G-Spot, Squirting and Vaginal Orgasms - the Controversy and the Science

 

The Skene or peri-urethral gland

The controversy: two views about female orgasms

The official version, defended by sexologists and other experts (Kilchevsky et al., 2012; Puppo and Puppo, 2014), is that there is only one type of female orgasm: the one triggered by stimulation of the clitoris. Although some women are able to reach orgasm during penetration, this is because the penis stimulates the clitoris indirectly with its movements in the vagina. The vaginal walls are practically devoid of the nerve endings needed to trigger an orgasm (Kilchevsky et al., 2012). The G-spot does not exist and there are no vaginal orgasms. Similarly, female ejaculation is a myth (Shafik et al., 2009); what really happens is that some women produce a lot of vaginal lubrication.

However, there is another version, the one told by many women who have embarked on a deep exploration of their sexuality. It is also supported by scientific studies (Jannini et al., 2010; Schubach, 2002; Thabet, 2009). According to this view, there are at least two types of orgasms, clitoral and vaginal, which differ in their subjective qualities. The vaginal orgasm can be triggered independently of clitoral stimulation through a point on the front of the vagina, the so-called G-spot - an abbreviation of Grafenberg spot (Schubach, 2002). A vaginal orgasm is often accompanied by a stream of clear fluid that is different from urine or vaginal discharge. Although many women are unable to achieve vaginal orgasms at first, they can be trained to do so by sensitizing the G-spot with prolonged finger massage.

Who is right? Well, there is plenty of evidence to consider.

Orgasms vary widely among women

But first let me start by saying that women vary enormously in their sexual response (Prause et al., 2016). Many women find it difficult to achieve orgasm with anything other than clitoral stimulation. However, there is also a large group of women who prefer vaginal stimulation, not only during intercourse but also by masturbating using fingers or dildos inserted into their vaginas. Some women cannot stand direct clitoral stimulation because their clitoris is so sensitive that they find it unpleasant or even painful. For other women it is the opposite: their clitoris is a bit insensitive while their vagina provides a much more reliable source of pleasure.

Ideology seeps into sex research

In fact, the G-spot and female ejaculation have been known since ancient times in numerous cultures (Korda et al., 2010). They are described by Taoist texts of the 4^th century, in the Hindu Kamasutra and, in the Western world, by Aristotle and Galen. So why is there such a big controversy regarding its existence?

The reason is ideological. In 1976 the American feminist Shere Hite published The Hite Report, which became a best-seller. Based on informal questionnaires, it argued that the best way for women to reach orgasm is to masturbate by touching the clitoris and that internal stimulation of the vagina is not necessary. This was embraced by a group of radical feminists who viewed penis-in-vagina intercourse as a form of male domination. Some, following the writings of Andrea Dworkin, even went to the extreme of saying that “penetration is rape”.

This triggered vicious criticism of previous works on the female orgasm. Dr. Grafenberg was called a sexist and accused of having invented the G-spot in order to convince women to practice vaginal intercourse, thus relegating them to the roles of reproducers and providers of male pleasure.

Sigmund Freud was also called a sexist because in his “Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality” he sustained that only women who had reached psychosexual maturity were able to enjoy sexual intercourse and that those who resorted to clitoral stimulation were immature. Thus, he was the first to categorize women as clitoral or vaginal. Of course, saying that women who prefer to stimulate their clitoris are immature is nonsense, but so is denying the existence of women who prefer vaginal stimulation.

Fortunately, sanity was eventually brought back by a new wave of sex-positive feminists who consider it worthwhile to derive pleasure from different types of sex. However, sexologists are still reluctant to talk about vaginal orgasms for fear of being politically incorrect.

Evidence for the G-spot

According to an increasingly popular view, the G-spot is an organ located below the anterior face of the vagina, called the Skene glands or periurethral glands (Dwyer, 2012). Its physiological function remains a mystery. However, it seems to be similar to the male prostate (Schubach, 2002). During sexual stimulation, the Skene glands produce a clear, odorless fluid that is different from vaginal lubrication, which is produced by different glands - the Bartholin's glands - and is more viscous and milky. A detailed study of 50 normal and 125 circumcised (without a clitoris) Egyptian women found that 82% could have an orgasm by stimulating the G-spot, which in 66% of the women was found as “two small flaccid balloon-like masses on either side of the lower third of the urethra” (Thabet, 2009). A recent meta-analysis (a systematic review of previous studies) (Ostrzenski, 2019) concluded that the G-spot exists as a distinct anatomical structure and that it becomes engorged with blood during sexual stimulation. However, it is still debated whether the G-spot is the same as the Skene glands.

As for the claimed lack of nerve terminals in the vagina, it should be kept in mind that number of nerves does not necessarily correlate with intensity of sensation. Numerous nerve terminals are required for precise tactile sensations, like the ones in our fingertips, but not for diffuse sensations like pain and pleasure. Amazingly, women with spinal cord injuries - and thus unable to feel anything from the waist down - can have orgasms through vaginal stimulation. Studies using fMRI (Komisaruk and Whipple, 2005; Komisaruk et al., 2004) on these women showed that the usual neuronal pathways ascending the spinal cord were not necessary for orgasms because the sensations traveled from the vagina to the brain via the vagus nerve. The vagus is a nerve that originates in the brain and meanders through the middle of the body contacting all major organs. Its functions are both efferent (sending information from the brain) and afferent (sending information to the brain). Therefore, it seems that vaginal stimulation can trigger orgasms through the vagus nerve and does not require the presence of numerous terminals of the pudendal nerve, like the clitoris, which connects to the brain via the spinal cord.

Evidence for female ejaculation

I have witnessed female ejaculation on several occasions. I've also seen plenty of videos showing it, although these could be of women peeing. Still, 40% of women report ejaculating during orgasm, and 82% of women who report having a G-spot also report ejaculating (Darling et al., 1990).

In contrast to the vaginal lubrication produced by the Bartholin's glands, the secretion of the Skene glands contains biochemical markers similar to those produced by the prostate, such as the PDE5 enzyme (cGMP-specific phosphodiesterase type 5) and PSA (prostate-specific antigen). The prostate is a male organ that makes the semen, the liquid in which the sperm cells produced by the testicles are suspended. Therefore, the Skene glands would produce a semen-like fluid in women, so it would be appropriate to call their secretion "female ejaculate."

The problem is that the Skene glands are quite small and so they do not seem to be able to produce the large amount of liquid observed when women squirt. The same meta-analysis (Ostrzenski, 2019) that showed the existence of the G-spot also ruled out that it is responsible for female ejaculation. This has led to the speculation that squirting is really urinating, something called coital incontinence. However, there is evidence that female ejaculate is different from urine (Pastor, 2013).

In one study, two women who reported ejaculating during orgasm were thoroughly examined (Wimpissinger et al., 2007). Ultrasound revealed a gland lining the whole length of the urethra, and urethroscopy showed openings into the urethra. Biochemical markers of the prostate were found in their ejaculate, but not in their urine. This was taken as evidence for the existence of the female prostate and female ejaculation.

However, another study on seven women (Salama et al., 2015) reached different conclusions. Before sexual stimulation, the women were asked to empty their bladders, which was confirmed with ultrasounds. The same method was used to observe that their bladder filled up during sexual stimulation and that it was empty after squirting. Biochemical analyses of the ejaculate showed that it contained urine but also PSA. Before sexual stimulation, their urine did not contain any PSA.

There is a way to reconcile these two apparently contradictory results. According to this interpretation, in women who squirt sexual stimulation causes the Skene glands to release their secretions into the urethra. Since the exit of the urethra is closed by the sphincter, all that liquid is directed into the bladder, where it accumulates. At the same time, the kidneys keeps filling the bladder with urine. When the women have an orgasm all this liquid is released from the bladder as female ejaculation. Depending on how large the contribution of the Skene glands is in relation to that of the kidneys, the ejaculate will contain more PSA or more urine. This explains why both PSA and urine is found in the ejaculate.

Then, why do women ejaculate? It has been hypothesized that the biological function of squirting is to clean the urethra to avoid the urinary tract infections that are common after sexual intercourse (Moalem and Reidenberg, 2009). Another possibility is that this is just another signal that the woman has had an orgasm, which increases bonding with her sexual partner.

Conclusion

Based on this evidence and my own personal experience, I am convinced that the G-spot, vaginal orgasms and squirting are real.

I would go even further by saying that women are capable of many other types of orgasms: anal, from nipple stimulation, from spanking and other forms of pain, from exercise, and even to have full-body orgasms. But I will leave these topics for future articles.

Take-home messages

1.      Female sexuality varies widely, much more so than male sexuality. When making love with a woman whom you have just met, you should not assume that her sexuality will be similar to your previous lovers.

2.      Discarding vaginal orgasms because they are politically incorrect does a disservice to women because it denies them an important source of pleasure.

3.      Beware of the opinion of sexologists, especially if they seem to be ideologically motivated.

4.      The G-spot and vaginal orgasms do exist. If you have only had clitoral orgasms so far, it may be worthwhile to experiment with vaginal stimulation to have new sexual experiences.

5.      However, you should not become frustrated if you are not able to squirt or cum by stimulating your G-spot. Skene's glands appear to vary greatly from woman to woman. About 18% of women do not seem to have a functional G-spot (Thabet, 2009).

6.      Vaginal orgasms and squirting are different things. It is OK to squirt. It is OK to not squirt.

7.      Do not consider your sexuality as something static but something that can be changed with practice. Keep learning and exploring.

Is Sex Sacred?

The two opposite views of sex in our culture: precious and intimate, or without intrinsic meaning

Source

Far lack of a better adjective, I use the word “sacred” not with its religious meaning, but as something worth of special consideration. I propose here that modern culture is torn between two opposing views of sex, with opposing answers to the question in the title:

Yes, sex is sacred and deeply meaningful. It is the most intimate act because sexual pleasure and orgasm make us enormously vulnerable. Sex also establishes a deep bonding, producing romantic love. That is why sex is called “making love”. By making love, a couple develops a monogamous bond, an alliance that helps them to stay united to confront life’s vicissitudes and to care for their children. Therefore, sex should not be degraded by doing it outside a committed couple or for banal reasons.

No, sex can be whatever you want it to be. What matters is not sex itself but the meaning we attach to it. Hence, sex can be anything between a banal act for pleasure or a spiritual quest, as in the ancient discipline of Tantra. But there is nothing intrinsically sacred about sex; that is just a relic of sexual repression by religions and puritanical ideologies. Sex leads to bonding only if that is what you want it to do. In fact, masturbation is a sexual act that does not lead to bonding. Romantic love arises not just sex, but from mutual understanding, loyalty and commitment.  

Each of these answers leads to different views on some thorny issues related to sex, like the seven that I discuss below.

1. Casual sex

If sex is sacred, then promiscuity, one-night-stands, and other forms of casual sex should be condemned as a desecration of what should be a special, intimate act. We should only have sex with somebody after dating them for long enough to know that “they are serious about the relationship”. In the most extreme view, sex should only happen after marriage, after the members of the couple have made a strong commitment to each other.

On the other hand, if sex is not sacred then there should be no problem practicing it casually with somebody we just met and are not going to see ever again. Or to have multiple partners, friends-with-benefits or nostalgic sex with an ex. Sex is just one more pleasurable experience in life that we enjoy alone or share with other people.

2. Masturbation

Some people still consider masturbation as something dirty and unethical. A common occurrence is that somebody in a couple feels betrayed because his or her significant other masturbates. At the bottom is this is the idea that sex should be used for bonding only, so if somebody masturbates he could be bonding with another person in his imagination. He is committing adultery in his heart, as the Bible says.

However, alone sex is considered okay by most people today. Moreover, masturbating can serve to explore our bodies and find out what works best for us, leading to better sex with a partner.

3. Pornography

Radical feminists still keep the campaign against pornography that they started in the 70s. They argue that performing sexual acts on camera for the benefit of strangers degrades the body of women. This can only be true if there is something special about sex that makes it different from any other act. If this sexual act is able to degrade the porn actress, that means that there is something sacred in her body that is being corrupted. However, if there is nothing particularly special about sex, then doing it on camera should present no particular problem.

There is also the feeling that watching porn when you are in a monogamous couple is tantamount to cheating. This is similar to the problem with masturbation, with the added problem that there is one specific person that our partner is watching. However, if sex can be de-coupled from bonding, there should be no problem in experiencing pleasure by watching porn.

4. Adultery and non-monogamy

Taking it one step further, why is it such a tragic event when somebody in a couple has sex with somebody else? Hard words are spoken, tears are shed, divorce papers are filed. Adultery is taken as the ultimate betrayal, even though there are worse things that can happen in a couple (psychological abuse, economic exploitation, subjugation). When asked about it, people argue that cheating is lying, the breaking of a promise. But quite often lies are told and promises are broken without such dire consequences. No, the only reason that adultery is so bad is that so much meaning is attached to sex. Sex is considered such a special act, of such profound intimacy, that can only be done with a specially chosen person.

Non-monogamy in its various forms (open relationships, swinging, polyamory) deconstructs this deep value attached to sex. Our cultural conditioning is hard to break but, once we have done that, we can talk with our wife about her last sexual fling with the same joy and complicity as we would discuss the last movie she watched.

5. Kinky sex (BDSM)

Having sex by hitting somebody, inflicting pain, tying them up, or dominating them, seems to be completely the opposite of what we would expect if sex is a sweet, intimate and loving act. That is why a lot of people reject the idea of kinky sex. However, people that practice BDSM know that it is even more intense, intimate and stirring than vanilla sex.

For a lot of kinky people, BDSM fulfills a desire that exists besides sexual desire, overlapping with it only to a certain extent. BDSM brings them a satisfaction and joy much deeper than vanilla sex. The existence of such desires reveals that there is more to sex than couple bonding. Sex has to do with our darkest psychological compulsions. Furthermore, kinky sex can be transformative by producing altered states of consciousness and by bringing to the surface deep subconscious contents. Some people consider it as a spiritual path. Coming around full circle, sex becomes sacred again, but in a positive way instead of a negative, repressive way.

6. Sexual abuse and rape

Now I am going to venture into dangerous territory. If we assume that there is nothing special about sex, that casual sex with strangers is perfectly fine, then why is rape so hurtful? If sex was truly inconsequential, then being raped would be as bad as being beaten, but not worse. And yet women who are raped often develop a profound, hurtful and life-long trauma. (I am aware that men and children can be raped, too; however, women are the majority of the victims of rape.)

There are several possible answers to these questions. But first let me state unequivocally that nothing that I say is an excuse for rape or an argument for leniency towards its perpetrators. The first answer is that sex is, indeed, sacred or special, so when a woman raped something intimate inside her is damaged. The problem with this idea is that it would need to be reconciled with the view that sex is not sacred when we deal with masturbation, casual sex and non-monogamy. The second answer is that rape is hurtful because cultural norms have thought women that they should feel hurt when they are raped. A third answer is that sex is not sacred but that rape hurts women, not because is a sexual act, but because it is a special act of violence able to damage something deep in their psyche.

7. Prostitution

Increasing calls for the decriminalization of prostitution are still met with confrontation, silencing and lies. The main lie is that prostitution is the same as the trafficking of women. This is not true because 1) most prostitutes are voluntary and not trafficked (only 1 in 7 prostitutes is trafficked in Europe, see page 49 of this United Nations report), and 2) most trafficked people are not prostituted but exploited in other forms of labor. Moreover, the most expedient form to end sexual trafficking would be to legalize prostitution so that those that do not do it voluntarily can come forward without fear of being accused of having committed a crime.

Leaving aside the complexities of the issue of trafficking, what is the main argument against voluntary prostitution? It usually takes the form of one of the following statements. “Prostitution degrades women by objectifying their bodies.” “Sex is an act that cannot be bought and sold.” “Monetizing sex degrades both the seller and the buyer because sex is an intimate act that should not be tarnished by money.” These statements are all based on the idea of sacred sex. Massage, for example, is also a physical activity in which a person services another person’s body, but it does not have the stigma of prostitution because sex is not involved. If sex was not sacred, then there would not be anything in the prostitute’s body that could be degraded. Likewise, sex can only be tarnished by money if it is somehow sacred.

 

In summary, we must consider carefully what sex means in our lives. Of course, conservatives of various religious persuasions will always want to impose the idea that sex is sacred. But progressives do not have a consistent view about the meaning of sex, either. They  change it depending on the issue being considered, from casual sex to adultery to prostitution. We should think about this and reach a common understanding.

 

Racist eugenics once again: forced sterilizations of immigrant women

 

Poster art for a 1971 “Stop forced sterilization” rally in San Francisco.
(Rachael Romero/San Francisco Poster Brigade via Library of Congress)

It is a perfect storm combing many issues that progressives care about: racism, eugenics, reproductive rights, immigrant rights, private detention facilities, retaliation against whistleblowers and medical abuse.

To keep this short, I will summarize the basic details. If you want to dig into the evidence or get more information, the story has been reported by The Washington Post, The Guardian, CNN, NPR and The New Yorker.

Here is the story in a nutshell. Immigrant women with minor gynecological problems at the Irwin County Detention Center in Ocilla, Georgia, a private facility run by LaSalle Corrections, were taken to the Irwin County Hospital. There, they were seen by doctor Mahendra Amin, a gynecologist based in Douglas, Georgia. The doctor told them that they had ovarian cysts or other problems that required surgery. The women were given consent forms in English to sign, even though they could not read or understand English. Apparently, medical records were falsified to state that the women did speak English. Then the women underwent surgery in which their uterus or Fallopian tubes were removed, ensuring that they could not have children.

According to an advocate, one woman volunteered for deportation when she became aware that she would “lose her reproductive system” if she continued to be treated at the facility.

The story came to light when it was reported by nurse Dawn Wooten, who works at the detention facility. Nurse Wooten also complained of numerous dangerous practices related to Covid-19, including placing staff and detainees at risk of contracting the virus, neglecting medical complaints and refusing to test symptomatic detainees. She did not identify the doctor performing the surgical procedures, other than by calling him the “uterus collector”. However, the story was corroborated by private interviews conducted by The Intercept with three detained women at the Irwin facility, eight detainee advocates and a former employee. These witnesses identified the doctor as Mahendra Amin. The story was also confirmed by the organization Immigrant Families Together by speaking directly to the victims.

Through his lawyer, doctor Amin has denied the accusations, claiming that he has only performed one or two hysterectomies in the last two or three years. In contrast, the human rights group Project South claims that at least 20 women received hysterectomies in 6 years. This might be just the tip of the iceberg since the majority of detained women do not have lawyers or advocates.  

The US Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) initially stated: “ICE takes all allegations seriously and defers to the Office of Inspector General regarding any potential investigation and/or results. That said, in general, anonymous, unproven allegations, made without any fact-checkable specifics, should be treated with the appropriate skepticism they deserve.” Later, an ICE official stated to the media: “According to ICE data, since 2018, only two individuals at Irwin County Detention Center were referred to certified, credentialed medical professionals at gynecological and obstetrical health care facilities for hysterectomies in compliance with National Commission on Correctional Health Care (NCCHC) standards. Based on their evaluations, these specialists recommended hysterectomies. These recommendations were reviewed by the facility clinical authority and approved.”

Predictably, the repression has started. The whistleblower, nurse Dawn Wooten, was demoted. There are fears that ICE will rush to deport key witnesses, as it did with a woman who reported sexual assault at El Paso detention center. Representative Jackson Lee (D-Texas) just stopped the deportation of Pauline Binam, a woman who had her Fallopian tube remove at the Irwin detention center and who could be a key witness in the investigation opened by the Democrats. Binam has been in the United States since she was two years old and is under threat of being deported to Cameroon.

There is a long history of forced sterilizations in the USA. Many were performed following the doctrine of eugenics, which aims to improve the quality of the human population. Historically, this was done mostly by suppressing the ability to reproduce of people and groups judged biologically inferior. In the United States, this included Black, Native Americans, Puerto Ricans and Mexicans. These eugenics policies are not in the distant past. According to an investigation done in 2013, from 2006 to 2010 at least 148 female inmates in two California prisons were sterilized by coercion. This raises the suspicion that there is a secret policy to sterilize immigrants so that they cannot have offspring in the United States in the case that they are granted asylum or legal residence.

So, the question now is whether the forced sterilizations at the Irwin detention center were just the work of one rogue doctor or expose a secret racist eugenic policy of ICE and the current administration.

Please, keep paying attention to this issue. Do not let it be buried in the avalanche of awful news that is drowning us these days.

How to add conflict to your erotic story to make it more realistic and exciting

Drawing for the cover of my novel "Desencadenada". 

Let’s face it: most erotic stories are boring. The sexual images titillate us and that keeps us reading but, other than sex, not much is happening. You may add appealing characters, a nice setting and beautiful wording, but more often than not the reader will skip over the wordy parts to get to the good stuff. She is not interested in the story (because there is none!), just the sexy bits.

Most erotic stories are not interesting because they do not abide by the basic rules of fiction: there must be conflict, the conflict must drive the plot, and the plot must change the main characters in a significant way.

However, for many writers of erotica conflict is incompatible with sex because they think that conflict is the same as violence, and mixing violence with sex equals sexual abuse. And they don’t want to go there. Sex is supposed to be loving and peaceful, a way for people to connect. It should not be violent.

This is wrong on two counts. First, sex can be violent but no abusive. For example, in BDSM physical violence is combined with sex to make it more exciting. But, most important, conflict is not the same as violence. Hollywood has created this wrong idea by inundating us with movies full of fistfights, gunshots, car crashes and explosions. But, fortunately, life is not like that. And yet life is full of conflict.

This is particularly true when it comes to sex. In fact, most sexual acts have an element of conflict. We still live in a repressive society in which a lot of sex is done by breaking taboos, conventions, ethical rules, agreements with third parties, and even the law. Also, more often than not there is a mismatch between the desires, goals or emotional states of the participants during sex. Therefore, not only are our run-of-the-mill erotic stories boring, they are unrealistic because they offer an idealized vision of sex that rarely corresponds to reality.

In this, erotic stories are not very different from porn videos: the absence of conflict makes the sex unrealistic. Besides, if the appeal of our erotic story is based solely on sexual images, video will always be able to do it better. But if our story dwells into the experiences that happen inside the minds of the characters, we will be doing something that video cannot do.

There is also an opportunity to be educational. You can present as conflict a problem that you know how to solve. It could be questionable consent, homophobia, problems achieving orgasm, lack of communication, sexual shame, etc. The characters face the problem, experience distress, find a way to solve it, have great fun, and end up feeling great about the whole thing. Or you could write it in a dramatic key, showing how the inability of the characters to solve the problem leads to an unhappy ending.

Just like any other kind of fiction, erotica can be happy, dramatic or even tragic. It could also be written as humor. When you stop to think about it, sex is inherently funny, filled with undignified positions, embarrassing outcomes, and endless possibilities for slapstick accidents. The whole repertoire of humans emotions are brought into sex: joy, sadness, fear, surprise, anger, disgust, shame, guilt, indignation, disappointment, envy, jealousy, pride, empathy, compassion and, of course, love.

A critical decision is who is going to be the point of view character in your story. Avoid an omniscient narrator, that is, one who can move from the mind of one character to another. This distances the reader from the action, which is the last thing we want in erotica. What you want is the reader to slip inside the skin of one of the characters so that he or she can feel what the character is feeling. This is achieved using either the first person or a tight third-person narrative. Make sure to go frequently inside the mind of the character to describe her thoughts and emotions. Never create confusion about who is the point of view, especially at the beginning of the story. Usually, your point of view character is the one who experiences the conflicts the most and gets transformed at the end of the story.

And, please, don’t make your characters perfect! Only imperfect people can be transformed by what happens to them. Give them some flaws, this will also add some depth to them.

At this point, you probably have realized that there are endless possibilities to bring conflict into an erotic story. I list a few examples below. I classify them according to whether the source of conflict is external, in the relationship, or internal to one of the characters.

External sources of conflict 

The sexual attraction is so strong that these people are having sex against all odds and putting themselves in danger. Or maybe danger is the secret ingredient that makes sex so hot.

• Romeo and Juliet - the characters belong to antagonistic groups: families with ancient quarrels, nations at war, or opposing cultural tribes.
• The characters belong to different groups that make communication between them problematic, such as different races, social classes, political parties, nations, cultures, etc.
• Having sex in an unusual place where there is danger to be discovered: an elevator, a train, a plane, a beach, a park…
• Having sex in a dangerous place: underwater, in a rock-climbing route, in the snow, on a kayak in the middle of the sea, on a mountain top, in a dangerous neighborhood.
• The sex act breaks a societal taboo. For example, stories featuring incest, cheating, student-professor or boss-secretary relationships. Of course, you should consider the ethics of writing such a story and whether it may be targeted for censorship. 
• The sex is against the law. For example, a homosexual act in an Islamic country.
• Sex during a natural disaster: hurricane, earthquake, etc.

Sources of conflict in the relationship

Most couples have problems and those tend to surface when they have sex. And if the story is about casual sex, well, then the potential for conflict rises considerably, doesn’t it?

• Performance sex. Sometimes one of the persons wants a relationship much more than the other. Then sex may become an act of seduction to convince the reluctant partner that they would get a lot of pleasure out of the relationship. This creates a dynamic that can range from the comic to the tragic. 
• Problematic consent. I do not agree with the absolutist position that anything other than enthusiastic consent is rape. Ignoring the fact that there are borderline cases actually hinders the fight against rape. There are a lot of these gray areas and fiction is a great way of creating hypotheticals to explore the limits of what is ethical. Let’s face it, a lot of sex is not accepted enthusiastically and it is still OK. There is charity sex, service sex, sex to keep your spouse from looking for another lover, sex to get a job or a promotion, etc. Some of it is ethical, some is not. A story is a good way to get your readers thinking about it. 
• Jealousy and envy. A sex story may involve a threesome, in which case these pesky emotions are more likely than not to come up. How will your characters deal with them? Or will it all end up in disaster?
• Angry sex. A couple has a fight. Before the can make up, they are hard at doing it. In fact, the anger makes the sex even hotter. But how will they feel when they are done?
• Problems in achieving orgasms. There is much talk about the orgasm gap. All the cultural and political baggage that comes with this problem can be an excellent source of conflict and illustrate the values and beliefs of the writer. 
• Premature ejaculation and loss of erection are common problems in men. Just like with female orgasm, we should stop pretending that all goes well in sex all the time. Writing these problems into your story and still come out with hot sex can be challenging, but worth the effort. And, who knows, some of your readers may learn something from it.
• Ironically, sexual boredom in couples that that been together for a long time is also conflict. How will they rise to the challenge and make sex interesting? Will they be able to light their fire?

Internal sources of conflict

As I was writing my novels, I realized that internal conflict is the most beautiful kind of conflict. It is subtle and challenging to write, but if the protagonist is to change at the end of the story it would be through some kind of inner struggle. A writer who can show inner conflict will demonstrate his ability to understand the finest aspects of human nature. Fortunately, sex is one of the most common sources of inner conflict.

• Pent-up sexual desire. He had wanted her so bad, and now he is about to have her. Will this be a dream come true? Will he be disappointed? Or is his desire so crazy that he will spoil his chance?
• Internalized sexual repression or homophobia. Even these days, a lot of people have to struggle with these problems, particularly at the age of sexual awakening. Sexual shame and guilt surface unwanted and can become a major problem. Confronting them can lead to a spectacular transformation of our protagonist.
• Guilt. The protagonist may be doing something wrong, like cheating, so the guilt may be warranted but in conflict with a strong sexual attraction. The fact that he is willing to transgress illustrates to the reader how strong is his desire. Or, instead, the guilt may be irrational and anchored in her past, as I did in this passage from my first novel. 
• Shame very often accompanies sex. In the process of confronting it, the protagonist may learn something valuable about herself, about her partner and about sex.
• Disgust. I once dated a woman who had had her left leg amputated. She was very attractive, but the first time we had sex I looked at her stump and it was not a pretty sight. She noticed my feelings. You bet that our lovemaking was full of conflict, of which I learned some valuable lessons. 
• Prior sexual trauma. Unfortunately, this is more common than it is usually recognized. Anxiety and even panic attacks can show up during sex. Here is a great opportunity to show how empathy and compassion can be used to deal with these difficult situations. 

If your story is long fiction, perhaps a novel, it will be a good idea to interweave problems that are external, in the relationship and internal to create a beautiful tapestry of interrelated conflicts to drive the plot. After all, this is what happens in real life: the environment affects the relationship, and trouble in the couple awaken old problems and drive inner struggles.

Do not worry, adding conflict to your story will make it hotter. Taken by itself, sex is just pure mechanics. Even the kinkiest act is just a simple combination of body parts and motions. When sex becomes really exciting is when it means something, when it carries with it a lot of emotional baggage. This is what makes an erotic story exciting, and not boring.