We Have Moved!

 The blog Sex, Science and Spirit blog moves to a new website with its own domain name

https://en.hermessolenzol.com/

It was time. The Blogger platform is getting outdated, while the new one, Wix, offers many advantages:

• A more modern and functional look.
• To be able to join the English and Spanish blogs in a single website, with the possibility of translating content using Google translate. 
• A blog classified by topic: Science, Philosophy, Sex, Kink, Polyamory, etc. So now you can go directly to the content that interests you.
• The ability to post video and audio.
• A forum to host conversations of all those who want to sign up as members.
• Pages for each of my novels.

This blog will remain open so that you can access the articles already published. Little by little, I will be posting all those articles on the new blog, updating them when necessary.

Comments are closed in this blog, but welcome in the new blog. 

G-Spot, Squirting and Vaginal Orgasms - the Controversy and the Science

 

The Skene or peri-urethral gland

The controversy: two views about female orgasms

The official version, defended by sexologists and other experts (Kilchevsky et al., 2012; Puppo and Puppo, 2014), is that there is only one type of female orgasm: the one triggered by stimulation of the clitoris. Although some women are able to reach orgasm during penetration, this is because the penis stimulates the clitoris indirectly with its movements in the vagina. The vaginal walls are practically devoid of the nerve endings needed to trigger an orgasm (Kilchevsky et al., 2012). The G-spot does not exist and there are no vaginal orgasms. Similarly, female ejaculation is a myth (Shafik et al., 2009); what really happens is that some women produce a lot of vaginal lubrication.

However, there is another version, the one told by many women who have embarked on a deep exploration of their sexuality. It is also supported by scientific studies (Jannini et al., 2010; Schubach, 2002; Thabet, 2009). According to this view, there are at least two types of orgasms, clitoral and vaginal, which differ in their subjective qualities. The vaginal orgasm can be triggered independently of clitoral stimulation through a point on the front of the vagina, the so-called G-spot - an abbreviation of Grafenberg spot (Schubach, 2002). A vaginal orgasm is often accompanied by a stream of clear fluid that is different from urine or vaginal discharge. Although many women are unable to achieve vaginal orgasms at first, they can be trained to do so by sensitizing the G-spot with prolonged finger massage.

Who is right? Well, there is plenty of evidence to consider.

Orgasms vary widely among women

But first let me start by saying that women vary enormously in their sexual response (Prause et al., 2016). Many women find it difficult to achieve orgasm with anything other than clitoral stimulation. However, there is also a large group of women who prefer vaginal stimulation, not only during intercourse but also by masturbating using fingers or dildos inserted into their vaginas. Some women cannot stand direct clitoral stimulation because their clitoris is so sensitive that they find it unpleasant or even painful. For other women it is the opposite: their clitoris is a bit insensitive while their vagina provides a much more reliable source of pleasure.

Ideology seeps into sex research

In fact, the G-spot and female ejaculation have been known since ancient times in numerous cultures (Korda et al., 2010). They are described by Taoist texts of the 4^th century, in the Hindu Kamasutra and, in the Western world, by Aristotle and Galen. So why is there such a big controversy regarding its existence?

The reason is ideological. In 1976 the American feminist Shere Hite published The Hite Report, which became a best-seller. Based on informal questionnaires, it argued that the best way for women to reach orgasm is to masturbate by touching the clitoris and that internal stimulation of the vagina is not necessary. This was embraced by a group of radical feminists who viewed penis-in-vagina intercourse as a form of male domination. Some, following the writings of Andrea Dworkin, even went to the extreme of saying that “penetration is rape”.

This triggered vicious criticism of previous works on the female orgasm. Dr. Grafenberg was called a sexist and accused of having invented the G-spot in order to convince women to practice vaginal intercourse, thus relegating them to the roles of reproducers and providers of male pleasure.

Sigmund Freud was also called a sexist because in his “Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality” he sustained that only women who had reached psychosexual maturity were able to enjoy sexual intercourse and that those who resorted to clitoral stimulation were immature. Thus, he was the first to categorize women as clitoral or vaginal. Of course, saying that women who prefer to stimulate their clitoris are immature is nonsense, but so is denying the existence of women who prefer vaginal stimulation.

Fortunately, sanity was eventually brought back by a new wave of sex-positive feminists who consider it worthwhile to derive pleasure from different types of sex. However, sexologists are still reluctant to talk about vaginal orgasms for fear of being politically incorrect.

Evidence for the G-spot

According to an increasingly popular view, the G-spot is an organ located below the anterior face of the vagina, called the Skene glands or periurethral glands (Dwyer, 2012). Its physiological function remains a mystery. However, it seems to be similar to the male prostate (Schubach, 2002). During sexual stimulation, the Skene glands produce a clear, odorless fluid that is different from vaginal lubrication, which is produced by different glands - the Bartholin's glands - and is more viscous and milky. A detailed study of 50 normal and 125 circumcised (without a clitoris) Egyptian women found that 82% could have an orgasm by stimulating the G-spot, which in 66% of the women was found as “two small flaccid balloon-like masses on either side of the lower third of the urethra” (Thabet, 2009). A recent meta-analysis (a systematic review of previous studies) (Ostrzenski, 2019) concluded that the G-spot exists as a distinct anatomical structure and that it becomes engorged with blood during sexual stimulation. However, it is still debated whether the G-spot is the same as the Skene glands.

As for the claimed lack of nerve terminals in the vagina, it should be kept in mind that number of nerves does not necessarily correlate with intensity of sensation. Numerous nerve terminals are required for precise tactile sensations, like the ones in our fingertips, but not for diffuse sensations like pain and pleasure. Amazingly, women with spinal cord injuries - and thus unable to feel anything from the waist down - can have orgasms through vaginal stimulation. Studies using fMRI (Komisaruk and Whipple, 2005; Komisaruk et al., 2004) on these women showed that the usual neuronal pathways ascending the spinal cord were not necessary for orgasms because the sensations traveled from the vagina to the brain via the vagus nerve. The vagus is a nerve that originates in the brain and meanders through the middle of the body contacting all major organs. Its functions are both efferent (sending information from the brain) and afferent (sending information to the brain). Therefore, it seems that vaginal stimulation can trigger orgasms through the vagus nerve and does not require the presence of numerous terminals of the pudendal nerve, like the clitoris, which connects to the brain via the spinal cord.

Evidence for female ejaculation

I have witnessed female ejaculation on several occasions. I've also seen plenty of videos showing it, although these could be of women peeing. Still, 40% of women report ejaculating during orgasm, and 82% of women who report having a G-spot also report ejaculating (Darling et al., 1990).

In contrast to the vaginal lubrication produced by the Bartholin's glands, the secretion of the Skene glands contains biochemical markers similar to those produced by the prostate, such as the PDE5 enzyme (cGMP-specific phosphodiesterase type 5) and PSA (prostate-specific antigen). The prostate is a male organ that makes the semen, the liquid in which the sperm cells produced by the testicles are suspended. Therefore, the Skene glands would produce a semen-like fluid in women, so it would be appropriate to call their secretion "female ejaculate."

The problem is that the Skene glands are quite small and so they do not seem to be able to produce the large amount of liquid observed when women squirt. The same meta-analysis (Ostrzenski, 2019) that showed the existence of the G-spot also ruled out that it is responsible for female ejaculation. This has led to the speculation that squirting is really urinating, something called coital incontinence. However, there is evidence that female ejaculate is different from urine (Pastor, 2013).

In one study, two women who reported ejaculating during orgasm were thoroughly examined (Wimpissinger et al., 2007). Ultrasound revealed a gland lining the whole length of the urethra, and urethroscopy showed openings into the urethra. Biochemical markers of the prostate were found in their ejaculate, but not in their urine. This was taken as evidence for the existence of the female prostate and female ejaculation.

However, another study on seven women (Salama et al., 2015) reached different conclusions. Before sexual stimulation, the women were asked to empty their bladders, which was confirmed with ultrasounds. The same method was used to observe that their bladder filled up during sexual stimulation and that it was empty after squirting. Biochemical analyses of the ejaculate showed that it contained urine but also PSA. Before sexual stimulation, their urine did not contain any PSA.

There is a way to reconcile these two apparently contradictory results. According to this interpretation, in women who squirt sexual stimulation causes the Skene glands to release their secretions into the urethra. Since the exit of the urethra is closed by the sphincter, all that liquid is directed into the bladder, where it accumulates. At the same time, the kidneys keeps filling the bladder with urine. When the women have an orgasm all this liquid is released from the bladder as female ejaculation. Depending on how large the contribution of the Skene glands is in relation to that of the kidneys, the ejaculate will contain more PSA or more urine. This explains why both PSA and urine is found in the ejaculate.

Then, why do women ejaculate? It has been hypothesized that the biological function of squirting is to clean the urethra to avoid the urinary tract infections that are common after sexual intercourse (Moalem and Reidenberg, 2009). Another possibility is that this is just another signal that the woman has had an orgasm, which increases bonding with her sexual partner.

Conclusion

Based on this evidence and my own personal experience, I am convinced that the G-spot, vaginal orgasms and squirting are real.

I would go even further by saying that women are capable of many other types of orgasms: anal, from nipple stimulation, from spanking and other forms of pain, from exercise, and even to have full-body orgasms. But I will leave these topics for future articles.

Take-home messages

1.      Female sexuality varies widely, much more so than male sexuality. When making love with a woman whom you have just met, you should not assume that her sexuality will be similar to your previous lovers.

2.      Discarding vaginal orgasms because they are politically incorrect does a disservice to women because it denies them an important source of pleasure.

3.      Beware of the opinion of sexologists, especially if they seem to be ideologically motivated.

4.      The G-spot and vaginal orgasms do exist. If you have only had clitoral orgasms so far, it may be worthwhile to experiment with vaginal stimulation to have new sexual experiences.

5.      However, you should not become frustrated if you are not able to squirt or cum by stimulating your G-spot. Skene's glands appear to vary greatly from woman to woman. About 18% of women do not seem to have a functional G-spot (Thabet, 2009).

6.      Vaginal orgasms and squirting are different things. It is OK to squirt. It is OK to not squirt.

7.      Do not consider your sexuality as something static but something that can be changed with practice. Keep learning and exploring.

Is Sex Sacred?

The two opposite views of sex in our culture: precious and intimate, or without intrinsic meaning

Source

Far lack of a better adjective, I use the word “sacred” not with its religious meaning, but as something worth of special consideration. I propose here that modern culture is torn between two opposing views of sex, with opposing answers to the question in the title:

Yes, sex is sacred and deeply meaningful. It is the most intimate act because sexual pleasure and orgasm make us enormously vulnerable. Sex also establishes a deep bonding, producing romantic love. That is why sex is called “making love”. By making love, a couple develops a monogamous bond, an alliance that helps them to stay united to confront life’s vicissitudes and to care for their children. Therefore, sex should not be degraded by doing it outside a committed couple or for banal reasons.

No, sex can be whatever you want it to be. What matters is not sex itself but the meaning we attach to it. Hence, sex can be anything between a banal act for pleasure or a spiritual quest, as in the ancient discipline of Tantra. But there is nothing intrinsically sacred about sex; that is just a relic of sexual repression by religions and puritanical ideologies. Sex leads to bonding only if that is what you want it to do. In fact, masturbation is a sexual act that does not lead to bonding. Romantic love arises not just sex, but from mutual understanding, loyalty and commitment.  

Each of these answers leads to different views on some thorny issues related to sex, like the seven that I discuss below.

1. Casual sex

If sex is sacred, then promiscuity, one-night-stands, and other forms of casual sex should be condemned as a desecration of what should be a special, intimate act. We should only have sex with somebody after dating them for long enough to know that “they are serious about the relationship”. In the most extreme view, sex should only happen after marriage, after the members of the couple have made a strong commitment to each other.

On the other hand, if sex is not sacred then there should be no problem practicing it casually with somebody we just met and are not going to see ever again. Or to have multiple partners, friends-with-benefits or nostalgic sex with an ex. Sex is just one more pleasurable experience in life that we enjoy alone or share with other people.

2. Masturbation

Some people still consider masturbation as something dirty and unethical. A common occurrence is that somebody in a couple feels betrayed because his or her significant other masturbates. At the bottom is this is the idea that sex should be used for bonding only, so if somebody masturbates he could be bonding with another person in his imagination. He is committing adultery in his heart, as the Bible says.

However, alone sex is considered okay by most people today. Moreover, masturbating can serve to explore our bodies and find out what works best for us, leading to better sex with a partner.

3. Pornography

Radical feminists still keep the campaign against pornography that they started in the 70s. They argue that performing sexual acts on camera for the benefit of strangers degrades the body of women. This can only be true if there is something special about sex that makes it different from any other act. If this sexual act is able to degrade the porn actress, that means that there is something sacred in her body that is being corrupted. However, if there is nothing particularly special about sex, then doing it on camera should present no particular problem.

There is also the feeling that watching porn when you are in a monogamous couple is tantamount to cheating. This is similar to the problem with masturbation, with the added problem that there is one specific person that our partner is watching. However, if sex can be de-coupled from bonding, there should be no problem in experiencing pleasure by watching porn.

4. Adultery and non-monogamy

Taking it one step further, why is it such a tragic event when somebody in a couple has sex with somebody else? Hard words are spoken, tears are shed, divorce papers are filed. Adultery is taken as the ultimate betrayal, even though there are worse things that can happen in a couple (psychological abuse, economic exploitation, subjugation). When asked about it, people argue that cheating is lying, the breaking of a promise. But quite often lies are told and promises are broken without such dire consequences. No, the only reason that adultery is so bad is that so much meaning is attached to sex. Sex is considered such a special act, of such profound intimacy, that can only be done with a specially chosen person.

Non-monogamy in its various forms (open relationships, swinging, polyamory) deconstructs this deep value attached to sex. Our cultural conditioning is hard to break but, once we have done that, we can talk with our wife about her last sexual fling with the same joy and complicity as we would discuss the last movie she watched.

5. Kinky sex (BDSM)

Having sex by hitting somebody, inflicting pain, tying them up, or dominating them, seems to be completely the opposite of what we would expect if sex is a sweet, intimate and loving act. That is why a lot of people reject the idea of kinky sex. However, people that practice BDSM know that it is even more intense, intimate and stirring than vanilla sex.

For a lot of kinky people, BDSM fulfills a desire that exists besides sexual desire, overlapping with it only to a certain extent. BDSM brings them a satisfaction and joy much deeper than vanilla sex. The existence of such desires reveals that there is more to sex than couple bonding. Sex has to do with our darkest psychological compulsions. Furthermore, kinky sex can be transformative by producing altered states of consciousness and by bringing to the surface deep subconscious contents. Some people consider it as a spiritual path. Coming around full circle, sex becomes sacred again, but in a positive way instead of a negative, repressive way.

6. Sexual abuse and rape

Now I am going to venture into dangerous territory. If we assume that there is nothing special about sex, that casual sex with strangers is perfectly fine, then why is rape so hurtful? If sex was truly inconsequential, then being raped would be as bad as being beaten, but not worse. And yet women who are raped often develop a profound, hurtful and life-long trauma. (I am aware that men and children can be raped, too; however, women are the majority of the victims of rape.)

There are several possible answers to these questions. But first let me state unequivocally that nothing that I say is an excuse for rape or an argument for leniency towards its perpetrators. The first answer is that sex is, indeed, sacred or special, so when a woman raped something intimate inside her is damaged. The problem with this idea is that it would need to be reconciled with the view that sex is not sacred when we deal with masturbation, casual sex and non-monogamy. The second answer is that rape is hurtful because cultural norms have thought women that they should feel hurt when they are raped. A third answer is that sex is not sacred but that rape hurts women, not because is a sexual act, but because it is a special act of violence able to damage something deep in their psyche.

7. Prostitution

Increasing calls for the decriminalization of prostitution are still met with confrontation, silencing and lies. The main lie is that prostitution is the same as the trafficking of women. This is not true because 1) most prostitutes are voluntary and not trafficked (only 1 in 7 prostitutes is trafficked in Europe, see page 49 of this United Nations report), and 2) most trafficked people are not prostituted but exploited in other forms of labor. Moreover, the most expedient form to end sexual trafficking would be to legalize prostitution so that those that do not do it voluntarily can come forward without fear of being accused of having committed a crime.

Leaving aside the complexities of the issue of trafficking, what is the main argument against voluntary prostitution? It usually takes the form of one of the following statements. “Prostitution degrades women by objectifying their bodies.” “Sex is an act that cannot be bought and sold.” “Monetizing sex degrades both the seller and the buyer because sex is an intimate act that should not be tarnished by money.” These statements are all based on the idea of sacred sex. Massage, for example, is also a physical activity in which a person services another person’s body, but it does not have the stigma of prostitution because sex is not involved. If sex was not sacred, then there would not be anything in the prostitute’s body that could be degraded. Likewise, sex can only be tarnished by money if it is somehow sacred.

 

In summary, we must consider carefully what sex means in our lives. Of course, conservatives of various religious persuasions will always want to impose the idea that sex is sacred. But progressives do not have a consistent view about the meaning of sex, either. They  change it depending on the issue being considered, from casual sex to adultery to prostitution. We should think about this and reach a common understanding.

 

Racist eugenics once again: forced sterilizations of immigrant women

 

Poster art for a 1971 “Stop forced sterilization” rally in San Francisco.
(Rachael Romero/San Francisco Poster Brigade via Library of Congress)

It is a perfect storm combing many issues that progressives care about: racism, eugenics, reproductive rights, immigrant rights, private detention facilities, retaliation against whistleblowers and medical abuse.

To keep this short, I will summarize the basic details. If you want to dig into the evidence or get more information, the story has been reported by The Washington Post, The Guardian, CNN, NPR and The New Yorker.

Here is the story in a nutshell. Immigrant women with minor gynecological problems at the Irwin County Detention Center in Ocilla, Georgia, a private facility run by LaSalle Corrections, were taken to the Irwin County Hospital. There, they were seen by doctor Mahendra Amin, a gynecologist based in Douglas, Georgia. The doctor told them that they had ovarian cysts or other problems that required surgery. The women were given consent forms in English to sign, even though they could not read or understand English. Apparently, medical records were falsified to state that the women did speak English. Then the women underwent surgery in which their uterus or Fallopian tubes were removed, ensuring that they could not have children.

According to an advocate, one woman volunteered for deportation when she became aware that she would “lose her reproductive system” if she continued to be treated at the facility.

The story came to light when it was reported by nurse Dawn Wooten, who works at the detention facility. Nurse Wooten also complained of numerous dangerous practices related to Covid-19, including placing staff and detainees at risk of contracting the virus, neglecting medical complaints and refusing to test symptomatic detainees. She did not identify the doctor performing the surgical procedures, other than by calling him the “uterus collector”. However, the story was corroborated by private interviews conducted by The Intercept with three detained women at the Irwin facility, eight detainee advocates and a former employee. These witnesses identified the doctor as Mahendra Amin. The story was also confirmed by the organization Immigrant Families Together by speaking directly to the victims.

Through his lawyer, doctor Amin has denied the accusations, claiming that he has only performed one or two hysterectomies in the last two or three years. In contrast, the human rights group Project South claims that at least 20 women received hysterectomies in 6 years. This might be just the tip of the iceberg since the majority of detained women do not have lawyers or advocates.  

The US Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) initially stated: “ICE takes all allegations seriously and defers to the Office of Inspector General regarding any potential investigation and/or results. That said, in general, anonymous, unproven allegations, made without any fact-checkable specifics, should be treated with the appropriate skepticism they deserve.” Later, an ICE official stated to the media: “According to ICE data, since 2018, only two individuals at Irwin County Detention Center were referred to certified, credentialed medical professionals at gynecological and obstetrical health care facilities for hysterectomies in compliance with National Commission on Correctional Health Care (NCCHC) standards. Based on their evaluations, these specialists recommended hysterectomies. These recommendations were reviewed by the facility clinical authority and approved.”

Predictably, the repression has started. The whistleblower, nurse Dawn Wooten, was demoted. There are fears that ICE will rush to deport key witnesses, as it did with a woman who reported sexual assault at El Paso detention center. Representative Jackson Lee (D-Texas) just stopped the deportation of Pauline Binam, a woman who had her Fallopian tube remove at the Irwin detention center and who could be a key witness in the investigation opened by the Democrats. Binam has been in the United States since she was two years old and is under threat of being deported to Cameroon.

There is a long history of forced sterilizations in the USA. Many were performed following the doctrine of eugenics, which aims to improve the quality of the human population. Historically, this was done mostly by suppressing the ability to reproduce of people and groups judged biologically inferior. In the United States, this included Black, Native Americans, Puerto Ricans and Mexicans. These eugenics policies are not in the distant past. According to an investigation done in 2013, from 2006 to 2010 at least 148 female inmates in two California prisons were sterilized by coercion. This raises the suspicion that there is a secret policy to sterilize immigrants so that they cannot have offspring in the United States in the case that they are granted asylum or legal residence.

So, the question now is whether the forced sterilizations at the Irwin detention center were just the work of one rogue doctor or expose a secret racist eugenic policy of ICE and the current administration.

Please, keep paying attention to this issue. Do not let it be buried in the avalanche of awful news that is drowning us these days.

How to add conflict to your erotic story to make it more realistic and exciting

Drawing for the cover of my novel "Desencadenada". 

Let’s face it: most erotic stories are boring. The sexual images titillate us and that keeps us reading but, other than sex, not much is happening. You may add appealing characters, a nice setting and beautiful wording, but more often than not the reader will skip over the wordy parts to get to the good stuff. She is not interested in the story (because there is none!), just the sexy bits.

Most erotic stories are not interesting because they do not abide by the basic rules of fiction: there must be conflict, the conflict must drive the plot, and the plot must change the main characters in a significant way.

However, for many writers of erotica conflict is incompatible with sex because they think that conflict is the same as violence, and mixing violence with sex equals sexual abuse. And they don’t want to go there. Sex is supposed to be loving and peaceful, a way for people to connect. It should not be violent.

This is wrong on two counts. First, sex can be violent but no abusive. For example, in BDSM physical violence is combined with sex to make it more exciting. But, most important, conflict is not the same as violence. Hollywood has created this wrong idea by inundating us with movies full of fistfights, gunshots, car crashes and explosions. But, fortunately, life is not like that. And yet life is full of conflict.

This is particularly true when it comes to sex. In fact, most sexual acts have an element of conflict. We still live in a repressive society in which a lot of sex is done by breaking taboos, conventions, ethical rules, agreements with third parties, and even the law. Also, more often than not there is a mismatch between the desires, goals or emotional states of the participants during sex. Therefore, not only are our run-of-the-mill erotic stories boring, they are unrealistic because they offer an idealized vision of sex that rarely corresponds to reality.

In this, erotic stories are not very different from porn videos: the absence of conflict makes the sex unrealistic. Besides, if the appeal of our erotic story is based solely on sexual images, video will always be able to do it better. But if our story dwells into the experiences that happen inside the minds of the characters, we will be doing something that video cannot do.

There is also an opportunity to be educational. You can present as conflict a problem that you know how to solve. It could be questionable consent, homophobia, problems achieving orgasm, lack of communication, sexual shame, etc. The characters face the problem, experience distress, find a way to solve it, have great fun, and end up feeling great about the whole thing. Or you could write it in a dramatic key, showing how the inability of the characters to solve the problem leads to an unhappy ending.

Just like any other kind of fiction, erotica can be happy, dramatic or even tragic. It could also be written as humor. When you stop to think about it, sex is inherently funny, filled with undignified positions, embarrassing outcomes, and endless possibilities for slapstick accidents. The whole repertoire of humans emotions are brought into sex: joy, sadness, fear, surprise, anger, disgust, shame, guilt, indignation, disappointment, envy, jealousy, pride, empathy, compassion and, of course, love.

A critical decision is who is going to be the point of view character in your story. Avoid an omniscient narrator, that is, one who can move from the mind of one character to another. This distances the reader from the action, which is the last thing we want in erotica. What you want is the reader to slip inside the skin of one of the characters so that he or she can feel what the character is feeling. This is achieved using either the first person or a tight third-person narrative. Make sure to go frequently inside the mind of the character to describe her thoughts and emotions. Never create confusion about who is the point of view, especially at the beginning of the story. Usually, your point of view character is the one who experiences the conflicts the most and gets transformed at the end of the story.

And, please, don’t make your characters perfect! Only imperfect people can be transformed by what happens to them. Give them some flaws, this will also add some depth to them.

At this point, you probably have realized that there are endless possibilities to bring conflict into an erotic story. I list a few examples below. I classify them according to whether the source of conflict is external, in the relationship, or internal to one of the characters.

External sources of conflict 

The sexual attraction is so strong that these people are having sex against all odds and putting themselves in danger. Or maybe danger is the secret ingredient that makes sex so hot.

• Romeo and Juliet - the characters belong to antagonistic groups: families with ancient quarrels, nations at war, or opposing cultural tribes.
• The characters belong to different groups that make communication between them problematic, such as different races, social classes, political parties, nations, cultures, etc.
• Having sex in an unusual place where there is danger to be discovered: an elevator, a train, a plane, a beach, a park…
• Having sex in a dangerous place: underwater, in a rock-climbing route, in the snow, on a kayak in the middle of the sea, on a mountain top, in a dangerous neighborhood.
• The sex act breaks a societal taboo. For example, stories featuring incest, cheating, student-professor or boss-secretary relationships. Of course, you should consider the ethics of writing such a story and whether it may be targeted for censorship. 
• The sex is against the law. For example, a homosexual act in an Islamic country.
• Sex during a natural disaster: hurricane, earthquake, etc.

Sources of conflict in the relationship

Most couples have problems and those tend to surface when they have sex. And if the story is about casual sex, well, then the potential for conflict rises considerably, doesn’t it?

• Performance sex. Sometimes one of the persons wants a relationship much more than the other. Then sex may become an act of seduction to convince the reluctant partner that they would get a lot of pleasure out of the relationship. This creates a dynamic that can range from the comic to the tragic. 
• Problematic consent. I do not agree with the absolutist position that anything other than enthusiastic consent is rape. Ignoring the fact that there are borderline cases actually hinders the fight against rape. There are a lot of these gray areas and fiction is a great way of creating hypotheticals to explore the limits of what is ethical. Let’s face it, a lot of sex is not accepted enthusiastically and it is still OK. There is charity sex, service sex, sex to keep your spouse from looking for another lover, sex to get a job or a promotion, etc. Some of it is ethical, some is not. A story is a good way to get your readers thinking about it. 
• Jealousy and envy. A sex story may involve a threesome, in which case these pesky emotions are more likely than not to come up. How will your characters deal with them? Or will it all end up in disaster?
• Angry sex. A couple has a fight. Before the can make up, they are hard at doing it. In fact, the anger makes the sex even hotter. But how will they feel when they are done?
• Problems in achieving orgasms. There is much talk about the orgasm gap. All the cultural and political baggage that comes with this problem can be an excellent source of conflict and illustrate the values and beliefs of the writer. 
• Premature ejaculation and loss of erection are common problems in men. Just like with female orgasm, we should stop pretending that all goes well in sex all the time. Writing these problems into your story and still come out with hot sex can be challenging, but worth the effort. And, who knows, some of your readers may learn something from it.
• Ironically, sexual boredom in couples that that been together for a long time is also conflict. How will they rise to the challenge and make sex interesting? Will they be able to light their fire?

Internal sources of conflict

As I was writing my novels, I realized that internal conflict is the most beautiful kind of conflict. It is subtle and challenging to write, but if the protagonist is to change at the end of the story it would be through some kind of inner struggle. A writer who can show inner conflict will demonstrate his ability to understand the finest aspects of human nature. Fortunately, sex is one of the most common sources of inner conflict.

• Pent-up sexual desire. He had wanted her so bad, and now he is about to have her. Will this be a dream come true? Will he be disappointed? Or is his desire so crazy that he will spoil his chance?
• Internalized sexual repression or homophobia. Even these days, a lot of people have to struggle with these problems, particularly at the age of sexual awakening. Sexual shame and guilt surface unwanted and can become a major problem. Confronting them can lead to a spectacular transformation of our protagonist.
• Guilt. The protagonist may be doing something wrong, like cheating, so the guilt may be warranted but in conflict with a strong sexual attraction. The fact that he is willing to transgress illustrates to the reader how strong is his desire. Or, instead, the guilt may be irrational and anchored in her past, as I did in this passage from my first novel. 
• Shame very often accompanies sex. In the process of confronting it, the protagonist may learn something valuable about herself, about her partner and about sex.
• Disgust. I once dated a woman who had had her left leg amputated. She was very attractive, but the first time we had sex I looked at her stump and it was not a pretty sight. She noticed my feelings. You bet that our lovemaking was full of conflict, of which I learned some valuable lessons. 
• Prior sexual trauma. Unfortunately, this is more common than it is usually recognized. Anxiety and even panic attacks can show up during sex. Here is a great opportunity to show how empathy and compassion can be used to deal with these difficult situations. 

If your story is long fiction, perhaps a novel, it will be a good idea to interweave problems that are external, in the relationship and internal to create a beautiful tapestry of interrelated conflicts to drive the plot. After all, this is what happens in real life: the environment affects the relationship, and trouble in the couple awaken old problems and drive inner struggles.

Do not worry, adding conflict to your story will make it hotter. Taken by itself, sex is just pure mechanics. Even the kinkiest act is just a simple combination of body parts and motions. When sex becomes really exciting is when it means something, when it carries with it a lot of emotional baggage. This is what makes an erotic story exciting, and not boring.

The orgasm gap is a terrible idea, scientifically, personally and politically

I have wanted to write about the orgasm gap for a long time. However, the subject seemed rife with political landmines. As a neuroscientist specializing in pain and sensations, I gathered many scientific papers on sexual pleasure and orgasm. Female orgasms are so complex, so controversial and so ideologically loaded that they seemed impossible to tackle in a short article. Nevertheless, I am giving it a try, leaving a lot of information for future posts.

The ‘orgasm gap’ can be understood as two interconnected ideas:

1. Women have fewer orgasms than men during sex.
2. Men are to blame for this.

You may object, saying that the orgasm gap is only the first idea and that the second is a strawman. However, since its inception, the orgasm gap always referred to men as the culprits of women not being able to reach orgasm [1].

Although the orgasm gap is presented as a call for women being more aware of the inequality they suffer during sex and as the remedy to this inequality, I think that it achieves exactly the opposite by perpetuating some wrong ideas about the female orgasm and how to achieve it. Not only that, this idea damages feminism by increasing the divide between women and men.

The ‘orgasm gap’ idea is wrong scientifically

I am not contesting the idea that women achieve orgasm less frequently than men during sexual intercourse. That is a statistical fact [2-4]. However, an idea can be wrong scientifically even when based on fact: when it provides the wrong conceptual frame to understand a problem. The ‘orgasm gap’ idea does that by looking at orgasms through only one variable, their frequency, when in fact orgasms are complex phenomena in which intensity, quality, and emotional impact are as important as frequency. When we consider these crucial properties we come to realize that there is, in fact, another orgasm gap in the opposite direction: female orgasms are often more intense, more enjoyable and have a greater emotional impact than male orgasms. Of course, this second orgasm gap is not to be blamed on women but on some basic physiological differences between the sexes. This is not a new finding, people have been aware of it since antiquity, as I humorously pointed out in my article The Orgasm Gap According to the Ancient Greek.

Of course, if you do not reach orgasm at all it does not help that it would have been better than a male orgasm. Here we are faced with a third orgasm gap, one that exists between women: some women are multiorgasmic and cum easily, others are anorgasmic, and most are between these extremes with different levels of difficulty in achieving orgasms. To complicate things even more, the ease, frequency and intensity of female orgasms change through life, notably after menopause, but also depending on factors like childbirth, motherhood, emotional health and quality of romantic relationships. Emotions like anger, indignation and shame have a great impact on the ability to orgasm and orgasm quality.

The other way the ‘orgasm gap’ is wrong scientifically is in its second part. It discusses orgasms as something that happens only during sex with another person, ignoring orgasms achieved through masturbation. However, the inability of a woman to achieve orgasm through masturbation is a different problem that her inability to get it with a sexual partner. The first could point to a serious physiological or psychological disorder, whereas the second may or may not be caused by her sexual partner. By framing female orgasms as something exclusively related to sexual interaction, the idea of the orgasm gap may direct women in the wrong direction to solve their problem.

Approaching sex with an ‘orgasm gap’ mentality is bad personally 

Many people come to sex with a lot of emotional baggage. They may have grown up in a sexuality repressive culture that has left them filled with sexual guilt and shame. They may have been abused sexually. They may come from previous relationships with people that disregarded their sexual needs or that were sexually incompatible with them. And yet, for sex to be fulfilling, healthy and fun we have to leave that baggage behind and try for a fresh start. That may not always be possible, but at least we should be aware of our problems and not blame them on our sex partner. Here, an ‘orgasm gap’ mentality is likely to increase instead of remedy our previous problems. It makes women look at men with suspicion, which is a bad place to start. Even worse, it presents sex as a transactional act: “I give you pleasure if you give me pleasure”, when sex should be an act of generosity. A fundamental thing to understand about sex is that giving pleasure IS pleasure. Pleasure is not just the sensations arising from our genitals, is the whole emotional feedback, the upward spiral of ‘I enjoy that you enjoy that I enjoy that you enjoy…’.

In my experience, the biggest obstacle to orgasm is anger. That’s why I think the revindicative approach to orgasm brought by the concept of the orgasm gap gets it completely backward. If you start having sex with the frame of mind that you are going to blame your partner if he doesn’t give you an orgasm, most likely you are not going to get one. You may add other negative emotions to anger, shame and craving, for example, but nothing drives sexual pleasure away as effectively as anger. There is no amount of sexual expertise that can overcome those walls in your head.

If you are trapped in anorgasmia, the way out is in not to find a man that can ‘give you an orgasm’. Barred a medical or psychological problem, the path to better orgasms is creative masturbation. You should be able to give yourself orgasms, and in the process map out the places in your body, the touching, the rhythms, the fantasies, the words and the sounds that get you off [3]. Only then you will be able to tell them to your partner, so you can travel together on a landscape of pleasure. And remember, orgasms are only one more feature in that landscape.

Regarding men's behavior, there is an issue regarding female orgasms that has been ignored by the orgasm gap warriors. As analyzed in the book A Billion Wicked Thoughts [5], many men do seek to give women orgasms with single-minded determination. However, they do not do it in the spirit of good, giving and game (GGG) sex, but because they consider it an act of conquest, a personal achievement demonstrating their sexual skills. Here the giving of pleasure comes from the ego, not from a place of generosity. The ‘orgasm gap’ ideology encourages this, adding to the ‘making her cum’ ego boost the additional reward of being politically correct.

Genesis did a great satire of this attitude in their song Counting Out Time:

I'm counting out time, hoping it goes like I planned it,
'cause I understand it.
Look! I've found the hotspots, Figures one and nine.
Still counting out time. Got my finger on the button.
"Don't say nuttin' just lie there still
And I'll get you turned on just fine".
Erogenous zones I love you!
Without you, what would a poor boy do?

The ‘orgasm gap’ hurts the political goals of feminism

I have always defined myself as a feminist, but I look at modern trends in feminism with increasing unease. Some feminists seem to be hell-bent in starting a gender war. This is not new, of course. There is an undercurrent of misandry (hate of men) in some forms of feminism that goes back to the 70s. In particular, anti-porn feminism tried to condemn male sexual desire as inherently violent, exploitative and objectifying of women (culminating in the “penetration is rape” nonsense). I suspect that the ‘orgasm gap’ comes from this ideological current in a last desperate attempt to fend off sex-positive feminism. After all, this idea is consistent with a view of male sexuality as being inherently selfish.

However, if feminism is to succeed, it needs to recruit men to its cause instead of alienating them. And this is what the ‘orgasm gap’ idea does when it blames men from the sexual problems of women. Of course, there are some selfish men who only seek their own sexual pleasure. More often, however, men fail at giving pleasure out of ignorance and lack of skill. As the practice of casual sex becomes more common, pleasuring women is not an easy task because their sexual responses vary enormously [2, 4, 6]. And no, it is not as easy as stimulating her clit; many women do not like their clits to be directly stimulated. And yet some others do. Others vastly prefer vaginal stimulation and do not care if this is politically incorrect. There are submissive women who fall on their knees and beg to be used for your pleasure. I’ve met sadistic women who were much more interested in my pain than in their own pleasure. Every woman is different, so go figure! As sex adviser Dan Savage once said, sex should be like a five-page dinner menu where each person gets to pick their favorite dish, and then share it.

Just like in a relationship, sex should be the glue that binds women and men together to fight for progressive political causes. Including, of course, women equality. Tossing blame and shame back and forth across an artificially-created gender gap is foolish and counterproductive. Equality is not a zero-sum game, and nowhere is this truer than when it comes to sex.

References:

[1] E.A. Armstrong, P. England, A.C.K. Fogarty, Accounting for Women’s Orgasm and Sexual Enjoyment in College Hookups and Relationships, American Sociological Review, 77 (2012) 435-462.
[2] K.L. Blair, J. Cappell, C.F. Pukall, Not All Orgasms Were Created Equal: Differences in Frequency and Satisfaction of Orgasm Experiences by Sexual Activity in Same-Sex Versus Mixed-Sex Relationships, The Journal of Sex Research, 55 (2018) 719-733.
[3] D.A. Frederick, H.K.S. John, J.R. Garcia, E.A. Lloyd, Differences in Orgasm Frequency Among Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Heterosexual Men and Women in a U.S. National Sample, Arch. Sex. Behav., 47 (2018) 273-288.
[4] J.R. Garcia, E.A. Lloyd, K. Wallen, H.E. Fisher, Variation in orgasm occurrence by sexual orientation in a sample of U.S. singles, J Sex Med, 11 (2014) 2645-2652.
[5] S.G. Ogi Ogas, A Billion Wicked Thoughts: What the Internet Tells Us About Sexual Relationships.
[6] R. King, J. Belsky, K. Mah, Y. Binik, Are there different types of female orgasm?, Arch Sex Behav, 40 (2011) 865-875.

How to recognize abuse in BDSM relationships

One of the key issues in BDSM has always been how to distinguish a healthy BDSM relationship from one based on abuse and exploitation. To do that, an agreement was reached back in the 80s based on the three criteria of “safe, sane and consensual” (SSC). This means that there should be no serious physical injuries (safe), there should be no emotional manipulation (sane), and that everything that happens should have the consent of the participants (consensual). Later come other formulations, like “risk-aware consensual kink” (RACK), but in my opinion they lack the simplicity and directness of SSC.

There are also techniques that ensure that a BDSM scene is SSC. Negotiation consists of a discussion of the things that will happen in a BDSM scene, done as equals and with a spirit of honesty, respect and open communication. During the negotiation some limits are established: things that the bottom partner does not want to do or to endure. Often, limits are divided between hard limits, which are never to be crossed, and soft limits, things the bottom may accept in some circumstances or in future play. For example, sexual intercourse can be a hard or a soft limit. Importantly, SSC means that consent can be withdrawn at any time during a BDSM scene. The bottom may simply say “no” or “stop” but, since these may be uttered in the screams in a scene, a safeword is used instead. This is a word agreed during negotiation which is used by the bottom to stop the kinky play in an unambiguous way. A lot of people and BDSM organizations use “red”  as a safeword, sometimes using “yellow” to ask for the intensity of the scene to be decreased without stopping the action altogether, like in a traffic light. The safeword complements the limits by providing a way to stop something unexpected or that causes unbearable feelings. Some BDSMers do not like to use a safeword because they have other ways of communicating when there is a problem. Other objections to the use of a safeword are that the bottom may be in a state of mind in which it is impossible to say it, or that it can be an excuse for the Top not to check on the bottom. Evidently, a safeword is meant to be used as a safety device in addition to all other precautions that can be taken to ensure that the play is SSC.

BDSM can be practiced in some extreme forms and still be SSC. In full-time or 24/7 BDSM there are no scenes, the Dominant and the submissive are in-role all the time in their relationship. This means that there are rules that the submissive has to follow all the time or else be punished, and that the Dominant can always demand obedience and servitude. For some people in this type of relationship, Dominant and submissive are not roles that they play but it is who they are. Another extreme form of BDSM is “consensual non-consent”, which varies from pretending that the Top is doing something that the bottom does not accept, to accepting being ordered, hit or used sexually by the Top at his or her whim. I mention these extreme forms of BDSM to point out that they are not abusive, as long as they have been previously negotiated and mutually accepted without any form of coercion. In particular, everybody should be able to leave the relationship or to re-negotiate its terms.

Despite all this, it is unfortunately true that BDSM lends itself to facilitate and hide abuse. First, there are some myths in BDSM culture that undermine SSC and promote exploitation. Here are a few examples of these myths: that dominance and submission are valuable by themselves; that a “true submissive” must obey the Dominant unquestionably; that limits are meant to be overcome, or that a BDSM relationship must progress to 24/7 or consensual non-consent. Second, the lack of acceptance of BDSM makes it difficult for victims to denounce abuse, because that would entail to come out as practicing BDSM and therefore risking being victimized again by society. Conversely, some people are intent to label healthy BDSM relationships as abusive for ideological reasons, ranging from social conservatism to some puritanical forms of feminism. Because of this, I think it is crucial to discuss the different ways in which BDSM can be used as a pretext for abuse, emotional control and exploitation. I am not going to talk about rape or physical sexual abuse, which are hideous but easily identifiable, but about more devious forms of abuse based on psychological manipulation and the subversion of common BDSM practices. Of course, emotional abuse can happen in both BDSM and vanilla relationships, and it is not more common in kink.

I have tried to use gender-neutral language as much as possible; otherwise, I alternate between genders. Although is statistically more frequent that the abuser is male and the victim is female, abuse can occur in all kinds of gender combinations. Also, I alternate between referring to Dominant and submissives (which implies a Dominance/submission or DS relationship) and Tops and bottom (implying a sadomasochist or SM relationship). There are peculiarities to different gender combinations (for example, femdom, gay BDSM, lesbian BDSM, etc.), and to DS and SM relationships, but it would be too complicated to discuss them here.

Here is a list of ways in which abuse may occur in BDSM relationships.

1.      Jealousy and possessiveness are often at the core of abuse. A lot of violence in couples, even murder, is motivated by jealousy. Dominance-submission forms a perfect cover for possessive relationships because it normalizes control by one partner and surrender by the other. Hence, the difference between a healthy and an abusive relationship can be hard to tell for people outside of it. One clue could be found in how the dominant reacts to the social environment of the submissive. Continuous suspicion and using dominance as an excuse for exaggerated control over most aspects of life should be other warning signs. For example, demanding access to your cell phone is a sign of unwarranted control and intrusion in your privacy. In the specific context of BDSM, an abuser will seek to bypass SSC and subvert BDSM practices to achieve emotional control. This is the common characteristic of the next points.  

2.      Not respecting limits. An abusive Top may consider limits as a personal challenge and set to work to undermine them. This is often rationalized as the need for the submissive to “grow” in order to experience BDSM more deeply. In reality, the abuser sees your limits as an impediment to the absolute control he wants to exercise over you. He will consider overcoming your limits as a personal success.

3.      Objecting to a safeword. Abusers often take advantage of the controversy around safewords (mentioned above) to discourage the bottom from using them. Another common strategy is to agree to use a safeword but making it clear that the submissive will be punished for using it. The punishment may consist in stopping the scene and refusing to go back to it, a measure that is unnecessary unless the bottom asks for it. The Top may also become unkind, passive-aggressive or outright angry. In extreme cases, she may berate or reject the submissive. 

4.      Adopting extreme forms of BDSM. To maximize their control, abusers may try to quickly escalate relationships to 24/7 or consensual non-consent. This is rationalized as the myth that these type of relationships are the truest form of BDSM, or that they are somehow more desirable because they would make the submissive happier or more prestigious in the BDSM community. The reality is quite different: 24/7 and consensual non-consent are relatively uncommon and are reached after a couple has gone through a long evolution in their practice. They are never assumed casually. Another difference is that 24/7 is most often practiced by monogamous couples that are deeply committed to each other, whereas an abuser may try to impose 24/7 on multiple partners simultaneously, creating what is called a “stable” of submissives. Of course, polyamory is very common in BDSM, what is uncommon is 24/7 relationships with multiple partners. An honest 24/7 relationship is very demanding for the Dominant, who has to continuously interact with the submissive so that she gets something in exchange for her surrender. An abuser, however, will neglect the submissive once he has obtained the control and exclusivity that he desires.

5.      Secrets. An abuser may demand that you keep complete secrecy of what happens between you and him, perhaps with the excuse of protecting your privacy or under the fear that your BDSM relationship would not be understood by your family and friends. That deprives you of seeking advice and contrasting what he does with what other people do. Of course, it is reasonable to ask that some intimate things remain private, but excessive secrecy should be a warning sign.

6.      Exaggerations and lies. Abusers are not usually honest people, they surround themselves by a thick net of exaggerations, half-truths and outright lies. That serves to hide who they really are and to inflate their ego. He will make you believe that he is an attractive man, that many women are after him, that you are very lucky in that he has chosen you, and that you will lose big time if he leaves you. Narcissism and low self-esteem are often at the root of the need for control that drives manipulative behavior.

7.      Encouraging lying and other bad behavior. Eventually, the abuser will try to make you an accomplice of his lies. It is very easy to progress from asking you to keep a secret to making you lie to protect that secret. The abuser may also enlist your cooperation in abusing other people. This would make you feel special, that you have progressed to his inner circle, unlike all those submissive losers that crave his attention. If this creates feelings of guilt and shame in you, they will only serve to encourage you to accept the abuser’s rationalizations. This way, your own bad behavior will cause you to become more entrapped in the abuser’s web of lies and self-aggrandizement.

8.      Blaming and shaming. The worst abuser is the one who most adeptly uses psychological manipulation methods to control you. Guilt and shame are very powerful emotions that can be used for emotional control. A common tactic is for the abuser to cast himself as the victim, especially if you are trying to leave him. She may tell you how much you have hurt her feelings and how cruel you are for doing so. If you apologize, as most people would do, this would only serve to start a dynamic in which you continually have to atone for your fault. You find yourself constantly on the defensive. Your behavior is always questioned, but never his. Of course, all of this may happen in vanilla relationships, but in BDSM there is the added element that you are supposed to be submissive, to give yourself completely to the Dom. Submission becomes an obligation, something that defines your value as a person, instead of being a choice that you make for your own reasons.

9.      Drug abuse. It is a widely held belief in the BDSM community that drug use should be avoided in a BDSM scene. Personally, I make an exception for the use of cannabis by my bottom when I have been playing with her for many years, because this enhances her experience. Still, I believe that the Top should refrain from consuming drugs and alcohol before or during a scene, because he needs a clear mind to ensure safety and consent. A submissive that is inebriated or high on drugs may be unable to give consent and process pain sensations and strong emotions. This is particularly true for opioids and stimulant drugs like cocaine and amphetamines. Needless to say, inducing a submissive to take drugs would be an easy way for an abuser to gain complete control over her by decreasing her critical ability and weakening her will.

10.  Attacks to other people. "If you want to know how your boyfriend will treat you, see how he treats his mother," says popular wisdom. You may find that your new Dom is prone to road rage, starting flame wars on the internet and other violent behavior. That should be a clue of how he is going to behave with you once the relationship settles down. The infliction of pain and the giving of orders in BDSM should be done without anger. The Dom should be in a state of self-control all the time. Otherwise, a scene can slip into a physical abuse before you realize what is happening.

11.  Social isolation is a technique widely used by religious sects. They convince you that your family and friends are bad for you, that they are to blame for all the problems you had before. A jealous dominant may use the same method by ordering you to break up with your friends and then surround you with his own friends, people who are loyal enough to him to support his lies and gaslighting. Integrating into the social environment of the abuser deprives you of the referent of people who can advise you, putting you in a situation of psychological vulnerability. Sophisticated abusers interact with people who think and act like them, cultivating collective beliefs that justify the abuse.

12.  Taking control of your life: money, work, housing, etc. It could be a great temptation to go live with your Dom, let him support you financially or use his connections to get you a nice job. Especially if the Dom is wealthy your financial situation is not so great. You may have fantasized about finding your own Christian Grey, a powerful alpha male who will completely envelop you with his amazing power, providing safety and security forever. After all, isn’t this the common theme of countless romantic novels? However, this can be the biggest mistake of all. Not only this would increase your social isolation, but once your Dom is in control of your finances and living arrangements it may become practically impossible to break up with him. This would require a lot of external help from friends and family but, if he also has managed to destroy your relationship with them, what can you possibly do?

In this era of #MeToo, it has become fashionable to divide people between abusers and victims. Abusers are evil people who are irredeemable and should be avoided and ostracized, while victims are blameless souls who should always be believed and protected.  Unfortunately, life is much more complicated. Yes, there are predators out there who are unscrupulous, selfish and full of bad intentions. But far more common are people who are ill-informed, unconsciously possessive, jealous and mindless. And this applies to both dominants and submissives. Just like a Dom may become over-controlling and exploitative, a submissive may rush into a type of relationship that she is not prepared for, be it 24/7, consensual non-consent, a live-in situation or financial dependency. Which is to say, unhealthy BDSM relationships may happen more out of ignorance than malice. It is important to realize that extreme forms of BDSM are incredibly powerful and intoxicating, and can easily lead to psychological dependence by undermining your self-esteem.

It is hard to talk about these things without feeding into the narratives of those who want to condemn BDSM. Also, let me emphasize that 24/7 and consensual non-consent are legitimate forms of BDSM, that they can be practiced safely and enrich the lives of the people who adopt them. They are just things not to rush into, especially when you are young or inexperienced.  My advice is to practice BDSM by scenes, returning to your independent, autonomous self in between. Only after doing that for many years you should venture into extreme BDSM. Read a lot about it, integrate yourself in the BDSM community, make lots of friends, get a mentor who is not your Dom, and always stay alert for those who want to use BDSM to exploit and control you.