How to recognize abuse in BDSM relationships

One of the key issues in BDSM has always been how to distinguish a healthy BDSM relationship from one based on abuse and exploitation. To do that, an agreement was reached back in the 80s based on the three criteria of “safe, sane and consensual” (SSC). This means that there should be no serious physical injuries (safe), there should be no emotional manipulation (sane), and that everything that happens should have the consent of the participants (consensual). Later come other formulations, like “risk-aware consensual kink” (RACK), but in my opinion they lack the simplicity and directness of SSC.

There are also techniques that ensure that a BDSM scene is SSC. Negotiation consists of a discussion of the things that will happen in a BDSM scene, done as equals and with a spirit of honesty, respect and open communication. During the negotiation some limits are established: things that the bottom partner does not want to do or to endure. Often, limits are divided between hard limits, which are never to be crossed, and soft limits, things the bottom may accept in some circumstances or in future play. For example, sexual intercourse can be a hard or a soft limit. Importantly, SSC means that consent can be withdrawn at any time during a BDSM scene. The bottom may simply say “no” or “stop” but, since these may be uttered in the screams in a scene, a safeword is used instead. This is a word agreed during negotiation which is used by the bottom to stop the kinky play in an unambiguous way. A lot of people and BDSM organizations use “red”  as a safeword, sometimes using “yellow” to ask for the intensity of the scene to be decreased without stopping the action altogether, like in a traffic light. The safeword complements the limits by providing a way to stop something unexpected or that causes unbearable feelings. Some BDSMers do not like to use a safeword because they have other ways of communicating when there is a problem. Other objections to the use of a safeword are that the bottom may be in a state of mind in which it is impossible to say it, or that it can be an excuse for the Top not to check on the bottom. Evidently, a safeword is meant to be used as a safety device in addition to all other precautions that can be taken to ensure that the play is SSC.

BDSM can be practiced in some extreme forms and still be SSC. In full-time or 24/7 BDSM there are no scenes, the Dominant and the submissive are in-role all the time in their relationship. This means that there are rules that the submissive has to follow all the time or else be punished, and that the Dominant can always demand obedience and servitude. For some people in this type of relationship, Dominant and submissive are not roles that they play but it is who they are. Another extreme form of BDSM is “consensual non-consent”, which varies from pretending that the Top is doing something that the bottom does not accept, to accepting being ordered, hit or used sexually by the Top at his or her whim. I mention these extreme forms of BDSM to point out that they are not abusive, as long as they have been previously negotiated and mutually accepted without any form of coercion. In particular, everybody should be able to leave the relationship or to re-negotiate its terms.

Despite all this, it is unfortunately true that BDSM lends itself to facilitate and hide abuse. First, there are some myths in BDSM culture that undermine SSC and promote exploitation. Here are a few examples of these myths: that dominance and submission are valuable by themselves; that a “true submissive” must obey the Dominant unquestionably; that limits are meant to be overcome, or that a BDSM relationship must progress to 24/7 or consensual non-consent. Second, the lack of acceptance of BDSM makes it difficult for victims to denounce abuse, because that would entail to come out as practicing BDSM and therefore risking being victimized again by society. Conversely, some people are intent to label healthy BDSM relationships as abusive for ideological reasons, ranging from social conservatism to some puritanical forms of feminism. Because of this, I think it is crucial to discuss the different ways in which BDSM can be used as a pretext for abuse, emotional control and exploitation. I am not going to talk about rape or physical sexual abuse, which are hideous but easily identifiable, but about more devious forms of abuse based on psychological manipulation and the subversion of common BDSM practices. Of course, emotional abuse can happen in both BDSM and vanilla relationships, and it is not more common in kink.

I have tried to use gender-neutral language as much as possible; otherwise, I alternate between genders. Although is statistically more frequent that the abuser is male and the victim is female, abuse can occur in all kinds of gender combinations. Also, I alternate between referring to Dominant and submissives (which implies a Dominance/submission or DS relationship) and Tops and bottom (implying a sadomasochist or SM relationship). There are peculiarities to different gender combinations (for example, femdom, gay BDSM, lesbian BDSM, etc.), and to DS and SM relationships, but it would be too complicated to discuss them here.

Here is a list of ways in which abuse may occur in BDSM relationships.

1.      Jealousy and possessiveness are often at the core of abuse. A lot of violence in couples, even murder, is motivated by jealousy. Dominance-submission forms a perfect cover for possessive relationships because it normalizes control by one partner and surrender by the other. Hence, the difference between a healthy and an abusive relationship can be hard to tell for people outside of it. One clue could be found in how the dominant reacts to the social environment of the submissive. Continuous suspicion and using dominance as an excuse for exaggerated control over most aspects of life should be other warning signs. For example, demanding access to your cell phone is a sign of unwarranted control and intrusion in your privacy. In the specific context of BDSM, an abuser will seek to bypass SSC and subvert BDSM practices to achieve emotional control. This is the common characteristic of the next points.  

2.      Not respecting limits. An abusive Top may consider limits as a personal challenge and set to work to undermine them. This is often rationalized as the need for the submissive to “grow” in order to experience BDSM more deeply. In reality, the abuser sees your limits as an impediment to the absolute control he wants to exercise over you. He will consider overcoming your limits as a personal success.

3.      Objecting to a safeword. Abusers often take advantage of the controversy around safewords (mentioned above) to discourage the bottom from using them. Another common strategy is to agree to use a safeword but making it clear that the submissive will be punished for using it. The punishment may consist in stopping the scene and refusing to go back to it, a measure that is unnecessary unless the bottom asks for it. The Top may also become unkind, passive-aggressive or outright angry. In extreme cases, she may berate or reject the submissive. 

4.      Adopting extreme forms of BDSM. To maximize their control, abusers may try to quickly escalate relationships to 24/7 or consensual non-consent. This is rationalized as the myth that these type of relationships are the truest form of BDSM, or that they are somehow more desirable because they would make the submissive happier or more prestigious in the BDSM community. The reality is quite different: 24/7 and consensual non-consent are relatively uncommon and are reached after a couple has gone through a long evolution in their practice. They are never assumed casually. Another difference is that 24/7 is most often practiced by monogamous couples that are deeply committed to each other, whereas an abuser may try to impose 24/7 on multiple partners simultaneously, creating what is called a “stable” of submissives. Of course, polyamory is very common in BDSM, what is uncommon is 24/7 relationships with multiple partners. An honest 24/7 relationship is very demanding for the Dominant, who has to continuously interact with the submissive so that she gets something in exchange for her surrender. An abuser, however, will neglect the submissive once he has obtained the control and exclusivity that he desires.

5.      Secrets. An abuser may demand that you keep complete secrecy of what happens between you and him, perhaps with the excuse of protecting your privacy or under the fear that your BDSM relationship would not be understood by your family and friends. That deprives you of seeking advice and contrasting what he does with what other people do. Of course, it is reasonable to ask that some intimate things remain private, but excessive secrecy should be a warning sign.

6.      Exaggerations and lies. Abusers are not usually honest people, they surround themselves by a thick net of exaggerations, half-truths and outright lies. That serves to hide who they really are and to inflate their ego. He will make you believe that he is an attractive man, that many women are after him, that you are very lucky in that he has chosen you, and that you will lose big time if he leaves you. Narcissism and low self-esteem are often at the root of the need for control that drives manipulative behavior.

7.      Encouraging lying and other bad behavior. Eventually, the abuser will try to make you an accomplice of his lies. It is very easy to progress from asking you to keep a secret to making you lie to protect that secret. The abuser may also enlist your cooperation in abusing other people. This would make you feel special, that you have progressed to his inner circle, unlike all those submissive losers that crave his attention. If this creates feelings of guilt and shame in you, they will only serve to encourage you to accept the abuser’s rationalizations. This way, your own bad behavior will cause you to become more entrapped in the abuser’s web of lies and self-aggrandizement.

8.      Blaming and shaming. The worst abuser is the one who most adeptly uses psychological manipulation methods to control you. Guilt and shame are very powerful emotions that can be used for emotional control. A common tactic is for the abuser to cast himself as the victim, especially if you are trying to leave him. She may tell you how much you have hurt her feelings and how cruel you are for doing so. If you apologize, as most people would do, this would only serve to start a dynamic in which you continually have to atone for your fault. You find yourself constantly on the defensive. Your behavior is always questioned, but never his. Of course, all of this may happen in vanilla relationships, but in BDSM there is the added element that you are supposed to be submissive, to give yourself completely to the Dom. Submission becomes an obligation, something that defines your value as a person, instead of being a choice that you make for your own reasons.

9.      Drug abuse. It is a widely held belief in the BDSM community that drug use should be avoided in a BDSM scene. Personally, I make an exception for the use of cannabis by my bottom when I have been playing with her for many years, because this enhances her experience. Still, I believe that the Top should refrain from consuming drugs and alcohol before or during a scene, because he needs a clear mind to ensure safety and consent. A submissive that is inebriated or high on drugs may be unable to give consent and process pain sensations and strong emotions. This is particularly true for opioids and stimulant drugs like cocaine and amphetamines. Needless to say, inducing a submissive to take drugs would be an easy way for an abuser to gain complete control over her by decreasing her critical ability and weakening her will.

10.  Attacks to other people. "If you want to know how your boyfriend will treat you, see how he treats his mother," says popular wisdom. You may find that your new Dom is prone to road rage, starting flame wars on the internet and other violent behavior. That should be a clue of how he is going to behave with you once the relationship settles down. The infliction of pain and the giving of orders in BDSM should be done without anger. The Dom should be in a state of self-control all the time. Otherwise, a scene can slip into a physical abuse before you realize what is happening.

11.  Social isolation is a technique widely used by religious sects. They convince you that your family and friends are bad for you, that they are to blame for all the problems you had before. A jealous dominant may use the same method by ordering you to break up with your friends and then surround you with his own friends, people who are loyal enough to him to support his lies and gaslighting. Integrating into the social environment of the abuser deprives you of the referent of people who can advise you, putting you in a situation of psychological vulnerability. Sophisticated abusers interact with people who think and act like them, cultivating collective beliefs that justify the abuse.

12.  Taking control of your life: money, work, housing, etc. It could be a great temptation to go live with your Dom, let him support you financially or use his connections to get you a nice job. Especially if the Dom is wealthy your financial situation is not so great. You may have fantasized about finding your own Christian Grey, a powerful alpha male who will completely envelop you with his amazing power, providing safety and security forever. After all, isn’t this the common theme of countless romantic novels? However, this can be the biggest mistake of all. Not only this would increase your social isolation, but once your Dom is in control of your finances and living arrangements it may become practically impossible to break up with him. This would require a lot of external help from friends and family but, if he also has managed to destroy your relationship with them, what can you possibly do?

In this era of #MeToo, it has become fashionable to divide people between abusers and victims. Abusers are evil people who are irredeemable and should be avoided and ostracized, while victims are blameless souls who should always be believed and protected.  Unfortunately, life is much more complicated. Yes, there are predators out there who are unscrupulous, selfish and full of bad intentions. But far more common are people who are ill-informed, unconsciously possessive, jealous and mindless. And this applies to both dominants and submissives. Just like a Dom may become over-controlling and exploitative, a submissive may rush into a type of relationship that she is not prepared for, be it 24/7, consensual non-consent, a live-in situation or financial dependency. Which is to say, unhealthy BDSM relationships may happen more out of ignorance than malice. It is important to realize that extreme forms of BDSM are incredibly powerful and intoxicating, and can easily lead to psychological dependence by undermining your self-esteem.

It is hard to talk about these things without feeding into the narratives of those who want to condemn BDSM. Also, let me emphasize that 24/7 and consensual non-consent are legitimate forms of BDSM, that they can be practiced safely and enrich the lives of the people who adopt them. They are just things not to rush into, especially when you are young or inexperienced.  My advice is to practice BDSM by scenes, returning to your independent, autonomous self in between. Only after doing that for many years you should venture into extreme BDSM. Read a lot about it, integrate yourself in the BDSM community, make lots of friends, get a mentor who is not your Dom, and always stay alert for those who want to use BDSM to exploit and control you.

Sub Spaces

There is a lot of interest in the BDSM community on the “sub space”, a blissful state that it is said to be achieved through the use of skillful techniques of impact play, or rope play, or perhaps through masterful Dominance and unwavering submission. It is also assumed that sub space is mediated through the release of endorphins. In the past, I have pointed out that some of these beliefs are supported more by myths than by actual scientific evidence. Still, it is undeniable that bottoms and submissives achieve some remarkable altered states of consciousness, often followed by negative emotional states called “sub drop”. I would like to propose here that there is not just one sub space but several ones with distinctive, sometimes even opposing, characteristics. It is important to emphasize, however, that there is almost no scientific research done on masochists, and very little on the endorphin high and other altered states of consciousness produced by extreme exercise or pain. Therefore, what I am going to say here is highly speculative. It is based on my knowledge of pain neurophysiology and by drawing parallels between the effects of drugs and observations of the behavior of bottoms and submissives during scenes. I propose that there are at least three different states that can be considered “sub states”. I will point out their similarities with emotional states and with the effects of some drugs.

Adrenergic sub space. The most natural response to pain is the fight/flight response. In it, there is an activation of the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis that leads to a large release of adrenaline from the adrenal glands into the blood. This increases the heart rate, switches blood circulation from the viscera to the periphery, and promotes muscular activity. At the same time, inside the central nervous system there is a parallel activation of pathways that use noradrenaline as a neurotransmitter. Among them is a pathway that projects from the adrenergic nuclei of the brain stem (locus coeruleus, A5 and A7) to the spinal cord, where it intersects inhibit incoming pain signals in the peripheral nerves producing analgesia. Other noradrenergic projections go to the cerebral cortex, activating it and increasing alertness. In practice, when the bottom goes into this state she screams, struggles, stomps and laughs, while her pain thresholds go up. This sub state is characterized by analgesia, mild euphoria and high interaction with the Top. It is important to note that while the fight/flight response is considered a stress reaction, this is not necessarily bad. Some forms of stress (called ‘eustress’) are healthy and sought by many people in the form of roller-coasters, scary movies and exciting sports. I consider BDSM a form of eustress. A certain amount of eustress may be necessary for good health and can counter the nefarious effects of distress (bad stress). The adrenergic sub space is similar to the effect of stimulant drugs like cocaine and amphetamines, which act by increasing the availability of noradrenaline and dopamine at some key brain areas.

Endorphin sub space. This sub space also produces analgesia, but in almost all other aspects is the opposite of the adrenergic sub space. In it, the heart rate goes down, and activity and alertness decrease. The relevant release of endorphins takes place not into the blood but in some brain areas. The pain inhibition is driven by a pathway connecting the periaqueductal gray area in the middle of the brain with the nucleus raphe in the brain stem and then down to the spinal cord to block incoming pain signals. There are reciprocal inhibitory connections in the brain stem between the nucleus raphe and the noradrenergic nuclei (coeruleus, A5 and A7), so that when the endorphin system gets activated the adrenergic system gets inhibited, and the converse. This is because, while the adrenergic system mediates fight/flight, the endorphin system is related to freezing behavior, in which the animal becomes immobile in order to avoid been detected by a predator. Repeated freezing behavior and certain patterns of endorphin release have been shown to lead to learned helplessness, a dysfunctional state that decreases learning, reduces immune activity and produces several other negative responses. Therefore, endorphin release is far from being the panacea that it is cracked up to be. This is not to say that that endorphin release is bad. However, a when a bottom continuously goes into this state, the long-term effects may not be good. In practice, a bottom in the endorphin sub space becomes dreamy, in an emotional mist, stops screaming and struggling, and is less alert of his surroundings. He will respond to questioning by pleading for the beating to go on - what some people call the “forever place”. The endorphin sub space is similar to the effect of opiate drugs like morphine or heroin because endorphins activate the same receptors as these drugs, the mu and delta opioid receptors. Endorphins also produce the release of dopamine in the nucleus accumbens, which is at the end of what is called “the pleasure pathway” that mediates motivation and is activated by addictive drugs.

Serotonin sub space. This the sub space that is properly-named as such because, while the adrenergic and endorphin sub spaces are produced by pain and other sadomasochistic types of stimulation, this sub space is induced by the Dominance/submission (D/s) interaction even in the absence of pain. Surrender, obedience, service, mind-fucking and other strong intimate interactions with the Dominant  likely lead to the release in the brain of oxytocin and vasopressin, neuropeptides that mediate bonding. The similarity of this state with that produced by the drug MDMA (ecstasy), which also increases bonding, intimacy and affection, makes me suspect that this sub space is predominantly driven by serotonin release in the brain. Serotonin produces positive mood and counters depression. However, it produces mixed effects on pain because some serotonin receptors in the spinal cord increase while other decrease pain. The same goes for dopamine, which can increase or decrease pain depending on the emotional state of the individual.

Whereas the adrenergic and endorphin sub spaces are incompatible, it is quite possible that the serotonin sub space can combine with them to produce mixed effects. It is also clear that the noradrenergic, dopaminergic and serotonergic neurotransmitter systems vary a lot between individuals. That is why it is so difficult to fine-tune antidepressant drugs to each person. Therefore, sub space is going to vary a lot from individual to individual. A flogging technique that is blissful to one bottom may be hellish to another. An accomplished Top is not one who has perfected techniques so that they are going to work with anybody, but one who has learned to accurately read the body language of the bottom and knows how to adjust the scene accordingly.

Let me finish by addressing the issue of sub drop. There are at least two types of sub drop: one that happens right after a scene and another that occurs about two days afterward. The first one is likely the coming down from the fight/flight adrenergic reaction. After a strong activation of the sympathetic system (the one that releases adrenaline into the blood), the parasympathetic system kicks in, decreasing the heart rate and cutting blood circulation to the periphery. The result is that the bottom feels cold, tired and emotionally exhausted. A blanket, lots of cuddles and emotional support are the best solution. The second sub drop is similar to the one produced by MDMA and may be the result of the serotonergic or even the endorphin sub space. It is much harder to address, because the scene is long over and the Top may not be available for emotional support. It may even last several days. The only way to address it is to be ready for it and have some kind of emotional support system (friends, chocolate, a good movie, etc.) in place.

The take-home message is that things in the scene are not as simple as going into sub space and come out of it a happier person. The human brain is something incredibly complicated that we are just beginning to understand. By inflicting lots of pain, or messing with strong emotions like shame, guilt and submission, we are giving our minds some extreme challenges. It is hard to predict what is going to happen. The best course of action is to go slowly, pay a lot of attention to your body, and find the path that is best for you.

The virgin/whore complex

Some men dream about a woman that is pure and chaste. She has been waiting all her life for him, rejecting every man in her path until his arrival because he is her special one, the one she will love and cherish for the rest of her life. Once she is with him she will not flirt with anyone, not even look at them. She will protect her modesty and save her charms only for him. She is his virgin, if not in deed, at least in her deepest heart. She is also ready to step in the mother role, to build him a home that will be his castle, to take care of him and eventually of his children.

Well, maybe it is too much to be expected from a woman to be a virgin in this day and age, but a man can always dream… And, as a last resource, he can always invoke the old American Redemption Myth that permeates so many of the stories and biographies in the USA. It goes like this… A person is led astray by the “follies of youth”, tempted by sex, drugs and violence. She spirals down in circles of increasing degeneration until she touches bottom. Then she “looks for help” and starts a new life in a magical ordeal of rebirth - she is “born again”. That would be the perfect moment in her life in which her savior, the prince she has been waiting for without knowing in, can ride in wearing shining armor or a cowboy outfit, to “sweep her off her feet” and welcome her into her new life. All the mistakes of the past are forgiven and forgotten. Her virginity is magically restored by the soul-searching and the trials of her rebirth.

However, before making his glorious appearance into the virgin’s life, our knight-in-shining-armor or Malboro man has to entertain himself. He looks for “easy” women to have fun with. They are sexy, hot and funny and he likes to spend time with them. But in is heart of hearts he despises them because he knows what they are: they are whores, ready to fling themselves into the arms of any man. They are unworthy of him, they are soiled, they have lost their self-respect by pursuing the easy pleasures of life instead of the higher goal of Pure Love and dedication to Her Man. Of course, there is always the possibility that they would see the error of  their ways, repent and be reborn as virgins ready to devote themselves to the Just One Man ideal.

Occasionally, after he has settled down with his virgin, our King-Of-His-Castle can feel a pang of nostalgia of his careless past with the whores. He thought the virgin would be all he wanted, but now that she is running around taking care of the house and the kids she is not much fun anymore. She dutifully opens her legs for him every time he asks, but sex has become a boring routine. So, since “men will be men”, he occasionally goes out of his castle to find himself a whore or two. Or maybe he adopts a special one who is always waiting to take him on a wild ride when he feels like it. But let’s not get it wrong, everything has to be in its place: the virgin locked in the castle and the whore waiting by the whoring bed.

Things are no different in the BDSM world. In fact, there are some roles that fit perfectly well with the virgin / knight stereotypes. The submissive can be in fact a super-virgin, one that chooses to carry her dedication to her Master to heroic extremes by being ready to obey his every word and to be punished if she ever strays from the “straight and narrow”. And the Dominant can be the super-knight, the Daddy who knows best and has no other desires than the well-being of his submissive virgin.

Do I really need to explain what is wrong with this picture? The virgin / whore complex is the manifestation of some of the deepest sexist reflexes of our culture. It is misogynistic because it negates the right of a woman to run her own sexuality, putting it at the service of a man’s fantasies and desires. It is sex-negative because it is based on repressing sexual desire and imposing a narrow normative of sexual behavior. Indeed, it reinforces the same old monogamous societal norms based on sexual and romantic exclusivity, and the labeling of “infidelity” as the worse possible transgression in a couple.

Yes, everybody has a right to live their kink as they please. If they opt for the most conservative versions of monogamous Domestic Discipline, that’s fine. But we cannot allow sexist, sex-negative and monogamous societal norms to be imported into the BDSM community and preached as the only valid way to do BDSM. The very nature of BDSM, the vast variety of its practices, lends itself to having multiple partners with whom to experience different forms of play. A desire for variety and experience doesn’t subtract from the intensity of the surrender in D/s; in fact, it adds to it. Furthermore, we shouldn’t take it for granted that complete surrender and obedience to a Dom is always wholesome and sane. The intensity of the feelings involved in submission makes it way too easy to manipulate them for psychological abuse, especially when coupled with social isolation in the name of “fidelity”. The best way of preventing this from happening is to be immersed in a kinky community that can raise warning flags when they are needed and provide advice to the submissive, and even the Dom, when things start to go wrong.

Panic attacks in BDSM scenes

Among the many problems that can happen in a scene, panic attacks can be a serious one, especially if the Top doesn’t know how to handle them. They are more common that you may think. Last month, during a talk I gave at Threshold (the BDSM organization of Los Angeles), I asked my audience to raise their hands if they had experienced a panic attack in a scene, either themselves or their play partner. About two thirds of the 45 people present raised their hand.

What does a panic attack look like? It happens more or less like this… The scene seems the be going well and is approaching its peak. Both the Top and the bottom are completely immersed in it. Then the sub stops reacting. She does not moan with each lash, doesn’t move, has closed her eyes and seems lost in her inner world. Then, all of a sudden, she explodes. The panic attack is characterized by an inability to speak - so in this case the safeword is of little use. There is also difficulty to breathe, uncontrolled moves, evasive gaze, crying and rejection of being touched. Inside, the person that experiences the panic attack feels extreme anxiety, terror, tunnel vision and inability to think and express himself. That state can last an undetermined amount of time, from minutes to hours. Returning to the scene is normally impossible and, in any case, not recommended.

What can we do when this happens? The first thing, of course, is to stop the scene. Discontinue immediately any type of painful or stressful stimulus. If there is bondage, it must be released immediately because physical restrain is one of the main triggers of panic attacks. If necessary cut the ropes with scissors or a knife being extremely careful not to cut the sub, who is probably moving unpredictably. If he is wearing a blindfold, remove it. Turn on the lights. Being able to see provides a strong reassurance. You should speak clearly with a calm voice, explaining everything you are doing, even if it looks obvious to you, even if the sub doesn’t seem to understand. If he is having trouble breathing, you can try guiding his breathing with your voice. You should warn her before you touch her, because sudden physical contact can be alarming for somebody suffering a panic attack. If you are in a public space, try to keep people from crowding the sub. However, if there is somebody around who is intimate with the sub, bring her in, perhaps she can reassure the bottom better that you can. After all, you were the one just beating her, remember? Encourage the sub to cry, which is healing and releases tension. Once the worse part of the attack is over, when the sub can speak again, you should give him  the option of talking about it or staying quiet to process it internally. Some people need to spend time alone after they suffer a panic attack. If that’s the case, your mission is to provide a safe environment in which she is not bothered or can hurt herself. Listen for any signs of danger.

Why do panic attacks happen in scenes? A scene puts the sub in an altered state of consciousness, and he may have a good trip or a bad trip. That state is normally experienced as something nice and enriching, but sometimes it brings forth traumatic experiences that pack such a powerful emotional charge that they trigger the panic attack. We call them “emotional land mines”. Paradoxically, endorphin release can produce the “freezing” state that is often the precursor of the panic attack. Animal studies have found that endorphin release can be triggered by uncontrollable stressors, so if the sub feels that she is losing control in the scene this can trigger the panic. Yes, endorphin release is not always a good thing. It has been linked to the “learned helplessness” paradigm, a state in which the person or the animal gives up and doesn’t fight anymore. Learned helplessness causes immune suppression, cognitive disabilities and a host of other unhealthy effects.

A person who suffers panic attacks is not crazy, neurotic or traumatized. The panic attack is just the manifestation of the power that a BDSM scene has to profoundly alter the mind. If handled right, a panic attack may even be beneficial in the long run. Mobilizing negative psychological contents allows them to be processed consciously, which can be healing.

I think it’s important that everyone who practices BDSM realizes that encountering a panic attack is a real possibility and to know what to do when that happens. It is even possible to prevent the panic attack from happening if we are alert to the freezing behavior that precedes it. When we flog or tie somebody, it’s normal for him to moan, complain and squirm. What is not normal is complete immobility in the face of pain. That is a sign that something is wrong. The Top should talk to the bottom from time to time. If she doesn’t answer, you should stop and look the sub in the face to make sure that everything is all right. There are, of course, people who prefer to “go inside” and not react to pain, but they should warn the Top during the negotiation that that’s the way they function. Conversely, I don’t think is advisable that the Dominant orders or trains the sub to be still and quiet when he experiences pain. Not only that would not let us detect an imminent panic attack, but it’s even likely to provoke one.

Altered states of consciousness in BDSM

One of the most fascinating aspects of BDSM is its ability to induce altered states of consciousness. Lately this has gathered a lot of attention in FetLife.com, but unfortunately it has also generated a series of pseudoscience myths and dubious techniques to induce endorphin release and attain that coveted sub-space. In this article I want to use my experience as both a BDSM practitioner and a scientist doing research on pain neurophysiology to shed some light on all this confusion. I must start with a warning: there is practically no scientific research on the neurochemical phenomena that occur in sadomasochistic scenes. Moreover, there are reasons to think that these phenomena are quite different from ordinary pain responses, so much of what I am about to say here is speculative. However, although at the moment we are not ready to talk about what happens in the brain during a scenes, we still can use scientific evidence to debunk some of the existing myths and set the foundation for some serious research.

A great book about consciousness

What is an altered state of consciousness? Consciousness is the fact of being aware of everything that happens, both in the outside world and inside our mind. Our consciousness flows like a river of experiences that forms the story of our lives. From our subjective point of view, our consciousness is everything. Of course, objectively there is an external reality unaffected by what we make of it. What I’m pointing at is that our state of consciousness shapes and colors the events of our everyday lives. The reality that we perceive is altered by the filter of our consciousness: it disappears when we sleep and takes an exceptional intensity in situations of danger in which our brain becomes more alert to our surroundings. The quality of our consciousness determines to a great extent our capacity to be happy. This is because our consciousness is shaped by our emotional state, which is able to make our world look like hell or heavens. Since the dawn of our species, we humans have tried to alter our consciousness by consuming certain drugs or by undergoing certain extreme experiences. BDSM is an example of the second. Of course, not every BDSM activity is going to produce an altered state of consciousness, but those which do will likely leave us an unforgettable memory.

Here I want to propose a classification of altered states of consciousness that can be reached in a BDSM scene. This classification is based on my own experience, on discussions with other people that practice BDSM and on my knowledge of neuroscience.

•    Endorphin release. Endorphins are a family of almost 40 different neuropeptides that are able to activate the same receptors as morphine and other opiates. There are four opioid receptors, three named with the Greek letters mu, delta and kappa, which decrease pain, and the fourth called the nociceptin / orphanin receptor, which actually increases pain. Apart from their analgesic effect (pain inhibition), mu and delta receptors induce a sensation of well-being or euphoria. In contrast, kappa receptors produce a state of emotional distress called dysphoria. Endorphins are released into the bloodstream from the pituitary gland, but this does not produce analgesia or an altered state of consciousness because endorphins in the blood cannot cross the blood-brain barrier to have an effect on the brain. The only endorphins that can induce an altered state of consciousness are those that are released by neurons inside the brain. In addition, it should be noted that endorphins are independently released in different brain areas , so that we cannot speak of a generalized state of “endorphin release” but of multiple states depending on where they are released. In any case, we can safely say that endorphin release during a BDSM scene decreases pain and induces a feeling of calm, relaxation and even sleepiness. The submissive turns his or her attention inward, disconnecting with the surrounding environment and entering a fantasy world. Endorphin release can be triggered by gradually increasing pain intensity in an environment of emotional support in which the submissive can absorb the sensations without having to give a response. Endorphin release can be monitored as a decrease in heartbeat.

•    Nor-adrenaline release. Nor-adrenaline or nor-epinephrine is a neurotransmitter that, like the endorphins, is released by pain-controlling neural pathways and produces analgesia. I suspect that many states of decreased pain sensitivity sadomasochist scenes that are attributed to endorphins are in fact generated by nor-adrenaline. As in the case of the endorphins, we shouldn’t confuse the release of adrenaline in the blood with the release of nor-adrenaline by some specific neuronal pathways in the brain, although both things often happen at the same time. Nor-adrenaline is released when pain is coupled to fear in a situation that demands a response from the submissive. There are inhibitory connections between endorphin and nor-adrenaline pain-controlling pathways, which ensure that endorphin and nor-adrenaline release do not happen simultaneously. Although both states produce analgesia, in other things they are very dissimilar. Nor-adrenaline release produces a state of increased awareness to external stimuli, which appear more intense. The submissive cries, moves, reacts. Her heartbeat increases. Nevertheless, this state can be as euphoric and pleasant as that produced by endorphin release.

•    Sub-space. The term “sub-space” is often used indistinctively to refer to any of the altered states of consciousness described above. However, I would like to propose that ‘sub-space’ should be used only to refer to Dominance-submission scenes and not to sadomasochistic scenes, that is, to states generated by pain. I would define sub-space as a mental state in which the attention of the submissive is completely focused on the Dominant and the feelings of surrender and obedience that She or He evokes. From the point of view of neuroscience, it seems likely that sub-space is related to the release of oxytocin, a “social hormone” that induces trust and bonding. It may also involve dopamine release in the so-called “pleasure pathway” linking the ventral tegmental area of the striatum with the nucleus accumbens. The accumbens is the site of action of most drugs that produce addiction, like the opiates, cocaine, amphetamines and nicotine. Serotonin, a neurotransmitter of complex actions due to its multiplicity of receptors, could also be related to this state of calm surrender. In contrast to endorphin and nor-adrenaline release, sub-space is much more than a simple reflex response. Instead, it seems to be an emotional state in which one enters largely at will and that is subject to many variants and levels. Achieving a deep sub-space may require a period of training, building of trust and bonding between the submissive and the Dominant.

•    Top-space is not mentioned as often as sub-space, but there is little doubt that it exists and is as important for the Top as sub-space is for the submissive. One of the things that make a good Top is to be able to read the physical reactions of the bottom and deduce from them his or her mental state. Both the Top in a sadomasochist scene and the Dominant in a D/s relationship have to focus all their attention on the person they are playing with, feeling empathy and establishing a tight bond with the bottom. Therefore, Top-space probably shares many physiological features with sub-space. Perhaps in it oxytocin release is accompanied by the release of vasopressin, another social hormone that induces feelings of possession and territoriality in males. In sadomasochist scenes in which the Top inflicts a lot of pain to the bottom, a substantial release of nor-adrenaline may occur in the Top because of empathy, which probably strengthens His or Her focus and control on the scene.

•    Sub-drop. Many submissives and bottoms complain of entering a period of low energy, apathy and dysphoria after an intense BDSM scene. This may be due to a withdrawal effect to the release of euphoric neurotransmitters during the scene. However, sub-drop may have more complex causes, because on a closer examination it seem to be different states that vary from person to person. Some people never experience it, while is quite strong in others. Also, there seem to be at least two types of sub-drop, one that happens immediately after the scene and that can be addressed with aftercare and another that happens two or three days after the scene and can last several days. It is important, I think, that we do not accept sub-drop as something normal and unavoidable. Perhaps the scene has stirred some deeply buried emotions from the past that the submissive should examine. Using the information that I gave above, the submissive should consider whether the scene has involved endorphin release, nor-adrenaline release or sub-space, and how sub-drop relates to each of this mental states. Perhaps this way we can start building up information on how sub-drop relates to the different altered states of consciousness.

We should not treat the altered states of consciousness that we reach in a BDSM scene in a frivolous fashion, like BDSM was just one more drug. After all, if all we want is to get high perhaps we should just take drugs, instead of going through the painstaking process of doing a scene. I think that altered states of consciousness in BDSM are valuable because of their context, that of a profound personal relationship between the people involved in the scene. Hence, it is not so much a question of whether we release this or that neurotransmitter, but of the meaning that the scene has brought to our lives… Maybe a catharsis, maybe the surfacing of psychological issues buried in our minds for a long time and that had been released by the scene. Maybe we have encountered a part of ourselves that we didn’t know before. More and more people understand BDSM as a process of self-discovery and personal transformation that enriches our lives and contributes to make us happier and self-fulfilled.

The seven elements of submission

Although much has been written about the different techniques used in bondage and sadomasochism, less effort has been put into systematizing the dynamics of a Dominance/submission (D/s) relationship. D/s is much more complex than the Dominant simply ordering the submissive around.  It begins when the Dominant and the submissive agree that they want to pursue D/s, but that is only the first step of a long journey. D/s develops slowly over an extended period of time in which both parties actively work to open up and gain each other’s trust.

Here I will refer to the Dominant as a man and the submissive as a woman for the sake of simplicity, and because this is my personal preference; however, all this can be applied to any gender assignation of these roles. Some of the things I say may seem extreme, even brutal. We have to keep in mind that a D/s relationship is a sharp departure from the principles that guide a normal relationship, such as equality, personal autonomy, independence and respect. These values are still present in a D/s relationship, but changed into different shapes by the fact that the submissive surrenders a great deal of power to the Dominant, so the relationship becomes inherently unequal.  The sub loses personal autonomy; and the use of pain, restraint and humiliation looks a lot like lack of respect. Of course, all of this needs to happen under the constraints of  “safe, sane and consensual”. Sanity is a particular concern in D/s, because these practices can easily lapse into psychological abuse. We need to be watchful for anything that harms the self-esteem and the core dignity of the submissive, or that creates psychological dependence. I will address these problems in another article. 

I propose here that a D/s relationship involves seven distinct elements: obedience, surrender, service, discipline, punishment, demeanor and mind-fucking.

1 - Obedience

Obedience is, quite simply, following the orders of the Dominant. This is the most obvious part of a D/s relationship: one commands and the other must obey. A good Dominant chooses very carefully which orders to give, taking into account the needs of the submissive and the development of the relationship. The submissive is a fully-developed adult living a complex life, so a poorly conceived order can wreak havoc in her life. On the other hand, if a submissive finds that she cannot follow an order, or that she must argue against it or use her safeword, her confidence in the Dominant can be undermined. A good strategy is to delimit an area of the submissive’s life that will be under the control of the Dominant; the obvious one being her sexuality. On the other hand, her professional life should be considered off limits for the Dominant. Also, the Dominant should not try to control existing relationships of the sub with other people if for no other reason that this will bring into the D/s dynamic a person who has not given his or her consent.

2 - Surrender

Surrender means that the submissive must be open physically and mentally to the Dom. A good place to start is for the Dom to assert his right to touch the sub intimately whenever and wherever he wants - her navel, her nostrils, her asshole, anywhere. The body of the sub is at his disposal to enjoy and to stimulate with pleasure or pain at his discretion. This physical surrender is accompanied by a mental openness in which the sub gradually reveals her secret fantasies, fears and desires. Again, sex is a good place to start, but this will naturally extend to other areas of her life. From his side, the Dominant should refrain as much as possible from judgment, because placing shame or guilt on the submissive would be a betrayal of her trust. She has made herself enormously vulnerable, and if she feels that her confidences are being used against her, her natural reaction will be to withdraw and put up barriers.

The ultimate surrender takes place during sexual intercourse. Here we must abandon all scruples: we are not having vanilla sex. The sub is not going to be made love to; she is not even going to have sex. She is going to be fucked, with all the overpowering and humiliating connotations that this entails. She may be rudely taken from behind, being denied the view of the face of the Dom. She may be tied up in a humiliating, exposed position in which she cannot deny access to the Dom, or even move to seek her own pleasure. She may be forced to view her degradation in a mirror. She may enjoy the fucking or she may dislike it, or both at the same time, at the will of the Dom. And, of course, she will cum only with his permission.   

3 - Service

Service means that the submissive works to please and satisfy the desires of the Dominant. While surrender is mostly passive, service is pro-active. Service also goes beyond mere obedience, because the sub needs to anticipate the desires of the Dom. From his side, he must be mindful not to inhibit her creativity by being over-controlling. Of course, the submissive needs to ask permission before performing the service, or should meekly suggest a course of action. Having a submissive well trained in service will allow the Dominant to relax and enjoy the D/s relationship without having to be continuously on alert to decide what to do next.

4 - Discipline

Discipline comprises a series of exercises by which the Dominant fully asserts his control over the body and the mind of the submissive. The most obvious way to do this is in a scene in which he puts the submissive through various stages of pain and pleasure until she becomes fully pliable to his will. Here is where D/s interacts with sadomasochism. Pain and pleasure both have the property of salience, which means that they impose themselves on our consciousness, forcing us to pay attention. Therefore, they provide the perfect gateway for the Dom to invade the mind of the submissive, unrelentingly asserting his power.

Yet discipline goes well beyond pain and pleasure, beyond scene time. The Dom will give his submissive a series of tasks and exercises that she must do in and out of his presence to train her submission. These can include, for example, sexual exercises like Kegel pulls or wearing a butt-plug; other forms of physical training; reading assignments; fixed sleep and wake up times; modifications in her diet; writing in a diary; working a certain amount of time with undivided attention, etc. For male submissives, chastity and control of erections and ejaculations are widely practiced forms of discipline. Although some discipline exercises can be unpleasant, they are not done for punishment but to train the submissive and develop her submission.

5 - Punishment

Punishment occurs because the submissive has to face the consequences of wrong-doing in the D/s relationship or in her life. The Dom may chastise her verbally, impose physical pain, or require the performance of an unpleasant task. This is a delicate subject because we live in a tremendously punishing society that from infancy exposes us to the guilt and shame associated with failure and disobedience. For this reason, the meaning of punishment has to be carefully defined from the start, emphasizing its healing value as catharsis and atonement. Many D/s-minded people find punishing or being punished erotic. This should be encouraged and developed. Indeed, in the context of a D/s interaction, punishment has profoundly fulfilling aspects. For one thing, it is a powerful way to assert the power of the Dom, which may fill the mind of the sub with awe. The other thing is the healing aspect that I mentioned before. With the help of the Dom, the submissive brings to the surface the guilt and shame elicited not only by recent misbehavior but also by wrongful deeds of her earlier life. The humiliation and the pain of the punishment erode those negative emotions, polishing and purifying the ego. It is critical for this healing process that the punishment ends with a time of aftercare, in which the forgiveness of the Dom encourages the sub to forgive herself. Any misdeed has been paid for and can be safely left in the past. The submissive can move forward in her life feeling clean, purified and free from guilt. She has accepted her weaknesses and witnessed the power of her Dom over her, and has become stronger as a person and better as a submissive. Paradoxically, by surrendering to the Dom, she can free herself from her inner demons.

6 - Demeanor

Demeanor means that he submissive learns to carry herself and behave in a way that expresses a submissive mental state. Not all submissives have the same demeanor; each one expresses in a different way what submission means to her and to her Dominant. Some submissives are meek and subservient, while others may be proud and bratty. The Dominant decides which behaviors are acceptable and which are not, according to the nature of their relationship. The appropriate demeanor emerges from the personality of the sub and is polished through training to produce a poise that conveys to the trained eye the depth and beauty of the D/s relationship. For example, one type of submissive looks down in the presence of the Dom, walks behind him and speaks only when asked. Another type of submissive may proudly lift her chin, challenge the Dom, stare at him defiantly and freely speak her mind. Different demeanors are equally valid; they simply represent different styles of surrender, service and discipline.

7 - Mind-fucking

Mind-fucking consists of mind games that the Dominant plays with the submissive to bring her to a state of defeat and surrender. It doesn’t need to be something complicated; gentle teasing is already a form of mind-fuck. However, the most intense D/s scenes use mind-fucking to bring the bottom into profound sub-space. This represents the culmination of the training into all the six other elements of submission. Mind-fucking requires creativity on the part of the Dom; it is here where he shows his skill. There are no recipes for mind-fucking. It needs to be tailored to the personality of the submissive, to her state of mind in that precise moment. A good strategy is to find her points of resistance, her inner conflicts, and then bring her face to face with them. To be successful, the Dom needs to give the sub his full attention, focusing completely on reading her. However, without the sub’s willful collaboration, the process will fail . Mind-fucking is not so much something that the Dom does to the sub as something that they create together. No matter how skillful the Dominant, it is impossible for him to mind-fuck the submissive if she doesn’t surrender to him or if she lacks the appropriate discipline to follow him in the process. For example, one of form of mind-fucking consists in making the sub choose between two unpleasant choices. If she is in a rebellious state of mind she may refuse the false dichotomy, sabotaging the process. Since mind-fucking brings out her resistances, inner conflicts and unresolved problems, it can entail a spark of self-discovery, a step in a process of self-transformation.

To develop the elements of submission takes time and effort. The Dominant has to gain the trust of the sub and carefully guide her through steps to develop each one. Accordingly, a D/s relationship is best conceived as training. The whole process should be very enjoyable and produce profound personal satisfaction in both participants. As often happens in life, what matters is the journey and not the destination…because, in fact, there may be no destination at all.