The orgasm gap is a terrible idea, scientifically, personally and politically

I have wanted to write about the orgasm gap for a long time. However, the subject seemed rife with political landmines. As a neuroscientist specializing in pain and sensations, I gathered many scientific papers on sexual pleasure and orgasm. Female orgasms are so complex, so controversial and so ideologically loaded that they seemed impossible to tackle in a short article. Nevertheless, I am giving it a try, leaving a lot of information for future posts.

The ‘orgasm gap’ can be understood as two interconnected ideas:

1. Women have fewer orgasms than men during sex.
2. Men are to blame for this.

You may object, saying that the orgasm gap is only the first idea and that the second is a strawman. However, since its inception, the orgasm gap always referred to men as the culprits of women not being able to reach orgasm [1].

Although the orgasm gap is presented as a call for women being more aware of the inequality they suffer during sex and as the remedy to this inequality, I think that it achieves exactly the opposite by perpetuating some wrong ideas about the female orgasm and how to achieve it. Not only that, this idea damages feminism by increasing the divide between women and men.

The ‘orgasm gap’ idea is wrong scientifically

I am not contesting the idea that women achieve orgasm less frequently than men during sexual intercourse. That is a statistical fact [2-4]. However, an idea can be wrong scientifically even when based on fact: when it provides the wrong conceptual frame to understand a problem. The ‘orgasm gap’ idea does that by looking at orgasms through only one variable, their frequency, when in fact orgasms are complex phenomena in which intensity, quality, and emotional impact are as important as frequency. When we consider these crucial properties we come to realize that there is, in fact, another orgasm gap in the opposite direction: female orgasms are often more intense, more enjoyable and have a greater emotional impact than male orgasms. Of course, this second orgasm gap is not to be blamed on women but on some basic physiological differences between the sexes. This is not a new finding, people have been aware of it since antiquity, as I humorously pointed out in my article The Orgasm Gap According to the Ancient Greek.

Of course, if you do not reach orgasm at all it does not help that it would have been better than a male orgasm. Here we are faced with a third orgasm gap, one that exists between women: some women are multiorgasmic and cum easily, others are anorgasmic, and most are between these extremes with different levels of difficulty in achieving orgasms. To complicate things even more, the ease, frequency and intensity of female orgasms change through life, notably after menopause, but also depending on factors like childbirth, motherhood, emotional health and quality of romantic relationships. Emotions like anger, indignation and shame have a great impact on the ability to orgasm and orgasm quality.

The other way the ‘orgasm gap’ is wrong scientifically is in its second part. It discusses orgasms as something that happens only during sex with another person, ignoring orgasms achieved through masturbation. However, the inability of a woman to achieve orgasm through masturbation is a different problem that her inability to get it with a sexual partner. The first could point to a serious physiological or psychological disorder, whereas the second may or may not be caused by her sexual partner. By framing female orgasms as something exclusively related to sexual interaction, the idea of the orgasm gap may direct women in the wrong direction to solve their problem.

Approaching sex with an ‘orgasm gap’ mentality is bad personally 

Many people come to sex with a lot of emotional baggage. They may have grown up in a sexuality repressive culture that has left them filled with sexual guilt and shame. They may have been abused sexually. They may come from previous relationships with people that disregarded their sexual needs or that were sexually incompatible with them. And yet, for sex to be fulfilling, healthy and fun we have to leave that baggage behind and try for a fresh start. That may not always be possible, but at least we should be aware of our problems and not blame them on our sex partner. Here, an ‘orgasm gap’ mentality is likely to increase instead of remedy our previous problems. It makes women look at men with suspicion, which is a bad place to start. Even worse, it presents sex as a transactional act: “I give you pleasure if you give me pleasure”, when sex should be an act of generosity. A fundamental thing to understand about sex is that giving pleasure IS pleasure. Pleasure is not just the sensations arising from our genitals, is the whole emotional feedback, the upward spiral of ‘I enjoy that you enjoy that I enjoy that you enjoy…’.

In my experience, the biggest obstacle to orgasm is anger. That’s why I think the revindicative approach to orgasm brought by the concept of the orgasm gap gets it completely backward. If you start having sex with the frame of mind that you are going to blame your partner if he doesn’t give you an orgasm, most likely you are not going to get one. You may add other negative emotions to anger, shame and craving, for example, but nothing drives sexual pleasure away as effectively as anger. There is no amount of sexual expertise that can overcome those walls in your head.

If you are trapped in anorgasmia, the way out is in not to find a man that can ‘give you an orgasm’. Barred a medical or psychological problem, the path to better orgasms is creative masturbation. You should be able to give yourself orgasms, and in the process map out the places in your body, the touching, the rhythms, the fantasies, the words and the sounds that get you off [3]. Only then you will be able to tell them to your partner, so you can travel together on a landscape of pleasure. And remember, orgasms are only one more feature in that landscape.

Regarding men's behavior, there is an issue regarding female orgasms that has been ignored by the orgasm gap warriors. As analyzed in the book A Billion Wicked Thoughts [5], many men do seek to give women orgasms with single-minded determination. However, they do not do it in the spirit of good, giving and game (GGG) sex, but because they consider it an act of conquest, a personal achievement demonstrating their sexual skills. Here the giving of pleasure comes from the ego, not from a place of generosity. The ‘orgasm gap’ ideology encourages this, adding to the ‘making her cum’ ego boost the additional reward of being politically correct.

Genesis did a great satire of this attitude in their song Counting Out Time:

I'm counting out time, hoping it goes like I planned it,
'cause I understand it.
Look! I've found the hotspots, Figures one and nine.
Still counting out time. Got my finger on the button.
"Don't say nuttin' just lie there still
And I'll get you turned on just fine".
Erogenous zones I love you!
Without you, what would a poor boy do?

The ‘orgasm gap’ hurts the political goals of feminism

I have always defined myself as a feminist, but I look at modern trends in feminism with increasing unease. Some feminists seem to be hell-bent in starting a gender war. This is not new, of course. There is an undercurrent of misandry (hate of men) in some forms of feminism that goes back to the 70s. In particular, anti-porn feminism tried to condemn male sexual desire as inherently violent, exploitative and objectifying of women (culminating in the “penetration is rape” nonsense). I suspect that the ‘orgasm gap’ comes from this ideological current in a last desperate attempt to fend off sex-positive feminism. After all, this idea is consistent with a view of male sexuality as being inherently selfish.

However, if feminism is to succeed, it needs to recruit men to its cause instead of alienating them. And this is what the ‘orgasm gap’ idea does when it blames men from the sexual problems of women. Of course, there are some selfish men who only seek their own sexual pleasure. More often, however, men fail at giving pleasure out of ignorance and lack of skill. As the practice of casual sex becomes more common, pleasuring women is not an easy task because their sexual responses vary enormously [2, 4, 6]. And no, it is not as easy as stimulating her clit; many women do not like their clits to be directly stimulated. And yet some others do. Others vastly prefer vaginal stimulation and do not care if this is politically incorrect. There are submissive women who fall on their knees and beg to be used for your pleasure. I’ve met sadistic women who were much more interested in my pain than in their own pleasure. Every woman is different, so go figure! As sex adviser Dan Savage once said, sex should be like a five-page dinner menu where each person gets to pick their favorite dish, and then share it.

Just like in a relationship, sex should be the glue that binds women and men together to fight for progressive political causes. Including, of course, women equality. Tossing blame and shame back and forth across an artificially-created gender gap is foolish and counterproductive. Equality is not a zero-sum game, and nowhere is this truer than when it comes to sex.

References:

[1] E.A. Armstrong, P. England, A.C.K. Fogarty, Accounting for Women’s Orgasm and Sexual Enjoyment in College Hookups and Relationships, American Sociological Review, 77 (2012) 435-462.
[2] K.L. Blair, J. Cappell, C.F. Pukall, Not All Orgasms Were Created Equal: Differences in Frequency and Satisfaction of Orgasm Experiences by Sexual Activity in Same-Sex Versus Mixed-Sex Relationships, The Journal of Sex Research, 55 (2018) 719-733.
[3] D.A. Frederick, H.K.S. John, J.R. Garcia, E.A. Lloyd, Differences in Orgasm Frequency Among Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Heterosexual Men and Women in a U.S. National Sample, Arch. Sex. Behav., 47 (2018) 273-288.
[4] J.R. Garcia, E.A. Lloyd, K. Wallen, H.E. Fisher, Variation in orgasm occurrence by sexual orientation in a sample of U.S. singles, J Sex Med, 11 (2014) 2645-2652.
[5] S.G. Ogi Ogas, A Billion Wicked Thoughts: What the Internet Tells Us About Sexual Relationships.
[6] R. King, J. Belsky, K. Mah, Y. Binik, Are there different types of female orgasm?, Arch Sex Behav, 40 (2011) 865-875.