euphoric neurotransmitters during the scene. However, sub-drop may have more complex causes, because on a closer examination it seem to be different states that vary from person to person. Some people never experience it, while is quite strong in others. Also, there seem to be at least two types of sub-drop, one that happens immediately after the scene and that can be addressed with aftercare and another that happens two or three days after the scene and can last several days. It is important, I think, that we do not accept sub-drop as something normal and unavoidable. Perhaps the scene has stirred some deeply buried emotions from the past that the submissive should examine. Using the information that I gave above, the submissive should consider whether the scene has involved endorphin release, nor-adrenaline release or sub-space, and how sub-drop relates to each of this mental states. Perhaps this way we can start building up information on how sub-drop relates to the different altered states of consciousness.<br />
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We should not treat the altered states of consciousness that we reach in a BDSM scene in a frivolous fashion, like BDSM was just one more drug. After all, if all we want is to get high perhaps we should just take drugs, instead of going through the painstaking process of doing a scene. I think that altered states of consciousness in BDSM are valuable because of their context, that of a profound personal relationship between the people involved in the scene. Hence, it is not so much a question of whether we release this or that neurotransmitter, but of the meaning that the scene has brought to our lives… Maybe a catharsis, maybe the surfacing of psychological issues buried in our minds for a long time and that had been released by the scene. Maybe we have encountered a part of ourselves that we didn’t know before. More and more people understand BDSM as a process of self-discovery and personal transformation that enriches our lives and contributes to make us happier and self-fulfilled.<br />
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Hermes Solenzolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01692919473562622263noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2989381952921725577.post-47340142335162173722014-10-04T22:07:00.000-07:002014-10-04T22:07:22.208-07:00Is it sinful to be spanked?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<i>This is a scene from the first chapter of my novel “Games of love and pain”, which I published in Spanish and have started translating into English. The story starts in January 1976 in the southern French city of Perpignan. Cecilia and Julio had to share a hotel room in their way back to Spain during a skiing trip to the Alps. Cecilia is quite religious and prudish, but in the course of an intimate conversation with Julio they both discover that they share some peculiar sexual tastes…</i><br />
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The idea that started to form in her head was terrifying… in a sort of tempting, irresistible way.<br />
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“But it I like it, it doesn’t have to be so horrible.”<br />
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Her heart was beating fast. She kept gazing at the ceiling, not daring to look at Julio.<br />
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“Hey… What do you mean with all this?” said Julio, pulling at her arm to make her look at him. “Do you mean that you want me to spank you? That’s really amazing coming from you, Cecilia!”<br />
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She felt herself blush. She rolled sideways, turning her back to him so he wouldn’t see her face.<br />
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“That was stupid of me… I shouldn’t have told you anything.”<br />
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Julio grabbed her by the shoulder and shook her slightly. <br />
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“I’m sorry. I don’t want you to be ashamed of telling me what your brother did to you. I’m so happy that you trusted me enough to tell me! I just don’t understand what you want… Before you came here with me you made me promise that I wasn’t going to touch you… And now you want me to spank you?”<br />
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“Wouldn’t you like to do it?”<br />
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“Of course I would like to do it! But I didn’t think that was a possibility. I never imagine that I would find a woman who would agree to that.” <br />
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“Well, you have found me.”<br />
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“Are you sure, Cecilia? Don’t you think it would be a sin?”<br />
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“If it hurts, if I don’t feel pleasure, how could it be a sin?”<br />
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“Look here, Cecilia, I know what you are doing. You are just going around inside your pretty head looking for excuses. I’m dying to do it, I assure you. But I promised you that tonight I wouldn’t try anything with you, so I’m not going to mislead you. Whatever you decide, you’ll have to decide by yourself, don’t tell me afterwards that I tricked you.”<br />
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It was true. Her own arguments failed to convince her. Guilt and desire fought each other inside her.<br />
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“The thing is… if we don’t do it now, it will never happen” she whined. “When we go back to Madrid I will never see you again.”<br />
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“Why not? Why shouldn’t we continue being friends? Maybe you should think about all this more calmly.”<br />
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But she knew that if she let the opportunity slip away it would never come back, for either of them. She would probably never find that husband that knew how to discipline her in a loving way. And Julio would never find another masochistic woman that would let him spank her. That made up her mind. She wanted to give him that present. She wanted to leave him with a memory as unforgettable as that evening with Laura under the poster of the Sagrada Familia.<br />
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“Just a few spanks, on my pajamas, OK?”<br />
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Julio looked at her with a mixture of excitement and fear.<br />
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“OK. If you want me to stop, you only have to tell me, got it?”<br />
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“I got it.”<br />
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She couldn’t believe what was about to happen.<br />
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Julio sat up in the middle of the bed with his back straight, leaning on a pillow and the headboard. He left his legs under the covers, pulling them up to cover his lap.<br />
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“Lay down on top of my legs” he told her.<br />
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Cecilia kneeled on the bed to his right. She hesitated, and for a moment their eyes met. Julio’s face showed desire and a certain anxiety. She wasn’t going to chicken out now. She let herself fall across his lap. Julio’s crossed legs made her butt stick out in a rather obscene way. She felt the warmth of his body. His smell intoxicated her. Waves of excitement cruised her entire body.<br />
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Julio slapped her bottom. The thick fabric of the pajamas took all the force of the hit, so that she felt only a blunt impact, not at all painful.<br />
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“How was that?” asked Julio.<br />
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“It didn’t hurt at all. Hit me harder.”<br />
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“Let’s see…”<br />
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Out of the corner of her eye she saw Julio raise his hand, which landed with force on her. But, once more, the spank had no effect at all. Julio hit her a few more times with the same result. It was utterly frustrating.<br />
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It came as a sudden, unconscious decision. She put her hands inside the waist of her pajama pants and pulled down to lower them. By the contact of the cool air with her skin she knew that her panties had bundled up, leaving most of her buttocks bare.<br />
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She heard Julio draw a deep breath.<br />
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“What’s the matter?” she asked, fearful that he would want to stop.<br />
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“Nothing… Is just… that you have such a beautiful butt… May I touch it?”<br />
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Without waiting for her answer, Julio caressed her buttocks were they were left exposed by the panties. It gave her goosebumps. The touch of Julio’s hand was soft, incredibly sensual. Too sensual.<br />
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“No, no!” she protested. “Just spank me.”<br />
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Julio’s hand went away, only to immediately fall back on her with full force. This time it cracked on her skin with a sting. Right away, Julio spanked her other cheek, where it also elicited a lively burn. At the third stroke she couldn’t avoid moving her butt to try to avoid it.<br />
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“So, not it does hurt, doesn’t it?”<br />
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“You bet!” her voice came out faltering. “Go on.”<br />
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“So you think this is rather funny, don’t you?” said Julio in a commanding and slightly mocking voice. “Look, Cecilia, you had this coming a long way. Most of the time you are a pretty good girl, but from time to time your wires get crossed and you throw some silly temper tantrums… Like the one you had today in the bus, don’t you think?”<br />
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That lecture had to be fake, to spice things up, but Julio’s voice sounded so stern that it did scare her a little. It also turned her on.<br />
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“Yes, I deserve a good punishment. Spank me hard!”<br />
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“Well, then prepare yourself. I’m going to give you something you won’t easily forget!”<br />
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To emphasize what he said, Julio grabbed her hip with one hand while with the other he gave her a series of quick slaps, alternating between her buttocks. The blows were sufficiently severe to keep her from thinking about anything else. Still, the spark of pain elicited by each slap had an undeniable pleasure quality. It merged with the perverse joy that came from the humiliating position in which Julio held her and the idea that she was being punished like a little girl. Very soon she started wiggling her bottom from side to side, up and down, as her body hopelessly tried to escape the slaps. It became an obscene dance that she performed following the rhythm that Julio marked with his spanks, like the monotone rhythm of a metronome, warning her of precisely when the next slap was going to hit her so that the stings of pain acquired the inevitability of destiny. None of them said anything; each one was completely absorbed in their task: to punish and to be punished. Cecilia only produced sighs and occasional moans… whether from pain or from pleasure, she didn’t know. The spanks did produce a loud noise that exploded on the skin of her bottom and reverberated on the walls of the room, small explosions as alarming as the blows themselves. Julio’s arm held her hip against a vertical, cylindrical bump in his belly of which she was only vaguely conscious, absorbed as she was in the conflicting emotions evoked by the spanking. <br />
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Julio stopped suddenly. He pushed her away from his lap and jumped off the bed. He ran into the bathroom, a fist tightly closed on the front of his pajama pants.<br />
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Cecilia was left laying on her belly, not even caring to pull up her pants. Her heart was beating loudly in her ears. She was shaking. The contrast between the intensity of her connection with Julio and her suddenly loneliness filled her with confusion. She felt abandoned, rejected in the middle of that intimate act to which she had abandoned herself so completely. Without knowing exactly why, she started to cry.<br />
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Coming out of the bathroom, Julio looked at her with surprise.<br />
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“You are crying! What’s wrong?”<br />
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He sauntered to the bed. He laid at her side and hugged her from behind.<br />
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“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you so much” he muttered.<br />
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“It’s not that…” she said with a slobbery voice from crying. “Why did you leave so suddenly?”<br />
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“Oh, that! Well… you see, it was that I… I couldn’t hold it anymore… I went into the bathroom so you wouldn’t see me.”<br />
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Cecilia sat up, turning to look at him.<br />
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“Do you mean that you have… ejaculated?”<br />
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“Only a little bit…”<br />
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Cecilia laughed, tears still pouring out of her eyes.<br />
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“That means that you got really excited.”<br />
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“I think it was the most exciting thing I’ve ever done in my life.”<br />
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“More exciting than making love to Laura?”<br />
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“Yes, even more than that.”<br />
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That made her feel proud. But immediately a crushing wave of guilt invaded her. <br />
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“Ay, Julio! What have we done!”</div>
Hermes Solenzolhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01692919473562622263noreply@blogger.com0