The orgasm gap is a terrible idea, scientifically, personally and politically

I have wanted to write about the orgasm gap for a long time. However, the subject seemed rife with political landmines. As a neuroscientist specializing in pain and sensations, I gathered many scientific papers on sexual pleasure and orgasm. Female orgasms are so complex, so controversial and so ideologically loaded that they seemed impossible to tackle in a short article. Nevertheless, I am giving it a try, leaving a lot of information for future posts.

The ‘orgasm gap’ can be understood as two interconnected ideas:

1. Women have fewer orgasms than men during sex.
2. Men are to blame for this.

You may object, saying that the orgasm gap is only the first idea and that the second is a strawman. However, since its inception, the orgasm gap always referred to men as the culprits of women not being able to reach orgasm [1].

Although the orgasm gap is presented as a call for women being more aware of the inequality they suffer during sex and as the remedy to this inequality, I think that it achieves exactly the opposite by perpetuating some wrong ideas about the female orgasm and how to achieve it. Not only that, this idea damages feminism by increasing the divide between women and men.

The ‘orgasm gap’ idea is wrong scientifically

I am not contesting the idea that women achieve orgasm less frequently than men during sexual intercourse. That is a statistical fact [2-4]. However, an idea can be wrong scientifically even when based on fact: when it provides the wrong conceptual frame to understand a problem. The ‘orgasm gap’ idea does that by looking at orgasms through only one variable, their frequency, when in fact orgasms are complex phenomena in which intensity, quality, and emotional impact are as important as frequency. When we consider these crucial properties we come to realize that there is, in fact, another orgasm gap in the opposite direction: female orgasms are often more intense, more enjoyable and have a greater emotional impact than male orgasms. Of course, this second orgasm gap is not to be blamed on women but on some basic physiological differences between the sexes. This is not a new finding, people have been aware of it since antiquity, as I humorously pointed out in my article The Orgasm Gap According to the Ancient Greek.

Of course, if you do not reach orgasm at all it does not help that it would have been better than a male orgasm. Here we are faced with a third orgasm gap, one that exists between women: some women are multiorgasmic and cum easily, others are anorgasmic, and most are between these extremes with different levels of difficulty in achieving orgasms. To complicate things even more, the ease, frequency and intensity of female orgasms change through life, notably after menopause, but also depending on factors like childbirth, motherhood, emotional health and quality of romantic relationships. Emotions like anger, indignation and shame have a great impact on the ability to orgasm and orgasm quality.

The other way the ‘orgasm gap’ is wrong scientifically is in its second part. It discusses orgasms as something that happens only during sex with another person, ignoring orgasms achieved through masturbation. However, the inability of a woman to achieve orgasm through masturbation is a different problem that her inability to get it with a sexual partner. The first could point to a serious physiological or psychological disorder, whereas the second may or may not be caused by her sexual partner. By framing female orgasms as something exclusively related to sexual interaction, the idea of the orgasm gap may direct women in the wrong direction to solve their problem.

Approaching sex with an ‘orgasm gap’ mentality is bad personally 

Many people come to sex with a lot of emotional baggage. They may have grown up in a sexuality repressive culture that has left them filled with sexual guilt and shame. They may have been abused sexually. They may come from previous relationships with people that disregarded their sexual needs or that were sexually incompatible with them. And yet, for sex to be fulfilling, healthy and fun we have to leave that baggage behind and try for a fresh start. That may not always be possible, but at least we should be aware of our problems and not blame them on our sex partner. Here, an ‘orgasm gap’ mentality is likely to increase instead of remedy our previous problems. It makes women look at men with suspicion, which is a bad place to start. Even worse, it presents sex as a transactional act: “I give you pleasure if you give me pleasure”, when sex should be an act of generosity. A fundamental thing to understand about sex is that giving pleasure IS pleasure. Pleasure is not just the sensations arising from our genitals, is the whole emotional feedback, the upward spiral of ‘I enjoy that you enjoy that I enjoy that you enjoy…’.

In my experience, the biggest obstacle to orgasm is anger. That’s why I think the revindicative approach to orgasm brought by the concept of the orgasm gap gets it completely backward. If you start having sex with the frame of mind that you are going to blame your partner if he doesn’t give you an orgasm, most likely you are not going to get one. You may add other negative emotions to anger, shame and craving, for example, but nothing drives sexual pleasure away as effectively as anger. There is no amount of sexual expertise that can overcome those walls in your head.

If you are trapped in anorgasmia, the way out is in not to find a man that can ‘give you an orgasm’. Barred a medical or psychological problem, the path to better orgasms is creative masturbation. You should be able to give yourself orgasms, and in the process map out the places in your body, the touching, the rhythms, the fantasies, the words and the sounds that get you off [3]. Only then you will be able to tell them to your partner, so you can travel together on a landscape of pleasure. And remember, orgasms are only one more feature in that landscape.

Regarding men's behavior, there is an issue regarding female orgasms that has been ignored by the orgasm gap warriors. As analyzed in the book A Billion Wicked Thoughts [5], many men do seek to give women orgasms with single-minded determination. However, they do not do it in the spirit of good, giving and game (GGG) sex, but because they consider it an act of conquest, a personal achievement demonstrating their sexual skills. Here the giving of pleasure comes from the ego, not from a place of generosity. The ‘orgasm gap’ ideology encourages this, adding to the ‘making her cum’ ego boost the additional reward of being politically correct.

Genesis did a great satire of this attitude in their song Counting Out Time:

I'm counting out time, hoping it goes like I planned it,
'cause I understand it.
Look! I've found the hotspots, Figures one and nine.
Still counting out time. Got my finger on the button.
"Don't say nuttin' just lie there still
And I'll get you turned on just fine".
Erogenous zones I love you!
Without you, what would a poor boy do?

The ‘orgasm gap’ hurts the political goals of feminism

I have always defined myself as a feminist, but I look at modern trends in feminism with increasing unease. Some feminists seem to be hell-bent in starting a gender war. This is not new, of course. There is an undercurrent of misandry (hate of men) in some forms of feminism that goes back to the 70s. In particular, anti-porn feminism tried to condemn male sexual desire as inherently violent, exploitative and objectifying of women (culminating in the “penetration is rape” nonsense). I suspect that the ‘orgasm gap’ comes from this ideological current in a last desperate attempt to fend off sex-positive feminism. After all, this idea is consistent with a view of male sexuality as being inherently selfish.

However, if feminism is to succeed, it needs to recruit men to its cause instead of alienating them. And this is what the ‘orgasm gap’ idea does when it blames men from the sexual problems of women. Of course, there are some selfish men who only seek their own sexual pleasure. More often, however, men fail at giving pleasure out of ignorance and lack of skill. As the practice of casual sex becomes more common, pleasuring women is not an easy task because their sexual responses vary enormously [2, 4, 6]. And no, it is not as easy as stimulating her clit; many women do not like their clits to be directly stimulated. And yet some others do. Others vastly prefer vaginal stimulation and do not care if this is politically incorrect. There are submissive women who fall on their knees and beg to be used for your pleasure. I’ve met sadistic women who were much more interested in my pain than in their own pleasure. Every woman is different, so go figure! As sex adviser Dan Savage once said, sex should be like a five-page dinner menu where each person gets to pick their favorite dish, and then share it.

Just like in a relationship, sex should be the glue that binds women and men together to fight for progressive political causes. Including, of course, women equality. Tossing blame and shame back and forth across an artificially-created gender gap is foolish and counterproductive. Equality is not a zero-sum game, and nowhere is this truer than when it comes to sex.

References:

[1] E.A. Armstrong, P. England, A.C.K. Fogarty, Accounting for Women’s Orgasm and Sexual Enjoyment in College Hookups and Relationships, American Sociological Review, 77 (2012) 435-462.
[2] K.L. Blair, J. Cappell, C.F. Pukall, Not All Orgasms Were Created Equal: Differences in Frequency and Satisfaction of Orgasm Experiences by Sexual Activity in Same-Sex Versus Mixed-Sex Relationships, The Journal of Sex Research, 55 (2018) 719-733.
[3] D.A. Frederick, H.K.S. John, J.R. Garcia, E.A. Lloyd, Differences in Orgasm Frequency Among Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Heterosexual Men and Women in a U.S. National Sample, Arch. Sex. Behav., 47 (2018) 273-288.
[4] J.R. Garcia, E.A. Lloyd, K. Wallen, H.E. Fisher, Variation in orgasm occurrence by sexual orientation in a sample of U.S. singles, J Sex Med, 11 (2014) 2645-2652.
[5] S.G. Ogi Ogas, A Billion Wicked Thoughts: What the Internet Tells Us About Sexual Relationships.
[6] R. King, J. Belsky, K. Mah, Y. Binik, Are there different types of female orgasm?, Arch Sex Behav, 40 (2011) 865-875.

How to recognize abuse in BDSM relationships

One of the key issues in BDSM has always been how to distinguish a healthy BDSM relationship from one based on abuse and exploitation. To do that, an agreement was reached back in the 80s based on the three criteria of “safe, sane and consensual” (SSC). This means that there should be no serious physical injuries (safe), there should be no emotional manipulation (sane), and that everything that happens should have the consent of the participants (consensual). Later come other formulations, like “risk-aware consensual kink” (RACK), but in my opinion they lack the simplicity and directness of SSC.

There are also techniques that ensure that a BDSM scene is SSC. Negotiation consists of a discussion of the things that will happen in a BDSM scene, done as equals and with a spirit of honesty, respect and open communication. During the negotiation some limits are established: things that the bottom partner does not want to do or to endure. Often, limits are divided between hard limits, which are never to be crossed, and soft limits, things the bottom may accept in some circumstances or in future play. For example, sexual intercourse can be a hard or a soft limit. Importantly, SSC means that consent can be withdrawn at any time during a BDSM scene. The bottom may simply say “no” or “stop” but, since these may be uttered in the screams in a scene, a safeword is used instead. This is a word agreed during negotiation which is used by the bottom to stop the kinky play in an unambiguous way. A lot of people and BDSM organizations use “red”  as a safeword, sometimes using “yellow” to ask for the intensity of the scene to be decreased without stopping the action altogether, like in a traffic light. The safeword complements the limits by providing a way to stop something unexpected or that causes unbearable feelings. Some BDSMers do not like to use a safeword because they have other ways of communicating when there is a problem. Other objections to the use of a safeword are that the bottom may be in a state of mind in which it is impossible to say it, or that it can be an excuse for the Top not to check on the bottom. Evidently, a safeword is meant to be used as a safety device in addition to all other precautions that can be taken to ensure that the play is SSC.

BDSM can be practiced in some extreme forms and still be SSC. In full-time or 24/7 BDSM there are no scenes, the Dominant and the submissive are in-role all the time in their relationship. This means that there are rules that the submissive has to follow all the time or else be punished, and that the Dominant can always demand obedience and servitude. For some people in this type of relationship, Dominant and submissive are not roles that they play but it is who they are. Another extreme form of BDSM is “consensual non-consent”, which varies from pretending that the Top is doing something that the bottom does not accept, to accepting being ordered, hit or used sexually by the Top at his or her whim. I mention these extreme forms of BDSM to point out that they are not abusive, as long as they have been previously negotiated and mutually accepted without any form of coercion. In particular, everybody should be able to leave the relationship or to re-negotiate its terms.

Despite all this, it is unfortunately true that BDSM lends itself to facilitate and hide abuse. First, there are some myths in BDSM culture that undermine SSC and promote exploitation. Here are a few examples of these myths: that dominance and submission are valuable by themselves; that a “true submissive” must obey the Dominant unquestionably; that limits are meant to be overcome, or that a BDSM relationship must progress to 24/7 or consensual non-consent. Second, the lack of acceptance of BDSM makes it difficult for victims to denounce abuse, because that would entail to come out as practicing BDSM and therefore risking being victimized again by society. Conversely, some people are intent to label healthy BDSM relationships as abusive for ideological reasons, ranging from social conservatism to some puritanical forms of feminism. Because of this, I think it is crucial to discuss the different ways in which BDSM can be used as a pretext for abuse, emotional control and exploitation. I am not going to talk about rape or physical sexual abuse, which are hideous but easily identifiable, but about more devious forms of abuse based on psychological manipulation and the subversion of common BDSM practices. Of course, emotional abuse can happen in both BDSM and vanilla relationships, and it is not more common in kink.

I have tried to use gender-neutral language as much as possible; otherwise, I alternate between genders. Although is statistically more frequent that the abuser is male and the victim is female, abuse can occur in all kinds of gender combinations. Also, I alternate between referring to Dominant and submissives (which implies a Dominance/submission or DS relationship) and Tops and bottom (implying a sadomasochist or SM relationship). There are peculiarities to different gender combinations (for example, femdom, gay BDSM, lesbian BDSM, etc.), and to DS and SM relationships, but it would be too complicated to discuss them here.

Here is a list of ways in which abuse may occur in BDSM relationships.

1.      Jealousy and possessiveness are often at the core of abuse. A lot of violence in couples, even murder, is motivated by jealousy. Dominance-submission forms a perfect cover for possessive relationships because it normalizes control by one partner and surrender by the other. Hence, the difference between a healthy and an abusive relationship can be hard to tell for people outside of it. One clue could be found in how the dominant reacts to the social environment of the submissive. Continuous suspicion and using dominance as an excuse for exaggerated control over most aspects of life should be other warning signs. For example, demanding access to your cell phone is a sign of unwarranted control and intrusion in your privacy. In the specific context of BDSM, an abuser will seek to bypass SSC and subvert BDSM practices to achieve emotional control. This is the common characteristic of the next points.  

2.      Not respecting limits. An abusive Top may consider limits as a personal challenge and set to work to undermine them. This is often rationalized as the need for the submissive to “grow” in order to experience BDSM more deeply. In reality, the abuser sees your limits as an impediment to the absolute control he wants to exercise over you. He will consider overcoming your limits as a personal success.

3.      Objecting to a safeword. Abusers often take advantage of the controversy around safewords (mentioned above) to discourage the bottom from using them. Another common strategy is to agree to use a safeword but making it clear that the submissive will be punished for using it. The punishment may consist in stopping the scene and refusing to go back to it, a measure that is unnecessary unless the bottom asks for it. The Top may also become unkind, passive-aggressive or outright angry. In extreme cases, she may berate or reject the submissive. 

4.      Adopting extreme forms of BDSM. To maximize their control, abusers may try to quickly escalate relationships to 24/7 or consensual non-consent. This is rationalized as the myth that these type of relationships are the truest form of BDSM, or that they are somehow more desirable because they would make the submissive happier or more prestigious in the BDSM community. The reality is quite different: 24/7 and consensual non-consent are relatively uncommon and are reached after a couple has gone through a long evolution in their practice. They are never assumed casually. Another difference is that 24/7 is most often practiced by monogamous couples that are deeply committed to each other, whereas an abuser may try to impose 24/7 on multiple partners simultaneously, creating what is called a “stable” of submissives. Of course, polyamory is very common in BDSM, what is uncommon is 24/7 relationships with multiple partners. An honest 24/7 relationship is very demanding for the Dominant, who has to continuously interact with the submissive so that she gets something in exchange for her surrender. An abuser, however, will neglect the submissive once he has obtained the control and exclusivity that he desires.

5.      Secrets. An abuser may demand that you keep complete secrecy of what happens between you and him, perhaps with the excuse of protecting your privacy or under the fear that your BDSM relationship would not be understood by your family and friends. That deprives you of seeking advice and contrasting what he does with what other people do. Of course, it is reasonable to ask that some intimate things remain private, but excessive secrecy should be a warning sign.

6.      Exaggerations and lies. Abusers are not usually honest people, they surround themselves by a thick net of exaggerations, half-truths and outright lies. That serves to hide who they really are and to inflate their ego. He will make you believe that he is an attractive man, that many women are after him, that you are very lucky in that he has chosen you, and that you will lose big time if he leaves you. Narcissism and low self-esteem are often at the root of the need for control that drives manipulative behavior.

7.      Encouraging lying and other bad behavior. Eventually, the abuser will try to make you an accomplice of his lies. It is very easy to progress from asking you to keep a secret to making you lie to protect that secret. The abuser may also enlist your cooperation in abusing other people. This would make you feel special, that you have progressed to his inner circle, unlike all those submissive losers that crave his attention. If this creates feelings of guilt and shame in you, they will only serve to encourage you to accept the abuser’s rationalizations. This way, your own bad behavior will cause you to become more entrapped in the abuser’s web of lies and self-aggrandizement.

8.      Blaming and shaming. The worst abuser is the one who most adeptly uses psychological manipulation methods to control you. Guilt and shame are very powerful emotions that can be used for emotional control. A common tactic is for the abuser to cast himself as the victim, especially if you are trying to leave him. She may tell you how much you have hurt her feelings and how cruel you are for doing so. If you apologize, as most people would do, this would only serve to start a dynamic in which you continually have to atone for your fault. You find yourself constantly on the defensive. Your behavior is always questioned, but never his. Of course, all of this may happen in vanilla relationships, but in BDSM there is the added element that you are supposed to be submissive, to give yourself completely to the Dom. Submission becomes an obligation, something that defines your value as a person, instead of being a choice that you make for your own reasons.

9.      Drug abuse. It is a widely held belief in the BDSM community that drug use should be avoided in a BDSM scene. Personally, I make an exception for the use of cannabis by my bottom when I have been playing with her for many years, because this enhances her experience. Still, I believe that the Top should refrain from consuming drugs and alcohol before or during a scene, because he needs a clear mind to ensure safety and consent. A submissive that is inebriated or high on drugs may be unable to give consent and process pain sensations and strong emotions. This is particularly true for opioids and stimulant drugs like cocaine and amphetamines. Needless to say, inducing a submissive to take drugs would be an easy way for an abuser to gain complete control over her by decreasing her critical ability and weakening her will.

10.  Attacks to other people. "If you want to know how your boyfriend will treat you, see how he treats his mother," says popular wisdom. You may find that your new Dom is prone to road rage, starting flame wars on the internet and other violent behavior. That should be a clue of how he is going to behave with you once the relationship settles down. The infliction of pain and the giving of orders in BDSM should be done without anger. The Dom should be in a state of self-control all the time. Otherwise, a scene can slip into a physical abuse before you realize what is happening.

11.  Social isolation is a technique widely used by religious sects. They convince you that your family and friends are bad for you, that they are to blame for all the problems you had before. A jealous dominant may use the same method by ordering you to break up with your friends and then surround you with his own friends, people who are loyal enough to him to support his lies and gaslighting. Integrating into the social environment of the abuser deprives you of the referent of people who can advise you, putting you in a situation of psychological vulnerability. Sophisticated abusers interact with people who think and act like them, cultivating collective beliefs that justify the abuse.

12.  Taking control of your life: money, work, housing, etc. It could be a great temptation to go live with your Dom, let him support you financially or use his connections to get you a nice job. Especially if the Dom is wealthy your financial situation is not so great. You may have fantasized about finding your own Christian Grey, a powerful alpha male who will completely envelop you with his amazing power, providing safety and security forever. After all, isn’t this the common theme of countless romantic novels? However, this can be the biggest mistake of all. Not only this would increase your social isolation, but once your Dom is in control of your finances and living arrangements it may become practically impossible to break up with him. This would require a lot of external help from friends and family but, if he also has managed to destroy your relationship with them, what can you possibly do?

In this era of #MeToo, it has become fashionable to divide people between abusers and victims. Abusers are evil people who are irredeemable and should be avoided and ostracized, while victims are blameless souls who should always be believed and protected.  Unfortunately, life is much more complicated. Yes, there are predators out there who are unscrupulous, selfish and full of bad intentions. But far more common are people who are ill-informed, unconsciously possessive, jealous and mindless. And this applies to both dominants and submissives. Just like a Dom may become over-controlling and exploitative, a submissive may rush into a type of relationship that she is not prepared for, be it 24/7, consensual non-consent, a live-in situation or financial dependency. Which is to say, unhealthy BDSM relationships may happen more out of ignorance than malice. It is important to realize that extreme forms of BDSM are incredibly powerful and intoxicating, and can easily lead to psychological dependence by undermining your self-esteem.

It is hard to talk about these things without feeding into the narratives of those who want to condemn BDSM. Also, let me emphasize that 24/7 and consensual non-consent are legitimate forms of BDSM, that they can be practiced safely and enrich the lives of the people who adopt them. They are just things not to rush into, especially when you are young or inexperienced.  My advice is to practice BDSM by scenes, returning to your independent, autonomous self in between. Only after doing that for many years you should venture into extreme BDSM. Read a lot about it, integrate yourself in the BDSM community, make lots of friends, get a mentor who is not your Dom, and always stay alert for those who want to use BDSM to exploit and control you.

Did Sam Harris just play a hoax on the listeners of his podcast?

The interior of the church La Sagrada Familia, Barcelona, Spain

Episode 178 of the podcast of Sam Harris, “Making Sense”, is titled The Reality Illusion and is just short of 3 hours long. In it, Sam Harris and his wife Annaka interview Donald Hoffman, a professor at the University of California at Irvine. Hoffman starts by making the argument that our minds evolved to hide reality from us, so that the real nature of reality is completely different from what we experience. Depending on how far you want to take this, it is either obvious or an appeal to radical skepticism. It would be obvious because our senses clearly do not show the real world as made of atoms, photons and the like. They make a model of the world that we can use to do things in the world and to predict the outcome of those actions. In that our minds are quite successful, thank you very much! Radical skepticism is the idea that we cannot be sure about anything that we think we know. Ironically, even though skepticism is considered the enemy of religion, radical skepticism is an argument for religious belief because, since we cannot know anything, we may as well believe in religion. Clearly, the success of science is a good argument against radical skepticism.

But is in the second part of Hoffman’s argument when things get really weird. After much hand waving, he basically says that this reality that we cannot perceive (because our senses lie to us) is composed of “conscious agents” that have an effect on the world. He sustains, with Annaka enthusiastic agreement, that consciousness is the fundamental reality. Why? Well, because we don’t understand consciousness, so we may as well make it the fundament of reality. Since consciousness is already there in the world, we do not need to explain what it is. This is a classic example of the “argument from ignorance” fallacy. Too bad that all the training that Sam and Annaka have on critical thinking does not let them recognize that. The idea that consciousness, or mind, is fundamental to reality is an old one, and it is called panpsychism. It’s a weird, mystical idea that clashes against modern materialism, more correctly called physicalism (everything follows the laws of physics) or naturalism (the laws of nature are necessary and sufficient to explain reality). However, what Hoffman is saying is much crazier than panpsychism. He is saying that the world is full of “conscious agents” that we cannot perceive. To me, this sounds like saying that he believes in angels, or ghosts. Because, what is a “conscious agent”? “Conscious” means that it has a mind like our own. “Agent” means that it does stuff in the world. This contradicts the principle of causality, stating that every natural phenomenon has to have a natural cause. Which is a basic axiom of science, without which all magical beliefs are possible. But this does not bother Hoffman because… guess what? He doesn’t believe in causality! Nor does he believe in space-time. These are illusions created by our minds, which cannot perceive the real reality… With all its angels, ghosts, leprechauns, elves, “conscious agents”… whatever you want to call these spiritual, invisible, inaudible, untouchable beings.

What evidence does Professor Hoffman have for the existence of these beings? Well, he has a mathematical model. In the 3 hour-long podcast, he does not even hint of how this mathematical model is supposed to work. Because, you see, mathematics is just too hard to explain to the common person. At Annaka’s instance, he did admit that he introduces consciousness into the model at the onset. So, consciousness in, consciousness out. Garbage in, garbage out. That’s how mathematical models work. They are a great tool of science, but if they become disconnected from the actual results of experiments they can lead to all kinds of wild conclusions. Like believing in angels.

The reasoning used by Hoffman, and to a certain extent, Annaka, is too similar to the reasoning of quacks to be the product of honest, serious minds trained in critical thinking. That’s why I think this has to be a hoax. I am rushing to call it before Sam Harris tells us what fools we have been in believing it. In fact, it is quite similar to the famous Sokal hoax. Physicist Alan Sokal published an article in Social Text, a postmodernist journal, saying that physical reality is a social and linguistic construct. This is very similar to the title of this podcast episode: The Reality Illusion, isn’t it? Ever since the Sokal hoax, several copycat hoaxes have been attempted, with limited success. So perhaps Sam Harris got into his mind to do a better one.

But, wait, Donald Hoffman has written a book about all this: The Case Against Reality. The book is for sale at Amazon. Maybe the book itself is a hoax? Judging from the description of the book, it seems that is about the initial, less outrageous claims of Hoffman. So maybe only the second part of his claim, his mystical “conscious agents”, is the hoax.

The truly terrifying idea would be that this is not a hoax, that Sam and Annaka Harris swallowed this crackpot theory hook, line and sinker. That would be a real shame, because I really like Sam Harris and his podcast, even though I strongly disagree with his ideas about free will (he says it’s an illusion) and consciousness (he has a glorified view of it as the one and only uncontroversial truth). His pushback against religion (kind of forgotten now) and political correctness are much needed. As a life-long meditator, I also sympathize with his effort to popularize meditation and mindfulness. I just hope that he does not go too far into mysticism and magical thinking. That one of the Four Horsemen of Atheism would fall prey to superstition would be tremendously ironical, and a real shame.

How to avoid hurting the one we love

Obscured by clouds. La Pedriza, Madrid, Spain (2018). Photo by Hermes Solenzol. 

It is quite ironic that the person who loves you more is also the person who is able to hurt you most deeply. Romantic relationships entail a great deal of suffering. And everybody thinks that this is unavoidable, that suffering is just the price you pay for love. But I think that it doesn’t have to be this way, that if we hurt the person we love it’s because we must be doing something wrong. It seems that when we reach a certain degree of intimacy we start allowing ourselves some behaviors that bring conflict and emotional damage. Then, perhaps what we should do is to learn to recognize those behaviors and ways to avoid them. We should learn healthier ways to love.

“Abuse” is a strong word. We neatly divide the world between abusers, who deserve our scorn and even jail time; victims, who must be protected and healed, and the rest of us, nice people who are neither abusers or victims. This classification works quite well when it comes to physical abuse, because physical damage is relatively easy to identify. Unwanted sexual contact is a bit more tricky, because social norms in some borderline cases are in a state of flux, but in most cases the line between consent and non-consent is quite clear. However, when it comes to emotional abuse there are no such clear boundaries. Whether a particular act is abusive or not depends on context, intention, how often is repeated, and how resilient or vulnerable is the person that receives it. Perhaps this explains why we hurt the person we love so often, sometimes intentionally, sometimes inadvertently. When it comes to emotional damage we all can be small-scale abusers and victims. Of course, there are real psychological abusers: those who cause emotional damage in an intentional or habitual way with the objective of bringing the other person under their control. Emotional abuse could be defined as any behavior that causes psychological damage, produces dependence, and decreases the self-esteem of the target person. It is based on breaking the psychological balance of a person using three key emotions, fear, guilt and shame.

Here is a list of some behaviors involved in emotional abuse:

1. Coercion is a demand that can’t be refused without bringing about serious negative consequences. One clear example is coerced sex; imposed, for example, under the threat of a fight. But coercion can be used to obtain many other things: going to a party, socializing with some particular people, choosing a vacation spot, how to decorate the house, or when to have children.

2. Threats are one of the most direct forms of coercion. They evoke fear to get what we want. In a couple, one of the most frequent threats is breaking up. This usually happen as a result of an unbalance of power, because one person values the relationship more than the other. It could be that she is more in love or that the relationship brings on advantages that he doesn’t want to lose. Sometimes, the impending threat of the break-up becomes an unspoken but powerful coercion. Other times this threat is just a bluff.

3. Frightening. Threats are just one way of using fear to control a person. Emotional manipulation can be increased in an environment of high anxiety created by actions like screaming, throwing things, breaking things, risking safety or breaking the law. The simple presence of fear creates an environment of oppression.

4. Blackmail is a form of coercion that consist in threatening to do something that the other person doesn’t want us to do if he does not comply with our demands. One familiar form of blackmail is the threat of telling about something. One clear example is “outing”: revealing that somebody is gay, bisexual, into BDSM, polyamorous, or any other form of sexuality not approved by society.

5. Emotional blackmail consists in using fear, obligation or guilt (abbreviated by the acronym FOG) with the goal of pressuring another person to do what we want. There are four types of emotional blackmail. The first consists in the threat of punishment. A classic example in couples is the withdrawal of sex or affection. The second type is self-punishment: the threat of harming oneself. An extreme but all-too-familiar case is the threat of suicide. A milder case is that sulking attitude when we don’t get what we want. The third type of emotional blackmail consists in engaging in acts of self-sacrifice with the goal of evoking guilt. These include all those acts of service that are done not out of goodwill or love, but to get something in exchange. The fourth type is perhaps the most difficult to recognize, because it consists in offering a price in exchange for getting what we want. A classic example is offering candy to a child in exchange for a kiss. In a couple, offering sex as a price may seem like a good idea at first, but in fact this is not very different from withdrawing sex when we don’t get what we want. It leads to the creation of a manipulative environment in which we don’t know why things are done.

6. Breaking boundaries. We all have things that we don’t want to do or want done to ourselves: those are our boundaries. In a healthy relationship each person defines what his boundaries are and respects the boundaries of the other. Problems arise either when boundaries are not clearly defined or when they are known but are broken nevertheless.

7. Sabotage. This includes instances of not respecting the work, family and social obligations of our lover. The most typical case is when a couple’s brawl leaves us so upset that we cannot focus on work. In this case the sabotage is involuntary and indirect. A step up from that is when somebody has so little respect for their partner that he gives no consideration to her work schedule or the time he needs to devote to family and friends. Time and attention can be misappropriated, for example, by forcing dates or phone conversations at inopportune times. In the more extreme cases of abuse, the abuser directly interferes with the work or social environment of the victim with the clear goal of undermining them. I know a case of a husband who called her wife’s boss to tell him the she was quitting the job, which of course was not her intention.

8. Lack of communication. Good communication is vital in any healthy relationship. It is hard even in the best situations, so it becomes nearly impossible when somebody sabotages it as part of a manipulative strategy. One example of this is the “silent treatment” (refusing to talk) or its modern version: ghosting in social media. Another is doing the opposite: talking continuously to create a “wall of words” that prevents the other person from talking.

9. Lying. Of course, the worst form of lack of communication is not telling the truth. Lying could be considered as a way of taking power away from somebody, because misinformation prevents that person from making the best decisions. Lying is considered the main offense in infidelity, but any form of lying or dishonesty is harmful in a relationship because it undermines trust.

10. Gaslighting is an extreme form of psychological abuse consisting in the systematic manipulation of the information that is provided to a person. The goal is to weave of a web of lies, half-truths, secrets and deceptions that creates a distorted view of reality. This is often done with the goal of hiding a situation of generalized abuse. Gaslighting greatly harms the self-esteem and may cause the victim to question her own sanity. The name comes from the play Gas Light and its movie adaptations.

11. Keeping secrets. The question of whether is okay to keep secrets from our partner is a delicate one. On the one hand, everybody has a right to his own privacy - some things are so intimate that we want to keep them from absolutely anybody. On the other hand, hiding some things that our partner has the right to know could be considered lying by omission. The most clear examples are STIs and adultery.

12. Invading privacy is the other side of that coin. Everybody has a right to reveal things about themselves only if they want to, when they want to, and how they want to. Even when we reveal something to one person, we have the right that this is not revealed to other persons without our consent. And even if there is something that we should not keep secret, that does not make it okay to use coercion to force us to reveal it. A modern instance of violation of privacy is to search a cell phone or a computer without the permission of the owner.

13. Complaints and criticisms. Complaining is normal. If something is not going well in the relationship it is essential for good communication to talk about it. But there are many ways to say something. When complaints and criticisms are made with the intention of evoking shame and guilt we enter the territory of emotional mistreatment. Problems should be presented at the right occasion, preferably with enough time to discuss them without feeling rushed. There should be no intention of hurting and offending. Quantity matters: a long list of reproaches is overwhelming and offensive. We should also pay attention to two bad habits related to this. The first is to be easily offended, so that whoever talks to us is kept on edge, having to constantly self-censor. The other is to present oneself as the victim, a common strategy of psychological abusers.

14. Shaming. Even more than guilt, shame is the emotion that damages most the self-esteem. Consider, for example, all the cases of homosexual teenagers that are driven to suicide by shaming from their parents, their teachers, their classmates or religious authorities. One of the most common instances of emotional abuse are degrading comments and continuous criticism. A extreme case of shaming is cyber-bullying: the harassment and public shaming of individuals in social networks. Another form of shaming is to berate people not for what they do but for who they are, like their gender, ethnicity, sexual orientation or culture. Here we enter on the territory of bigotry and intolerance.

15. Not apologizing. We all make mistakes, so we all should be ready to apologize when we hurt another person. A timely apology could mean the difference between a fight that is satisfactorily resolved and another that leaves scars for a lifetime. It could also mean the difference between a mistake done without malice or an act of deliberate abuse. When a person in a couple apologizes all the time and the other never does it, that is a sign that something is gone really wrong.

16. Not forgiving. Not accepting an apology can undermine the dignity of the person offering it and thus can be hurtful and aggressive. Of course, not everything could or should be forgiven. In fact, in many instances of abuse there is a pathological form or forgiveness based on co-dependency: the victim constantly forgives the abuser, even making far-fetched excuses for the abuse. A necessary condition for forgiveness should be that the deed to be forgiven has ended. We can’t forgive somebody who persists in the misbehavior. On the other hand, not granting forgiveness that has been earned can become emotional abuse when this is used to perpetuates guilt as a form of control. Maybe the right thing to do when something cannot be forgiven is to terminate the relationship, rather than to continue it in the climate of power unbalance brought by the feeling of guilt. A variant of this problem is when an apology is accepted but used later on, over and over, to remind the person of his past guilt. This is not true forgiveness, which means that the issue is closed and we have moved on.

17. Passive-aggressive behavior is an expression of hostility based on not doing things that we are supposed to do. It includes some of the problems that I mention above, like lack of communication, withdrawing affection, not apologizing, and not forgiving. But there are many other ways of being passive aggressive, sometimes hard to identify. Even over-politeness or extreme compliance can be forms of passive-aggression. By the same token, it is easy to accuse a well-meaning person of being passive-aggressive and it is very difficult to defend ourselves against such an accusation.

18. Social isolation. A common technique to create emotional dependence in religious cults is to separate a new follower from his family and friends. This way the victim loses the frame of reference that would allow her to escape indoctrination. A similar situation can take place in a couple when a person is separated from her friends and social environment, usually because of jealousy.

19. Social pressure. I may also happen that one of the individuals in a couple becomes completely surrounded by the friends and family of the other. Then, when problems arise in the couple, these people will have a biased attitude about them. Social pressure can also come from cultural norms that favor a type of person or a form of relationship. One clear example is sexism when society condones a man’s control over a woman’s behavior. Another case is when one person wants some kind of sexual freedom, like being kinky or polyamorous, and another person prevents it with the help of cultural norms and societal repression. We call this slut-shaming: harassing people because their sexual behavior infringes cultural norms.

I must confess that I have done some of the things in this list, but I also I had some of them done to me. Perhaps you think that you don’t do them just because you are a woman, or a feminist, or gay. Well, think again, you may be in denial. After all, even hard-core psychological abusers don’t see themselves as such. Is all too easy to rationalize emotional abuse as self-defense, standing up for ourselves, or even being funny. Most of us have been in a couple’s quarrel in which we have tried to scare or hurt the person that we love. If we need to fight, at least fight fairly, without being manipulative or cruel. We should raise our ethical standards and educate ourselves in all these different forms of emotional abuse. It should not be considered normal, even in its mildest forms. It leaves scars that undermine the relationship, setting the foundation for future fights, and even turning the relationship into something toxic. Moreover, when we engage in these behaviors we contribute to normalize them, making them harder to identify in cases of serious psychological abuse.

One of the worse things about psychological abuse is that it’s so hard to identify. There is a gradation between what is socially accepted behavior in a couple (but still wrong) and psychological abuse. Where our own behavior falls in that gradient depends not only on what our intentions are but on how vulnerable is the other person. It is easy to hurt somebody by mistake. Emotional mistreatment often becomes mutual in a couple. This may lead to a toxic relationship where victim and abuser are not always easy to identify. So we should be mindful that, even if we are being mistreated, this does not justify retaliating with emotional abuse of our own.

We all should examine carefully our behavior towards our loved one and carefully expunge any element of emotional abuse. When somebody opens their heart to us, this makes them extremely vulnerable. We should not betray their trust by using this vulnerability to hurt them or to exploit them. Even if we do it unconsciously, there is no excuse. If we want to be loved, we have to learn to love. And this consists in making the other person happy. Love should not hurt.

Spicing up your scene with hot peppers

One of the nicest things about a spanking is the afterglow: the warm feeling in your buns after the job is done; the way they become exquisitely sensitive to the touch of the hand or the rub of the underwear; how it reminds you of your punishment when you are fucked doggie-style and his belly bangs against your bottom as his cock dives deep inside you. Surely, many spankees long for a way to make the afterglow last longer or even to make it more intense.

Well, such a method exist. It is based on the creative use of hot peppers or their active ingredient, a chemical called capsaicin. In this article I am going to tell you more than you ever wanted to know about the science behind the wonderful effects of capsaicin. Then I am going to explain how to use hot peppers to enhance that afterglow feeling to such a level that it may make your spankee regret that you ever read this article.

The science of hot peppers and capsaicin

capsaicin molecule

Ever wondered why hot peppers are hot? Not all spicy food produces this burning sensation: garlic, onions, horseradish and wasabi also elicit a strong, sometimes unpleasant “spicy” sensation, but not of the burning kind. The burning sensation of hot peppers is caused by a single chemical, a molecule called capsaicin. Research started in the 90s unraveled why capsaicin makes you feel like you are burning without being actually burnt. Capsaicin, it turns out, binds to a protein called TRPV1 (transient receptor potential vanilloid 1, if you want to know) that is also activated by high temperatures. TRPV1 is present in a population of C-fibers, the nerves that transmit pain from the skin and other organs to the spinal cord. C-fibers with TRPV1 transmit burning pain, so when capsaicin activates TRPV1 it also feels like burning. Garlic, horseradish and wasabi activates a similar protein called TRPA1, which when activated also elicits pain but not a burning sensation. Yet another protein of the same family, TRPM8, is the receptor for menthol and produces the sensation of cold. That’s why menthol feels cool. Fascinating, isn’t it?

Now let’s go back to BDSM. You are being spanked and every slaps that lands on your bottom feels hot. After the spanking is over your buns stay warm for a while. Why? Does this has anything to do with TRPV1? Yes, it does. The impacts of the spanking cause a bit of damage in the dermis, the bottom layer of the skin, causing its cells to release some of the metabolites stored inside them, like ATP and glutamate. These activate receptors in the C-fibers (the pain nerves) which in turn release two neuropeptides, substance P and CGRP (calcitonin gene-related peptide, if you need to know), which make the capillaries swell with blood. This is why your bottom turns that nice red. It’s a process called inflammation, characterized by three things: pain, swelling and heat. Some of the released chemicals cause a bit of activation TRPV1, which is responsible for the heat component of the inflammation.

Hot peppers burn in your mouth, because mucosa skin is rich in TRPV1, but do not produce much burning in regular skin. However, if the skin is inflamed that’s a different story: the TRPV1 receptors are already primed by the inflammatory soup of chemicals released from the damaged cells, and capsaicin drives them through the roof. So, if you apply capsaicin to a well-spanked bottom, instead of a nice warm afterglow it will start feeling burning hot. Not only that, the skin will become very sensitive to touch, so a simple caress or the rub of underwear will now feel painfully hot. This is something similar to what happens with sunburn, another form of inflammation. The technical term for when the sensation of touch turns to pain is allodynia.

Is capsaicin dangerous?

By now, you are probably thinking: “do I really want to do this to my bottom?” Well, we do regularly eat capsaicin in the form of hot peppers, some people even in fairly large amounts, so if we are not concerned with putting it inside our bodies why should we be concerned with putting it on our skin? Needless to say, capsaicin makes your skin feels as it is burning, but it does not actually burn you. That is, it produces no tissue damage. Capsaicin is also sold over-the-counter as pain medication to treat arthritis, tendinitis and muscle pain. In comes in touch applicators containing a solution of up to 0.15% capsaicin.

The Scoville Scale of spiciness of chili peppers

However, capsaicin has also been weaponized in the form of pepper sprays like Mace, which contain from 0.18% to 3% capsaicin. It acts by producing a blinding inflammation of the eyes, burning in the skin, and coughing and difficulty breathing. In people with asthma, this can be deadly. Therefore, just handling capsaicin in a scene can pose a risk for both the top and the bottom. One thing to keep in mind is that capsaicin is not soluble in water and is very soluble in the fats of the skin, so it is almost impossible to wash away. Soap will not do the trick. It is soluble in alcohol, but you cannot apply alcohol to your eyes and I would not recommend putting it in your genitals. You could use a lotion rich in fat, but do not expect a complete wash-off.

What concerns me more about using capsaicin in the scene is that over time it can actually kill or blunt those C-fibers that contain TRPV1. This may be why capsaicin is used as a pain-killer. The end result could be that you develop an iron-butt: buttocks that can endure a good amount of abuse without much pain. You need to decide if this is something you want.

How to use capsaicin in the scene

You have a choice between using hot peppers or a capsaicin solution that you buy at the pharmacy (0.025% is a good dose if you want to start easy). Capsaicin solutions are easier to handle. Peppers are more natural, sexier and artsy. Personally, I prefer the peppers, so I will give instructions for their use, which can be easily adapted for capsaicin solutions.

What you need: a knife, a cutting board, disposable plastic gloves, cleaning wipes and paper towels. And, of course, chili peppers. I recommend green jalapeños, chile de árbol, or similar. Watch out for Thai peppers or habaneros, they are too hot!

Give the bottom a nice spanking on the bare buttocks. Keep in mind that the intensity of the burning sensation will depend as much on the strength of the spanking as the amount of capsaicin. Since the dose of capsaicin is difficult to adjust, especially if you use hot peppers, it is better to pay attention to the spanking. Which means, keep it light. In your first try don’t go beyond a nice uniform pink color on the butt. A five to ten minute spanking with medium intensity should be enough.

Put on the gloves. Using the knife and the cutting board, cut the peppers lengthwise. Get rid of the seeds, which have the larger amount of capsaicin and tend to get everywhere. Then, using your gloved hands, gently rub the peppers over the pink part of the skin. If you want to do this scientifically, you could use one buttock as the test (it gets the peppers) and the other as the control (no pepper). Be careful not to come close to the anus or the genitals (although the effect of capsaicin there is not as bad as you may expect, in my experience). Wait a couple of minutes, then use the cleaning wipes and paper towels to eliminate the remaining of the pepper juice from the skin. Leave your bottom to roast while you put away everything. Wear gloves throughout the process and wash your hands afterward, for good measure. But remember: anything that touches those buttocks may get capsaicin on it. Capsaicin has a nasty tendency to travel from the butt to your hands, and from there to your eyes.

The results

The bottom will become increasingly hot after five minutes or so. If the treatment is mild (light spanking, low dose of capsaicin), it will feel like an enhanced afterglow. With a strong treatment (hard spanking, lots of capsaicin), it will be definitely painful. The effects can last as long as 24 hours, peaking around 1-2 hours and then gradually decreasing. The worst (or best) part is the sensitivity to touch (allodynia), with some delightfully humiliating consequences. You can make the bottom feels being spanked just by putting a hand on the buns. Sitting may be extremely uncomfortable or impossible. So it will be wearing pants or underwear, a loosely-fitting skirt is advisable. All of this will probably turn-on your subject, making her excited and horny. You should plan for a sub-space lasting many hours and take advantage of all the wonderful side effects. For example, fucking her doggy-style will add a jolt of searing pain at the end of every thrust. (I have tried to keep all this gender-neutral; of course, a man can also be fucked doggie-style).

Let me emphasize that this is a one-way journey. Once the capsaicin has been applied, it is futile to try to wash it off. If the effects are too strong to endure, have her lay on her stomach and cool her bottom with a bag of ice. Aloe or other soothing lotion may help, but keep in mind that every time you touch those burning buns to apply it, it is going to hurt. Better to stay with her in the scene and enjoy the ride.

Why choking is not safe

If you are into choking, the bad news is that this is the least safe BDSM activity, it is responsible for the most numbers of death. The good news is that most of those deaths occur when people do it alone. Still, even if you do it as a couple, I strongly advise against it.

Choking, breath play or, more technically, erotic asphyxiation or asphyxiophilia, is used to refer to two very different types of actions. The first involves cutting the air supply to the lungs by choking or blocking the nose and the mouth. The second involves cutting blow flow to the brain, which is usually done by pressing on the carotid arteries. Spoiler alert: the second is much more dangerous than the first.

Choking

Straightforward choking, what we see in movies and TV, consists in pressing the neck to constrict the windpipe (trachea) to keep air from reaching the lungs. The trachea is a very delicate structure made of cartilage, a tissue similar to bone that also makes our joints. This makes the trachea semi-rigid, so applying pressure on it can deform it permanently. Around the trachea are also the vocal cords and the esophagus. Therefore, this form of choking can produce long-term damage affecting breathing, talking and swallowing. It should never be done, unless it is just fake choking not involving any real pressure on the neck and that does not block breathing.

Of course, it is possible to interrupt the breathing of a bottom partner by other means. One popular one consists of sticking a cock deep into her mouth and then pinching the nose. This has the additional advantage of giving pleasure to the cock-owner and eliciting some interesting gagging reactions in the bottom. However, one thing I don’t understand is why in this type of situation the top is not concerned about having his cock bitten. Sure, any well-behaved submissive will never bite the cock that feeds her, but the body will do all kinds of weird stuff in a life-or-death situation. And breathing is our most basic drive. 

OK, so we rule the cock as an instrument of asphyxiation, but there are still many other ways to stop a person from breathing, like putting a pillow or a bag over his nose and mouth. And, yes, this is safer than any of the other possibilities that I am examining. The body as a whole can store a good amount of oxygen. There are three main reservoirs: the air still present in your lungs, the hemoglobin  in red blood cells and myoglobin in the muscles. Myoglobin is a protein similar to hemoglobin that is also able to bind oxygen. Cetaceans (whales and dolphins) have large amounts of myoglobin in their muscles that help them hold their breath for long periods of time. Free-divers learn to take advantage of these three reservoirs by different techniques to hold their breath underwater. I can comfortably free-dive for close to one minute, even while moving a lot. I once held my breath for 4 minutes, out of the water and relaxing. The world record in breath-holding is 22 minutes and 22 seconds, after hyperventilating in pure oxygen. But don’t get any ideas. As I said, this is done by trained people able to slow down their heartbeat and using sophisticated techniques to store as much oxygen in their bodies as possible. Importantly, the “air starving” drive that makes you want to breathe is not triggered by the lack of oxygen in your blood but by an excess of CO2. This can lead to dangerous situations (common in free-diving) in which you don’t feel like you need to breathe but are actually about to lose consciousness because there is not enough oxygen reaching your brain. So, if you want to engage in other types of breath play involving hyperventilating and then holding your breath (as I did as a teenager), you may want to learn a thing or two about the physiology involved.

Because of all this, even if asphyxiated to the point of loss of consciousness, most people will resume breathing and regain consciousness without any major consequences. However, this is only when said loss of consciousness doesn’t last more than a few seconds. Any longer than that and you risk having to perform CPR on a person who is unconscious and does not breathe on his own, as it happens with most drowning victims. After all, the centers that control breathing are themselves in the brain, so if the brain is not working they may stop functioning as well. And if the breath is stopped for several minutes there is a real possibility of brain damage.

Carotid occlusion

The carotid arteries form the main supply of blood to the brain. They run quite superficially on both sides of the neck. Cutting them, as we see in Games of Thrones and other gory TV series, will irreversibly lead to death in a matter of seconds. To stay conscious and alive the brain needs a continuous supply of oxygen and glucose from the blood. Neurons are the most finicky cells of the body: if they don’t get their oxygen they immediately throw a temper tantrum and die. Temper tantrum is quite an appropriate figure of speech because a neuron that is starving for oxygen will begin firing a lot of action potentials and releasing its neurotransmitters. The main excitatory neurotransmitter in the brain is the amino acid glutamate, which is also an abundant metabolite. When a neuron dies all of its glutamate is released into its surrounding medium, activating glutamate receptors in its nearby neurons. Too much activation of these glutamate receptors can kill those neurons, too, setting off a chain reaction that produces a wave of cell death spreading through the brain. This is what produces most of the brain damage during a stroke, which happens when a capillary inside the brain is blocked by a blood clot. So, why doesn’t this “wave of death” eventually kill the whole brain? Because there are cells in the brain (astrocytes, microglia and epithelial cells in the capillaries) that are in charge of preventing damage by absorbing glutamate and other neurotoxic substances. Still, considerable harm can be done before these cells manage to bring the situation under control. And, once neurons die, it is almost impossible to replace them.

What does all this have to do with choking? When you block the carotids to induce loss of consciousness and increase pleasure, you are starving neurons of oxygen and may be killing some of them. Keep in mind that you could have a substantial loss of neurons in your brain and not notice anything, because we are not conscious of most of what goes on in our brain. This happens to victims of concussion, who may suffer considerable brain damage without knowing it. The point is: you don’t know what is actually going on in your brain when you drive it close to unconsciousness, just because it is so much fun! Neurons could be dying while you party.

Let me explain why carotid occlusion is much more dangerous than other forms of asphyxiation. The key fact is that when you hold your breath, or when somebody blocks your breathing, there is a big reservoir of oxygen your body can use to stay alive. However, your brain does not have a similar store of oxygen. When you block the carotids, that’s it, your brain starts to run out of oxygen right away. That’s why people die much faster when their necks are cut than when they are strangled. There may be other complications of carotid occlusion, like cholesterol plaques being released from inside the carotids to cause strokes in the brain. But, even if you think you had a safe experience, there may be brain damage that you did not notice. As it happens with concussions (traumatic brain injury), injuries accumulate over time until all of a sudden the symptoms manifest themselves. And then is too damn late to do anything about it.