How to recognize abuse in BDSM relationships

One of the key issues in BDSM has always been how to distinguish a healthy BDSM relationship from one based on abuse and exploitation. To do that, an agreement was reached back in the 80s based on the three criteria of “safe, sane and consensual” (SSC). This means that there should be no serious physical injuries (safe), there should be no emotional manipulation (sane), and that everything that happens should have the consent of the participants (consensual). Later come other formulations, like “risk-aware consensual kink” (RACK), but in my opinion they lack the simplicity and directness of SSC.

There are also techniques that ensure that a BDSM scene is SSC. Negotiation consists of a discussion of the things that will happen in a BDSM scene, done as equals and with a spirit of honesty, respect and open communication. During the negotiation some limits are established: things that the bottom partner does not want to do or to endure. Often, limits are divided between hard limits, which are never to be crossed, and soft limits, things the bottom may accept in some circumstances or in future play. For example, sexual intercourse can be a hard or a soft limit. Importantly, SSC means that consent can be withdrawn at any time during a BDSM scene. The bottom may simply say “no” or “stop” but, since these may be uttered in the screams in a scene, a safeword is used instead. This is a word agreed during negotiation which is used by the bottom to stop the kinky play in an unambiguous way. A lot of people and BDSM organizations use “red”  as a safeword, sometimes using “yellow” to ask for the intensity of the scene to be decreased without stopping the action altogether, like in a traffic light. The safeword complements the limits by providing a way to stop something unexpected or that causes unbearable feelings. Some BDSMers do not like to use a safeword because they have other ways of communicating when there is a problem. Other objections to the use of a safeword are that the bottom may be in a state of mind in which it is impossible to say it, or that it can be an excuse for the Top not to check on the bottom. Evidently, a safeword is meant to be used as a safety device in addition to all other precautions that can be taken to ensure that the play is SSC.

BDSM can be practiced in some extreme forms and still be SSC. In full-time or 24/7 BDSM there are no scenes, the Dominant and the submissive are in-role all the time in their relationship. This means that there are rules that the submissive has to follow all the time or else be punished, and that the Dominant can always demand obedience and servitude. For some people in this type of relationship, Dominant and submissive are not roles that they play but it is who they are. Another extreme form of BDSM is “consensual non-consent”, which varies from pretending that the Top is doing something that the bottom does not accept, to accepting being ordered, hit or used sexually by the Top at his or her whim. I mention these extreme forms of BDSM to point out that they are not abusive, as long as they have been previously negotiated and mutually accepted without any form of coercion. In particular, everybody should be able to leave the relationship or to re-negotiate its terms.

Despite all this, it is unfortunately true that BDSM lends itself to facilitate and hide abuse. First, there are some myths in BDSM culture that undermine SSC and promote exploitation. Here are a few examples of these myths: that dominance and submission are valuable by themselves; that a “true submissive” must obey the Dominant unquestionably; that limits are meant to be overcome, or that a BDSM relationship must progress to 24/7 or consensual non-consent. Second, the lack of acceptance of BDSM makes it difficult for victims to denounce abuse, because that would entail to come out as practicing BDSM and therefore risking being victimized again by society. Conversely, some people are intent to label healthy BDSM relationships as abusive for ideological reasons, ranging from social conservatism to some puritanical forms of feminism. Because of this, I think it is crucial to discuss the different ways in which BDSM can be used as a pretext for abuse, emotional control and exploitation. I am not going to talk about rape or physical sexual abuse, which are hideous but easily identifiable, but about more devious forms of abuse based on psychological manipulation and the subversion of common BDSM practices. Of course, emotional abuse can happen in both BDSM and vanilla relationships, and it is not more common in kink.

I have tried to use gender-neutral language as much as possible; otherwise, I alternate between genders. Although is statistically more frequent that the abuser is male and the victim is female, abuse can occur in all kinds of gender combinations. Also, I alternate between referring to Dominant and submissives (which implies a Dominance/submission or DS relationship) and Tops and bottom (implying a sadomasochist or SM relationship). There are peculiarities to different gender combinations (for example, femdom, gay BDSM, lesbian BDSM, etc.), and to DS and SM relationships, but it would be too complicated to discuss them here.

Here is a list of ways in which abuse may occur in BDSM relationships.

1.      Jealousy and possessiveness are often at the core of abuse. A lot of violence in couples, even murder, is motivated by jealousy. Dominance-submission forms a perfect cover for possessive relationships because it normalizes control by one partner and surrender by the other. Hence, the difference between a healthy and an abusive relationship can be hard to tell for people outside of it. One clue could be found in how the dominant reacts to the social environment of the submissive. Continuous suspicion and using dominance as an excuse for exaggerated control over most aspects of life should be other warning signs. For example, demanding access to your cell phone is a sign of unwarranted control and intrusion in your privacy. In the specific context of BDSM, an abuser will seek to bypass SSC and subvert BDSM practices to achieve emotional control. This is the common characteristic of the next points.  

2.      Not respecting limits. An abusive Top may consider limits as a personal challenge and set to work to undermine them. This is often rationalized as the need for the submissive to “grow” in order to experience BDSM more deeply. In reality, the abuser sees your limits as an impediment to the absolute control he wants to exercise over you. He will consider overcoming your limits as a personal success.

3.      Objecting to a safeword. Abusers often take advantage of the controversy around safewords (mentioned above) to discourage the bottom from using them. Another common strategy is to agree to use a safeword but making it clear that the submissive will be punished for using it. The punishment may consist in stopping the scene and refusing to go back to it, a measure that is unnecessary unless the bottom asks for it. The Top may also become unkind, passive-aggressive or outright angry. In extreme cases, she may berate or reject the submissive. 

4.      Adopting extreme forms of BDSM. To maximize their control, abusers may try to quickly escalate relationships to 24/7 or consensual non-consent. This is rationalized as the myth that these type of relationships are the truest form of BDSM, or that they are somehow more desirable because they would make the submissive happier or more prestigious in the BDSM community. The reality is quite different: 24/7 and consensual non-consent are relatively uncommon and are reached after a couple has gone through a long evolution in their practice. They are never assumed casually. Another difference is that 24/7 is most often practiced by monogamous couples that are deeply committed to each other, whereas an abuser may try to impose 24/7 on multiple partners simultaneously, creating what is called a “stable” of submissives. Of course, polyamory is very common in BDSM, what is uncommon is 24/7 relationships with multiple partners. An honest 24/7 relationship is very demanding for the Dominant, who has to continuously interact with the submissive so that she gets something in exchange for her surrender. An abuser, however, will neglect the submissive once he has obtained the control and exclusivity that he desires.

5.      Secrets. An abuser may demand that you keep complete secrecy of what happens between you and him, perhaps with the excuse of protecting your privacy or under the fear that your BDSM relationship would not be understood by your family and friends. That deprives you of seeking advice and contrasting what he does with what other people do. Of course, it is reasonable to ask that some intimate things remain private, but excessive secrecy should be a warning sign.

6.      Exaggerations and lies. Abusers are not usually honest people, they surround themselves by a thick net of exaggerations, half-truths and outright lies. That serves to hide who they really are and to inflate their ego. He will make you believe that he is an attractive man, that many women are after him, that you are very lucky in that he has chosen you, and that you will lose big time if he leaves you. Narcissism and low self-esteem are often at the root of the need for control that drives manipulative behavior.

7.      Encouraging lying and other bad behavior. Eventually, the abuser will try to make you an accomplice of his lies. It is very easy to progress from asking you to keep a secret to making you lie to protect that secret. The abuser may also enlist your cooperation in abusing other people. This would make you feel special, that you have progressed to his inner circle, unlike all those submissive losers that crave his attention. If this creates feelings of guilt and shame in you, they will only serve to encourage you to accept the abuser’s rationalizations. This way, your own bad behavior will cause you to become more entrapped in the abuser’s web of lies and self-aggrandizement.

8.      Blaming and shaming. The worst abuser is the one who most adeptly uses psychological manipulation methods to control you. Guilt and shame are very powerful emotions that can be used for emotional control. A common tactic is for the abuser to cast himself as the victim, especially if you are trying to leave him. She may tell you how much you have hurt her feelings and how cruel you are for doing so. If you apologize, as most people would do, this would only serve to start a dynamic in which you continually have to atone for your fault. You find yourself constantly on the defensive. Your behavior is always questioned, but never his. Of course, all of this may happen in vanilla relationships, but in BDSM there is the added element that you are supposed to be submissive, to give yourself completely to the Dom. Submission becomes an obligation, something that defines your value as a person, instead of being a choice that you make for your own reasons.

9.      Drug abuse. It is a widely held belief in the BDSM community that drug use should be avoided in a BDSM scene. Personally, I make an exception for the use of cannabis by my bottom when I have been playing with her for many years, because this enhances her experience. Still, I believe that the Top should refrain from consuming drugs and alcohol before or during a scene, because he needs a clear mind to ensure safety and consent. A submissive that is inebriated or high on drugs may be unable to give consent and process pain sensations and strong emotions. This is particularly true for opioids and stimulant drugs like cocaine and amphetamines. Needless to say, inducing a submissive to take drugs would be an easy way for an abuser to gain complete control over her by decreasing her critical ability and weakening her will.

10.  Attacks to other people. "If you want to know how your boyfriend will treat you, see how he treats his mother," says popular wisdom. You may find that your new Dom is prone to road rage, starting flame wars on the internet and other violent behavior. That should be a clue of how he is going to behave with you once the relationship settles down. The infliction of pain and the giving of orders in BDSM should be done without anger. The Dom should be in a state of self-control all the time. Otherwise, a scene can slip into a physical abuse before you realize what is happening.

11.  Social isolation is a technique widely used by religious sects. They convince you that your family and friends are bad for you, that they are to blame for all the problems you had before. A jealous dominant may use the same method by ordering you to break up with your friends and then surround you with his own friends, people who are loyal enough to him to support his lies and gaslighting. Integrating into the social environment of the abuser deprives you of the referent of people who can advise you, putting you in a situation of psychological vulnerability. Sophisticated abusers interact with people who think and act like them, cultivating collective beliefs that justify the abuse.

12.  Taking control of your life: money, work, housing, etc. It could be a great temptation to go live with your Dom, let him support you financially or use his connections to get you a nice job. Especially if the Dom is wealthy your financial situation is not so great. You may have fantasized about finding your own Christian Grey, a powerful alpha male who will completely envelop you with his amazing power, providing safety and security forever. After all, isn’t this the common theme of countless romantic novels? However, this can be the biggest mistake of all. Not only this would increase your social isolation, but once your Dom is in control of your finances and living arrangements it may become practically impossible to break up with him. This would require a lot of external help from friends and family but, if he also has managed to destroy your relationship with them, what can you possibly do?

In this era of #MeToo, it has become fashionable to divide people between abusers and victims. Abusers are evil people who are irredeemable and should be avoided and ostracized, while victims are blameless souls who should always be believed and protected.  Unfortunately, life is much more complicated. Yes, there are predators out there who are unscrupulous, selfish and full of bad intentions. But far more common are people who are ill-informed, unconsciously possessive, jealous and mindless. And this applies to both dominants and submissives. Just like a Dom may become over-controlling and exploitative, a submissive may rush into a type of relationship that she is not prepared for, be it 24/7, consensual non-consent, a live-in situation or financial dependency. Which is to say, unhealthy BDSM relationships may happen more out of ignorance than malice. It is important to realize that extreme forms of BDSM are incredibly powerful and intoxicating, and can easily lead to psychological dependence by undermining your self-esteem.

It is hard to talk about these things without feeding into the narratives of those who want to condemn BDSM. Also, let me emphasize that 24/7 and consensual non-consent are legitimate forms of BDSM, that they can be practiced safely and enrich the lives of the people who adopt them. They are just things not to rush into, especially when you are young or inexperienced.  My advice is to practice BDSM by scenes, returning to your independent, autonomous self in between. Only after doing that for many years you should venture into extreme BDSM. Read a lot about it, integrate yourself in the BDSM community, make lots of friends, get a mentor who is not your Dom, and always stay alert for those who want to use BDSM to exploit and control you.

How to avoid hurting the one we love

Obscured by clouds. La Pedriza, Madrid, Spain (2018). Photo by Hermes Solenzol. 

It is quite ironic that the person who loves you more is also the person who is able to hurt you most deeply. Romantic relationships entail a great deal of suffering. And everybody thinks that this is unavoidable, that suffering is just the price you pay for love. But I think that it doesn’t have to be this way, that if we hurt the person we love it’s because we must be doing something wrong. It seems that when we reach a certain degree of intimacy we start allowing ourselves some behaviors that bring conflict and emotional damage. Then, perhaps what we should do is to learn to recognize those behaviors and ways to avoid them. We should learn healthier ways to love.

“Abuse” is a strong word. We neatly divide the world between abusers, who deserve our scorn and even jail time; victims, who must be protected and healed, and the rest of us, nice people who are neither abusers or victims. This classification works quite well when it comes to physical abuse, because physical damage is relatively easy to identify. Unwanted sexual contact is a bit more tricky, because social norms in some borderline cases are in a state of flux, but in most cases the line between consent and non-consent is quite clear. However, when it comes to emotional abuse there are no such clear boundaries. Whether a particular act is abusive or not depends on context, intention, how often is repeated, and how resilient or vulnerable is the person that receives it. Perhaps this explains why we hurt the person we love so often, sometimes intentionally, sometimes inadvertently. When it comes to emotional damage we all can be small-scale abusers and victims. Of course, there are real psychological abusers: those who cause emotional damage in an intentional or habitual way with the objective of bringing the other person under their control. Emotional abuse could be defined as any behavior that causes psychological damage, produces dependence, and decreases the self-esteem of the target person. It is based on breaking the psychological balance of a person using three key emotions, fear, guilt and shame.

Here is a list of some behaviors involved in emotional abuse:

1. Coercion is a demand that can’t be refused without bringing about serious negative consequences. One clear example is coerced sex; imposed, for example, under the threat of a fight. But coercion can be used to obtain many other things: going to a party, socializing with some particular people, choosing a vacation spot, how to decorate the house, or when to have children.

2. Threats are one of the most direct forms of coercion. They evoke fear to get what we want. In a couple, one of the most frequent threats is breaking up. This usually happen as a result of an unbalance of power, because one person values the relationship more than the other. It could be that she is more in love or that the relationship brings on advantages that he doesn’t want to lose. Sometimes, the impending threat of the break-up becomes an unspoken but powerful coercion. Other times this threat is just a bluff.

3. Frightening. Threats are just one way of using fear to control a person. Emotional manipulation can be increased in an environment of high anxiety created by actions like screaming, throwing things, breaking things, risking safety or breaking the law. The simple presence of fear creates an environment of oppression.

4. Blackmail is a form of coercion that consist in threatening to do something that the other person doesn’t want us to do if he does not comply with our demands. One familiar form of blackmail is the threat of telling about something. One clear example is “outing”: revealing that somebody is gay, bisexual, into BDSM, polyamorous, or any other form of sexuality not approved by society.

5. Emotional blackmail consists in using fear, obligation or guilt (abbreviated by the acronym FOG) with the goal of pressuring another person to do what we want. There are four types of emotional blackmail. The first consists in the threat of punishment. A classic example in couples is the withdrawal of sex or affection. The second type is self-punishment: the threat of harming oneself. An extreme but all-too-familiar case is the threat of suicide. A milder case is that sulking attitude when we don’t get what we want. The third type of emotional blackmail consists in engaging in acts of self-sacrifice with the goal of evoking guilt. These include all those acts of service that are done not out of goodwill or love, but to get something in exchange. The fourth type is perhaps the most difficult to recognize, because it consists in offering a price in exchange for getting what we want. A classic example is offering candy to a child in exchange for a kiss. In a couple, offering sex as a price may seem like a good idea at first, but in fact this is not very different from withdrawing sex when we don’t get what we want. It leads to the creation of a manipulative environment in which we don’t know why things are done.

6. Breaking boundaries. We all have things that we don’t want to do or want done to ourselves: those are our boundaries. In a healthy relationship each person defines what his boundaries are and respects the boundaries of the other. Problems arise either when boundaries are not clearly defined or when they are known but are broken nevertheless.

7. Sabotage. This includes instances of not respecting the work, family and social obligations of our lover. The most typical case is when a couple’s brawl leaves us so upset that we cannot focus on work. In this case the sabotage is involuntary and indirect. A step up from that is when somebody has so little respect for their partner that he gives no consideration to her work schedule or the time he needs to devote to family and friends. Time and attention can be misappropriated, for example, by forcing dates or phone conversations at inopportune times. In the more extreme cases of abuse, the abuser directly interferes with the work or social environment of the victim with the clear goal of undermining them. I know a case of a husband who called her wife’s boss to tell him the she was quitting the job, which of course was not her intention.

8. Lack of communication. Good communication is vital in any healthy relationship. It is hard even in the best situations, so it becomes nearly impossible when somebody sabotages it as part of a manipulative strategy. One example of this is the “silent treatment” (refusing to talk) or its modern version: ghosting in social media. Another is doing the opposite: talking continuously to create a “wall of words” that prevents the other person from talking.

9. Lying. Of course, the worst form of lack of communication is not telling the truth. Lying could be considered as a way of taking power away from somebody, because misinformation prevents that person from making the best decisions. Lying is considered the main offense in infidelity, but any form of lying or dishonesty is harmful in a relationship because it undermines trust.

10. Gaslighting is an extreme form of psychological abuse consisting in the systematic manipulation of the information that is provided to a person. The goal is to weave of a web of lies, half-truths, secrets and deceptions that creates a distorted view of reality. This is often done with the goal of hiding a situation of generalized abuse. Gaslighting greatly harms the self-esteem and may cause the victim to question her own sanity. The name comes from the play Gas Light and its movie adaptations.

11. Keeping secrets. The question of whether is okay to keep secrets from our partner is a delicate one. On the one hand, everybody has a right to his own privacy - some things are so intimate that we want to keep them from absolutely anybody. On the other hand, hiding some things that our partner has the right to know could be considered lying by omission. The most clear examples are STIs and adultery.

12. Invading privacy is the other side of that coin. Everybody has a right to reveal things about themselves only if they want to, when they want to, and how they want to. Even when we reveal something to one person, we have the right that this is not revealed to other persons without our consent. And even if there is something that we should not keep secret, that does not make it okay to use coercion to force us to reveal it. A modern instance of violation of privacy is to search a cell phone or a computer without the permission of the owner.

13. Complaints and criticisms. Complaining is normal. If something is not going well in the relationship it is essential for good communication to talk about it. But there are many ways to say something. When complaints and criticisms are made with the intention of evoking shame and guilt we enter the territory of emotional mistreatment. Problems should be presented at the right occasion, preferably with enough time to discuss them without feeling rushed. There should be no intention of hurting and offending. Quantity matters: a long list of reproaches is overwhelming and offensive. We should also pay attention to two bad habits related to this. The first is to be easily offended, so that whoever talks to us is kept on edge, having to constantly self-censor. The other is to present oneself as the victim, a common strategy of psychological abusers.

14. Shaming. Even more than guilt, shame is the emotion that damages most the self-esteem. Consider, for example, all the cases of homosexual teenagers that are driven to suicide by shaming from their parents, their teachers, their classmates or religious authorities. One of the most common instances of emotional abuse are degrading comments and continuous criticism. A extreme case of shaming is cyber-bullying: the harassment and public shaming of individuals in social networks. Another form of shaming is to berate people not for what they do but for who they are, like their gender, ethnicity, sexual orientation or culture. Here we enter on the territory of bigotry and intolerance.

15. Not apologizing. We all make mistakes, so we all should be ready to apologize when we hurt another person. A timely apology could mean the difference between a fight that is satisfactorily resolved and another that leaves scars for a lifetime. It could also mean the difference between a mistake done without malice or an act of deliberate abuse. When a person in a couple apologizes all the time and the other never does it, that is a sign that something is gone really wrong.

16. Not forgiving. Not accepting an apology can undermine the dignity of the person offering it and thus can be hurtful and aggressive. Of course, not everything could or should be forgiven. In fact, in many instances of abuse there is a pathological form or forgiveness based on co-dependency: the victim constantly forgives the abuser, even making far-fetched excuses for the abuse. A necessary condition for forgiveness should be that the deed to be forgiven has ended. We can’t forgive somebody who persists in the misbehavior. On the other hand, not granting forgiveness that has been earned can become emotional abuse when this is used to perpetuates guilt as a form of control. Maybe the right thing to do when something cannot be forgiven is to terminate the relationship, rather than to continue it in the climate of power unbalance brought by the feeling of guilt. A variant of this problem is when an apology is accepted but used later on, over and over, to remind the person of his past guilt. This is not true forgiveness, which means that the issue is closed and we have moved on.

17. Passive-aggressive behavior is an expression of hostility based on not doing things that we are supposed to do. It includes some of the problems that I mention above, like lack of communication, withdrawing affection, not apologizing, and not forgiving. But there are many other ways of being passive aggressive, sometimes hard to identify. Even over-politeness or extreme compliance can be forms of passive-aggression. By the same token, it is easy to accuse a well-meaning person of being passive-aggressive and it is very difficult to defend ourselves against such an accusation.

18. Social isolation. A common technique to create emotional dependence in religious cults is to separate a new follower from his family and friends. This way the victim loses the frame of reference that would allow her to escape indoctrination. A similar situation can take place in a couple when a person is separated from her friends and social environment, usually because of jealousy.

19. Social pressure. I may also happen that one of the individuals in a couple becomes completely surrounded by the friends and family of the other. Then, when problems arise in the couple, these people will have a biased attitude about them. Social pressure can also come from cultural norms that favor a type of person or a form of relationship. One clear example is sexism when society condones a man’s control over a woman’s behavior. Another case is when one person wants some kind of sexual freedom, like being kinky or polyamorous, and another person prevents it with the help of cultural norms and societal repression. We call this slut-shaming: harassing people because their sexual behavior infringes cultural norms.

I must confess that I have done some of the things in this list, but I also I had some of them done to me. Perhaps you think that you don’t do them just because you are a woman, or a feminist, or gay. Well, think again, you may be in denial. After all, even hard-core psychological abusers don’t see themselves as such. Is all too easy to rationalize emotional abuse as self-defense, standing up for ourselves, or even being funny. Most of us have been in a couple’s quarrel in which we have tried to scare or hurt the person that we love. If we need to fight, at least fight fairly, without being manipulative or cruel. We should raise our ethical standards and educate ourselves in all these different forms of emotional abuse. It should not be considered normal, even in its mildest forms. It leaves scars that undermine the relationship, setting the foundation for future fights, and even turning the relationship into something toxic. Moreover, when we engage in these behaviors we contribute to normalize them, making them harder to identify in cases of serious psychological abuse.

One of the worse things about psychological abuse is that it’s so hard to identify. There is a gradation between what is socially accepted behavior in a couple (but still wrong) and psychological abuse. Where our own behavior falls in that gradient depends not only on what our intentions are but on how vulnerable is the other person. It is easy to hurt somebody by mistake. Emotional mistreatment often becomes mutual in a couple. This may lead to a toxic relationship where victim and abuser are not always easy to identify. So we should be mindful that, even if we are being mistreated, this does not justify retaliating with emotional abuse of our own.

We all should examine carefully our behavior towards our loved one and carefully expunge any element of emotional abuse. When somebody opens their heart to us, this makes them extremely vulnerable. We should not betray their trust by using this vulnerability to hurt them or to exploit them. Even if we do it unconsciously, there is no excuse. If we want to be loved, we have to learn to love. And this consists in making the other person happy. Love should not hurt.

How to avoid hurting the one we love

It is quite ironic that the person who loves you the best is also the person who is able to hurt you most deeply. Apparently, romantic relationships entail a great deal of suffering. Everybody seems to think that this is unavoidable, that suffering is just the price of admission for being loved. However, I think that it doesn’t have to be this way, that if we hurt the person we love it’s because we must be doing something wrong. It seems that when we reach a certain degree of intimacy we start allowing ourselves some behaviors that bring conflict and emotional damage. Then, perhaps what we should do is to learn to recognize those behaviors and ways to avoid them. We should learn to love in a better, healthier way.

“Abuse” is a strong word. We tend to neatly divide the world between abusers, who deserve our scorn and even jail time; victims, who must be protected and healed, and then the rest of us, nice people who are neither abusers or victims. This classification works quite well when it comes to physical abuse, because physical damage is relatively easy to identify. Likewise, social taboos about unwanted sexual contact are normally clearly established within any given society. However, there are no such clear boundaries when it comes to emotional abuse. Whether a particular act is abusive or not depends not so much on the act itself but on context, intention, how often the act is repeated, and how resilient or vulnerable is the person on the receiving end. Perhaps this explains why we hurt the person we love so often, sometimes intentionally, sometimes inadvertently. When it comes to emotional damage, we all can be small-scale abusers and victims. Of course, there are the real psychological abusers, those who cause emotional damage in an intentional or habitual way with the objective of bringing the other person under their control. Emotional abuse could be defined as any behavior that causes psychological damage, produces dependence and decrease the self-esteem of the target person. It is based on using three key emotions, fear, guilt and shame, which are used to break the psychological balance of a person.

Here is a list of behaviors involved in emotional abuse:

1. Coercion is defined as a demand that can’t be refused without bringing about serious negative consequences. One clear example is coerced sex; imposed, for example, under the threat of a fight. But coercion can be used to obtain many other things: going to a party, socializing with some particular people, choosing a vacation spot, how to decorate the house, or when to have children.
2. Threats are one of the most direct forms of coercion. They evoke fear to get what we want. One of the most frequent threats in a couple is breaking up. This usually happen as a result of an unbalance of power based on one person valuing the relationship more than the other. It could be that she is more in love or that the relationship brings on advantages that he doesn’t want to lose. In these case, the impending threat of the break-up can become an unspoken but powerful coercion. It often happen that this threat is just a bluff. 
3. Frightening. Threats are just one way of using fear to control a person. Emotional manipulation can prosper in an environment of high anxiety created by actions like screaming, throwing things, breaking things, risking safety or breaking the law. The simple presence of fear creates an environment of oppression. 
4. Blackmail is a form of coercion that consist in threatening to do something that the other person doesn’t want us to do if he does not comply with our demands. The most familiar form of blackmail is the threat of telling about something. One clear example is “outing”: revealing that somebody is gay, bisexual, into BDSM, polyamorous, or any other form of sexuality not approved by society. 
5. Emotional blackmail consists in using fear, obligation or guilt (sometimes this is abbreviated by the acronym FOG) with the goal of pressuring another person to do what we want. There are four types of emotional blackmail. The first consists in the threat of punishment. A classic example in couples is the withdrawal of sex or affection. The second type is self-punishment: the threat of harming oneself. An extreme but all-too-familiar case is the threat of suicide. A milder case is that sulking attitude when we don’t get what we want. The third type of emotional blackmail consists in engaging in acts of self-sacrifice with the goal of evoking guilt. These include all those acts of service that are done not out of goodwill or love, but to get something in exchange. The fourth type is perhaps the most difficult to recognize, because it consists in offering a price in exchange for getting what we want. A classic example is offering candy to a child in exchange for a kiss. In a couple, offering sex as a price may seem like a good idea at first, but in fact this is not very different from withdrawing sex when we don’t get what we want. It leads to the creation of a manipulative environment in which we don’t know why things are done.  
6. Breaking boundaries. We all have things that we never want to do or want done to ourselves: those are our boundaries. In a healthy relationship each person defines what their boundaries are and respects the boundaries of the other. Problems arise either when boundaries are not clearly defined or when they are known but are broken nevertheless. 
7. Sabotage. This includes instances of not respecting the work, family and social obligations of our lover. The most typical case is when a couple’s brawl leaves us so upset that we cannot focus on work. In this case the sabotage is involuntary and indirect. A step up from that is when somebody has so little respect for their partner that he gives no consideration to her work schedule or the time he needs to devote to family and friends. Time and attention can be misappropriated, for example, by forcing dates or phone conversations at inopportune times. In the more extreme cases of abuse, the abuser directly interferes with the work or social environment of the victim with the clear goal of undermining them. I know a case of a husband who called her wife’s boss to tell him the she was quitting the job, which was not her intention at all.  
8. Lack of communication. Good communication is vital in any healthy relationship. It is hard even in the best situations, so it becomes nearly impossible when somebody sabotages it as part of a manipulative strategy. One example of this is the “silent treatment” (refusing to talk) or its modern version: blocking in social media. Another example is doing the opposite: talking continuously to create a “Wall of Words” that prevents the other person from talking. 
9. Lying. Of course, the worst form of lack of communication is not telling the truth. Lying could be considered as a way of taking power away from somebody, because misinformation prevents that person from making the best decisions. Lying is considered the main offense in infidelity, but any form of lying or dishonesty is harmful in a relationship because it undermines trust.
10. Gaslighting is an extreme form of psychological abuse consisting in the systematic manipulation of the information that is provided to a person. The goal is to weave of a web of lies, half-truths, secrets and deceptions that creates a distorted view of reality. This is often done with the goal of hiding a situation of generalized abuse. Gaslighting greatly harms the self-esteem and may cause the victim to question her own sanity. The name comes from the play Gas Light and its movie adaptations.
    
     
11. Keeping secrets. The question of whether is OK to keep secrets from our partner is a delicate one. On the one hand, everybody has a right to his own privacy - some things are so intimate that we want to keep them from absolutely anybody. On the other hand, hiding some things that our partner has the right to know could be considered lying by omission. The most clear examples are STIs and adultery.
12. Invading privacy. The other side of that coin is privacy. Everybody has a right to reveal things about themselves only if they want to, when they want to and how they want to. We also have a right that whatever we tell somebody in confidence is not revealed to third persons without our consent. Even if it is not right to keep some things secret, that doesn’t mean that we may use coercion to force somebody to reveal a secret. The most clear example of violation of privacy, unfortunately common these days, is to search a cell phone or a computer for information without the permission of the owner.
13. Complaints and criticisms. Complaining is normal. If something is not going well in the relationship it is essential for good communication to talk about it. But there are many ways to say something. When complaints and criticisms are made with the intention of evoking shame and guilt, we have entered the territory of emotional mistreatment. Problems should be presented at the right occasion, preferably with enough time to discuss them without feeling rushed. There should be no intention of hurting and offending. Like in many other things, quantity matters: a long list of reproaches is offensive. We should also pay attention to two bad habits related to this. The first is to be easily offended, so that whoever talks to us is kept on edge, having to constantly self-censor. Obviously, this gets in the way of good communication. The other bad habit is to present oneself as the victim, a common strategy of psychological abusers. 
14. Shaming. Even more than guilt, shame is the emotion that damages most the self-esteem. Consider, for example, all the cases of homosexual teenagers that are driven to suicide by shaming from their parents, their teachers, their classmates or religious authorities. One of the most common instances of emotional abuse are degrading comments and continuous criticism. A extreme case of shaming is cyber-bullying: the harassment and public shaming of individuals in social networks. Another form of shaming is to berate people not for what they do but for who they are, like their gender, ethnicity, sexual orientation or culture. Here we enter on the territory of bigotry and intolerance. 
15. Not apologizing. We all make mistakes, so we all should be ready to apologize when we hurt another person. A timely apology could mean the difference between a fight that is satisfactorily resolved and another that leaves scars for a lifetime. It could also mean the difference between a mistake done without malice or an act of deliberate abuse. When a person in a couple apologizes all the time and the other never does it, that is a sign that something is really wrong. 
16. Not forgiving. Not accepting an apology can undermine the dignity of the person offering it and thus can be hurtful and aggressive. Of course, not everything could or should be forgiven. In fact, in many instances of abuse there is a pathological form or forgiveness based on co-dependency - the victim constantly forgives the abuser, even making far-fetched excuses for the abuse. A necessary condition for forgiveness should be that the deed to be forgiven has ended. We can’t forgive somebody who persists in the misbehavior. On the other hand, not granting forgiveness that has been earned can become emotional abuse when this is used to perpetuates the guilt of the person asking to be forgiven as a form of control. So maybe the right thing to do when something cannot be forgiven is to terminate the relationship, rather than to continue it in the climate of power unbalance brought by the feeling of guilt. A variant of this problem is when an apology is accepted but used later on, over and over, to remind the person of his past guilt. This is not true forgiveness. We should move on. 
17. Passive aggressive behavior is an expression of hostility based on not doing things that we are supposed to do. It includes some of the problems that I mention above, like lack of communication, withdrawing affection, not apologizing and not forgiving. But there are many other ways of being passive aggressive, sometimes hard to identify. Even over-politeness or extreme compliance can be forms of passive-aggression. By the same token, it is easy to accuse a well-meaning person of being passive-aggressive and very difficult to defend ourselves against such an accusation. 
18. Social isolation. A common technique to create emotional dependence in sects is to separate the new follower from his family and friends. This way the victim loses the frame of reference that would allow her to escape indoctrination. A similar situation can take place in a couple when a person is separated from her friends and social environment, usually because of jealousy. 
19. Social pressure. I may also happen that one of the individuals in a couple becomes completely surrounded by the friends and family of the other. Then, when problems arise in the couple, these people would have a biased attitude about them. Social pressure can also come from cultural norms that favor one person over the other. One clear example is sexism, when society condones a man’s control over a woman’s behavior. Another case is when one person wants some kind of sexual freedom, like being kinky or polyamorous, and another person prevents it with the help of cultural norms and societal repression. This happens in instances of slut-shaming: harassing women because their sexual behavior infringes cultural norms.

Well, I don’t know about you, but I must confess that I have done some of the things in this list. Also, I had some of them done to me. Perhaps you think that you don’t do them just because you are a woman, or a feminist, or gay, or submissive. Well, think again, you may be in denial. After all, even hard-core psychological abusers don’t see themselves as such. Is all too easy to rationalize emotional abuse as self-defense, standing up for ourselves or even being funny. We should stop doing them because they really hurt that person that we claim to love. They also damage our relationship and gradually erode the love we seek. On top of that, when we engage in these behaviors we contribute to normalize them, making them harder to identify in cases of serious psychological abuse.

We all have been in a couple’s quarrel in which we have tried to scare or hurt the person that we love. We need to stop doing that, raise our ethical standards and, if we need to fight, at least fight fairly, without being manipulative or cruel. Emotional abuse should not be considered normal, even in its mildest forms. It leaves scars that undermine the relationship, setting the foundation for future fights and even turning the relationship into something toxic.

One of the worse things about psychological abuse is that it’s so hard to identify. In fact, I believe that there is a gradation between what is socially accepted behavior in a couple (but still wrong) and psychological abuse. Where our behavior falls in that gradient depends not only on what our intentions are but on how vulnerable is the other person. It’s way too easy to hurt somebody by mistake. Since it’s so easy to engage in emotional mistreatment, it often becomes mutual in a couple. This may lead to a toxic relationship where victim and abuser are not always easy to identify. So we should be mindful that, even if we are being mistreated, this does not justify retaliating with emotional abuse of our own. When emotional abuse has made a relationship toxic, the best solution is to break up. However, this can be surprisingly difficult to do because of trauma bonding.

I think that we all should examine carefully our behavior towards our loved one and carefully expunge any element of emotional abuse. When somebody opens their heart to us, this makes them extremely vulnerable. We should not betray their trust by using this vulnerability to hurt them or to exploit them. Even if we do it unconsciously, there is no excuse. If we want to be loved, we have to learn to love. And this consists in making the other person happy. Love should not hurt.